to want my mother to actually give a shit about her grandchildren? An ongoing saga!

[PennyTheProcrastinator]

My mother has cut me out of her life. Due to this, last year on my 17 year old DD's birthday when she sent her a present, I told her not to bother sending my DCs birthday gifts with notes saying she loved them very much, when she had told me never to contact her again. I told her that until she had resolved her issues with me, she should not contact my DCs as I should be just as important to her as them, as her daughter. I am extremely angry at her and just lost it.

I was hoping this would shake her a bit and she would want to sort things out with me as she has always professed to adore my DCs. She has not seen my DCs for almost 2 years now. DC4 (aged 3) does not know her at all (she had seen him 3 times before then) and I felt horrendous when his nursery had a grandparents day recently as he does not recognise what grandparents are as he has never had them. The other DCs had her in their lives until they were 15 and 10.

At Christmas, my DCs did not receive even a card from my mother or any extended family including my siblings which particularly hurt as DC4 is the youngest child in the whole family and what Christmas should be about .

My DCs have mentioned her recently, especially the oldest, and it cause me tremendous pain to know that their grandmother really does not give a shit about them. The DSs had their birthdays recently again without a word from anyone. I have had health issues as well which my family know about and not one of them have contacted me.

I can't believe that this is the way it is. My DC may never have any contact with their relatives again! It scares the hell out me. The same thing happened to me when my mother cut off HER family and my father's family when I was a child. I have emailed her recently saying that I was wrong to tell her she could not see the DC and I want them to have my family in their lives so they know where they came from but she has not replied.

How can she have watched them grow up and have loved them and now just cut them out along with me. I can't understand it. She has other grandchildren who have always been prioritised over mine though. I really can't accept this and the stress is making me more unwell. She is also still tending my DD's grave (she died as a baby) which I am quite annoyed about but is not bothered about her living grandchildren. It is such a headfuck. AIBU?

So your mum stopped contact when you told her to? You can't use your children as pawns and then get upset when she chooses not to give in to your emotional blackmail.

BTW, I don't know the backstory, but if your mother has a habit of cutting people out, maybe it's best in the long run. Rather than a lifetime of walking on eggshells, IYSWIM.

This is your doing. You need to grow up, realise what you've done, apologise to your mother and children and them accept the world does not revolve around you, so being a drama llama will not do you any good.

"How can she have watched them grow up and have loved them and now just cut them out along with me. I can't understand it"

ermm..... really, you cant understand it??

"I told her that until she had resolved her issues with me, she should not contact my DCs as I should be just as important to her as them, as her daughter"

You told her to do it, thats why. As Gobby says, you are in the wrong whatever the fall out with your mother, for using the children in your argument.

Sad as the situation is you are being totally unreasonable. She sent a gift, you told her not to and now you are upset that she is no longer sending gifts.

Just because you have no relationship with her should not stop her grandchildren from having one but that is effectively what you are doing by telling her that until you and she are sorted she shouldn't contact them. You obv have issues, however, she doesn't have issues with your kids.

I get the feeling because of your relationship she will never win anyway.

What you are telling us here is that you wish that your mother (and extended family) would give a shit about you, which is not unreasonable. It doesn't really seem to be about your children at all.

Errmm am I reading this right?

Whatever beef you had with your mum the children should never have been brought into it. To ask her not to contact the children because you were at odds with her is quite disgraceful.

I am sorry you are so upset Penny. But I have to admit I am a bit confused. I don't know what has gone wrong with your relationship with your mother and the rest of your family - however you first say that you told your mother not to bother contacting your children 'until she had resolved her issues with' you. So as this has not happened it seems she has decided to take you at your word - horrible to cut out her grandchildren but if she is NC with you it is going to be hard to maintain a relationship. You are angry when she is involved and angry when she isn't... let it go. Or go to your mother and try and resolve things - if you can. But don't let her make you miserable, if she is manipulative and as passive aggressive as implied, then try not to give her more power over you.

You cannot control what your mother does. I have to tell myself that all the time as my mum is infuriating. If your mother does not want to salvage your relationship even for the sake of her Grandchildren then you have to find the strength to rise above and ensure your children have a fantastic relationship with you. You haven't mentioned their father but he is the other half of your children's family can you concentrate on that? Regardless - I had no relationship with my Grandparents as a child and my parents were pretty dysfunctional but I have a great relationship with my siblings and our own children are benefiting as they grow up. The next generation are not going to F_ up the way our parents and GP's did (I hope). Take care.

It sounds as though you have tried to make amends for telling her not to contact your children any more, but there isn't much more you can do. It is a mess - you tried to force her hand by refusing access to her grandchildren and she called your bluff. unfortunately, I think this is a case of being careful what you wish for.

I know that you say you have sent an email, but could you try calling her? Do you know why she originally stopped contact with you? Do you want her back in your life, or just to recommence contact with your children? I think you need to work out what you want and then sort out how to go about making it happen, as if you are conflicted and likely to blow up again, the chances are any solution will only be temporary.

