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If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

(178 Posts)
Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 11:34:42

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!! grin

Finola1step Sun 14-Apr-13 11:36:18

Well done.

Like you said its your day, and if her son wants the same day as you let him deal with her. Not your problem.

YoniMcShoni Sun 14-Apr-13 11:44:19

SIBU -but you already know this. wink

The problem is how to deal with her meltdown which will surely occur now you have stood up to her.

I am tempted to say though that if this is the first time you have blown up at her despite previous provocation then this might be a turning point and you could find she is much better behaved around you in future.

But it does depend on the previous relationship you had .

Plus, what was your STB H doing/saying during the conversation? If he wasnt present what does he say now? Is this a common type of demand she places on you and others . IS the nephew ' her world'?

If this is totally out of the blue then maybe she is stressed about something else entirely and the wedding just brought it all out. But if its par for the course then you may just have to distance yourself from her on a day to day basis .Keep things as polite as you can for the familys sake and just get on with the wedding your way.

Oh and congratulations . grin

YANBU, well done! Stick to your guns, if she wants to come, then come. If not, well she's cutting her nose off to spite her face.

I had something similar at my wedding, although it was my family. We had a very small wedding (10 people), and only wanted DSD and DH's nephew there as the only children there. Both my mum and nan had massive tantrums because we weren't inviting my huge family. My nan decided not to come at all, and my mum only came to the registry office. She decided she couldn't possibly sit in a restaurant (we only had a meal, no party) for the afternoon with my dad (they were recently divorced). So she went home and cried, some how this was my fault. hmm

Keep standing up for yourself.

Congratulations wishwe smile

YADNBU. Great that you stood up to her. She sounds a little on the narcissistic side, tbh.

As another poster already said, keep out of her way on the day.

thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 11:57:03

Issues have been brewing for a while, but i've been keeping my mouth shut and just nodding and smilling! (about lots of things)

I think my main issue is that she has shown zero interest in the wedding at all - until the invites went out. She then kicked off about those, so we compromised (which in hindsight, I wish we hadn't) and we never invited the nephew, she'd just presumed. She only realised he wasn't invited when another aunty replied saying she would bring her child instead of her husband! So I rang to apologise and say sorry, you can't, we should have been clearer on the invites.

Actually, we didn't put it on the invites because it is such a low key do, the invites were low key too! Just didn't assume people would assume to bring people not mentioned on the invite (big mistake!)

Anyway. I have ruined her day. I 'should' put family first because that's what 'weddings are all about' and we are 'game playing' (that's the phrase that tipped me over the edge..I'm a grown woman, and apparently I'm game playing because I'm not inviting her nephew?!)

Dh to be is fuming, and wants to give her the silent treatment until she apologises. I personally am not that bothered either way, but do feel a little bad that i let rip and told her exactly how I feel (via text..I know..should have done it verbally, but her bashing was via text!!)

No. We didn't know nephew was 'her world' and actually we are a little upset about it, because she's made zero effort since our DD was born to get to know her, and was supposed to be seeing her this weekend (first time since xmas) but has now said she won't because of how mean/ridiculous we are being about the wedding invites! So apparently, seeing DD is of no importance to her at all.

I just can't see how we are going to rectify this, because I think her behaviour is childish and ridiculous, but she obviously feels the same about our decisions!

spanky2 Sun 14-Apr-13 11:59:02

Good for you. My mil was the same. The day I married her son was the day her family was torn apart .sad

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 14-Apr-13 11:59:06

She's being a twat. Well done for standing up to her and I'm glad your D-nearly-H is backing you up.

She sounds selfish & childish. If she doesn't want to come to your wedding, frankly you could be better off! Its YOUR day. She needs a reality check & won't get that if you give into her. Stick to your guns.

digerd Sun 14-Apr-13 12:06:37

Thank goodness DH is on your side and not feeling guilty about his mum being upset/angry.
She antagonised him by saying his nephew was 'her world' and showing no interest in his DD.
She is a nasty mother and MIL.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 12:07:27

She is a bully....I always knew that..but it's taken this for DH to be to see what she is really like..

He's pretty upset bless him..

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 14-Apr-13 12:13:48

I think in your MIL's day weddings were more about hosting a family get together, but times have changed and now many people prefer to do it their way and make it smaller. So it's a bit of a generational difference thing. Could you explain that to her?

Ashoething Sun 14-Apr-13 12:15:39

Well done! I wish I had stuck up for myself with mil when we got married. We also had very small wedding with just meal after but because they were paying for meal they chose whom to invite meaning we had to leave people out-including my dsis dp!

Hopefully she will calm down,realise she has been an srse and proper an olive branch. Enjoy your wedding!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 12:16:28

I tried to explain that to her.

Her reply was that she didn't have the wedding she wanted because she appreciated and realised that the day wasn't all about what she wanted, so she had loads of her inlaws family there and not so many of her own. Also all children were invited because weddings are 'all about children'

Basically, she is never going to agree with how we want it!

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 14-Apr-13 12:17:48

I think it is sometimes difficult for people to leave small babies or children at home for various reasons, so people may not be able to come if they can't bring their baby, but it's your wedding and your choice.

Ashoething Sun 14-Apr-13 12:18:55

If I had my way again I would have no children at wedding! We only had our nieces but had to invite the other set of gp's-sil parents who I hardly know!-at the insistence of inlaws!

Its your wedding so its your way-end of. Stick to your guns.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 12:19:39

Fudge Father of baby has not been invited (at MIL's request!!!) so baby would have childcare, and that wouldn't be an issue.

badguider Sun 14-Apr-13 12:19:56

Does the not inviting of your nephew mean that one if your dh's siblings and partner can't come? IMO that would be the only issue if have with not allowing babies of very close family.

badguider Sun 14-Apr-13 12:21:15

X-posts.

So nephew is son of dh's sister? Is she separated from the baby's father?

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:22:44

Oh, how I love a crazy MIL thread! Weddings just bring out the absolute best worst in a truly nutty MIL. The confusion as she realises that she is not marrying her son, the real sense that she should be the centre of attention but the bride will always get in the way... I remember it all so well (was four years ago). Some highlights:

1. Nagged me doggedly about having "canapés". To get the full effect, you must pronounce this loudly and with an Irish accent. "Carnapaays!"
2. Insisted inviting her friends until there were twenty people at my wedding that I had never met. Also one woman who I actively dislike because she was unpleasant to my (deceased) DM!
3. Repeatedly requested that FIL be able to sample and approve the wine that was going to be on the table, because he is a "wine expert". (middle class drunk).
4. Asked me again and again when she was going to be "walking down the aisle". I was totally baffled by this and ignored her. It eventually transpired that she had been to some wedding in America at which the mother of the bride and mother of the groom had both been escorted down the aisle before the arrival of the bride. Sorry, Love!
5. Wore a made-to-measure number (floor length, full-skirted!) which cost twice as much as my nice off the peg wedding dress. When I told my DF this after the event, he said, "What? That frumpy thing?" Thanks, Dad!
6. Was horrified that I expected her friends and family to drink the toast with fizzy wine. Cue many, many repetitions of "Nor, nor, nor ... it moost be Champaaaane! CHAAAMPAAANE!" Every day. For weeks. My friends still shout "Champagne!?" at me if I ever give them sparkling wine.
7. Made me put a great deal of effort into working out the logistics of getting one ancient, wheelchair bound auntie into a medieval church. Again, I had never met this woman, but fair enough, the whole event should clearly be disability friendly. The old dear backed out at the last minute and I have still never met her.

OP, I tried to deal with this without offending her, but give a crazy MIL an inch and she will take a mile. My wedding day turned into something rather different from what I had planned and I'm still bitter about it, as you may have guessed! I wish I'd simply stayed away from her and told her that I wasn't going to discuss arrangements with her - that I wanted it all to be a surprise, or something. I didn't know her well enough at the time to politely but firmly tell her that she was a guest pretty much like any other and she wasn't going to have any editorial control!

OP, you have done the right thing! I bow down to you! KEEP IT UP!

PS Her own daughter is getting married next year. Let the craziness commence!

HellesBelles396 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:24:20

Obviously you understand her strength of feeling.

