to want my mother to actually give a shit about her grandchildren? An ongoing saga!

[PennyTheProcrastinator]

My mother has cut me out of her life. Due to this, last year on my 17 year old DD's birthday when she sent her a present, I told her not to bother sending my DCs birthday gifts with notes saying she loved them very much, when she had told me never to contact her again. I told her that until she had resolved her issues with me, she should not contact my DCs as I should be just as important to her as them, as her daughter. I am extremely angry at her and just lost it.

I was hoping this would shake her a bit and she would want to sort things out with me as she has always professed to adore my DCs. She has not seen my DCs for almost 2 years now. DC4 (aged 3) does not know her at all (she had seen him 3 times before then) and I felt horrendous when his nursery had a grandparents day recently as he does not recognise what grandparents are as he has never had them. The other DCs had her in their lives until they were 15 and 10.

At Christmas, my DCs did not receive even a card from my mother or any extended family including my siblings which particularly hurt as DC4 is the youngest child in the whole family and what Christmas should be about .

My DCs have mentioned her recently, especially the oldest, and it cause me tremendous pain to know that their grandmother really does not give a shit about them. The DSs had their birthdays recently again without a word from anyone. I have had health issues as well which my family know about and not one of them have contacted me.

I can't believe that this is the way it is. My DC may never have any contact with their relatives again! It scares the hell out me. The same thing happened to me when my mother cut off HER family and my father's family when I was a child. I have emailed her recently saying that I was wrong to tell her she could not see the DC and I want them to have my family in their lives so they know where they came from but she has not replied.

How can she have watched them grow up and have loved them and now just cut them out along with me. I can't understand it. She has other grandchildren who have always been prioritised over mine though. I really can't accept this and the stress is making me more unwell. She is also still tending my DD's grave (she died as a baby) which I am quite annoyed about but is not bothered about her living grandchildren. It is such a headfuck. AIBU?

OP I hope you can resolve things soon. I don't know if wanting her to do the right thing ever goes away. It is a deep wound. But she can't heal it and you know that. But I know knowing that doesn't make it easier to accept. It takes time. You kept it all locked in for a long time so it will take some time to come back out. Don't be hard on yourself for not being instantly better. You were very badly hurt and it is okay to need time.

I didn't say she was lying. Why would she want her mother to have anything to do with her children if she permitted knowingly or afterwards excused sexual abuse? The OP told her mum not to contact the kids, she hasn't and now she is complaining about it. It sounds like the OP wants her mother to drop to her knees begging forgiveness for things she may have had no knowledge of at the time and has decided to use the children as a means to achieve that. I don't know what her mum has or has not done but you cannot try to control people into behaving/reacting like you want. Especially if they have past form of being unreasonable. Well, you can try but it might not turn out to your liking. If the mum does not want to apologise because she thinks OP is exaggerating or thinks she was justified etc, OP can't make her. If all those things are true, you have to cut her off if she won't apologise. If they are not all true and there is an element of attention-seeking or seeking to blame current bad circumstances on a distorted version of childhood involved (met a handful of adults like this), the mum has a right to try and maintain her dignity.

mimishimmi I think youre insane, why would we need to OPs abusive mother here to hear her side? . The OP needs help in the form of counselling, she knows this.

The 'unresolved issues' were her abuse of me in childhood. I was sexually abused under her care and later punished for it. I was also terribly emotionally abused by her and after going though a mental health 'crisis' a few years ago (DD2's death contributed to that as well) and seeking therapy, I went through my childhood with my therapist and it realised how bloody terrible it was. I wanted to bring it out in the open and for her to understand how much it affected me.

McFarts this is what I was a bit dubious about. I've seen seen a few cases personally and heard of many more anecdotally where someone well into their thirties/forties has some sort of crisis (relationship, job, mental health etc), starts seeing therapists and then decides any problems they have now is somehow all their parents fault and they want to address that with them. Parent is totally blindsided since topic had never been raised before in past twenty years former child has been an adult and unwilling to discuss since they feel they were trying to do their best at the time. If she really was that awful, why would you try to make them understand? They'd know perfectly well what the effect would be and wouldn't be sorry anyway. Siblings support parent because they have no recollection of the abusive events that sibling claims and that they certainly didn't happen to them. Person feels abandoned by family because none of them are willing to address issues they don't believe were ever there and similarly they start seeing this person as a bit of a fruitcake (if they did not already).

