To not enjoy meeting my NCT group

[Londonmummy123]

It's not that they are nasty people or anything, in fact most of them are very nice, even though you do get the odd competitive talk. They are extremely chatty and outgoing (I'm a bit more introvert) and there are constant meet ups/chat etc, a group holiday already planned for the summer, which I know sounds great. But sometimes it's a bit 'full on' if you know what I mean? I do quite enjoy attending the odd thing, but ordinarily I don't think they would be my friends if it weren't for our babies. Also, they seem to have much nicer houses(unbelievably immaculate- I can't ever seem to get mine tidy!) cars/lifestyles/time management etc and I can't help but feel a bit inadequate. I am on medication for pnd and right from the beginning I thought that there must be something wrong with me as they took the whole baby thing in their stride right from the start whereas my baby boy (now 6 months) cried the entire time and I really struggled. I kept hearing "my baby never cries he/she is so happy" etc etc. A lot of the time I find it hard to leave the house on time/ or am too flipping exhausted to do anything apart from looking after my LO. Am I just being a grumpy guts?! I get the feeling they are already starting to be cool with me for not being as commited as everyone else, which is really getting me down. Along with the fact that they are extremely chummy with each other. I know it's really important to have mum friends but I seem to spend much of the time feeling bad that I am not joining in enough X

a group holiday already planned for the summer, which I know sounds great.

It wouldn't surprise me if the group dynamic changes somewhat, post-holiday!

think of them as work colleagues, they are who you spend your day with and help you find out new classes, cafes, have babies to play with yours

like work you don´t have to love them, just get on with them and maybe one or two will end up crossing the line to be real friends later

and yes, when you feel shit everyone else looks good but I am sure on a different day one of them could have been posting the same. . . .

Absolutely no need to have friends with babies the same age as yours, unless you want to. I don't have any, my friends are all either people I met before having dd, or randomly met afterwards but not through having kids. I did little in the way of baby groups to be honest, after the first couple of months. Maybe you would be happier seeing people without kids, or with older kids, so you wouldn't feel the comparison so keenly (and it is nice, sometimes, to talk about things other than babies!)

Wow, booking a group holiday with people they have only known for a few months seems ultra keen.

I remember those early days - we had an NCT group but sadly most of the folk lived on the other side of town, we met up and got on well, but I wouldn't be rushing to go on holiday with them.

I also met some nice people through our doctors surgery ante-natal classes. We met at least weekly in the early days, but then when I went back to work I realised that most of the friendships were just based on the fact that we had babies at the same time, rather than actually having much in common.

You could try something else like a toddlers group if you want to meet new people. Or, the other option is, don't worry about it, if it's not important to you. So if you feel that you should be doing it rather than you want to, then stop and fill your days with something that gives you and your DS joy.

The holiday will show whose been fibbing

I could have written your post OP, my experiences of early motherhood & nct groups totally chime with yours! They were a cliquey bunch and i never felt that I fitted in. They had much nicer bigger houses and cars (Ihad no car so relied on someone for lifts to get to the meetups because they were always held in large houses in the country.
Like you I also had PND and that didn't help with the social aspects. With hindsight i wonder how many of them also had PND but were better at hiding it?
In the end I made better friends through the local health visitor clinic's mum& baby group. My DD is now 10 and I am still friends with 2 of the mums. Maybe try some mum & baby/toddler groups and see how you get on?
I had high hopes from the NCT, but it was disappointing - not the NCT's fault, of course, more the sort of people thst join them.
The good thing about LOCAL groups is that you will see those mums on the school run in 5 Years' time - at worst it makes the school run less daunting!

Ours always met up in these enormous houses. It was quite intimidating. I didn't really get on with them.

A bit off topic, but indicative of how carried away you can get, moving in NCT circles!

Years ago and new to area, went to NCT coffee morning with ds1 - 3yrs and ds2 - 6 months. Lots of lovely mums discussing schools. Me completely clueless, but nevertheless v. interested, decided that exclusive private school, spoken of in glowing terms by several mums, just the ticket for ds1, when the time came (despite no visible means of sending him there).

Next day looked up school in Thompson and rang for prospectus. School sec. was taking address, then suddenly asked ".....and how old is your daughter?" Brain underwent quick gear change as it dawned that this must be a GIRLS' school..... "Three." I stuttered. ".....and her name?" Always feel proud of my quick thinking as I seamlessly converted ds1's name to the feminine version.

Luckily there was no follow-up call after receipt of the prospectus! (And all dc eventually went to lovely local state primary).

(I have a very low threshold!)

Lol! that's so funny MrsRuffdiamond, v impressed with the quick thinking re the girls name!

My NCT group were a lifeline in the early months but I soon discovered they weren't tolerant of my honest absolutely exhausted and fucked off attitude towards the lack of support I received from my STBXH.
I dumped them after the second year of feeling crap every time I met up with them, realising they were actually meeting up a lot more but only certain members of the group were included.
Some of their kids could have a full blown conversation about Shakespeare at 18 months don't you know??!