You would never put her in a situation that would cause her pain.

So you completely understand why she won't be at the wedding.

jacks365 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:25:41

She does sound nasty and mean and this argument sounds a long time coming however i'm also of the opinion that child free weddings mean child free. I'd be annoyed if i went to a child free wedding to discover that the bride and groom had their own children there especially if i was family my attitude is one rule for all.

My mil has never met her youngest granddaughter because she could never be bothered to make an effort and I gave up trying to bend over backwards to accommodate her, result is my life has been far less stressful.

Best wishes for your wedding day.

Ashoething Sun 14-Apr-13 12:27:59

HA HA! I also had the whole champagne thing with my mil! It was the one thing I opposed her about-she wanted my mum to pay for it. She was not happy and I know she tells everyone to this day that she and fil payed for entire wedding!

Total bollocks!-they paid for the meal and for dh and bil suits. My mum paid for my dress,all accessories,bridesmaid dresses and accessories,hair and make up for all,cars and bought a couple of rounds of drinks too.

Please keep us updated op-this has the makings of a classic threadgrin

DeckSwabber Sun 14-Apr-13 12:28:30

Well... she does sound OTT but I think if nephew is a baby you could allow the mother to choose whether to bring him. I think I might be upset if I couldn't bring my small baby with me, especially as your baby is there as well.

Just my opinion (never been married).

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:29:51

Yanbu she sounds horrid. The most upsetting thing is tat se sees her grandson as her world and is not keen on her grandaughter. She has cancelled seeing her since Christmas because of her childish ways. If the situation was reversed would she defend your dd like she is her grandson, don't think so. I would rather not have a nasty person like tat at my wedding. Goidness on you she has to be told

GemmaTeller Sun 14-Apr-13 12:32:49

As a MIL to be later this year all I can say is , wow!
well done to you standing your ground.

We have given DS and wife to be a lump sum to spend how they wish on the wedding and are going along with whatever they decide to do/ whoever they decide to invite - its their day after all.

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 12:34:41

It does sound odd to me to not invite a nephew.

My sister backed out of my wedding a couple of days before-meaning that only GC also didn't come.

Mum was devastated.

(Didn't see said GC that often as abroad).

Well I wasn't exactly thrilled-sister decided to prioritise work!!

But somehow mum made it all about her not seeing her GC!!

HappySeven Sun 14-Apr-13 12:34:53

I'm not a MIL (but may be one one day and hope to be better at it than yours!) but to provide some possible insight, years ago the wedding wasn't for the bridal couple to invite their friends to.

As your parents paid they got to choose the guests and this was accepted as when your own children married you could choose the guest list. Your MIL obviously was a bride who didn't get to choose her own guests and now isn't allowed to have a say again. I'm not saying she's right in how she's acting but it might explain why she's upset a little.

SantanaLopez Sun 14-Apr-13 12:36:56

I think you sound horrid. There is already a child going, it wouldn't hurt at all to have another. Why start a family feud over something so petty?

hm32 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:39:34

I think her reaction is totally OTT. If the baby is very small and bf though I seriously doubt that its mum will choose to leave it, so you are in effect inviting but not inviting the mum (who I presume is DH to be's sister?).

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:41:06

sorry, back up, is the baby's father still in a relationship with DP's sister? And he's not invited? If I was invited with DH to a family wedding, I'd refuse to go. (If they are separated, that's a different issue alltogether).

If they are together, then you need to invite him too. That's so rude! The baby is a different issue, personally I'd say yes to babes in arms normally, but it's your wedding and if you are having a very very small meal and your child will sleep through it but the DN not do, then it might not be appropriate to have them there.

I'd say if your MIL strops up and doesn't come it wouldn't be a bad thing all round.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 12:43:45

No, nephew is son of DH's sister (who he doesn't get on with, but is inviting to keep the peace lol) and said sister's husband isn't invited because of a long running feud with the MIL and FIL.

Sister and the husband are very much together.

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Apr-13 12:45:20

SantanaLopez - you're joking, right?

I'm a MiL and the OP's is as nutty as a fruitcake with a fair topping of malice by the sounds of it.

It's a shame that in her day you didn't always have the wedding the way you wanted it, but I bet she's not paying for any of the OP's.

Part of 'her world' should be her DGD. Clearly, she isn't.

Stick to your guns OP, but support your soon-to-be DH as he will be the one bearing the brunt, probably.

Is there a FiL and what does your SiL think?

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:45:30

It's only one more and a little baby at tat who may be breastfeed so I would in your situation invite the nephew (not mil), you don't have to have t whole town and their Chidren coming. It's only one little baby. I am appealled at you mil treatment of your dd, tat would hurt te most

SantanaLopez Sun 14-Apr-13 12:46:52

I wasn't originally joking but the OP posting after me has made me change my mind!

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:47:20

Op it's not your nephews fault, you cannot not invite ephew because of how your mil will behave, your last post does sound very childish. Instead I would pull her up fac to face on how she treats her grandaughter

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:47:48

So have you and DH fallen out with his sisters DH? Sorry but that's so wrong - that's where you should be standing your ground.

I would say you call your DH's sister, invite her DH too and say that you'd like it to be child free except for your DD, but if they can't find childcare, then they can bring DN.

It sounds like your DH will never be the centre of attention for MIL so give up on that one, hopefully you will piss her off so much with inviting DH's BIL she won't come and solve that problem.

I wish more parents realised that by playing favorites, what they end up doing is runing the relationship between the siblings and their families.

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:49:29

I would invite te whole fami and sod mil and fil

Yanbu, and congratulations thanks
Never give narcs an inch, you doing the right thing.

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:50:57

Ignore previous poster who says you "sound horrid"! That is ridiculous! It's YOUR wedding, if you want to invite only old school friends and give it a "Vicars and Tarts" theme, that is up to you! Anyone who disapproves can demonstrate by not coming.

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 12:55:11

The trouble is, many women have had to put up with "how it is" when they were younger, but now want "payback". (This applies to men as well, obv.)

Others, while regretting that they didn't have everything their way when they were younger, are now champions of those who do, as they can see that just because life wasn't fair to them doesn't mean it can't be fairer to others.

My DM had loads of people she didn't know at her wedding, but she was really supportive of the choices that (the so far, four of) her children who have married have made.

MIL, on the other hand, didn't speak to us for 6 months after we got married in Las Vegas.

(But my DM is weird in other ways.)

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:55:29

please please please tell MIL that it's a Vicars and Tarts theme! wink

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 12:57:33

But, TBH, how rude not to invite your BIL! What does SIL think of that? I'd be fuming far more about that than my child not being invited.

Keep firm , my MIL boycotted our wedding as BIL wasn't going to be on the top table. He'd had to be replaced as Best Man as he wouldn't come to the stag do, wear a suit, make a speech, FFS there was only 20 guests in the day.

On the plus side we had 18 months of peace, until DD was born, and then she decided she did want to communicate with us again. She's not been as bad since; I think she realised we could cope quite happily without her.

I did this with MIL over wedding, child rearing in the early stages and Christmas cards (I hate them)
We get on brilliantly. Sometimes you need to demand respect and not cave in. Helps if DH is on board, though wink

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 13:01:56

"One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)"

Really??

That's awful-your husband is jealous of the attention his mum gives a baby??

TBH, if a man I was about to marry said that, I'd call it off!!

Jan49 Sun 14-Apr-13 13:01:57

Well I'm not a MIL but I'm quite old. I think older generations expected their children to marry one day and expected a big event, so if you have a small wedding or none, they may feel deprived of it.

But good for you, OP, for doing what you both want, not giving in to MIL.

Flobbadobs Sun 14-Apr-13 13:04:06

One word.
elope
My MIL tried to take over our wedding, had an opinion on everything to the extent that I stopped talking to her about anything, didn't make a difference though!
Even on the day itself the vicar had to have a stern word as she refused to go inside the chirch until she had been the first person to see me...
If we could do it again we both have said we would get hold of the first 2 people we knew and just do it, bugger the consequences and have a big party for everyone afterwards!

