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AIBU?

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Original poster

Personal comments about your appearance... What is a reasonable response?

78 replies

ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:12

In the past two weeks I have had twice had my appearance commented on by strangers in public. I can't decide how I feel about it. Both comments were positive, both were made by men. One comment left me giggling like a teenager, the other left me feeling quite uncomfortable. I am now very confused.

When is it ok to pass comment on someone else's appearance? AIBU to say actually, it's never?

OP posts:
shellistar · 16/05/2014 20:14

I often get "fat bitch" or similar.

My response is usually "fuck off"

shellistar · 16/05/2014 20:15

Pressed send too soon! Yes, it is never acceptable!

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:15

There isn't anything wrong with the one that made you giggle, but the one that left you feeling uncomfortable doesn't sound too good.

You're going to have to say what they are, you must have known that? Grin

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:16

Wow, you just leave it at 'fuck off' shelli?

You've got better control than me!

What wankers say that to you?

SuperSophie · 16/05/2014 20:18

It depends on a lot of things, notably who says it, what they say and how and why they say it.

If it's a genuine expression of admiration untainted by any thought of getting into your knicks, that's okay.

Regardless of genuineness, if it's motivated entirely by a desire to get into your knicks and it's said by someone you wouldn't mind having in your knicks, that's okay too.

In all other circumstances, it's dodgy.

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:18

I'm holding off saying what was said for a moment because I'm interested in general responses.... Both were "flattering"; it could be argued that they were both said in a generous spirited way, trying to spread a little happiness into someone else's day. Does this make it ok?

OP posts:
Bodicea · 16/05/2014 20:20

If it a nice comment I think the best thing is to be gracious and say thank you, not be all embarrassingly English and start saying oh no you are mistaken etc etc I am really quite fat or something or other, like so many of us do.

If it is just a fella being a perve then no comment is best. Just a hard look will do.

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:20

Yes SuperS, 'Your hair looks fantastic today!' is very different to 'Great tits, let's have a go on them'.

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:21

Shellistar I consider you very restrained.

OP posts:
gamescompendium · 16/05/2014 20:21

It's never OK to pass comment on a stranger's physical appearance. It's Ok to make a positive comment on someone's appearance if you know them. It's only OK to make a negative comment on someone's physical appearance if you are in a very close relationship with them and it's phrased like this 'I much prefer this because it show off feature X so well'. No-one appreciates negativity about their appearance, what are they suppose to do about it? Take their body to a swap shop?

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:22

But from a complete stranger - is that still ok? For context, one comment was on the street, the other in an aisle in Sainsburys.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 16/05/2014 20:23

if it is a nice remark that makes you feel better,smile and say 'thank you' - to do otherwise is to kick them in the teeth.

if it is a rude remark, kick them in the teeth!!

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:23

Gamescompendium - what would you say to someone who said that they passed comment because they just wanted to spread a little happiness?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:23

Is there anything distinctive about how you look Champagne? Like a goth or something? Tattoos/piercings?

They seem to make people feel as though they have the right to comment sometimes.

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:25

'if it is a rude remark, kick them in the teeth!!'

You must be young and supple Grin

I can't do that any more

MrsWinnibago · 16/05/2014 20:26

I once told someone they'd lost weight and they looked offended. I thought I knew her well enough to say that....but obviously not! She was a bit plump and then suddenly looked slim so it was very noticeable and I thought it rude NOT to mention it.

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:27

I'm a friendly person. I often chat about the weather with people on the train, smile and nod at people I see often, etc.

But I don't acknowledge any commentary on my appearance by strangers. Really, I've lived in enough cities that even the most gallant comments along the lines of, "Don't you lovely today?", if you respond nicely, can easily be followed up with "Can I sit on your face?" (True story!)

I don't care if some dude has his feelings hurt. He should know better. We're commuting together. It's not a date.

MarshaBrady · 16/05/2014 20:27

I think if it's nice and positive from man or woman and not leering (from a guy) then it's nice isn't it? Depends, it has to not interrupt me too much. ie calling over when I'm fine in my own zen mind.

Montegomongoose · 16/05/2014 20:28

Personal remarks, my DGM used to say, are odious.

MarshaBrady · 16/05/2014 20:29

I think it depends on situation and wording. Can you repeat?

MrsAtticus · 16/05/2014 20:30

I think it can be fine when genuine and spontaneous, and positive of course, but I would feel uncomfortable if it was from a man. A teenage girl once peered into my face and said 'ooh you're really pretty', it made my day and I still remember it now! (don't get that many compliments so tend to hang on to them Blush
Can't think there is any good reason to comment negatively on someones appearance, that's just cruel.

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:30

First comment: I was walking down a narrow street that is only occasionally used by cars so pedestrians walk down the centre. I was pushing my son in his buggy when I realised that there was a car behind me waiting patiently for me to get out of the way. I moved over and the man in the car wound down his window and said "thank you", brief pause: "I was rather enjoying the view though".

Second comment: pushing a trolley around in Sainsburys. A man approaches me and says "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it's so nice to see a woman dressing nicely. So many women . I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. Sorry."

Agent Zigzag I'm overweight but otherwise nothing distinguishing about me. On the first occasion I was wearing jeans and a jacket. On the second I was wearing a dress and jacket.

OP posts:
KittyandTeal · 16/05/2014 20:31

I've had a 'I love your tattoo, it's so pretty' comment from strangers before. I think that's ok because I see it as a comment similar to 'I like your dress'.

A comment about a pretty face etc from a stranger is a bit odd though

evelynj · 16/05/2014 20:31

The only thing I'd be tempted to say to a stranger would be 'I love your jumper-do you mind me asking where you got it?' Or the like & Im not even sure if that's appropriate so I usually don't bother

C'mon, do tell......

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:35

No, I disagree Marsha. Really, if I'm out in public and some strange guy says, "Wow, you're beautiful" (just thinking of something apparantly innocuous) it's weird. Even if it turned into a conversation/relationship, it would have started with this premise of, "I'm the dude I get to pass judgement on you."

Dude, if you want to talk to me, smile and say hello, ask me about the book I'm reading, compliment my umbrella.

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