To not be 100% sure I want to be a policemans wife?

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My dh wants to join the police and I'm worried it will mess up mine and the childrens lives.

I know it's his life long dream and although I'm supportive, all I hear is the bad shifts, the constantly being late home, the cancelling of holidays, the high divorce rate....he currently has a not very fulfilling job but it is managerial and well paid.

Does anyone have experience of actually being a policemans wife? I need some actual views instead of what's in the media.

Am I just being really selfish?

Yes, I think there's a big difference between an officer at the end of their career and someone just starting out, in terms of pay & benefits.

Yes. The good pension is somewhat of a myth.
I'm a sw and mine has changed massively too.
We are already looking at options for early retirement as neither of us fancy working into our late sixties.

I'm quite shocked that someone said police officers sometimes go 12 hours with no food or drink. I'd keel over if I had no water for that long, especially if I was performing an active demanding role.

I know! And not being able to go for a wee either. Police officers are basically superheroes really.

I'd heard that about them not being able to wee. Awful

TBh

I would worry a bit about his reasons for wanting to become a policeman and want him to think about that.

Wanting to be respected ...Hmmm, sounds like he maybe feels he doesn't have enough of that at his present work, but asking for that, or worse, forcing it from the general public sounds like recipe for unhappiness for someone.

BTW i may have made a bit of a leap there, from "he hates to be disrespected" to " he wants to join the police to gain respect, but that is what crossed my mind.

My DH has just left the police (Scotland) and I'm afraid I can only agree with all the negative comments. Yes he was around during the week a lot, pension was good (but he paid in 14%), good pay... but, to echo others:

Trying to keep kids quite when DH is sleeping is virtually impossible, DH grumpy because he's not getting enough sleep. And even harder when you have no cash to take them anywhere on a wet winter's day.

It ruins your social life, DH worked 3 weekends in 5, and yy to people not understanding why he can't just take a day or weekend off for a wedding or party.

Court messes up everything, you organise your life around a court date then it's cancelled or postponed, or his rest days are cancelled last minute and he misses eg his child's birthday.

Annual leave is set, once kids are at school that's a problem if his leave doesn't coincide with school hols.

Your career is buggered, he may have days off mid-week but you can't rely on him for childcare because of last minute court dates, being held on for hours after his shift finishes and the 5 wk shift pattern means he's never off the same days each week.

Shifts are terrible for your health, it can't be good to do it longterm. DH managed about 4 hrs sleep a day on nightshift.

Police Scotland is all about targets IMO, there will be no respect, just get your monthly quota of tickets. Career progression and specialisation if it suits them not you.

Sorry all very negative, but my DH has just left after less than 10 years, completely disillusioned after being so passionate about the career when he joined. He now earns much, much less but is happier, healthier and we are happier as a family.

Unhelpful and untrue Sophie

My dad was a policeman. I hated it. As a teenager I would lie in bed worrying that this was the night he wouldn't come back because some idiot had hit him too hard. The fear that goes through you when he hasn't come home and then a different policeman knocks on the door, Then there is hushed talking, mum crying and then a trip to hospital.
When you are little you get hissed at because you run up the stairs too noisily and dad has just come off a night shift. Sometimes you don't see dad for a week at a time because his shift pattern doesn't fit with real life.
Dad was a policeman during the miners strike. We lived in a northern town. My life was made hell because of it. Policemen are often very badly thought of.

My dh suggested becoming a policeman, I got him to talk to my dad and it put him right off. Had he become a policeman I would have left. It is no life for anyone.

Policemen and their families truly have my respect because they put up with so much crap on a daily basis it is unreal!

Trying to keep kids quiet when someone's sleeping during the day is not impossible - I managed it from a very early age . It may take some getting used to, but it's not impossible or anywhere near it. Just depends on how well-behaved and respectful your kids are, I suppose!

As for the danger V respect aspect, I reckon it must depend on where within the police the person works as well as the geographical area. We're from the North East, and during my childhood my dad worked in Firearms and then on Traffic. Firearms was undoubtedly more dangerous, but very exciting and stimulating for him, and meant that he had to undergo a lot of training. I was too young to really think much about it, but I don't think my mam had too much cause for concern.