Heinz55 Sun 14-Apr-13 13:06:52

I've just been to a wedding where mostly friends not (extended) family were invited. I had and have the utmost respect for the bride for sticking to her guns and getting the day SHE wanted and not what her MIL, her own parents and her guests wanted. What resulted was a very relaxed, happy day that was focused on the B and G and possibly the loviest wedding I have ever been to. (fwiw she did have to capitulate on a couple of baby guests but 99% of the day was exactly as she wanted - hats off to her!)

BlueberryHill Sun 14-Apr-13 13:08:37

It was canapies for me too, I still hate them.

Good luck, BTW, child free is fine and I would have no problems if the bride and groom had theirs there, you need to draw a line somewhere

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 13:10:10

We also had who we wanted-we were paying!

There were a few young children/babies there-who were absolutely fussed over-'twas lovely tbh.

I was still the one in the big dress who had got married & was the focus of the pics!

digerd Sun 14-Apr-13 13:23:28

OP did not ban BIL from the wedding, it was MIL who insisted he not come as MIL and FIL don't speak to him and don't want him there.

OP and DH <to be> obeyed on this demand from MIL.

edam Sun 14-Apr-13 13:29:37

I'm not usually terribly keen on child-free weddings - think it's a bit miserable mostly - BUT your description of a low-key, short church wedding with a short civilised meal seems appropriate for no kids. It's not a big do with a huge crowd.

I do wonder what your MIL would post if she was on MN... bet she'd get loads of replies telling her SWBU. Even if she posted on Gransnet!

Flappingandflying Sun 14-Apr-13 13:30:05

I would invite nephew and the sister's husband. That way if DN is sqwaking there is enough of then to take him out. I am quite shocked at not inviting a partner at MIL request unless there was something criminal involved. Ithink your husband needs to be firm with mum and tell her how disappointed you are in her attitude to your daughter and you expect both children to be treated fairly. She either accepts that she puts up with her son inlaw at the do or if she can't then that's her choice not to be there. Whatever happened to people showing restraint, social nicities and mutual respect whatever your personal likes and dislikes.

In your mad MILs defence it is more common for the woman's mother to be closer to the uprearing etc of a daughter's children. If you are mother of son's its more difficult to get involved without seeming that you are interfering or suggesting stuff. I think your paetner needs to tell her in foot high capital letters about why you made the decision and actually it stems from her behaviour. She will either have a massive huff or consider and change her ways by moderating her behaviour.
Have a happy day

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 13:31:19

It sounds like your DH has always been second best with his mother. My DH had this all his life, as well. He is an only child, but was always compared unfavourably to his cousins.

Your DH to be needs to understand that this will always be the case, even if DNephew is not around. She uses this as a tactic to keep him under her thumb, constantly seeking her approval. He will never get it.

So, while I respect your decision to have a child free wedding - that's entirely your choice - just failing to invite DNephew is not going to give your DH the attention that he has always missed out on from his mother.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 14-Apr-13 13:32:23

gail that sounds all kinds of crazy- poor you!

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 13:41:11

actually, agree with SanityClause - your MIL will still make the wedding all about her DD and her DGS, it will be lots of loud "oh DD, isn't it terrible your DS isn't here? It's so awful of DS not to invite him." instead of parading her grandson around the relatives, she'll spend the day loudly bending their ear about how heart broken she is that he's not there and how she'll never forgive you. It will still be all about her relationship with DN.

I really, really think the best way to take the wind out of hear sails is to invite your SIL's whole family, her DH and DS as well as her.

It's not fair that your MIL gets to decide that you won't have a relationship with your BIL.

ArtemisatBrauron Sun 14-Apr-13 13:42:09

I think it's a bit ridiculous to say that they should allow all children just because their own child is there - of course their own child is going to be there and in no way does that oblige them to invite other people's children!

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 14-Apr-13 13:47:14

I think she has a slightly ott way of expressing her disappointment that your wedding is not going to be a family occasion, which she probably took for granted a wee bit.

She is upset, and so are you. It would be lovely if you can find a way round this, rather than drive a wedge between you. Please try and talk to her when you are both calmer.

exoticfruits Sun 14-Apr-13 13:52:29

As a possible future MIL I would only be too pleased if they had a small, quiet wedding! Just calmly stand your ground.

HollyBerryBush Sun 14-Apr-13 13:54:17

Can I just say it all sounds peculiar to me!

You've invited DHs sister, but DH doesn't get on with her, but not invited her husband because MIL doesn't like him?

Aunty wants to bring a child and not her husband - which begs the question how the invitations were addressed

All I can say is, do come back and tell us what Christmas is like in your house grin.

Although reading up and through replies, all I'm seeing is I I I about bride - doesn't appear to be much in the way of we or our amongst wedding days.

badguider Sun 14-Apr-13 13:58:53

Actually nobody has said whether SIL wants to bring her baby. It's mil who wants him there maybe SIL is happy to leave him with his dad.

OrangeLily Sun 14-Apr-13 14:02:56

I do understand where you are coming from and the majority of children were excluded from our wedding bar one bridesmaid and a tiny baby (both close family). Thankfully no-one else who was close had small children.

However, having been in the receiving end of this kind of treatment it's very hard and upsetting. Rightly or wrongly it does create a divide where you have drawn a line. I can see why MIL is upset and I think it would be possible for you to try to understand if you have your own baby.

However, Congratulations. Hope you have a happy marriage.

WireCatWhore Sun 14-Apr-13 14:07:07

Why doesn't she get on with your nephews father?

Alwaysreadingonthetrain Sun 14-Apr-13 14:10:22

I'm a MIL, and it seems to me that MILS have a very rough time on MN. They can't do or say anything that's acceptable. They must feel that they're walking on eggshells all the time with their son's partner, who'll be watching to find fault with everything. I always think if it was the complaining OPs mother who behaved similarly it would be seen in a different light. Maybe remember that if it wasn't for the MIL you wouldn't have your husband/bf.

DeckSwabber Sun 14-Apr-13 14:13:12

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

I'm sorry but that is not a good reason not to invite your nephew. He's your nephew, and you child's cousin. Weddings are fab for bringing people together, but by not inviting him you are at risk of driving a wedge between members your family and that sort of damage is not easily undone.

So what if MiL shows him off? Its still your day. As another poster has said, you run more risk of ruining the day if you give you MiL ammunition to go round saying you excluded nephew. And if you invite BiL you will have shown you are not giving in to anyone.

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 14-Apr-13 14:16:41

My problem with all this is not so much that you want to do your own thing and feel that Mil just has to accept your slightly unconventional wedding plans, but that you seem arsey that she is upset/disappointed. Surely you can see why she might be?

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Apr-13 14:32:06

Under the circumstances OP i am really surprised you have agreed to not invite your BIL to be.

(meaning your fiance's sister's husband)

What a perfect opportunity to piss off your MIL show that this is your day, not her's. I would have thought that inviting him would have been a better way to show this than dig your heels in over the nephew thing.

With regards to the nephew being left out of the day ... you said he would have adequate care as his father wasn't going to the wedding. He cant be EBF then ..... just thinking.

If letting ''just one baby'' to the wedding is going to make things a bit tricky about other uninvited children turning up then it's not that simple and it isn't 'just one baby'' anymore.

I had babies in arms and young children at my TINY wedding, and quite honestly i was so wrapped up in DH and our own happy bubble that i honestly can't remember if they behaved, where they were half the time, who showed them off, who did the care for them or how much attention they took up or anything. I drifted about in my lovely dress with my lovely new DH in a hazy of gringringrin

And that's how it will be for you too hopefully flowers

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 14:35:51

Babies don't enjoy weddings, won't remember them and frequently make a right pain of themselves (crying through the vows, squealing, playing in the aisle - seen it all). Just saying. New parents think everyone wants to get a look at the golden child. They don't. To the childless, all babies pretty much look the same. They're saying, "How cute!" They're thinking, "You used to be fun. Now you think everyone is as obsessed with your infant as you are."

Cerisier Sun 14-Apr-13 14:48:40

My view is that whoever is paying gets a bit of a say ie has the right to negotiate with the B&G over guests.

If the B&G are paying for everything then the whole thing is down to them.

So who is paying OP?

