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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want PILS to see newborn DS?

66 replies

Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 13:31

Background - MIL ruined our wedding a year ago and subsequently screamed down the phone at me (and hung up!) when I tried to talk to her about it 2 weeks later.

We haven't spoken since.

She refuses to accept that she has done anything wrong at all. The wedding saga is a whole other story which I posted about at the time but basically she was Shock and really did ruin our day :( (this was after 8 months of hell with her whilst planning the wedding as she disagreed entirely with how we were having the day)

She hasn't seen toddler DD since either, but I might add that even before the wedding, she had only seen her three times - all instigated by us, and we travelled down to see them. MIL refused to use skype (or similar) when DD was born (my suggestion) saying she couldn't be 'bother with all that faff'

Neither PIL makes any effort with DH. They never phone, never text but grumble like hell when DH rings or texts asking where the hell he's been (he always says things like, well you can always ring me you know etc)

Anyway. Gave birth 10 days ago. PIL's have never acknowledged the fact I've been pg - never asked how I am, or how it's going etc. Awful birth - nearly died. Showed no reaction at all to that. Basically, I get it, they don't give a toss about me!

But we are going down to visit my parents this weekend and PIL's have a holiday home there. DH wants to take both kids round to see them (not unreasonable in itself granted), however the mother bear in me is screaming why the hell should he!

I feel that they don't make an effort with DD, barely an effort with DH (their own son) and showed zero interest in the baby until he popped out. Even then, we've only had one phone call (asking about newborn, no interest shown in me even when DH said it was awful) and no card/gift etc to welcome him into the family.

The other thing here is that they have a large, uncontrolled dog who I don't want anywhere near the two little ones. Before the wedding (MIL and I have never been on great terms, but were at least speaking) on the couple of occasions we did go round, MIL refused to be put the dog out/away saying he was 'unlikely' to do anything. I know if i send DH with the two kids on his own, it's highly likely that MIL will again refuse to remove the dog, and DH will be bullied into being there, trying to watch a newborn and our rather lively, but still small (just over 1yr old) toddler.

So (if you got this far!)..Do I...

a. Tell DH to go on his own. If/when PILs kick off that kids aren't with him, make DH tell them why and say MIl still owes me an apology?

b. Just let DH take the newborn one day, and our 1 yr old the next. That way even regardless of the dog being out, he can keep full control and ensure they are safe.

c. Say over my dead body and say if they want to see the gcs, they need to apologise first and then they can visit at my home, with the dog.

I might just add, I know I'm hormonal right now so probably not thinking clearly. It's just hugely annoying that PILS want to pretend that there isn't this huge elephant in the room and think that they can sweep MILS awful behaviour under the carpet. FIL actually said a week ago that it's me who just needs to get over it and start afresh because you know what MIL is like when she's had a drink. Hmm

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 15/05/2014 14:09

Is inviting them to your parents for a couple of hours an option?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 14:12

Well, I just had a nosy at your other threads mentioning your PIL. I note that your MIL told you that you 'weren't welcome in HER family.'

Easy peasy then - 'We won't be visiting with our son, or offering any invites. As you informed Needaninsight that she wasn't welcome in your family, you'll obviously not expect to find a welcome in hers.'

cerealqueen · 15/05/2014 14:15

Nobody gains anything from this so why bother? If anything, your children need protecting from your PIL and their uncontrolled dog. Don't let it happen.

ApocalypseNowt · 15/05/2014 14:15

I think i remember your previous thread. I'd go for option a.

SaggyAndLucy · 15/05/2014 14:17

I'd go with option C personally. but then I'm older and have less patience for assholes nowadays.

mameulah · 15/05/2014 14:19

Personally I would forget about the apology. That isn't ever going to happen. Make it clear to your DH that you don't expect an apology, even though you do deserve one, and move away from whatever wedding fiasco thing being part of the problem. You don't need to forget it, but you will sound silly in twenty years saying you stopped his parents from seeing your children because of her 'wedding behaviour'.

I have a long crazy IL's story too, but without going into that, I would advise you to go WITH your dh to see your IL's. Not least because they would then be in doubt that I have no problem with being Mother BEAR. You are the mother and you set the tone in your family home. Make no apologies for that and make it clear that you are in charge.

'We would be very happy to come and see you but you will understand that it is best for your dog to be in a different room from the children?'

End of. Non negotiable.

It must be really difficult for your DH too, don't put him in a situation where he will regret different choices he has made. And to be honest it sounds as though his mother will stuff it all up anyway.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2014 14:19

As the relationship between you and PILs has been strained since the wedding it can hardly be a surprise to DH you're not planning a joint Meet Our Baby trip.

You can try to micro-manage his visit. But they're his parents. If you can't bear to accompany him, trust him.

You are visiting your parents so there could be any number of genuine reasons why you wouldn't go too.

Wanting everyone to get along is fine providing everybody makes an effort. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to forever make nice when his parents are wack jobs. Maybe they will start acknowledging both GDCs. Maybe they really are not interested and just want to see DH.

Yy life is too short ... to get dumped on. He has the right to see them but you don't have to.

SATSmadness · 15/05/2014 14:20

If you "nearly died" 10 days ago IMHO it's a little early to be doing long journeys to visit grandparents of any variety be they your parents or PILs.

BillyBanter · 15/05/2014 14:22

So they haven't invited any of you over but your DH wants to visit?

