to not want PILS to see newborn DS?

[Needaninsight]

Background - MIL ruined our wedding a year ago and subsequently screamed down the phone at me (and hung up!) when I tried to talk to her about it 2 weeks later.

We haven't spoken since.

She refuses to accept that she has done anything wrong at all. The wedding saga is a whole other story which I posted about at the time but basically she was and really did ruin our day :( (this was after 8 months of hell with her whilst planning the wedding as she disagreed entirely with how we were having the day)

She hasn't seen toddler DD since either, but I might add that even before the wedding, she had only seen her three times - all instigated by us, and we travelled down to see them. MIL refused to use skype (or similar) when DD was born (my suggestion) saying she couldn't be 'bother with all that faff'

Neither PIL makes any effort with DH. They never phone, never text but grumble like hell when DH rings or texts asking where the hell he's been (he always says things like, well you can always ring me you know etc)

Anyway. Gave birth 10 days ago. PIL's have never acknowledged the fact I've been pg - never asked how I am, or how it's going etc. Awful birth - nearly died. Showed no reaction at all to that. Basically, I get it, they don't give a toss about me!

But we are going down to visit my parents this weekend and PIL's have a holiday home there. DH wants to take both kids round to see them (not unreasonable in itself granted), however the mother bear in me is screaming why the hell should he!

I feel that they don't make an effort with DD, barely an effort with DH (their own son) and showed zero interest in the baby until he popped out. Even then, we've only had one phone call (asking about newborn, no interest shown in me even when DH said it was awful) and no card/gift etc to welcome him into the family.

The other thing here is that they have a large, uncontrolled dog who I don't want anywhere near the two little ones. Before the wedding (MIL and I have never been on great terms, but were at least speaking) on the couple of occasions we did go round, MIL refused to be put the dog out/away saying he was 'unlikely' to do anything. I know if i send DH with the two kids on his own, it's highly likely that MIL will again refuse to remove the dog, and DH will be bullied into being there, trying to watch a newborn and our rather lively, but still small (just over 1yr old) toddler.

So (if you got this far!)..Do I...

a. Tell DH to go on his own. If/when PILs kick off that kids aren't with him, make DH tell them why and say MIl still owes me an apology?

b. Just let DH take the newborn one day, and our 1 yr old the next. That way even regardless of the dog being out, he can keep full control and ensure they are safe.

c. Say over my dead body and say if they want to see the gcs, they need to apologise first and then they can visit at my home, with the dog.

I might just add, I know I'm hormonal right now so probably not thinking clearly. It's just hugely annoying that PILS want to pretend that there isn't this huge elephant in the room and think that they can sweep MILS awful behaviour under the carpet. FIL actually said a week ago that it's me who just needs to get over it and start afresh because you know what MIL is like when she's had a drink.

Just read your last post. I would really struggle to forgive anyone that stuff, let alone without an apology. Does your dad know what she did?

How on earth can DH minimise this into "I just want everyone to get on" fucking airy fairy cop out crap.

Tell him to make the decision, and you know he will do the right thing for your family

Then if he makes the wrong one, ask him how this is best for you, your kids, and your relationship.

slithytove That just made me smile ! Read it out to DH. You are completely right.

Rosie Tbh, i don't really want her in our lives. Day to day, she doesn't really affect our lives (given that she doesn't call or live near us)

It's just this constant, in the background, presence of her. I know everytime, for eg, that I visit my parents, she kicks off. She has actually spied on us a few times. Deliberately driven past my folks house (they live in the middle of nowhere I might add!) and then sent a text to DH asking How the weather is with us, where we normally live. That type of thing.

Deep down I feel as though my kids deserve to have two sets of grandparents. But then I realise I want two sets that add value to their lives, not complications. So, in answer to your question, I guess I'm genuinely hoping she'll apologise and change her behaviour? In denial about this I thinK!

Op she sounds so horrible. I won't forgive her based solely on what she did at the wedding. Why should you have to put up with this absolutely toxic person In your life. I would just send DH on his own. Yadnbu!

Firstly congratulation OP!

I want to know why is your DH trying to maintain a relationship with such awful people who have treated his family so terribly?

Obviously you don't visit this vile woman but I don't understand why he can't stand up to his parents and say none of you are going because they are so awful.

Life is too short to not speak to family members.

Utter bollocks.

Everything Bruno Brookes & Slithy Toad said - YANBU.

tove sorry.

Ooh I'm glad DH knows about the thread, what does he make of the replies?

Tell him I'm sure he isn't the airy fairy cop out type, and therefore will put you and DC first.

Great for him to visit if he wants, however it would then be appropriate to explain that they need to build bridges, and you would prefer that to happen while DC are small so they grow up knowing their grandparents. Can also put feet down once and for all about the dog. At the end of the days, these are your children, and your lives. If other people choose to behave in a way that means you don't want to be around then, then that is their problem to deal with.

