To not be 100% sure I want to be a policemans wife?

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My dh wants to join the police and I'm worried it will mess up mine and the childrens lives.

I know it's his life long dream and although I'm supportive, all I hear is the bad shifts, the constantly being late home, the cancelling of holidays, the high divorce rate....he currently has a not very fulfilling job but it is managerial and well paid.

Does anyone have experience of actually being a policemans wife? I need some actual views instead of what's in the media.

Am I just being really selfish?

My Dh is a policeman and very proud of what he does. Yes there are late nights ad long hours but there are also days he gets off in the week like today that we get to spend as a family. My Dh is CID so his shifts aren't the same as a beat officer but he has 3 weekends out of 5 off and finishes no later then 11pm (unless caught up at work which does happen). I can't ever remember the shifts he started on being that bad and he has made some amazing friends through the job and had some brilliant opportunities (he worked the Olympics which was according to him so much better then having a ticket).
We have never had to cancel a holiday and he has very understanding bosses and as good a work life balance as I think he could hope to get.

I can't help through experience but look here:

This

Mrmonkey thank you for posting. Honestly that's the first positive information I've heard and it's very welcome :)

I have a few friends in the met which are CID and although happily re-married, there first marriages didn't last through the early days. Don't want that for us. Saying that these are the kind of guys to end up in strip clubs etc so maybe it wasn't just the job that was the problem.

My friends dh is a policeman, yes sometimes his shifts include nights but then he is also one of the few dads who is able to do the school run! He loves his job, it works well for their lifestyle and his bosses were very accommodating when his wife needed major surgery last year. Basically his work life balance is superb and he is a beat officer.

It's not something that is easily answerable, sorry! It will depend so much of which force, which role he is in, things like that.

DP is currently working 'front line' in a busy London borough, he's been in about 5 years now. We have a toddler.

So the pros... Well, he loves his job, he really does. He is so much happier doing it than he was in his desk job. I am proud that he does a worthwhile job. His shifts, which are fixed on a rota, mean that I can work full-time too as he is around during the week - I couldn't work f/t if he was working 9-5 too. The money is ok, and there is a pretty good degree of job security (I know there are talks of cuts and redundancies but they aren't really considering making 20 and 30-something frontline police redundant)

We haven't had to a cancel a holiday and he is very, very rarely called in on a rest day, and even rarer that it is a 'you must' work on a rest day as opposed to them needing extra bodies and asking who wants to work. He doesn't do much overtime but I get the impression that is because he is in such a busy London borough that they have a lot of officers and so they don't get caught short the way some smaller places might.

I also really enjoy having time to myself, I'm so used to it now that having 4 out of 10 evenings alone at home is my standard and I get annoyed if he is around more

The cons... Shift work isn't for everyone. If you're not used to it, it could make a very big impact on your life. Managing dinner time and bedtime alone for nights in a row. Sleeping alone. Keeping the kids quiet or out of the house during the day on weekends or school holidays so he can sleep. Him being exhausted and grumpy as he has just come off a row of night shifts. Court dates given about a week's notice and mucking up your childcare arrangements. The non-police parent more likely to be the one that pisses off work by being the main parent to take time off to look after the children.

Overall I wouldn't change it, I really wouldn't. But that doesn't stop be getting fucked off with his work, or lonely if I'm on my own with a toddler all weekend.

I think you need to a) find out more about the kind of work and shift pattern he might be doing on your local force (there are police forums that can help with this), b) think about how your work and childcare etc would sit around the potential shift pattern and c) talk about how big an issue it would be to your DH if he never did get a chance to do this.

I have read that a lot of marriages break down because of the demands of the job. Not that it means yours would too but it's something to consider.

Thank you chocolate teacup that was very interesting reading. I know it's an American point of view but still makes me think. I have a brilliant career though office hours and her routine - he also works normal office hours and our lives fit in easily to this with weekends away and nights out regularly.

You do have to go into it with your eyes open. You have to accept that it is the kind of job where your family life will probably be affected and you can't really complain about it. It's not a job, per se - they aren't employees like other people are. For example, if they see trouble when they off-duty they are actually duty bound to get involved to a degree.

If you have an OH in the police you have to accept that you can't complain too much about doing 6 nights alone with the kids, that he isn't a bundle of fun coming off of night shifts etc. But it would be the same with a lot of jobs - you have to accept the challenges of that particular job and just roll with it as much as you can.