I'd say it's up to your DH if he wants to pop over to see them but not to take the kids as it's not like they are even a tiny bit interested anyway.

grumblepuss · 15/05/2014 14:29

Somewhere neutral.
Coffee shop? Somewhere they can meet you BOTH and the children.

diddl · 15/05/2014 14:39

Have they voiced any interest in seeing the GC whilst you are seeing your parents?

CrapBag · 15/05/2014 14:42

I wouldn't want her anywhere near my children. She has made it quite obvious that she doesn't like you therefore she would not be welcome in my childrens lives. I know its probably not a popular opinion because people think your DH should get a say but by him wanting to say nothing and just let it all go is completely enabling her awful behaviour towards you and she will carry on doing it.

There will also become a time when your children pick up on her attitude towards you. She may even say nasty things about you to them. Nope, wouldn't be happening. And that's without the dog issue. Which I agree with you there as well.

sittingatmydeskagain · 15/05/2014 14:50

My initial thought would be somewhere neutral - your dh can tell them that you are down for a few days, would they lile to meet for a coffee at 11am. Chances are they'll say no anyway.

diddl · 15/05/2014 14:53

Is husband hoping that they'll suddenly approve of him then if he visits with two children?

I think that he needs to visit alone -if at all-- and leave you & the kids out of this dysfunction.

HerRoyalNotness · 15/05/2014 14:54

I was just thinking what sitting said. "we'll be at xyz cafe at 10am on x date, you can meet us there to meet DS" Take your DP(arents) with you if you need moral support, or if they don't show up, you've had an outing with your DPs at least.

ThePowerOfMe · 15/05/2014 14:57

I also think option a. If your dh is still trying to have a relationship with them, then let him but I wouldn't bother with such an awful person. They aren't really interested anyway so whats the point?

TheTerribleBaroness · 15/05/2014 14:58

A or C.

Original poster
Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 15:05

Thanks for the advice all.

I shall have a look for the wedding thread now and link it.

SATS Do agree in essence, but the only reason we are going there is so that I can stay for three weeks to get some support (with newborn + toddler) as DH hasn't got any pat leave. He's taken one week unpaid, but we can't afford to take any more unpaid time. The only way to get there is to drive. My mum has been up here for over a week, but we live in a tiny place - whereas they live in a lovely big house/garden etc where at least the toddler will be able to get out and about with my folks.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw her again! That's how much I'm at the end of my tether with the woman.

DH texted to say we'd be down at the weekend - and has heard no reply anyway yet. Tempting, as some have suggested, to just insist that he goes on his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 15:12

Crazy behaviour from MIL before the Wedding thread

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 15/05/2014 15:18

Say over my dead body and say if they want to see the gcs, they need to apologise first and then they can visit at my home, withOUT the dog

If DH wants to be bullied by them, let him. You don't have to be, neither do your children.

Or - what's your mum like? Can she be terrifying? If she can then invite the PILs to come over to them, and let your mum wipe the floor with her Grin

Original poster
Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 15:22

Hmm. Can't find the actual wedding thread, maybe I simply posted vented about it on someone elses thread!

Basically, aside from the fact I got ignored all day (!) Mil sent everyone packing at8pm telling them that the venue was closing early. So before we had even cut the cake, half the guests had left.

She also put my bouquet (wrapped in satin ribbon) in beer to 'keep it fresh' , beer which then dripped all down my dress because she did it before we had the photographs taken (luckily the photographer just photoshopped it out!)

What else did she do? Hmm. Told the Best Man (my best friend from over 20 yrs) that it was appalling he was the best man as the job should have gone to someone 'in her family' and also that she was unhappy that any friends at all were at the wedding, as weddings should be all about family.

Sent her other two sons to the wedding in non matching grey suits, when the men had all been asked to wear navy (and we were happy to pay to hire for navy suits, but MIL insisted that they had navy and it was all sorted) - I know this one is minor! But still, pissed me off at the time! My Dad, brother, best man etc all looked so smart in their navy - the group shot of them all had to be done in black and white!

Oh and told loads of ppl that my father used to be an alcoholic and that's why the party was finishing early because there was to be no drink there (none of these are true!)

There was loads more that she did on the day. But basically, by 9.30pm I was crying in the toilets about how much time/money had been wasted by my parents and ourselves and now the wedding was spoilt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 15:23

Yes! It did mean to say without the dog!!!

OP posts:
RosiePosiePing · 15/05/2014 15:29

DH texted to say we'd be down at the weekend - and has heard no reply anyway yet

This says it all OP. They are not bothered. Will they even reply?

If they do, I would suggest meeting on neutral ground. There is NO way I would let my DC near an unknown large dog, with or without me.

Try to stop stressing. You have just had a baby and deserve to focus on this not some awful ILs Thanks

slithytove · 15/05/2014 15:30

No no no no no no no no no no no no a million times no.

I feel quite strongly about this Grin

  1. You are recovering, getting used to having 2 kids, and don't need additional stress. You come first.
  1. Newborn away from his mum? Not a chance.
  1. Vile MIL who owes you many apologies and doesn't want you to be part of her family.
  1. Dog. And toddler and newborn. CRAZY DOG AND BABIES AND BAD OWNER. No no no no no. Lol!

DH can go if he wants - but please put your foot down on the rest!

RosiePosiePing · 15/05/2014 15:31

OP, I've just read your wedding summary. Based on that alone I would have NC. She sounds toxic. Why do you want her in your/DC lives? (genuine question)