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 14:56:58

I've already suggested my DD as my SIL's flower girl. I said that she might not be steady enough on her little toddler feet to make it down the aisle, so the bride might consider carrying her down the aisle, instead of a bouquet? Or maybe she could just push her in the buggy? The look on her face as she tried to work out if I was serious was priceless.

thegreylady Sun 14-Apr-13 15:06:28

I would invite the child if he is a baby if only because that would shut your mil up and stop her from ruining your day.If she is parading round with her dgs then she isn't badgering you.
That is,however, the only concession I would make [unless you invite baby's dad too and let mil decide to stay away].
I am a mil and never thought my son's wedding was about me at all.I was asked for a list of 30 people I would like to invite and bride's dm got the same.Then ds and ddil had 40 invites for friends and colleagues.It worked out fine.

toffeelolly Sun 14-Apr-13 15:09:41

Well done and well said your wedding your say , do it your way and do not let her spoil it for you. By the way i had something of the same problem and that's why we went abroad to get married.

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 14-Apr-13 15:36:43

Good point Cerisier. He who pays the piper calls the tune. I assume your inlaws aren't contributing to the costs of the wedding OP? Perhaps your MIL's wedding was paid for by her parents?

WaitingForStatement Sun 14-Apr-13 15:39:45

If I got a DIL who wanted a small do I would be relieved! I'd much rather give a chunk of cash towards a house. Lol I will probably get a dil who wants to be a princess and I will be a big fat disappointment when I am useless at helping with the arrangements. I think maybe a teeny bit mean not to let the baby there, yes she will parade him but I think maybe you will make yourself look a bit in the wrong. A tent baby won't take the attention from you the booze will do that Maybe lighten up a little bit, even is she is a bit bonkers!

WaitingForStatement Sun 14-Apr-13 15:41:04

Teeny baby not tent baby!

MimiSunshine Sun 14-Apr-13 16:25:25

Weddings are not "all about family" some are but only if that's the kind of wedding you want. Essentially you're signing a contract and celebrating it.

You can therefore bloody well have the wedding you want. 100s of kids dancing in the aisles, or none at all. As for the poster who said they'd be annoyed if their children weren't invited but the B&Gs were? Seriously, your child is not of equal status as theirs at THEIR wedding.

OP if I were you, I'd caw back some control over the invite list and tell MIL that on reflection, you've both decided to invite nephew and BIL, because she's right, family is important and they are a family (try not to cackle evilly when you do). What can she possibly say to that?

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 16:29:21

Right. Will try and answer some questions raised grin

DH and I are paying for half of the wedding - my folks are paying for the other half.

Nephew is a baby, but not a young baby (11 months?) I've only met him the once - quite a cute little thing actually. My reason for not wanting him there is not about him. I just simply want a child free afternoon! (apart from my own!) My own goddaughter isn't invited but her parents are, and if anything, I would have expected them to have an issue, but they simply said they were looking forward to an afternoon without the kids! (especially as it is only 4-5 hrs)

DH thinks child free is great. The comment about the focus being on him, was more as a response to MIL kicking off and saying that nephew was her world, and DH saying well surely I should be your world on my wedding day. As in, surely for just one afternoon, MIL can give her own son some attention.

Also, MIL has paid no attention at all to our baby DD since she was born, so I though it would be nice if DD is only baby there and MIL can actually lavish some time and attention on her for a change?

BIL is not invited ...a. because MIL and FIL don't speak to him and don't accept him as part of their family. Something to do with some kind of dodgy activity but not sure what!
b. because DH hates him (again, something to do with above but not sure of all the ins and outs!)

I have never met BIL. When sister goes to Mil's house, BIL is not welcome.

It's a very small do - we have split the list 3 ways, some for my family, some for MIL's family, some for our friends. When DH asked for addresses to send the invites to MIL's side she kicked off and said she disagreed with who he wanted to invite.

So DH changed the guest list on that side to keep MIL happy. There are some odd invites - as in, an aunty and a daughter, but not the uncle.

Invites were addressed to Mr and Mrs So and So. They were quite clear (I thought) about who the invited person/persons were.

I totally take the points though about letting nephew come to keep MIL happy.

I just feel aggrieved on DH's behalf that on the one big day in his life she is adamant she won't be happy there unless her grandson is in her arms. Surely she should be wanting to focus her attention on her own son for once? Surely she can do without her grandson for 4-5 hours?!

Oh. Whole family dynamics on DH's side is drama drama drama!!

Anyways. She's now made things perfectly clear that her focus is her grandson as she's thrown the rattle out of the cot and refused to come to see her granddaughter (my DD) this weekend out of protest!!!!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 16:36:47

Gail 734 - Babies don't enjoy weddings, won't remember them and frequently make a right pain of themselves (crying through the vows, squealing, playing in the aisle - seen it all)

This was precisely why we wanted child free.

We both agreed that whilst we'd probably find it endearing if 10month old DD did this, we certainly wouldn't find it endearing off another child!

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 16:38:04

I do think its a bit mean not to invite your nephew - sorry but I do. Its entirely up to you but you are in my opinion storing up a lot of future resentment with your sil if you do the 'we want the attention on our child' thing.

But its your wedding so you get to make the choices - hope it goes well and you manage to smooth things over with your mil.

Am assuming there's a big complicated back story with the talk of fueds etc.

Fleecyslippers Sun 14-Apr-13 16:40:32

I think that the whole thing sounds like a nightmare -and I have graduated from the irrational MIL school with honours grin
I do think however that excluding baby nephew is mean - especially if he and DD are the only 2 grand children ?

His presence will mean that MIL will be engrossed in him and less likely to cause more chaos. I think it's very much a case of picking your battles.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 16:40:45

Feuds not fueds smile

Oh I do think its a bit mean to have your own 10 month old there but not your 11 month old nephew but then I have a great relationship with my sister and my nephews and nieces so probably a very different scenario.

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 16:47:51

I think you need to get DH to explain fully why he won't invite BIL, because that's really, really rude. And if you are going to marry into this nightmare clan family, you should know the reasons certain people are excluded. If it's something you would think nothing off, then you have to question how easily it would be for you to be cut out too.

Are you the one who's MIL wanted to control the sending of the invites out too and wouldn't give you addresses? Were you able to get them out without her?

There's a point when I'd say enough - stick to your guns and MIL refuses to go,all the better.

ArtemisatBrauron Sun 14-Apr-13 16:48:00

If you invite baby nephew then the floodgates may open - others will then expect to bring their children too. Child free is child free - I don't think it's mean at all!
Bride and Groom bringing their children entirely different, it's their day.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 16:50:56

I've been to several child free weddings but it hasn't applied to nephews and nieces.

But it all sounds very odd with the not invited BIL - I mean if I was the SIL there's no way I'd go to a wedding where I had to leave my baby in case he got any attention and my husband behind. That would really be very very odd.

God people on here get upset all the time if their partners aren't invited to stuff.

deliakate Sun 14-Apr-13 16:54:20

Do you mind me asking whether you guys are religious? Because on a slightly side note, church weddings were supposedly instituted of God for the procreation of children, and I always find it a bit odd when people having a church wedding say they don't want any there. Crying babies, crying mils it's all part of the fun to me!

Doubtfuldaphne Sun 14-Apr-13 16:54:27

In my experience, weddings bring out the worst in families. They see it as an occasion to see all their family and mils expect to have a say.
Doesn't mean they should!
We were faced with mil wanting extra friends of hers and offering to pay the extra. Whereas my parents wanted extra family too but couldn't afford to pay the extra for them.. The wedding was completely one sided! All of my dh's family and hardly any from mine..
You are doing the best thing you can do by standing up to her. It'll show that in future you won't be walked all over. The same controlling traits will probably raise its head again but she knows how you will deal with it now which is great!
It's your day not hers - hopefully she will back down and realise she is not the boss of you.

Well, if MIL is not coming a space has opened up for you to invite SIL's DH ...

ParadiseChick Sun 14-Apr-13 16:57:21

You and your husband to be sound very, very petty and jealous of the attention a baby gets! How lame.

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Apr-13 17:13:35

<wonders if some people are reading the same thread as everyone else>

It's the OP and her partner's wedding day. They are entitled to have the day they want. They have already made more concessions than perhaps they should.