It's completely reasonable for you to be apprehensive about it, there will be clear downsides.

But you have to be supportive, you can't try and stop him when you know it's what he wants to do, especially if he's in a very unfulfilling job at the moment.

Thanks for all the posts :) I won't stop him doing it as that's not my way but I'm worried if he gives up his job now and it doesn't work out, it will leave is in a sticky situation.

His job now is just a normal everyday job. He has good days and bad. Also he's up for promotion so that's on my mind too.

I don't know, I really want him to follow his dreams but he also hates it when he feels anyone disrespects him etc and I'm guessing this might happen quite a lot in the police by the general public etc.

Should have added I've been with my Dh since we were 16 we are now 32 so marriages can survive and he sees a lot of our dd(3) and he gets lots of quality 1:1 time when I'm at work or out at the weekends.

Can I just ask where he is applying to? A friend of mine wants to join but the only force that seems to be recruiting right now is the Met.

So it may be a moot point anyway, unless you're near to London

Don't do it! My DH is a PC and its rubbish. Honestly. Especially for new recruits.

My career has to come second due to DH's. I organise every thing to within an inch of his life and then he gets sent on a course or given a shift change and all the arrangements come crashing down.

The health effects of working shifts are horrendous.

The DC have to be quiet when he's on nights and that's rubbish for us all.

Anyone can make a complaint out of nastiness and your life is on hold while its investigated - it is such a fragile career.

Plus people try and kill, attack and abuse you purely for the uniform you wear. I can never be sure that DH will come home in one piece.

Honestly I really can't tell you enough what a strain it all is. I am massively proud of DH but its really not worth it anymore.

Why doesn't he try it out by being a special first? That's what my friend did and then she joined full time. Some forces now are only accepting applications from specials, so he might need to do that to get in anyway.

I am not a policeman's wife but I work with the police pretty much all the time so I do see a lot of their job.

I think the pros are the job security as they can't be made redundant (can only be forced to retire after 30 years) and there are so many interesting bits to it.

Cons seem to me to be the shifts and for me the rank thing, where they all automatically defer to those above them. Not something I could do, as when my boss is wrong I tell her!

I'm a policeman's daughter - so not quite the same, but there was only ever me and my parents so I'm pretty sure I know what the impact of shift work can be like as obviously I was at school throughout my childhood and teens, and my mother worked 'normal' hours. The only thing we ever really found difficult as a family was when my dad had to work on Christmas Day - it only happened a couple of days, but, as a young child, I hated it. Other than that, it was fine, and we still had plenty of time together as a family. I have many happy memories of long days out together, hill-walking and going to the beach and such like - shift work doesn't put an end to all that.

My dad's retired now, but I was always proud of what he did and I still am. Policing, in my opinion, is an extremely important job, and I know that my dad was very good at it, and I'm proud of him for that. He was also able to teach me a lot, and consequently I grew up a lot more aware than many of my friends, and with a far greater understanding of the law and the way things worked. I have also always had great respect for the police.

Regarding your specific worrries, my parents have now been married for over 30 years and are still very much in love. Divorce never even came close. Cancelled holidays? Not actual going-away-somewhere holidays, no, and tbh I don't remember any annual leave getting cancelled either though it's possible that it was if a Major Incident cropped up. That doesn't happen all that often though! As for being late home, I'd be lying if I said that didn't happen, but at least he was paid for it, and usually he'd have time to ring my mam and let her know he'd be late so tea wouldn't spoil/etc. Surely most jobs have the capacity for late finishes at some times or other?

Funnily enough, I'm a shift-worker now myself, though in a different service. My partner works there with me and we work the same shifts, which actually means we get far more time off together than any other couple I know. Even before he joined me at this place of work, it wasn't too bad - certainly manageable. A lot of our colleagues say that they prefer working different shifts from their partners (most of their partners have 'normal' office-hour jobs, while they do shifts round the clock) as they have more 'space' and time to themselves. You never know, you may find this a benefit! It wouldn't work as well for us as we are used to spending a lot of time together, but I guess it depends on what you do for work.

My dh is in the police, on response shifts.
The hours are long and antisocial sometimes but the repeating shift pattern means that you can plan family time quite far ahead.
We needs to pay for less childcare as he is available during the week while I'm at work.