When I was eight I was molested (no penetration) by a boy in his late teens who enticed me from the garden of a friend's house which was about half a mile from our own (friend's mum was cooking dinner). He had a prior history which we didn't know about (family had moved into town about a month prior) and police/court case were involved. He was a very nasty piece of work. In hindsight, I was way too young to be let out with my younger brothers and I'd never let my children do it. But they were different times, I lived rurally and it was normal for the children in my neighbourhood to play outside after school until the streetlights came on. My parent's didn't blame me but they did say 'Didn't we tell you not to go off with strangers?" . Well with my 8 year old logic he wasn't a stranger as I had seen him around before. I did feel a great deal of shame for a long time but at no point can I remember feeling angry at mum and dad nor do I now. Any anger is solely with person who did it. Parents aren't perfect.

Anyway will bow out now as the question was whether OP thought she was BU to expect her mum to 'give a shit'. Well, her mum obviously did by continuing to write to them after OP cut her off but then OP told her not to bother until she agreed with her. That's not reasonable and I agree with the first few posters who said she tried to use her children as a pawn for her own ends and it has backfired by making the whole family pissed off with her. If she'd posted in Relationships asking how she could sensitively go about re-establishing contact with her mum after all that's happened, it would be a different matter.

Mimmishimmi I was not going to respond to your post as it is utter nonsense and the type of victim blaming that I have experienced from my family but I'll bite.

I was sexually abused by an older sibling. My mother's 'golden child'. It was easier to label me as evil, disgusting, filthy and all the other names she called me, than deal with it. I accepted it and truly believed I was what she called me. A few years back, I finally asked her about it and she told me to get over it and then immediately said that she was worried that someone else's child had been 'interfered' with and changed the subject. Totally reinforcing that I was not important.

My father also left very acrimoniously and I was very traumatised by that, and domestic violence from both sides, as I was very close to him when I was tiny. I believe my mother took that as a betrayal to her. I was also reminded often that he never paid child support as a reason that I had very few things and had to wait for my older sisters to 'let me have' their cast off clothes. My mother had 8 children by 3 different fathers and my father was the one 'who ruined my mum's life'. I took responsibility for that.

My oldest 3 siblings were at boarding school so were rarely at home. I often wonder why the hell she didn't send me to boarding school too as I was such a evil presence in the house. I wish she bloody well had!

I would love to hear my mother's side of the story too. She also told me that she had done her 'best'. Having my own 4 DCs, I beg to bloody differ.

I have made allowances that she had too many DCs to deal with, that she was addicted to valium so probably can't remember much, that she had issues within her own birth family. I can forgive her very easily if she could see that she did do wrong but she can't. She has always been idealised as the one who worked 3 jobs so she could feed us, who lived on bread and water so we could eat etc.

She admitted to having been diagnosed with a mental health issue a few years back and actually said then that if I told anyone, including siblings, that she would never speak to me again ffs! Of course I didn't.

Despite all this, she is my mother and I love her. Very odd I know but I am not the type of person to have hatred in me. I am an extremely empathetic and soft hearted person that's probably why she was able to use me as her 'scapegoat' for so long. The fog has lifted now though and she will never be able to do that to me, or my DC again. That does not mean that I never want to see her again though.

I thought she would fight to see her grandchildren at least if not me.

Fair point mimishimmi I hadnt thought about it that way Im sorry for what happened to you and im sorry i called you insane, i think we grew up in a similar environment, staying out till the street lights came on pretty much echo's my childhood.

Penny I cant imagine how raw this must make you feel, like already said you need help you find strength to find a new chapter in your life that no longer includes your Mother :(