I like children at weddings, but it's nothing to do with me or the MiL. It's up to them.

But I would like to know what FiL has to say about it all...

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 17:16:38

hmm Said it before, it's not about the baby!

We'd like a lovely adult afternoon, with the only fuss coming from our own daughter. It's not a big traditional style wedding. Just a quiet meal with some good friends after the ceremony.

I do think having our daughter there is slightly different to having other people's there.

don't mind Yes, that's the one. It took 3 weeks and 9 phone calls before she finally gave them to me. Best bit. She insisted that a sister of hers was invited. Sister hasn't bothered to rsvp (which my mum is a little hmm about and has simply sent message via MIL to say they're not coming. After all that fuss.....

And yes..big complicated backstory of feuds.

SIL is probably surprised she is even invited. I've only met her twice and as I said, DH doesn't get on with her. DH told her straight when we got engaged that her husband wouldn't be invited. So honestly, sounds awful, but if nephew not invited means sil doesn't come, that would actually please DH so thus please me? I wouldn't be bothered either way really, I don't know her and it wouldn't make a difference whether she was there or not iykwim.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 17:17:21

Of course its their day but if you make decisions like baby nephews and bil not being invited - not unexpected that some people may be pissed off.

Personally if I was SIL I'd just not come.

And if I was the OP I'd want to know why BIL is so excluded in case that happned to me one day.

And for me it was the wanting attention on the OP's DH and their baby rather than the nephew that just seemed rather odd but probably tells a lot about the general family dynamics.

And God I hate this 'its their day' thing its up their with 'my house my rules' in being so ungracious and lacking in being a kind and thoughtful host but I realise I am in the minority on here in thinking that.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 17:19:55

Wish - I think it all sounds very very complicated - and I do really hope that your MIL doesn't ruin your wedding.

The invitations things sounds umm mad.

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 14-Apr-13 17:21:36

I also think its bizarre that you are marrying in to this family without knowing the backstory to this enormous family rift.

Chucksteak Sun 14-Apr-13 17:25:23

I have the Mil from hell. Our wedding became such a battleground arguing over who was on the guest list, children/babies, in-laws, out-laws, the venue, the bridesmaids, the flowers, the canapés, the champagne, the dress (!), the band/disco - every fecking thing.

After one final spectacular row when my Mil called my DH a selfish bastard because he had the audacity to ask me if it was a good idea to have a joint stag/hen do (to save some cash - the wedding was heading towards £20,000 of our money at this point), DH pulled the plug on the entire wedding.

After the dust settled, we left work early one day, went to the registry office, grabbed two strangers off the street as witnesses and got married. We had a wedding supper at a hotel. It was lovely. Everyone was pissed off with us, but we couldn't care less.

It's your wedding - do what YOU want - to hell with what anyone else thinks! smile

ParadiseChick Sun 14-Apr-13 17:27:15

We're not talking about some random child, it's your nephew and not inviting him is obviously causing upset.

But as long as your dh2b and dd are centre of attention that's all that matters hmm

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 17:28:02

I do know the majority of the background as to why BIL is excluded..just don't want to out myself on here!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 17:28:33

chuck that sounds FAB.

MimiSunshine Sun 14-Apr-13 17:32:35

MrsCampbell but you can be a kind and thoughtful host without inviting a bunch of people you don't actually want to celebrate your marriage with.

It doesn't sound like OP needs to worry about her DH cutting her out in the same way as BIL unless she's thinking of taking part in some "dodgy activity".
Stick to your guns OP, you don't have to invite people you barely know (or like) just because their faamily <said in my best Peggy Mitchell voice> even if they're just a baby and especially if your goddaughter isn't invited either

ilovecolinfirth Sun 14-Apr-13 17:35:16

She does sound a real pain and is obviously very rude. However, I do think it can be difficult to not invite nephews and nieces. When my br

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 17:36:20

I think having read your previous thread, then you have every right to hold the line on this one, personally I'd have got stroppy earlier, but then that's me.

i think she needs to be told, she's lucky she's getting an invite at this rate. If she decides not to come, fine.

sometimes, it takes something big like a wedding or having a DC for you to see how much everyone panders to a certain person in a family and how they aren't being flexible back ever. If she's refusing to have anything to do with your DD, then I'd consider how important you want her to be in your life and your wedding - someone who has not seen her own grandchild (dispite living relatively close and having offers to visit) since Christmas is not someone who gets to decide they are "close family" - she's close on the family tree, but in reality, she's a stranger to her DGD and not someone you have in your day to day life. She therefore doesn't get her feelings taken into consideration above yours.

ParadiseChick Sun 14-Apr-13 17:37:11

Stick to your guns by all means, just be prepared to be marked as the attention seeking diva who didn't want her nephew at the wedding in case he stole the limelight.

Your mil was probably looking forward to a day with all her offspring and grandchildren together and some nice snaps but is now upset there's going to be someone obviously very important to her missing and it so t go unnoticed. Salvagable? Unless you change your mind I'd say no.

ilovecolinfirth Sun 14-Apr-13 17:37:39

When my brother got married future SIL said no children and was slightly funny when she found out we were expecting. We put no pressure on her but fortunately she changed her mind. I would have had to have missed my brothers wedding otherwise as my son was 3 months old and refusing a bottle.

ParadiseChick Sun 14-Apr-13 17:38:35

*isn't going to go unnoticed

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 17:46:27

Sunshine - in a 'normal' family I think a nephew would be invited but you know so would a bil. Great aunt whoever who you never see I get not inviting but immediate family - well I don't think its normal not to invite them really.

But I think there is a lot more to the 'feud' that OP has mentioned so I'm not going to judge why BIL isn't invited. And sounds like its not exactly a close family and there's a lot of resentment and jealousy between the OP's DH and his sister.

Hugglepuff Sun 14-Apr-13 17:47:17

Wish I had had more guts to stand up to my MIL. My DH and I got married 14 years ago - really lovely wedding although probably did not know about 1/4 of the guests who were MIL's cousins two and three times removed - haven't seen them since . Although one did send the most original wedding present - a welcome to Benidorm tea towel and tray !

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 14-Apr-13 17:49:36

I do think its very sad when there's so much competition over attention with regards to gc. I know my mil feels she can't ever really mention my dc's to my sil/bil as they want all her attention on their dc's when she's with them.

onedev Sun 14-Apr-13 18:00:17

Are you sure you want to marry into this family? It all sounds horrendous & your future DH would definitely need to be worth it to put up with that kind of lifetime misery! Good luck.

Pitmountainpony Sun 14-Apr-13 18:09:12

Gail734-I don't think new parents think everyone wants to see their golden child- just the more narcissistic parents-it is often tricky finding appropriate child care when the wedding is a way from home or you don't have family to step in- more expense on top of the expense of attending the wedding, but more that you may not feel confident leaving your child with an unknown child minder that may be the only option.
But I agree weddings are not the place for small children and i think it totally reasonable to not invite beyond babes in arms-frankly I am grateful when that invite arrives saying no kids because weddings are such a big expense and of course some might say the bride wants everyone to look at the golden bride and of course for us it is just another wedding, however much we may be pleased for the couple.......it is their one special day, but for guests, another wedding.
I think even kids birthday parties are a bit like this now too-big deal for parents but just another one for guests.

At our low key 30 guest wedding we did not invite the three kids of one couple but they responded that they would all be coming, missed the entire ceremony and made it for the meal. We just sucked it up for the sake of family harmony.
I would let the other baby come if it is a small baby.

digerd Sun 14-Apr-13 18:09:48

My sis was similar. She had 2 boys, a DH and several BIL.
But it was our only DB she was determined to involve with her DSs.

She booked holidays with DB and SIL, and told me how furious she was when their older DD also came on holiday with them, as " it would be all about her niece and her boys wouldn't get a look in with DB" quote her words to me!?
I said, but of course she is their DD, but she didn't want her there to take the attention of DB away from her sons. That is being unreasonable.

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 18:10:57

Chucksteak You are my hero. Please tell us how your crazy MIL wanted to influence your dress choice! It's the only aspect of my wedding that my bonkers MIL didn't dare approach!