Honestly, it takes a bit of adjustment but you soon learn to adapt.
When hd is working back shift and not available in evenings I get some time to myself to catch up with tv/ early night/ long bath, whatever.
Then when he is home in the evening, I feel like we make more effort to make the most of the time together, rather than just being zonked out in front if the tv for the night.

My dad's a policeman and he and my mum have together for 40 years. I only remember the positives growing up, dad was around much more than friends dad's etc. mum has said it was hard at times but the shift patterns can often work to your advantage.

PS - I know I sound negative but DH and I have been together 16 years, DC are 9 and 7 and he was already a PC when we met. I've done this for such a long time. Fingers crossed he gets through his last few years of service OK and then he can retire and find another job instead.

There is no real job security in the police. You can't be made redundant but you can lose your job (and pension) through misconduct despite being perfectly innocent. I have seen it happen to people and its heartbreaking. Especially when the partner has sacrificed their career to enable other person to have the Police career.

Why not try it out first? Can he join as a Special Constable, and do it on a voluntary basis outside his work? He would not get paid, but get training, and try it out and see if he likes it. The only perk was free travel on bus/trains etc.

My husband joined the police at 30(now retired), eventually in CID. It worked well for us. You do have to accept that at times, particularly weekends you feel a bit like a lone parent but that was more then made up for the times off during the week.
It can be worrying at times not being sure what they're caught up in. You need to be able to talk and trust each other too but that goes for any marriage but they do experience some awful things so may need to be a bit more understanding.
My husband still meets up with his old friends and they seem to have a special bond.
Not sure the police is the same as it was a few years back but take a chance, worked for us

I used to work for the Met, although not as an officer. Have to say, it's less a dream job than simply what most of them were born to do. They just are police, in their blood, in a way that's hard for us to really fathom. So I guess what I'm saying is that if your DH is like them, then he has to go for it and fulfil his potential, whatever the risks.

And while it is demanding and some marriages don't survive, lots do. For every officer fooling around, there's another who is utterly steadfast. You know your DH and you sound like you have a strong, supportive marriage. If he cares as much about it as you do, you should be fine. (Although YANBU, because who can ever be 100% sure of anything?)

My friends husband also had a lifelong dream of joining the police, and went in the community support officer route, which he did not enjoy at all. They had no power, no respect, and he was in a really rough neighborhood, developed anxiety and moved on - to be a bus driver, which he thinks is worse!

Aside from that, my best friend was a special constable, she loved it, and met her police husband on the job. He has quite regular hours at the moment, up at 4 am, home for 3 pm.

My dh isn't a PC he's a hospital dr but I think a lot of the same pressures apply. (Stupid unsociable rotas, working BH/Christmas, stressful, violence against him, difficult situations)
I've always said I love my DH despite his job. It can be frustrating and stressful but he truly loves his career choice. On calls, nights & holidays can be lonely but you can get used to it. To be fair I think I struggle with it more than DS ( who just accepts it as daddy's job)
I've been with DH since his first job and you do get used to the difficulties of the job. I think the stress can be difficult. DH can get very morose when he loses a patient but we've developed ways of coping with that over the years. Likewise when he's had a complaint made or someone sues, he's been cleared every time but it's still an incredibly stressful time. Our current stress is a needle stick wait.
I'm there for him, give him time and try to stop him from disappearing off and drowning his sorrows. We try not to let the job become the only thing that dictates our lives. I just accept that I do dinner/bath/bed time, if he's here it's a bonus. We make sure that sometimes I get a day to myself if I want it - if we can't due to rota commitments he gets his parents to help oUt.
I'm an architect and used to work FT however with DHs consultant position and the fact that that dictated various things (less flexibility, moving to within a certain distance of the hospital) I've started my own practice as we couldn't cope with 2 inflexible jobs.
I'm not sure if that's helpful at all, we've been through 14 yrs of the job and although it's not always been easy we're still doing it and doing it together. I do think that if he didn't love the job I'd urge him to change it as it can be stressful & soul destroying on occasion.
Hope it all works out for you.

My DDs were very of the boy who's DDad often came on nursery/school trips.

I had to explain that he was a paramedic and the days he had off were exchanged for weekend and night shifts, so he might be in call on a motor way bridge when his DS wanted him to take him to football.