On Traffic, he had very little trouble from people - as I mentioned in my earlier post, he always said he got on with most of the people he arrested, and the job he does now (retired from the Police, but didn't feel ready to retire completely) is linked. What does your DP want to do ultimately?

I also work with a lad who does voluntary work as a Special. He loves it, despite working in one hell of a rough area, and is dying to join the force 'for real'. Clearly though, it's not a job for everyone. Has your DP looked into where he could go from policing if it turned out not to be for him?

Now I would argue traffic is more risky than firearms.

The firearms units stay well back whereas traffic officers stand on busy motorways, get involved in high speed chases etc. one of my dad's colleagues got knocked down and killed at the scene of an accident by someone who saw it as a bit of sport.

The other thing with traffic is no one in the force likes them because of their high arrest rate and also because they are indiscriminate about who they nick - such as colleagues who are drink driving.

I think with the police you used to get out what you put in but now it's not the police force my dad joined.

I would also agree that your kids will have a lot of aggro from people as they grow up, my dad also policed the miners strike and I STILL get people who know him making snide comments about it. I get that it was grim but the police are people, they have families and are just doing a job.

You need to look at the training schedule too. In Scotland DH had to do a 12 week residential course at the police college and was only allowed home at weekends and I was heavily pregnant.

My dad never had a problem with other police departments disliking them... Perhaps depends who your colleagues are!

And I never had any problems with anyone being snide about my dad being a policeman - though tbf, the miners' strike was before I was born and things may have been different if I'd been older and around then.

I definitely have people struggle to reconcile my left-wing views and police officer husband! I often find myself saying "yes, my husband's a police officer - a nice one"

The resentment is still there in some parts of the north.

My husband is an officer. He has been for 22 years and I've been around for 20 of those. Its something I'm now used to but it was difficult at first. Working 9-5 mon-fri now would drive me up the wall. I cant be doing with him being at home every single weekend, I'm busy with children's hobbies so him complaining he wants to go and do x,y,z but cant because of the children's activities would drive me bonkers. He works 2 early shifts, 2 afternoon shifts, 2 night shifts then 4 days off.

I love the night shifts (9/10pm- 7am) because I get the bed to myself and I get to do everything I need during the day. He gets up around 4pm and spends time with the children and helps them do homework while I cook dinner etc.

His early shifts (7am - 4pm)are lovely too because he's already been up and used the bathroom when I wake up so I don't have any juggling to do when I get the children up for school. He's home just after the children get home so they see their dad too.

The afternoon shifts I don't like. They start at anytime between 12pm and 4pm, depending on the day of the week and the local staff levels. They finish between 11pm and 4am depending what time they start. These shifts are just wrong as starting at 12pm means they don't get to have lunch before they go and its rare to get a break for dinner during any shift so they often go all day without eating a thing. He always comes home grumpy from afternoon shifts.

Its also nice that he is off during the week sometimes so we get to spend time together and have lunch out which lot of couples cant do as often as we can. Also having a 2 week holiday means he only has to book 6 days off because he can use the 4 rest days before and after his 6 day shifts to take his holiday so they can actually get more holiday than most other professions by working around the shift patterns.

The downside is that if you get invited out at the weekend he may not be home to babysit. My social life is very limited because I just don't know if he will be home or not. I had to cancel a training course I had booked for 5 months because he worked late and didn't get home in time for me to go. That can happen a lot. I never make plans for anything, everything I do is last minute. I've lost a lot of 'friends' because they just don't get why he isn't home to babysit. To them he is doing it on purpose so I cant go out rather than he's still working

A policeman's wife for me is in effect a single mum who has a husband come home a various times of the week.
My children are very proud of their dad. He received a bravery award recently and he was promoted. My children's faces were amazing when we all went to the ceremony to collect his certificates.

Your (normal) friends will not understand anything you ever have to go through. I am currently having to deal with a lunatic mum at my children's school who is taking it out on me because my husband had to deal with her during his working day.
This can be hard to deal with especially because I don't know what happened to need the police to come out to her and everyone is asking you what she's on about and I cant say anything to them because I don't have a clue about it, they often make up their own stories which can cause more problems.
On occasions 'clients' realise who you are with when out and you can get abuse etc while you are out and about but as long as you don't work where you live (unfortunately my husband just got promoted and moved to our town so im bracing myself for more crap) then life would carry on as before.