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 14-Apr-13 18:11:08

I think it's odd to exclude the 11 month old nephew because you don't want him to take attention away from you and your dc. Of course it's your day, but if how you want to arrange it is going to upset close family I don't see how it's going to be enjoyable for you. Perhaps just go off the registry office on your own instead?

cheeseandpineapple Sun 14-Apr-13 18:11:41

Congrats OP,shame about all the politics.

Whilst you and your DH to be seem to be aligned, tread carefully how you communicate with DH's mum. It's one thing for him to be firm and alienate her but for sake of long term relationships, would try and keep moral high ground with your MIL, keep all communications as civil as you can and just refer her to your DH if need be and make clear these are joint decisions and best she follows up with him rather than you risk falling out with her further and being villain of the piece.

No matter what, am sure you will have an amazing day. When I watch back our DVD of our ceremony, I hadn't realised how many kids were squaking during the ceremony and a mobile phone went off but I was oblivious to it all and was completely focused on my DH and no matter what was happening in the background, felt like it was all about me and DH. No kid, despite the millions who seemed to come along, stole our thunder!

There were times during the planning we thought about eloping but on the day itself, it was just magic. Hope it is for you too, no matter what.

fluffiphlox Sun 14-Apr-13 18:13:48

I am not a MIL (or even a M) but old enough to be. As I understand it, your wedding is yours and nobody else's. Ignore, don't mollify her, just get on with it. She's bonkers.

sherazade Sun 14-Apr-13 18:22:27

you had my deepest sympathies until I read this:

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

KitchenandJumble Sun 14-Apr-13 18:28:17

Threads like this make me profoundly grateful that DH and I opted for the equivalent of a registry office wedding. So much angst and drama seem to surround traditional weddings. It's definitely not for me.

I think the whole situation sounds a bit odd here. In your place, I would go ahead and invite the nephew. It does seem mean to allow your own child but not a close relative of the same age. Also I'm somewhat taken aback by your partner's desire to be the centre of attention. Really?

TBH, if I were the SIL, I would politely decline the invitation if my DH and DS were not invited. How on earth does she put up with this family situation, where her own husband is not welcome to visit her parents or attend family events?

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 18:48:03

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

I really didn't phrase this very well at all hmm

The bit about DH thinking her focus should be on him for a change was a comment made in verbal response to a nasty text from her saying that she was outraged nephew wasn't invited because he was her world and she wouldn't enjoy the day unless he was there too.

DH felt at that point that it was a weird thing to say - your only son is getting married yet as a mother you can't enjoy it because your grandson isn't there? Surely a mother can totally enjoy watching her son getting married without the baby son of her daughter in her arms?

Incidentally, as we have a baby, I asked my mum how she would feel if my DD wasn't invited to my brother's wedding, and she said a. she wouldn't presume my DD was invited and b. if that's what the couple wanted, then it's only for a few hours, that's fine.

I also kind of asked myself would I presume that my DD would be invited to my brother's wedding- and honestly I can say that, no, I would not presume she would be invited at all.

Having said all that..I do understand that she's upset he's not invited. However, given all the background (too long and complicated to go into on here, but lets just say, she has form) her reaction has simply told DH that he's not important to her, and that she prioritises nephew over the feelings over her own son.

Given nephew is far too young to have any feelings whatsoever about being at the wedding or not, does seem bizarre..no?

And there is no child care issue here - as mentioned earlier in thread. I wouldn't invite a SIL and BIL and not their baby - that would be weird because of course, who would look after the baby? But in this instance, Dad is there to look after the baby?

poglol Sun 14-Apr-13 18:51:06

It's your wedding and your choice. This is true of course. However you are going to be related to your MIL for a long time. Pick your battles.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 18:51:47

paradisechick

Your mil was probably looking forward to a day with all her offspring and grandchildren together and some nice snaps but is now upset there's going to be someone obviously very important to her missing and it so t go unnoticed.

Agree, agree..but here's the kicker. For her own daughter's wedding, she and FIL only attended for an hour....none of the siblings attended (DH included as weren't invited by MIL) and hardly any relatives.

So seemingly, weddings to her are all about family, but only when it suits her...certainly wasn't at her own daughter's wedding...so why would she think it would be at mine?!

MimiSunshine Sun 14-Apr-13 18:58:26

Wish don't worry about it, I think it was clear from your posts that you hadnt invited Nephew as you weren't inviting children except your own but then who the bloody hell would you leave her with?
That it wasn't personal to Nephew (who will neither know nor care) or a childish attempt to ensure all attention was on you (just that it would be nice if your MIL focused on her soon for 4hrs).

GentlyGentlyOhDear Sun 14-Apr-13 18:59:16

YANBU I don't see why you should invite the nephew if you aren't close/ to SIL and have only met him once. It's bizarre that some people think that the label of family should override anything else in weddings.
A small meal and official registry office wedding sounds lovely and is not a child-friendly event. Stick to your guns!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 19:17:33

mimi

This is exactly how DH and I both feel.

Sorry not to read whole thread but speaking as a MIL you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable!

I seriously wonder what planet some people come from, MILs included.

I am not in the slightest bit like that grin No really...I'm not smile

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Apr-13 19:45:59

There are so many ins and out of child free weddings that it becomes a farce.

Op does your df often give people the silent treatment to try to sort out a problem? I would get everyone to talk and communicate rather than avoid confrontation.

Phone up MIL and tell her she is being silly not coming to see her grandchild because she wants to punish her son and dil to be. Tell your df to start talking to his mother to try to sort out this mess - silent treatment just doesn't work.

Can you suggest a party later in the year that MIL can put on for the wedding guest she wants to invite and she can organise how she likes?

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Apr-13 19:48:23

Also is your Mil socially inept and possibly wants the baby as a distraction for her to focus on? She maybe nervous at gatherings and feel that the baby would give her a safety net so she doesn't have to think of small talk with your family and friends?

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Apr-13 19:48:46

Oh and OP

YANBU

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 19:53:39

ivy It's the MIL who goes on the silence offensive.

DH has simply just had enough this time and said no way is he contacting her first.

Mil is being ridiculous not seeing her DD this weekend because of this disagreement. If I thought for a minute she'd take a phone call off me, I would ring.

She never rings our house phone, in order that she doesn't have to speak to me!

Have already suggested a party - she was very rude and dismissive about the suggestion (suggested that when she kicked off originally about who was invited!)

So all I can do is text her really.

maddening Sun 14-Apr-13 20:01:02

If mil wants a grand party for her selected rellies then she can organise herself one.

Op yanbu - all you can hope for now is that she cuts you out too smile

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Apr-13 20:01:52

I really wouldn't bother...

shewhowines Sun 14-Apr-13 20:32:53

You are never going to please her or make her like yourself and DD, so just do your own thing. Be polite and keep the moral high ground. Be civil but assertive.

I,d be surprised if she comes if I were you, if she only stayed at her DD,s for an hour.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Apr-13 20:52:39

OMG OP!
So she's the MIL who invited loads of people to the wedding before it was properly planned and then refused to give your mother the addresses for sending out the invites!

God i got so angry on your behalf on that thread!

The nature of your wedding (short church ceremony + formal meal) means child free is entirely reasonable. Your MIL will cope without the golden child for an afternoon.

Def. stick to your guns.

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Apr-13 21:08:54

Op sorry I thought I had read it as your df was doing the silent treatment.

Tell her then to get a grip as no one wants a tantruming mil at the wedding so if she doesn't want to come she can stay home with the nephew

Chucksteak Sun 14-Apr-13 21:18:20

gail734 MIL wanted me to wear a neck to toe covering virginal white meringue with the veil that she wore at her wedding. I am tall and well built in proportion and I felt that white wouldn't suit my colouring. I wore a black minidress with biker boots to the registry office - definitely more me grin

(Sorry about thread hijack OP)

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 21:23:57

Love it. Why the F would anyone want to get married in their MIL's old veil??

