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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my mother to actually give a shit about her grandchildren? An ongoing saga!

57 replies

PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 13:32

My mother has cut me out of her life. Due to this, last year on my 17 year old DD's birthday when she sent her a present, I told her not to bother sending my DCs birthday gifts with notes saying she loved them very much, when she had told me never to contact her again. I told her that until she had resolved her issues with me, she should not contact my DCs as I should be just as important to her as them, as her daughter. I am extremely angry at her and just lost it.

I was hoping this would shake her a bit and she would want to sort things out with me as she has always professed to adore my DCs. She has not seen my DCs for almost 2 years now. DC4 (aged 3) does not know her at all (she had seen him 3 times before then) and I felt horrendous when his nursery had a grandparents day recently as he does not recognise what grandparents are as he has never had them. The other DCs had her in their lives until they were 15 and 10.

At Christmas, my DCs did not receive even a card from my mother or any extended family including my siblings which particularly hurt as DC4 is the youngest child in the whole family and what Christmas should be about Sad.

My DCs have mentioned her recently, especially the oldest, and it cause me tremendous pain to know that their grandmother really does not give a shit about them. The DSs had their birthdays recently again without a word from anyone. I have had health issues as well which my family know about and not one of them have contacted me.

I can't believe that this is the way it is. My DC may never have any contact with their relatives again! It scares the hell out me. The same thing happened to me when my mother cut off HER family and my father's family when I was a child. I have emailed her recently saying that I was wrong to tell her she could not see the DC and I want them to have my family in their lives so they know where they came from but she has not replied.

How can she have watched them grow up and have loved them and now just cut them out along with me. I can't understand it. She has other grandchildren who have always been prioritised over mine though. I really can't accept this and the stress is making me more unwell. She is also still tending my DD's grave (she died as a baby) which I am quite annoyed about but is not bothered about her living grandchildren. It is such a headfuck. AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/05/2014 14:29

I wouldent want to have anything to do with her after she emotionally and sexually abused you. If she loved you, she would not have done those awful things to you. You do need therapy to help you. Definitely nc with her or your dcs.

cerealqueen · 15/05/2014 14:31

You sound like you have had a terrible time. She didn't care about you, so why would she change now and care about your DC? I would distance myself.

CalamitouslyWrong · 15/05/2014 14:31

The previous post isn't directed at you OP though. It's to all the people who keep going on about your children's right to have a relationship with their grandparents (despite the who dangerous and abusive thing).

In your case, OP, you're really wishing that you had a halfway decent mother who could have a relationship with you and your children. It sounds very much like you hoped that she could love your children enough to see sense and stop being so awful.

Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 14:38

Calamitously I never wanted to cut her out of my life, she cut me out. I love her dearly, as crazy as it may sound. I just wanted her to tell me that I that I am not evil and all the other dreadful things she called me. The little girl inside me needed that but she just could not do it.

She actually called my DS, who was 7 at the time, ugly which is how all this started. I had not linked my anxiety disorder and extreme self hatred to my upbringing at that point.

*Aeroflot. Thank you. SHE did not sexually abuse me. She became aware of it and blamed me for it though. I thinks that's where the emotional abuse came from. I was only 8.

OP posts:
McFarts · 15/05/2014 14:43

Penny Please look into more counselling :( I agree with other posters that you really shouldnt allow your Mother to have any part in your childrens lives. Do your extended family know about the abuse? have they had your side of the story?

Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 14:44

DS is bloody gorgeous btw and deeply sensitive just like me. He remembers that even now he is 12. What was unforgivable is that she would his twin brother 'handsome' as the same time.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 15/05/2014 14:47

The comment to your DS and the fact that its stuck with him 5 years later tells you that she should not be allowed to be part of their lives.

I understand that you love her but she really isn't going to do what you want her to and you need to have more therapy about coming to terms with that.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 15/05/2014 14:50

A drip feed if ever there was one.

You want this woman in you life?

I wouldn't want this woman in my children's life. Not a chance, not for the sake of Christmas presents and grandparents day at nursery.

You've been through a lot, wise up, lose your anger, your children aren't missing out on a relationship with a woman such as your mother.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 15/05/2014 14:52

Openly, she called your daughter 'ugly' and you want this woman to be a grandmother to your children??

Penny, i think you urgently need more counselling.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 15/05/2014 14:52

Openly should read penny.

Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 14:52

McFarts Thank you. I have had counselling, lots of it. I will probably need to keep on dipping in and out for the rest of my life! Taken a break now due to finances. I have spent thousands on it. I don't think this sadness will ever leave me though. I am just so fucking jealous of other people with loving grandparents for their DCs. My DCs will have loving grandparents at least.

My siblings are not interested. I am the family 'nutter' and always will be. Besides my mother has told them all that I have had a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 14:53

Oops. My DCs will have loving grandparents at least for their children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 14:54

Enjoying the drip feed was not intentional. Just that the OP would have gone on forever if I had gotten into it.

OP posts:
McFarts · 15/05/2014 14:59

Bless you, could you not get counselling on the NHS? regarding your siblings i still think it's worth trying to explain your side of the story. Though i am also tempted to tell you to run for the feckin hills rather than have anything to do with any of them!!. As i see it they only relationship worth saving is possibly the one with your siblings.

Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 15:15

McFarts My siblings silence has said it all really. They are all adults. Most of them older than me. Not being invited to my brother's wedding last year and my neice's later this year, who I used to babysit for constantly as a teenager, has really hurt. Another brother called me an attention seeking fuck up and a sister told me that I was mental.

I have never done anything to any of them. Just told my truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyTheProcrastinator · 15/05/2014 15:29

I had CBT on the NHS initially after I was diagnosed with OCD. That therapist, god love her, was the one who opened the floodgates. I was gobsmacked when after listening to me talk about myself and asking about my childhood in the 2nd session, she then said she could not understand why I had anything to do with them and that my DCs would be damaged by them like I was. I actually thought she was very bloody rude about them back then!

She helped me start to open up the wounds and clean them out but I can't seem to close them up again. I needed my mother's help for that. I am walking around with these open wounds in agony. I function perfectly well until I am on my own with loads not much to occupy myself with or late in the evening and then the pain is overwhelming. I have to find a stick to beat myself with and that stick is currently guilt about my DCs not having contact with my family and how they will hate me for it if their grandmother dies (she is 70) and they never get to see her again.

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 15/05/2014 15:47

You don't need your mother's help to close the wounds. In fact, your mother will do exactly the opposite.

To heal the wounds you need to find some way to learn to accept that she isn't ever going to be the mother you need and want. And also to really understand that it is not your fault that your children don't have contact with your family. It is your mother's fault.

McFarts · 15/05/2014 16:48

Totally agree with Calamitously your mother will not heal those wounds in the slightest! Your children will also not blame you for any of this! I would actually tell your DD the truth and your boys when of couse they are old enough to understand.

Petrasmumma · 15/05/2014 19:04

Penny - you're better off without her in your or your DCs' lives. They don't have to have a grandmother for the sake of someone with the title.

I too cut my mother off, wanting to make her address her behaviour. It didn't work which confirmed that she is still the same horrible person. You have to approach it as protecting your family from her and move forward from there. You're not letting them down, quite the reverse.

IwinIwin · 15/05/2014 20:44

Oh OP, your mother sounds more like an infection then something that will help close wounds. Thinking back to her emotional abuse of you, do you really think she'll be different to your kids?

Could you be honest with your oldest DD, they'll all understand but she's old enough to really get the history. You may well find if she knew it, she really wouldn't want anything from your mother.

mimishimmi · 15/05/2014 21:43

YABU. You told her to stop contacting them and she did. You were trying to manipulate her into resolving her issues with you and it has backfired on you. I've known people who've had similar issues that you've described and they have wanted nothing to do with their families as soon as they are ablle so if she was as you say, why would you? Very sad for the kids of course but I'd be very interested to hear her side of this.

mimishimmi · 15/05/2014 21:48

YABU. You told her to stop contacting them and she did. You were trying to manipulate her into resolving her issues with you and it has backfired on you. I've known people who've had similar issues that you've described and they have wanted nothing to do with their families as soon as they are ablle so if she was as you say, so why would you? Why is the rest of your family siding with her? Very sad for the kids of course but I'd be very interested to hear her side of this.

mimishimmi · 15/05/2014 21:49

Sorry for double post.

McFarts · 15/05/2014 22:17

mimishimmi Read the OPs further posts Hmm

rinabean · 15/05/2014 23:09

mimishimmi you're disgusting. What exactly do you get out of saying a woman in an anonymous forum is lying about being sexually abused as a child? What does that do for you? How does that make you feel? Why are you this way?

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