I am of the opinion that life is too short to deal with toxic people. Your little family comes first and it sounds like DC need protecting from MIL if I'm honest.

Congratulations on DS!

Tonde that cracked me up!

It's tough. I understand exactly why your DH doesn't stand up to her. He desperately wants it all to work out. Much in the same way that you hope an apology will mean that she's changed and can give your DC the relationship they deserve.

TBH though if she didn't realise after your wedding how awful she was and apologise, months after the event, I doubt that she will.

I think you need to accept she can't offer your DC the relationship you and your DH want her to have. Protect yourself and your family. Deep down I think you know if you do get back in contact at some stage in the future she will do something awful and it may affect your DC at that stage.

Good luck and enjoy your lovely newborn!

She has a talent for turning everything back on DH and myself. ..so we're the ones who are 'playing games' or we're the ones who are 'immature' and 'need to grow up' . DH says he makes him feel like a 15 yr old who still hasn't left home!

She never replied to his text yesterday, so 6 hours later, he replied along the lines of forget it you're clearly not bothered.

She immediately replied to that with 'Did she send that?'

TBH I'd like this to come to another massive head now, just so that I can lose my temper and tell her exactly what I think of her behaviour and how stressed it's making us all. Mind you, not that she'd care. Probably turn it into all about her again.

Everything you have all replied with sounds about right. I do know that I need to protect my little family unit.

My own mother is convinced that she is trying to split me and DH up (bearing in mind, another wedding thing she did was tell DH repeatedly at the alter, within earshot of my family, that it wasn't too late to change his mind!) in order that she can take the gc's every weekend he has them. When DD was newborn, she tried to take her away at 2 weeks old from me, saying she had a moses basket etc set up in her room and was ready to 'take the baby' and the baby didn't need me anyway because MIL was family and the baby would know this.

DH is stressed beyond belief now. Anyway, I'm now determined that I'm not going to see them this weekend (or ever until she makes an effort to apologise/sort things out herself) and why the hell should she see our beautiful children? I need to keep reminding myself that given her behaviour over the last four years, I owe her nothing at the minute.

Have you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward? I think you'd find it v helpful.

Some how you need your DH to understand he is not stuck in the middle. He has a healthy adult relationship with his wife and a new family. And he has an unhealthy relationship with his mum which cannot be changed, however much he tries to please her.

And Option C, definitely.

Some things are beyond an apology.

To op’s DH:

Imagine that in twenty years time you are at your daughter’s wedding and her mil-to-be is there at 8 PM sending home the guests, telling them that there will be no alcohol because you used to be an alcoholic. Imagine that her beautiful flowers and dress have been ruined because her mil-to-be has ruined them by putting them in beer which has then spilled down her dress. Imagine your daughter, your little girl, crying because her special day has been ruined, and then imagine her being screamed at by her mil that she is not welcome in the family. Then imagine a year from then when she has a beautiful baby of her own and your son-in-law is telling her he really wants her to get on with these people, you know, the people who have treated her so apawlingly in the past. Will you be telling her that she really should get on with them? Will you think your son in law is in the right wanting your little girl (because she will always be your little girl, even when she’s married and grown up with children) to have to get on with someone who screams at her, ruins her day, will do anything to make her life miserable? No? Then why would you want that for your wife? Your life partner? And potentially even your children because if your mother can be that nasty to your wife then she has it in her to be that vindictive towards your children.

Ask yourself, what is to be gained by maintaining a relationship with these people? Then ask yourself, what can you gain by cutting contact with them?

This could be your dd in twenty years time, if the advice you would give her then would be to have nothing to do with toxic people, then the advice you should be giving yourself now should be the same.

She really is a piece of work isn't she!!

She should have been frog marched out of your wedding for her appalling behaviour.

I would have a vow renewal, recreate the whole day and NOT invite her at all. Then you would get a special day not overshadowed by her shower of shit.

Refuse to deal with the awful woman. Your DH really needs to grow a back bone and deal with her. You 2 will never get along because this cow will not allow it. Nothing you ever do will be good enough of right and he needs to realise this and support you.

I stand by what I said earlier. She should not be in your childrens lives because she treats their mother so appallingly. GPs do not have any rights to be in GC lives when they are this vile.

How awful.
No to going around with the dog.
I wouldnt trust this woman that the dog is safe.
He can go by himself... If he even wants to.
It sounds like she has an alcohol/mental health problem or is very jealous and possessive over your DH.
I would probably thrown her out of the wedding.
Your day and DH not hers.

My 10 day old baby wouldn't be going anywhere without me, let alone to people who don't acknowledge my existence and have an out of control dog. You don't get to spend time with a newborn baby if you ignore it's mother.

^

That's exactly how I would feel as well.

Congratulations on your new baby. I am in awe of you being up for a weekend away so soon after giving birth. I was still in the blobbing around mode two weeks after!