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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at friend'd dc behaviour?

63 replies

Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 17:00

Been friends for a few years-we all have dcs of varying ages. My friend-lets call her A has a child who is a wee bit challenging at times. Nothing too bad but sometimes will lash out,scream,tantrum etc-age 3.

Friend has a tendency to imo pander too dc far too much. For example if we meet for coffee will let her dc run around the shop,play with the very expensive coffee machines on display,play around with fire extinguisher etc. I don't feel comfortable with this behaviour but let it go as not my place to say anything.

The other day we met for coffee and I brought another friend too-friend B. Friend B had literally just sat down when friend A's dc hit her-delibarately not an accident. Friend B asked friend A's dc not to do that but friend A did'nt really do much-just kind of said oh well sorry and carried on chatting.

A few minutes later he did it again. Friend A then decided to leave but still did'nt really apologise to friend B. Today I messaged friend A about something and just mentioned in passing that it was a good thing that friend B was'nt too hurt-totally light hearted of course.

She has now taken the huff with me and told me I have no right to judge or tell her off!! Sorry its so long but am I bu to be pissed off that she let's her dc behave like this?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 08:04

He probably hit for attention and if he had got it then behaviour would have escalated. Sometimes not making a big deal of stuff is helpful.

Sorry, you do sound smug and sneery

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2014 08:06

And she left so she did deal with it.

I'd never pass judgement on my friends parenting like this. No wonder she is annoyed

thamrin · 17/05/2014 08:35

i don't even have kids yet but have to add my thoughts. your feelings irritations are your feelings, i cringe around my friends kids running riot in restaurants (3 and 4 and left to wander around, fetch cutlery, go to the loo alone yelling 'I've finished pooing').... anyway.
if your idea of parenting is different to your friends of course you can get irritated/frustrated/annoyed but its not your place to say anything.

my advice would be to steer clear of those situations, wait for the naughty phase to pass or learn to bite your tongue.

Friend A has a different way of doing things and maybe if you can't bear to be around it then you shouldn't be friends but you can't say she is 'wrong'. perhaps she's lacking confidence to control her kid in the way you would or perhaps she just doesn't agree with that method of parenting. each to their own.

YANBU for feeling how you feel (frustrated/irritated?)
but YABU if you expect your friend to alter her parenting techniques.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 17/05/2014 09:10

Ffs take the poor thing to a soft play, why would any of you expert him to sit there and do/say nothing while you all chat.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 17/05/2014 10:00

YAsoooooNBU

DogCalledRudis · 17/05/2014 11:53

I think when you are FRIENDS with ADULTS, you can talk about things. Like whats safe or unacceptable.

Original poster
Thepaintedveil · 17/05/2014 12:03

Are posters not reading the thread?Hmm I have said repeatedly it is my friend who wants to meet for coffee-she goes for coffee with her dc at least threee times a week.

Yes the child was bored but he still should not be allowed to behave as he pleases and I don't for one minute think the posters on here saying it's fine would say that if he was running around spilling their drinks or hitting them.

I have bitten my tongue for a long time over this but I will not be apologising to her any further-she went on the defensive because she know his behaviour is not on. Not my problem.

OP posts:
naty1 · 17/05/2014 13:08

I think most understand that. But if you are not happy with his behaviour then you can suggest a different meeting place (this would also highlight you dont think its ideal)
The fact she takes him lots may go to back you up that she is not the most sensible parent.
Yes he needs to learn to behave but if she is unable to control him she shouldnt be taking him there as you said potentially dangerous.
Also if a child did that to me i would say something at the time, maybe you need to calm down, be careful its hot that could have burnt me.even if the child was not mine. In a conversational way. If they are interacting with you by hitting etc you have the right to talk back to the child directly. Imagine im sure a teacher wouldnt ignore it.

Pimpf · 17/05/2014 13:49

Maybe if us so called smug parents actually saw some kind parenting going on, or were given an apology for unacceptable behaviour we wouln't be so judgey.

But from the original post, this child has been allowed "run around the shop,play with the very expensive coffee machines on display,play around with fire extinguisher etc." "hit her-delibarately not an accident" this resulted in a mumbled apology.

I know there are many challengin children out there, DD2 was far more difficult than DD1, however, I simply wouldn't go to places where I felt she would be a danger to herself or others - that is also known as parenting. Yes you might miss out on stuff, I'm afraid if its a choice between you missing out or your child is badly behaved for whatever reason, you miss out.

And its not each to their own, its not down to differnet parenting styles, when due the lack of action of a parent, a child regulalry causes problems.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2014 14:27

mummytime is also right. 3 is when a lot of parents are just starting to be referred, have concerns raised. You don't know if this little child has SEN.

And, BTW I have found that if you have a challenging child who pushes boundaries all the time, there are about an equal amount of judgmental people who sneer and judge if you helicopter and manage them firmly. Which makes every outing a delight. Will I be judged today as a soft parent or a mean one? Joy of joys.

MyBaby1day · 18/05/2014 04:30

Friend A should control her spoilt brat of a kid. I'de NEVER allow my DS to behave in that way. He wouldn't do it anyway wouldn't dare but if he did I would make him apologise to this lady and take him back home.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 18/05/2014 06:45

His behavior might not be your problem but seeing as you keep meeting her then you do need to make a decision ; a) stops seeing her, b ) ignore the behavior, c) suggest different more suitable places to meet or d) call her out on it. I hope you do not chose a

drinkingtea · 18/05/2014 06:57

Do you have a 3 year old, or is hers the youngest in the group? Are you expecting her 3 year old to sit quietly while you drink coffee and chat? Did you used to meet at adult orientated coffee shops where DC had nothing to do, and talk over their heads, when your own DC were 3, and along with you. Perhaps her parenting is bad, but it sounds as if you are meeting in venues guaranteed to bring out the worst in a 3 year old... Perhaps she had told him before they sat down that if he hit they would leave - so perhaps she was applying a sanction she had for-warned him about by leaving.

Although your friend may not be handling the hitty 3 year old very well, your stupid text comment to her would of course annoy her - it wasn't you he hit, and of course your comment sounded like a dig - how on earth did you think she would respond (esp. to you - no reason to apologise to you as you didn't get hit). YABU

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