Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at friend'd dc behaviour?

63 replies

Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:00

Been friends for a few years-we all have dcs of varying ages. My friend-lets call her A has a child who is a wee bit challenging at times. Nothing too bad but sometimes will lash out,scream,tantrum etc-age 3.

Friend has a tendency to imo pander too dc far too much. For example if we meet for coffee will let her dc run around the shop,play with the very expensive coffee machines on display,play around with fire extinguisher etc. I don't feel comfortable with this behaviour but let it go as not my place to say anything.

The other day we met for coffee and I brought another friend too-friend B. Friend B had literally just sat down when friend A's dc hit her-delibarately not an accident. Friend B asked friend A's dc not to do that but friend A did'nt really do much-just kind of said oh well sorry and carried on chatting.

A few minutes later he did it again. Friend A then decided to leave but still did'nt really apologise to friend B. Today I messaged friend A about something and just mentioned in passing that it was a good thing that friend B was'nt too hurt-totally light hearted of course.

She has now taken the huff with me and told me I have no right to judge or tell her off!! Sorry its so long but am I bu to be pissed off that she let's her dc behave like this?

OP posts:
Tryharder · 16/05/2014 17:05

She probably feels embarrassed enough already without you commenting hence her leaving early.

When you are struggling with a challenging child, the last thing you want to hear are comments from judgemental 'friends' about your perceived lack of parenting skills or your DC's poor behaviour.

Your friend will already be aware that her DS is a nightmare and she is not coping so well with him and your comments are the last thing she needs.

Hence YABU

whiteblossom · 16/05/2014 17:07

She knows she has no control and has no idea how to get it either. If I was friend B I'd have said something at the time. Hitting is totally out of order and should be punished. She left because she didn't know what else to do and she knew he would do it again and again.

Let her take the huff, she needs to think about how to control her kid. I'd be mortified if I were her but then some people just don't care!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/05/2014 17:07

Why would you be annoyed at a three year old child? Any disapproval, no matter how gently couched, is nearly always going to be received as a personal criticism, which it was, so you deserved her being pissed off with you,I reckon. Friend B can challenge Friend A's parenting if she chooses but I daresay she doesn't need you to do it for her after the fact.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 16/05/2014 17:11

3 year olds can be annoying. They're not all special little angels.

whiteblossom · 16/05/2014 17:13

"challenging child" !?! the mother didn't even tell the child not to hit- ever. She just shrugged it off- that's more about the parenting than the kid. She didn't even apologise to the friend or explain if there was an issue that might have led to hitting.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:20

I at not annoyed at the child-sorry that was worded wrongly but neither do I think they be allowed to run riot,do as they please and hit random people!

This is not an isolated incident-he behaves like this a lot and lots of people not just myself have commented on it. Tbh yes it is embaressing for her but it is also embaressing for us when he behaves like that and she does nothing to stop him.

Yes I think she did leave because she was upset by her behaviour but not before he had lashed out again. No sen btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:21

Oh and to the poster who says she knows her dc is a nightmare-no actually she believes that her dc is just "excitable" Hmm and any suggestion other wise then she takes umbrage.

OP posts:
SarcyMare · 16/05/2014 17:26

why do you keep going to places that you know will be a problem in your eyes? go somewhere that doesn't have expensive coffee machines and stuff to play with.

icanneverremember · 16/05/2014 17:28

YABU. What was the point of your "light hearted" comment?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 16/05/2014 17:29

YABU

3 year olds are challenging and irritating not least in public. It happens, and while most people I imagine would pull the child up on hitting someone else, some parents wouldn't.

Rather than sending her a passive aggressive judgey message with a thinly veiled dig at her parenting how about you actually talk to her and support her? My SIL is very much like this with her 3 year old and she told me she really struggles with being a mum, disciplining and feels very out of her depth this is down to BIL being a total shit and ruining every ounce of self confidence she ever had . She's trying hard to take baby steps to work it out but says she just doesn't really know what she is doing. Your friend may be the same, hence the defensive huffiness.

Apologise and be a friend.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:33

It is friend A that wants to meet up for coffee but tbh her dc behaves like this where ever we go. My dcs like all other can be naughty,cheeky etc but no way would I let them away with behaving like that.

Well I asuppose the light hearted comment was because I was a bit annoyed that she made no real effort to stop him doing it again or to really apologise. Another example of this was only a few weeks ago when he was misbehaving or being "excitable"Hmm and was repeatedly asked not too as they were hot drinks near by. Of course hot drink went every where including all over myself and another friend-but friend A barely said a word and did'nt even offer to buy us fresh coffees.

I am sorry but I don't care how "challenging" your dc is-that is just rude.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/05/2014 17:34

Today I messaged friend A about something and just mentioned in passing that it was a good thing that friend B was'nt too hurt-totally light hearted of course.

You judge her parenting and no doubt she knows this

Therefore the snidey light hearted comment was bound to give her the hump.

She should have done more about her child's behaviour but you were wrong to have a 'light hearted' dig about it.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:36

chippy-I already did apologise and said I did'nt mean to upset her or question her parenting skills but then got another huffy message back about he was only over excited and a load of other excuses/baloney.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:40

Clearly everyone on mnets lets there kids run riot and do as they pleaseGrin

Believe me when I say I would not be pissed off if one of my friends told me my kid was being really badly behaved-I would only be pissed off at myself that I had'nt nipped it in the bud.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 16/05/2014 17:45

Op, I think you are quite right to judge her parenting. Her child should not be running around in coffee shops and should be told off when hitting people.

CoffeeTea103 · 16/05/2014 17:49

Her child sounds like a brat. I have no problem in telling someone else's child off if the parent sits by excusing the bad behaviour. Yanbu.

usuallysuspect · 16/05/2014 17:51

Your snidey lighthearted dig wasn't necessary.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:52

Again it is not the dcs behaviour that I am so much annoyed at-3 is a bloody tough age!-but my friend constantly makes excuses/minimises it in a very indulgent manner that yes I will be honest,really does grate on me but perhaps that it's just because it is so different to how I parent.

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 16/05/2014 17:53

Another example of this was only a few weeks ago when he was misbehaving or being "excitable" and was repeatedly asked not too as they were hot drinks near by

Hmm maybe it was the responsibility of the adults to keep hot drinks out of harms way? Sometimes you just can't reason with a 3 year old and when they want to play with scalding hot water taking the hot water away is probably the best thing to do.

usuallysuspect · 16/05/2014 17:54

Then maybe stop meeting her.

Slagging her parenting off is not going to resolve anything.

usuallysuspect · 16/05/2014 17:58

And if she left after the second hitting incident then she did deal with it.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 18:01

According to her there was no 2nd hitting incident usualHmm Again I have already apologised to her about the comment and said it was not meant to upset her. But its not my dc and I don't see why I have to tip toe round the fact that he is very badly behaved?

I was sure that letting your dcs run riot was considered "entitled" on mn and therefore really not the done thing?Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 18:02

Aahh sorry forgot for a moment that this was aibu and some posters will argue that black is white just for the sake of it.

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 16/05/2014 18:02

Does anyone else cringe at a 3 year old being called a brat? Pretty sure they're quite blameless at age

naty1 · 16/05/2014 18:05

Well i really wouldnt be meeting for coffee. As its not much fun for kids. Meet at the park or soft play as should be less dangerous and if something happens there there is no excuse for her to not use it as a learning opportunity for him.
Maybe she gets embarrassed and flustered so forgetting to apologise.
I certainly do.
Some kids are just more challenging.
Does she settle him in a high chair/pushchair with a biscuit and drink?

Swipe left for the next trending thread