Most divorced officers usually marry other police officers and the way the shift system works often means they never see each other. This puts a huge strain on their relationship. Most happily married officers are not married to other officers. The wife does need to understand though that just because the shift should finish at 4pm it doesn't mean that 'clients' are happy to not commit crime during the shift change. A police officer will be home once their paperwork is done and no amount of moaning or tantrums from the wife will change that, I know because I've tried

But I wouldn't want my husband to do anything else. He loves his job, it would kill him if he were locked in an office all day every day. As everyone else has suggested your husband may need to be a Special Constable or PCSO for 2 years before he can apply anyway so that would give him a good idea as to whether its for him or not.

I love my policeman husband and I wouldn't have it any other way

SuperSophie your comments upthread are offensive and ignorant. Disgusting actually.

My DH is a response officer, he doesn't love the job. They are chronically understaffed and badly treated. I hate his job tbh and OP if I was you I would do all I could to discourage your DH from joining. They used to be treated well with a good pension and benefits (which is fair IMO as its a horrible job at times) but at are being royally screwed over now. I'm not saying it has no good aspects, I don't actually mind the shifts in that he gets time off during the week which is nice but we have a very young child and it is exhausting for him and me, we have no family near to help out at all which is a nightmare. If you have family close to you it might not be so bad.

Sorry to be negative, I don't like his job though and it's dragging us both down atm.

It's clearly not the same as being a lone parent, nowhere near, but there can be a hell of a lot of solo parenting. I imagine it is easier when the kids are older but weekends with babies and toddlers aren't always the most fun. Soft play and swimming pools are always really crowded and there are obviously no baby groups on. My continual bugbear is friends who think the weekend is solely for family time and can't spare half an hour to meet you at the park once in a blue moon even when they know you're on your own all weekend

The housework is our current nightmare. We both work f/t but can't really get a cleaner as there is no sensible routine to DP's shifts. We muddle through but sometimes it becomes obvious how much more you can get done when there are two of you in most evenings and weekends. Our doors and skirting boards have been half painted for the better part of 6 months - how do you really manage glossing when you have two hours an evening to yourself, on your own, after the toddler has gone to bed, and there are still dinners and lunch boxes to be made? There ends up being a lot of tag-team parenting and you both spend a lot of time on your own, so it's difficult to get stuff done.

Super Sophie may well have a point

Thurlow, yy re cleaner. So many people suggest it to me and they just don't get it! We can't get a cleaner, we don't have a regular time they could come, grrr.

And whoever said it can be easy to keep kids quiet if you have respectful ones: that's nonsense. Any child can realise they have left their toothbrush in the ensuite or they can drop a mug or fall over or sit on the remote control etc. I am back at work tomorrow and haven't had a break all weekend, sorry for being abrupt. But it is v v v v different being police wife than police child.

KeinBock - your link is American, nothing to do with the OP and her husbands wish to join the Scottish police force. all the statistics in this are for America so not really helpful to OP. Domestic violence is present in all careers, in all walks of life and to say one is more than the other is more than likely untrue because DM is usually hidden behind closed doors the statistics can be misleading as it often goes unreported.

Well yeah, Cheery, but anyone at all can drop a mug - that's hardly peculiar to children. I assumed the pp who mentioned difficulty keeping children quiet meant things like encouraging them to keep the TV down low/not run up and down stairs/not shout/etc .

Children are hard to keep quiet. We were hard to keep quiet, especially in the winter lots of trips to relatives.

My mum has admitted she was lonely and was also worried how she would cope when dad retired which is another thing to consider because he is then under your feet all the time! But, because he retired young (49 like a pp husband) mum was young enough to go full time and build her career which she's a massive success at.

Another thing I remember as a child is shift barbecues and shift get togethers. The wives were as good friends as the husbands/officers. Not everyone's cup of tea but worth considering

Keeping the children quiet depends a huge amount on their age. I was a police child, I remember having to be quiet and it was fine. But at the moment I have a 2.4yo. As a baby it wasn't too bad, but right now she can make a lot of noise but is still too young to fully grasp the concept of keeping quiet without me properly telling her off for normal playing, which just isn't fair on her. Our bedroom looks out on the garden too which is an arse. It's not often I need to keep her quiet so I tend to find something out of the house to do, but it's not always that simple.