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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personal comments about your appearance... What is a reasonable response?

78 replies

ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 20:12

In the past two weeks I have had twice had my appearance commented on by strangers in public. I can't decide how I feel about it. Both comments were positive, both were made by men. One comment left me giggling like a teenager, the other left me feeling quite uncomfortable. I am now very confused.

When is it ok to pass comment on someone else's appearance? AIBU to say actually, it's never?

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 16/05/2014 21:13

Neither of those would bother me tbh but that's me, not you.

As a woman I would only comment on things such as clothing or hair on a female randomer. I have been known on the odd drunken occasion to comment on the male form however Blush

pianodoodle · 16/05/2014 21:26

*I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it's so nice to see a woman dressing nicely. So many women

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 16/05/2014 21:36

Ha! Like your thinking pianodoodle.
Craicwhore - the thing about compliments from a random stranger is they are imposed upon you. If they happen to get you at the right moment and the tone is entirely "this is something nice about you, I'm telling you to make you happy" then maybe it's not so bad. The "you look marvellous" comment is charming rather than creepy as it's completely non-sexual and has nothing but a kindly under-tone. I think both of my comments had an uncomfortable note to them that were (a) sexual and (b) judgy.

OP posts:
Shockers · 16/05/2014 22:05

I have felt uncomfortable when elderly men have made comments, however complimentary.

fridgepants · 16/05/2014 22:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/05/2014 22:39

I think the only opinion that matters, OP, is yours. How these comments made you feel. If they made you feel good then great. If they didn't then decide your response to them in advance of the next ones.

I must admit, I was flummoxed in Sainsbury's today... I always pop coins in collecting boxes and there was one today, I can't remember who it was. Anyway, bag-laded, I manage to manoeuvre them to one hand to put the coins in. Man holding container offers to put the sticker on my chest for me... then looks at my chest (v.large) and offers two stickers. He had a female 'colleague' with him who just gasped. I just said, "Oh no, that's fine" and walked off. BlushShock

I don't think he meant anything by it, he went red and stuttered. I think some people just blurt things out without thinking. I was really embarrassed though.

shellistar · 17/05/2014 09:27

My response is usually "Fuck off" because I'm always too upset, refuse to stoop to their level and insult them and it usually happens too quickly for me to do anything about it

Yeah it's horrible and it makes me feel like shit. Doesn't make me feel like breaking out the salad and losing some weight.

If it was a genuinely positive comment "you look lovely"/"I love your hair" then I think that's a good thing.

When it's a back handed compliment then people should keep their mouths shut "wow, you don't normally look so great"/"wow have you washed your hair?"

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/05/2014 09:30

Not strangers but I've had"fat cow" from kids at school. Response;That's Mrs Fat Cow, who will be giving you detention.

HappyAgainOneDay · 17/05/2014 09:51

I was at Waterperry Park last year and saw a woman with a lovely hairstyle for her masses of hair perhaps in her fifties. I couldn't resist telling her how lovely I thought it was. She seemed pleased ....

EvaBeaversProtege · 17/05/2014 10:02

I have never had a compliment from a stranger in my life.

Mind you, good job I met & married dh when I did as I've had no interest shown in me by a man since! Grin

KissesBreakingWave · 17/05/2014 10:19

Reasonable response? Practise your serial-killer smile until you can get it realllly spine-chilling. Then, when made to feel uncomfortable by comments on your appearance, deliver said smile and say "It's amazing what you can get away with when you get people to focus on your appearance. Say, how long would it be before you were missed? Quite a while, I bet. You look like you live alone..."

whynowblowwind · 17/05/2014 10:35

I was on a bus once and an elderly lady got on and said loudly to her friend 'ooh, isn't she (me) pretty?!' I was THRILLED at the spontaneity and sincerity of it - I wouldn't have liked your comments though OP!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/05/2014 10:37

This week I had "nice thruppenny bits" from a bloke cycling past. I wasn't upset by it but thought it was rude. Then yesterday had the builders next door shouting hello at me repeatedly. They were all about 4 floors up on scaffolding, maybe they couldn't see I was pregnant or the theory doesn't hold.