OP hope you're enjoying the peace!

cheekyangel Sun 14-Apr-13 21:35:36

In slight defence of MiLs especially those of Irish extraction (mentioned earlier on) weddings are a family occasion and very much oriented to parents, aunts, uncles and cousins etc. You know I think it is about expectations and managing those.
That being said I think OP is marrying into a right rum lot, but then so did I and 20+ years later with 3 DCs we are still together smile &#9829;

cheekyangel Sun 14-Apr-13 21:37:12

Those hieroglyphs were a love heart

aufaniae Sun 14-Apr-13 22:00:28

psst cheekyangel

Drop the ; and add [[ ]]

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 22:55:45

Cheeky I would SO start a thread on Irish Mammies in Law if I thought I could get away with it!

HRHLadyG Sun 14-Apr-13 23:02:48

Cross! You could have your Wedding day exactly as you like it....and then suggest you have a HUGE Blessing/ Reception etc and as this is sooooooooo important to her I'm sure she'd happily pay for it ALL! x

cheekyangel Sun 14-Apr-13 23:35:25

Gail Irish MiLs, yes please wink

LoganMummy Sun 14-Apr-13 23:48:07

It always amazes me how crazy peoe can get over other people's weddings!

We had some crazy reactions from DH's family. We stuck to what we wanted but its caused a big rift. FIL and I haven't spoken for 6 years and SIL and I don't really any more. All because they didn't get their own way. Bit sad really (and I hate how it upset my DH).

Good luck and remember its your day!

candyandyoga Mon 15-Apr-13 12:44:47

Whilst I don't think you are unreasonable, I DO think the not inviting your 11 month old nephew is very off. He is only a baby and you are having your baby there so it seems funny of you. Not because of your MIL's feelings, but just that your baby daughter will be there and he is her baby cousin and you seem to not want him there because he might get some attention which is really odd of you.

You mil is a twat, but I think you should invite your sil along with her baby. You seem very over the top about the no child thing.

EldritchCleavage Mon 15-Apr-13 13:14:47

I remember Op's invitations thread, and based on both threads, I think the attention thing is a bit unfair. Her DH2B is obviously a member of a family of complete drama llamas, led by the MIL. Perhaps it's not so much about being the centre of attention as trying not to have lots of drama and negativity, but just getting the MIL to focus politely on her son's wedding for an afternoon.

cory Mon 15-Apr-13 13:25:48

I don't think it's the MIL thing: it's exactly what my mother would have done if I hadn't given her pretty well free hands in organising our wedding (but she did pay for it too to be fair).

Am now wondering how I am going to get out of her organising my 50th birthday- big event in my culture, but I really do think when you're 50 you should be able to do it for yourself.

Dh's 50th a few years ago was somewhat disturbed by my mother rushing from the table in tears because I had bought paper napkins instead of using her cloth ones and hadn't been able to find room for candles on the table. What she now remembers of dh's birthday was that nobody could be bothered to organise anything because we were so tired after the Christmas festivities! (Dh and I had cooked a bloody 3 course dinner!)

She was desperately unhappy on her own 50th, sobbing in bed because she wasn't able to have the big do she wanted. Now she will make mine an equally stressful event. It's not that I mind a big party- don't particularly care tbh- but she cannot just do things calmly. I have tried to compromise on having one official family party and then a quiet day on my actual birthday, but the latest hints are that her and my dad are planning to come over on the birthday too- and I can just see the way this is heading... linen napkins and tears of stress.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 15-Apr-13 13:37:13

She never rings our house phone, in order that she doesn't have to speak to me!

This for me would be sufficient not to contemplate inviting her in the first place.

MIL has paid no attention at all to our baby DD since she was born

That would seal it!

Phantomteadrinker Mon 15-Apr-13 13:54:15

You sound a bit jealous of your nephew tbh. He is your nephew too ( you keep referring to 'Dhs nephew or the nephew' which is a bit odd) and you are marrying into a family. I'm all for having the wedding you want but I do think that weddings should be family affairs and I think excluding close family is unreasonable. Is it really worth falling out for....?

helenthemadex Mon 15-Apr-13 14:19:44

It doesn't sound like a close family at all, Im sure that the OP said she had only met future sil twice and that she was surprised to be invited, I would be curious to know how she feels about her ds not being invited.

as for the MIL who has not seen her DGD since Christmas and shows no interest in her, whilst at the same time making a huge fuss over her DGS, who is her world, that is insulting and incredibly hurtful, that alone would be enough for me to tell her where to go

foreverondiet Mon 15-Apr-13 14:23:04

When we got married we were both 22 and my parents paid for almost everything. As a result me DH and Mil has little say, and we (me and DH) only allowed 30 friends (out of 200 people). I assume you are paying not your parents/mil? even then your mil is being pathetic but I think you are silly not to invite Bil and allow dn to come if he is tiny....

DontmindifIdo Mon 15-Apr-13 14:51:39

Personally, I think you are very brave marrying into a family where:

your DH's sister didn't feel it appropriate to invite her own brother to her wedding

No one talks to BIL, and it's assumed he'll never be invited to any family event, but rather than cut out her parents for this huge snub, the SIL takes her DS over to the MIL in order for him to be "the centre of MIL's world", attends events happily without him and seems to have no problem with her DH being airbrushed out of the family.

The family think it's appropriate to invite perferred people with their preferred child, rather than couples (see the aunt and her DD being invited, not aunt and uncle when numbers are tight).

The MIL feels she has a say over an event that someone else is paying for when she can't be bothered having much to do with the bride or the grandchild on that side.

It just seems all very odd and if they've normalised this idea of cutting some people out and playing favourites. That everyone accepts MIL's odd behaviour and goes along with it (if I got an invite for me and DS but not me and DH, then I wouldn't go, the fact that an Aunt isn't insulted that she's been invited with her DD rather than her DH suggests it's not just MIL who acts like this in the extended family, that no one kicked off at the OP's DH not being invited to his own sister's wedding also seems to suggest it's ok to pick and chose who is and isn't 'close family'). If MIL is happy for you to invite only one half of a couple because she doesnt like the other half, then she has no right to complain about a baby not being invited to a No Children wedding.

MIL not wanting to have anything to do with your DD might be a blessing in disguise, you dno't want DD raised thinking this is not odd in the extreme.

Jammother Mon 15-Apr-13 16:00:35

My MIL offered me her old wedding dress to wear for our wedding. I tried politely declining but she still made me try it on!

SoggySummer Mon 15-Apr-13 16:29:32

I do not think you are being unreasonable in anyway at all.

Why the fuck do other people assume what happens and who comes and think they can control other peoples wedding days.

By the sound of it you are not having a big traditional affair but a quiet very low key personal do.

The family dynamics - taking into consideration the lack of good relationship between your future DH and sister makes it more plain and obvious in my mind as to why the nephew should not be invited. Child free is child free.

It really gets my goat when people get pissy about kids not being invited to weddings. If as parents/family you get invited and your kids dont - you have a choice - go and find suitabke child care or politely decline because you dont wish to attend without your kids - no need to huff and pouff over it. It all comes down to peoples sense of entitlement.

Your MIL sound batty and fuck. All the more reason to stick to your guns on this. Not to be spiteful but because if you back down on this, you will be backing down on shit for years to come as she will know that if she throws enough toys out of her pram, you will cave in. Her behaviour will deteriorate and her strops escalate every time. This is your day and your chance to show you wont be brow beaten into something you dont want just because a silly lady throws a strop.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 15-Apr-13 16:53:30

Yanbu. Well fine for standing up for yourself! I have seen this kind of crazy MIL before. The MILs who tend to think they have the right to dictate wedding days tend to end up estranged from their sons, in my experience. I give it 3 years before you have nothing further to do with her!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 09:34:15

thanks all

ahh. Well, it's been 3 days, and so far silence

I'm actually quite enjoying it grin

In all seriousness though, we are upset that she chose not to see her only granddaughter just because she disagreed about our wedding choices. Ridiculous. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

That, along with the phrase her grandson is 'her world', has actually knocked me a little, because it's quite clear that even if she did have a relationship with my DD, she would always be second best.

It's her birthday this weekend. I got a card out of the box last night to send to her, and DH told me not to bother. Ugh. The nice person in me still thinks it's her birthday and we should still be pleasant! Think I shall send regardless.

property I think you're absolutely right.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:50:44

No, you need to tell your DH that you will show your MIL how grown ups behave, send a card.

