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AIBU?

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Original poster

Personal comments about your appearance... What is a reasonable response?

78 replies

ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:12

In the past two weeks I have had twice had my appearance commented on by strangers in public. I can't decide how I feel about it. Both comments were positive, both were made by men. One comment left me giggling like a teenager, the other left me feeling quite uncomfortable. I am now very confused.

When is it ok to pass comment on someone else's appearance? AIBU to say actually, it's never?

OP posts:
xalyssx · 16/05/2014 20:38

I often say "hey, nice shoes!" or something else like clothes. I rarely comment on anything else as I get uncomfortable myself when people comment on my body or hair etc.

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:38

Champagne:

  1. Dude comments on your ass while you're out with your kid? Fucking creep.
  1. Dude approaches you to give some random fucking commentary on how he thinks women ought to dress?

I'm sorry you had both of these things happen.

Misogyny never sleeps.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 16/05/2014 20:41

Hmmm... I would smile and move on.

MarshaBrady · 16/05/2014 20:41

I'm trying to remember when it was ok with a guy. Women usually compliment by handbag (it's bright) or something else that I wear.. that is usually bright.

Once someone said hello with a big smile, I was feeling particularly ok with being interrupted that day and it was fine. But yeh it's easy to cross the line.

MarshaBrady · 16/05/2014 20:42

By someone I mean guy

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:44

Matilda - this is the conclusion that I have come to. To my shame, my response to the first was to giggle (I'm not particularly pleased with my appearance currently) and my response to the second was to say "thank you" and run away. What would have been a more appropriate response?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 16/05/2014 20:45

Ok that's not appearance. Will try and think of another occasion.

Champagne your first one sounds a bit pervy, the second sounds a bit odd.

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:45

I'm afraid I usually go around with a pleasant look on my face, if not a full smile. So I get a fair amount of people saying hello to me or just chit-chatting. I am really fine with that. Men, women, whatever.

But if the male-gaze editorial starts up, I stop talking and move seats.

Dontlaugh · 16/05/2014 20:45

Can anyone please enlighten me as to why it acceptable (seemingly) to say to someone (me) "You have gotten very thin" but yet I am agog as to how it not acceptable to say to someone "you have gotten very fat".
Neither is acceptable, imo, but I am still amazed as to how it's ok at one end of the spectrum (thin) but not ok at the other (fat).

Aspiringhuman · 16/05/2014 20:46

I would say it's only acceptable if the person has asked how they look. People commenting on my appearance has led me to a lot of tears even though they were truthful.

Dontlaugh · 16/05/2014 20:47

i should add, I often comment on other womens' clothing, if I want to know where they got it or think they look gorgeous.
I'm afraid I am one of those who comment in changing rooms, but only say good things!

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:47

Champagne, don't worry about your response. You didn't do anything wrong!

I mean, you get people saying, "I would have done a Bruce-Lee flying leap and kicked him unconscious while everyone around applauded," but yeah no. Most of us just do something vague and get out of the situation.

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 20:49

I can't see the issue. Strangers sometimes make small talk, sometimes that includes a compliment of some kind. It's a complete non event.

CraicWhore · 16/05/2014 20:49

Talk about over thinking things!

I love compliments, however they are given, whoever they are given by.

Take the positive, smile, say thank you and move on!

Do you lot not have jobs and children and housework etc?

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 16/05/2014 20:49

I have to admit when I was pregnant I enjoyed the liberation of knowing I could walk by a group of builders and I wouldn't be ogled - builders ogle everyone, I am nt sayin I am insanely beautiful.

It was liberating.

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:51

And here we go with the "It's a compliment, lighten up" stuff!

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 20:52

Hey Craic, I had a 15-year-old boy "compliment" my tits whilst I was out running the other day! Thanks for telling me to smile and thank him!

Amethyst24 · 16/05/2014 20:56

I think both those comments were slightly pervy.

In contrast, I can remember a couple of lovely ones quite recently. One was when I was out with friends, and an old dear (she must have been in her 70s), said: "You have beautiful legs." I was thrilled.

Another was when I was on the bus with DP, and as we were getting off, a man said something like, "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look marvellous." Also really nice and non-pervy.

Oh, and another time (I really don't get compliments that often, and I'm 40, so I remember them when I get them!) I was walking home and a passing yoof, probs young enough to be my grandson if I'd bred early, said, "Those are some legs you got there, girl." That just made me laugh.

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2014 20:57

'Do you lot not have jobs and children and housework etc?'

Huh? Confused

What an odd thing to say.

Is that all you do all day? Can't you think of shit at the same time as looking after your DC/at work/doing the housework? bloke for sure

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 21:00

Another was when I was on the bus with DP, and as we were getting off, a man said something like, "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look marvellous." Also really nice and non-pervy.

Okay, that's camp enough that I probably wouldn't mind so much. Who says marvellous? lol

I also don't mind if older ladies want to tell me I look good.

The kid though? Shudder.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/05/2014 21:02

I don't care whether the comments made to the OP were pervy. They would have had me glowing for a week. I is old and ugly now so I'm grateful for crumbs

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 21:04

I'm sorry, but I don't get that. I'm 43 and longing for this nonsense to stop.

I think the idea of being 65 and out on a power-walk and having someone comment on my ass makes me want to just kill myself now.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/05/2014 21:05

A man once complimented me on how well dressed I was and how he would be pleased to have a lady such as myself on his arm.
He was however about 90. And it was dark. And at a bingo hall.

Shockers · 16/05/2014 21:07

I was once stopped by an elderly lady in the street who said something along the lines of, Oh my, you look so pretty, it's cheered me up just looking at you!
It still cheers me up every time I remember especially as it's years since I was referred to as pretty

I'm really not comfortable with men commenting though and I can't articulate why.

matildasquared · 16/05/2014 21:09

Because it's the gender/patriarchy thing!