I think it's probably ok to compliment things people control, like shoes/clothes, but less appropriate to comment on body/face. Hair is a bit if a grey area.

You can feel how you like about these things. I'm generally bemused by any attention or creeped out.

Joysmum · 17/05/2014 10:46

I'm an evil bitch then because I too like to compliment people.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/05/2014 12:21

Brilliant response Ohwhatfuckery... I suppose it helps that you are a teacher? I bet the detention did the trick! Grin

I8toys · 17/05/2014 15:08

I would prefer a nice comment/compliment to the usual whistle and hey darling sort of thing - which I hate.

Camping last year there was pissed couple in the bar area and the woman said to her partner loudly - she's got a fucking nice arse and legs - we were the only ones near them - WTF - I was with my husband and kids!!!!!!

LizLimone · 17/05/2014 15:23

First one is creepy and rude, especially considering you had your baby in tow. The second one : it depends on the tone really. The comment on how other women dress is weird.

In general I think it's bad manners to comment on the appearance of others, male or female. I would never comment on a stranger's appearance in a positive or negative way so find it odd when people comment on mine. If I see a stranger dressed nicely it wouldn't occur to me to say anything to them. Obviously I take it with a pinch of salt when it happens but sometimes it can be very unsettling. That first remark you got, OP, would have really unsettled me and grossed me out.

sashh · 17/05/2014 15:37

Both were "flattering"; it could be argued that they were both said in a generous spirited way, trying to spread a little happiness into someone else's day. Does this make it ok?

Wow I love our dress - OK

Do you mind me saying your dress looks great? OK

Big tits - not OK

Thisvehicleisreversing · 17/05/2014 15:40

I had a wolf whistle and a "nice tits" when pregnant so I don't think that stops them.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/05/2014 15:48

I've had a man (stranger) when I was about 16 or so comment on my pale-ness in a street near my then home.

I often think how sad his life must be to want to comment on a teenager's lack of colour!

Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 16:35

I think it depends on the remark. "I like your dress" would have been nice, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it's so nice to see a woman dressing nicely. So many women . I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. Sorry." Was not. What the hell does he even mean by that?! There are some men who dress nicely and some who don't bother and go around with beer guts and builders bums hanging out of jeans. Why does he generalise and judge women? Why should women dress to impress him? Ugh.

LividofLondon · 17/05/2014 16:46

"I was rather enjoying the view though"
In other words "nice arse". So judging you on how sexy you are then.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it's so nice to see a woman dressing nicely. So many women . I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. Sorry."
In other words "too many women don't bother looking nice and decorative (for us men folk)". Hmm.

I think I would initially be flattered by the compliments, but thinking about it further I'm far more Hmm about it. I'm fine with being approached by women, with comments such as "I'm trying to find a new hairdresser and I love your hair. Where do you get it done?" or "I love your dress, where did you get it?", but strange men commenting on my looks I'm not keen on any more.

HeyBungalowBill · 17/05/2014 17:14

When out running yesterday I got a wolf whistle which was fine and made me smile, but the time before that a group of men that were building stopped to watch me Shock

I think age comes into it quite a bit as they were my dads age which made it creepy. If they were my age I'd probably have been flattered!

I wonder how they'd have reacted if someone toned and sexy went past Grin I'm neither of those things!

ChelsyHandy · 17/05/2014 17:59

I hate this too. Or comments on your (perfectly uninteresting choice of clothing).

I tend to say "Please don't comment on my appearance" and stride on.

The oddest comment I ever had (except from SwimmingPool man - see other thread) was from a man who said "Get a hair cut" - again, I have rather uncontroversial but long hair, I think it was meant to be an insult.

Comments from women I will sometimes tolerate.

BumpNGrind · 17/05/2014 19:28

I don't think it's wrong to make a comment on someone's appearance as long as it isn't derogatory or said in a way that could make someone feel uncomfortable. I've had comments about how I look or dress and they've really boosted my self esteem for the day.

I was walking down the street and saw the most beautifully dressed man, it was a couple of months ago and his suit looked immaculate, he was wearing a hat and his boots shone, he looked so smart and well put together that I couldn't help but stop him to tell him. He smiled, thanked me and we walked on. I don't see anything wrong with that.

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