(Apart from anything else, there's few things that really annoy a sulker than to realise that the person they are sulking with haven't noticed they are sulking! If you are cheery when you next have to talk to her and act like there's no problem, still send a card/flowers for her birthday etc, it'll piss her right off)

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 11:06:53

don'tmind Oh. Good point!! Hadn't thought of it like that grin

SanityClause Tue 16-Apr-13 11:37:47

What dontmind said. All of it!

Jins Tue 16-Apr-13 12:32:55

Jammother I was offered MIL's wedding dress as well. There was no way I was going to try it on - you must be much more polite than me

glossyflower Tue 16-Apr-13 13:09:39

Yep I've had a similar wedding/MIL experience too.
Our PILs in the end didn't attend our wedding because we disinvited them.

Meeting other people's demands now will only cause further heartache later so you are best to stick to your guns and don't back down.

It's your day not theirs.

glossyflower Tue 16-Apr-13 13:12:43

BTW just to add that DH and I are expecting first child any day now and PILs are not interested in making amends and moving on so they clearly have their priorities. They would rather spite their grandchild than to make amends with us because they still believe they were right to dictate!

Bedtime1 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:58:24

In terms of your mil you don't get on and I think you are entitled to have what wedding you want and guests. I however do not understand your reasoning on your own nephew. He is not old enough to have his own mind etc and I think you are punishing him which isn't nice at all. I think your no children rule surely cannot extend itself to your nephew. I would understand if your own daughter was not going. Your nephew is older than your own child therefore really your not having a child free day. It will be harder in terms of stress etc with your own child who is younger if your using the " I want a child free day" . I get not inviting extended family members kids and friends kids but not your own nephew. I get why your jealous of the attention put on the nephew but not your own daughter etc but that is milsdoing this and making it competitive, it's not your nephews fault. Take her out of the equation and what has your nephew done?

Your mil is hard work. You invite who you want even if it does mean offending her. I think she will come anyway. Eg I think you sould invite bil if you want. No wonder the family don't get on with so much segregation.

onelittlepiglet Tue 16-Apr-13 14:06:48

OP I feel for you. My problems with my MIL started with our wedding. Luckily she wasn't allowed to be involved in the planning as we did it ourselves. She did try to 'influence' my DH but luckily he is wise to her.

She did however, insist in having her make up done by the woman doing my hair before I had my hair done. i have no idea why I agreed to this - i just wanted to make her happy. big mistake. she knocked on the door of my room (in the hotel) when my sister answered the door, she walked past her without being invited in, while I was getting ready! she ignored me and my sisters totally and demanded that the makeup woman redid her lipstick as she'd had a drink so it had washed off.

She spent the rest of our wedding swanning round with her daughter (who got engaged a coupe of weeks before our wedding- I later found out MIL had been involved in making this happen...but that is a whole other thread) and telling everyone how amazing her wedding would be. She didn't speak to me all day.

She has been horrendous ever since and I wish I had stood up to her. Stay strong and do what you want - don't let her ruin it for you and your husband to be.

MimiSunshine Tue 16-Apr-13 14:21:39

Bedtime so to be truly child free they dont have thir DD there, who would you suggest OP leaves her with then? I'm guessing all suitable close friends and family are invited to the wedding.

And by the sounds of things OP is much closer to her godchild than her nephew who they've only met once or twice and the godchild isnt invited either.

Being a close family relation doesnt mean close personally and does not guarrentee an invite. Its the MIL who is insisting on the nephew coming (not the childs mother) and what right does she have to determine that?

2rebecca Tue 16-Apr-13 14:34:46

I think you got off lightly if your child isn't your MIL's world. It would only lead to endless power battles. I don't think it's particularly healthy for parents to say their children are their world as it sounds rather smothering especially as the kids grow, let along grandparents.
All adults need to keep their own friends and hobbies and not live through their relatives.
It sounds as though you don't like her much anyway so I'm not sure why you want her especially involved in your daughter's life.
Have a nice weekend doing fun stuff and see less of the nutty sounding relatives.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Tue 16-Apr-13 14:54:14

Applause from me. It's none of her bloody business how your wedding day goes.

Frankly...how dare she!

eccentrica Tue 16-Apr-13 17:10:40

SoggySummer Child free is not child free if there are children there.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 19:43:00

bedtime1

I do hear what you're saying. However, it's not about jealousy on our behalf. We have only met nephew once. The venue is not particularly child friendly, which is going to cause us a problem sorting our own DD out (fitting in pram, highchair etc) but would cause more problems trying to squeeze in another baby. I know people might say, well it's only one more baby etc, but frankly, as I said, my own young goddaughter (who I love dearly) isn't coming, and whilst my nephew is my nephew through my DH connection, he's just a baby i've met once and don't have any feeling for (sorry if that sounds awful, just being honest!)

As you say, he's not old enough to have his own mind. So he's not enough to mind that he's not invited! Not like he's going to know or remember.

BIL i have no interest in meeting if I'm honest. What I have been told of the background as to why they don't get on, is not something i want myself, or my family involved in (drug related and benefit fraud related..there is more, but that's the gyst of it)

2Rebecca completely agree!!! You've hit the nail on the head there though. MIL has no friends (that we know of) and simply sees relatives for coffee etc. Also has no hobbies. Not a healthy life balance imo but it's her choice. TBH not sure what she does - but she does have a very clean, showhouse type house, so she obviously spends most of her time cleaning grin

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 19:45:52

OH. and also, DD is coming, but come 6pm (her bedtime wind down time!) my own mother is taking her home to bath/change etc, and then my brother (who's not big on small talk after meals) has kindly offered to babysit in the house with her.

So DD is literally there for 3 hours.

FIL has said, well can't nephew come for the evening. hmm given that surely he would be asleep, seems somewhat pointless? And makes me think again that it's so MIL can keep the poor little thing awake and parade him around her side of relatives. Making the thing about her. Again. As she always tries to do!

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 21:27:44

stick to your guns. really, just do it.

But rise above and make sure your behaviour is fine. Get that card posted!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Wed 17-Apr-13 10:13:03

Card and flowers have been sent. And a card from DD.

Be interesting to see if she rings to say thank you!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sat 20-Apr-13 18:38:08

No phone call, no thank you. She is not answering her phone. FIL is not answering his phone.

Now what do we do!?

How ridiculous.

maddening Sat 20-Apr-13 18:45:38

Sod her.

Let her come to you. Keep a space for them at the wedding but don't chase her for confirmation of her attendance.

Meet their silence with indifference.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sat 20-Apr-13 19:39:31

Well, there's 6 of them I'm still waiting for confirmation from!

That's 3 other sets of relatives on my side who could be invited if they're not coming ;)

I did say to DP though to just shrug and let her come back to him. We've sent birthday wishes, she should be big enough to ring to say thank you imo. smile

NotAnotherPackedLunch Sat 20-Apr-13 19:59:34

I'd text and say that they need to confirm if they're coming so you can finalise the numbers for the meal and that if you don't hear you'll cancel their places or better still invite replacement guests who, unlike some, are an active and positive part of your life.

DontmindifIdo Sat 20-Apr-13 20:07:19

Leave it another 48 hours, then on Monday send a text asking for final confirmation they are coming, as you've got a 'B' list of invitees if they aren't coming so you need confirmation by Friday, or you'll assume they aren't coming and replace them.

Then stick to it. Don't chase again, don't contact again until they do.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Mon 22-Apr-13 12:56:53

No response from the text....!!!!

Best bit. DP rang his siblings (2 of whom still live at home) and they claim nothings been said. I really don't believe this for a minute.

Well, at this rate, they're going to be replaced grin

Fudgemallowdelight Mon 22-Apr-13 13:28:57

I wouldn't really replace them if i were you, in case they come round and want to come later on. If you don't leave them that option you'd be basically cutting off your husband's family as I doubt they'd get over it. It's one thing to give them the impression you'll replace them, but another to really do it.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Mon 22-Apr-13 14:32:09

Hmm. Yes. That's a good point.

Well, I'm not chasing her. Such childish behaviour from a woman in her 50's!

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