Mine are 26 and 24. I felt exactly the same as you, OP. The perfect babies belonging to my NCT buddies turned into nightmare teenagers, every one of them. Mine just got nicer (I much prefer teenagers to babies). They stayed nicer, too - I have a much closer relationship with my grown up kids than my NCT buddies who seemed to be glued to their perfect babies.

I clicked straight away with mine, there were 8 of us initially. However it was a bit intense and I often secretly had the same feelings as you. They were genuinely nice people and I stuck with them, as well as meeting other mums and I'm so glad I did. We're 10 years on now and 5 of us still meet for coffee every week, every single one has had some personal problems (child with SNs, unemployment, bereavement etc) and we've all helped each other through. They all had bigger houses than me to dtart with and they have all moved to even bigger ones which are all immaculate compared to mine, but none of that matters now the hormones have died down. I still wouldn't want to go on holiday with them though.

I stopped seeing mine. I went with my second child as hasn't done antenatal classes with my first and it was that classic not liking older children thing. I felt like I couldn't go if I had (18 months older) DD with me. I haven't seem them for over a year and I like it that way. I am moderately consoled that last time I went, both of mine were delightful and someone else's child vomited everywhere. And now they've all had second children they're massively stressed and their houses are a mess :)

They made me feel like crap, which almost nobody can do. I guess judging DD is an easy way to make me defensive and upset.

I could have written your post 11 years ago. I was the only single parent in my group, the only one going back to work, the only one who didn't have an immaculate house with spotless cream carpets throughout. I also had pnd. I distanced myself after a while, not sure why I didn't do so sooner. I made lots of other great friends and if I bump into the old NCT group now I still feel the same! Nice enough people but not for me!

A friend of mine found out that her group had been meeting up without her. She ditched them ASAP and has found some lovely lovely new groups and is miles happier. Her DS was 6mo when it all happened as well.

I never went to NCT classes and now with a seven month old I don't regret it. I have made friends slowly through baby groups and random meetings, holding on and keeping contact with the mums I click with. It took me some time but I prefer it this way.

I didn't do NCT. Dd and I have managed fine, without any groups. I have lots of local family support, though and dd goes to nursery 1 and a half days a week. She started when she was 10mo.

Also, I have a friend who I have known for 15 years, who had a baby 6 weeks before me.

She couldn't stand being in the house, as her ds cried a lot, so she went to every baby group and NCT meet up she could. I found it very telling when she came round to see me, when my dd was 2 weeks old. She said, "look ds, this is cwtches' dd. A real friend rather than all these fake friends we've met at so and so groups".

We meet up regularly and have always been honest with eachother about the hard times. You can do that with friends once you're comfortable.

My friend toned down the number of groups/meet ups she went to and seems to have found a few people to stay in touch with. It just showed me that more isn't necessarily more, iyswim.

I hope you can find some nice people to spend time with. FWIW, my dd is 13mo, now and my flat is always teetering on the edge of chaos!

I never clicked with my NCT group. 2 of them straight away made it clear they thought I was too fat and too poor to be their friend. They did it in such a bitchy teenage way I convinced myself I was hallucinating with sleep deprivation at first.

Eventually a splinter group formed with two of the more down to earth ones but we lost touch after the first year and I never confided how shit the others had made me feel.

I met better people at the local groups. Still good friends with a couple 7 years on.

I'm pg at the moment and not bothering with NCT. There's a practical reason (we are hoping to move just after the birth so the social side of it would be pointless) but it's mainly because I like my own company and see no need for "friends" who have just happened to give birth around the same time as me. Also, a close friend did NCT and has stayed friends with her group and I think they are pretty awful - so competitive. It has definitely put me off.

You don't have to stay in touch with these people if you don't want to, certainly not to the extent of going on holiday with them.

Feeling so much better thanks all.. it's a relief to know some of you have felt the same. Maternity leave is too short for devoting time to things which don't really make us happy! x

Euro don't close yourself off whether you meet people through NCT or otherwise. I couldn't have coped without a peer group going through the same things that I was as a first time parent. And no one without a new born will want to talk/obsess about the things you will want to talk about believe me...

I have plenty of friends. It's not about closing myself off. I'll be going back to work quite soon and handing my unused leave to my husband anyway. I'm perfectly happy with my choice not to do nct.

They are probably stretching tge truth or exaggerating. I would withdraw from this group if it's making you unhappy, and find a Surestart centre near you or a local toddler group, we have one and it's very relaxed. Actually we all moan about his hard our dcs are and moaning of tge lack of sleep.

I'm sure you have plenty of friends. Just saying that whether through NCT or not for most people it's helpful to have people to go through stuff with. It's very isolating being at home with a tiny new born and scary. Your friends are at work or occupied with older kids that's a long old day especially if you have a screamer like my PFb was. My NCT group saved my sanity even if some of them weren't people I would normally have gravitated towards. That said my real lifesaver friend I met in a clinic.