The 'unresolved issues' were her abuse of me in childhood. I was sexually abused under her care and later punished for it. I was also terribly emotionally abused by her and after going though a mental health 'crisis' a few years ago (DD2's death contributed to that as well) and seeking therapy, I went through my childhood with my therapist and it realised how bloody terrible it was. I wanted to bring it out in the open and for her to understand how much it affected me. My bio father abandoned me too and when he tried to make contact me when I was a teenager, she did not even tell me. I was demonised by her all through my teenage years and totally believed that I was this evil, warped thing that she told me I was.

That is why I told her that unless she was prepared to accept my perception of my childhood and work though it with me that she should not be making contact with my DC. She has just shut down now. Believe me I was totally in denial about her and my childhood and we were even close before I brought the skeletons out of the closet.

So why do you want this woman near your children?
I would t want her within 10 miles of mine.

In light of your update, your children aren't missing out on anything!

Similar story here.

I went NC with my DM about 12 months ago, however it is my argument/disagreement with my DM and nothing to do with my DS. Just because I don't want anything to do with her, doesn't mean that I should cut my DS off from her and vice versa.

Of course she is not going to send cards or presents or see your children because you told her she couldn't. She wasn't the one that made that decision, you did.

I do understand, more than most (as you could be telling my story), but I think you are in the wrong by telling her she can't contact/see the grand children.

My DS knows some basic background to why I don't speak to or see his Nanna, but I would never stop him seeing her. That wouldn't be fair on my DS and he comes first.

Penny, that is terrible, I am really sorry you suffered through all that.

But if she was so vile, why would you want her in you and your DC's lives?

I really do think you should go back for some more therapy. Everything you've written screams that you haven't managed to move on from your mother's inability to love you, keep you safe and treat you properly all through your life.

I guess I hoped for a happy ending. Hugs and a happy family all round. Not going to happen though is it? Amazing how things become much clearer when you write it all down!

I blame myself for my DCs losing out on having other people to love them but I had to confront my mother about this.

But you are the one who gave the ultimatum that she was not to contact your DC's until she had resolved the issues with you. Your DD was 17 and old enough to make her own decisions without you taking control. I think you are the one in the wrong in this case.

Wow there's drip feeding and then there's this...

YABU to want her to give a shit about your children.

You should be thankful that she has fucked off out of their lives. She is a horrible person who has given you the most awful upbringing. Why on earth would you want her in your children's lives. I understand they have been asking and possibly upset about not having a GP but she is not going to be the GP that you want her to be when she has never been any sort of mother to you. You absolutely did the right thing in telling her not to bother unless she was going to bother with you. It was obvious from your OP that something big had gone on and shame on following posters for not realising that and piling in saying you should never have stopped her contact with them.

Sorry you are going through this. I am having counselling at the moment to deal with mother/family issues and if my 'mother' walked back into my life and told me she wanted some sort of relationship with my children, I would tell her where to go. My children have asked about her (although I haven't seen her myself since I was 4) and I told them the truth, that she isn't a nice person, wasn't nice to me and we don't see her.

I know Calamitously I have been back recently after my mother finally cut me off when I would not back down and accept her 'version of events' in that I was a crazy, psycho child who she had to lock the knives away from .

I don't think it is something you can ever move on from really.

It is tricky. I have considered going NC with my Dm for various reasons but find it difficult due to DS- I don't see how it is possible to be NC myself and not for DS- both practically DS is too young to travel to see DM without me- and emotionally - if either DM doesn't want a relationship with me or vice versa because of our perceived differences/toxicity etc - how can I approve a relationship between DS and DM.
I think you have to choose- i think you chose but haven't necessarily considered the implications

You can move on from it. You just need more help to do so. But you can (and will) get there.

Penny part of my counselling was because I was/am desperate for this perfect family, that all care about me and my children. I am coming to the conclusion it will never be the way I want it to be because there are some utterly shit people in my family and I know now that I actually don't want anything to do with some of them. Its hard because I can't cut them out completely, as I would like to do, but I also recognise that I am not going to put my children through thinking we have such a great family when we don't. Ultimately, the ones that do matter are the ones that care and show it. The others can go to hell as far as I am concerned.

I recognise where you are coming from, but my counsellor said to me, I have to realise it is not my behaviour that causes this, its theirs. And it really does help. I have done nothing wrong, it is them and the way they are and it has helped me to distance myself emotionally. I have always felt the burden of everything being my fault, because of my 'mother' leaving but actually I can see that none of it was me, it was her and other family, its them with the problem, not me and it is the same in your case. It really isn't you. You have done nothing wrong at all.

I don't understand why you'd want your children to have contact with a grandparent that is so awful that you need to cut them out of your life. It's not so thing you do because of a petty falling out.

I haven't seen my father for 13 years. In a large part it was DS1 who made me see that I had to stop all contact with him. I didn't want him to have the opportunity to treat my child as badly as he has treated me (and he would because he's a seriously damaged and damaging person). I don't let my children have a relationship with him because I am a good mother who cares about their well being.