Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to not want PILS to see newborn DS?

66 replies

Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 13:31

Background - MIL ruined our wedding a year ago and subsequently screamed down the phone at me (and hung up!) when I tried to talk to her about it 2 weeks later.

We haven't spoken since.

She refuses to accept that she has done anything wrong at all. The wedding saga is a whole other story which I posted about at the time but basically she was and really did ruin our day :( (this was after 8 months of hell with her whilst planning the wedding as she disagreed entirely with how we were having the day)

She hasn't seen toddler DD since either, but I might add that even before the wedding, she had only seen her three times - all instigated by us, and we travelled down to see them. MIL refused to use skype (or similar) when DD was born (my suggestion) saying she couldn't be 'bother with all that faff'

Neither PIL makes any effort with DH. They never phone, never text but grumble like hell when DH rings or texts asking where the hell he's been (he always says things like, well you can always ring me you know etc)

Anyway. Gave birth 10 days ago. PIL's have never acknowledged the fact I've been pg - never asked how I am, or how it's going etc. Awful birth - nearly died. Showed no reaction at all to that. Basically, I get it, they don't give a toss about me!

But we are going down to visit my parents this weekend and PIL's have a holiday home there. DH wants to take both kids round to see them (not unreasonable in itself granted), however the mother bear in me is screaming why the hell should he!

I feel that they don't make an effort with DD, barely an effort with DH (their own son) and showed zero interest in the baby until he popped out. Even then, we've only had one phone call (asking about newborn, no interest shown in me even when DH said it was awful) and no card/gift etc to welcome him into the family.

The other thing here is that they have a large, uncontrolled dog who I don't want anywhere near the two little ones. Before the wedding (MIL and I have never been on great terms, but were at least speaking) on the couple of occasions we did go round, MIL refused to be put the dog out/away saying he was 'unlikely' to do anything. I know if i send DH with the two kids on his own, it's highly likely that MIL will again refuse to remove the dog, and DH will be bullied into being there, trying to watch a newborn and our rather lively, but still small (just over 1yr old) toddler.

So (if you got this far!)..Do I...

a. Tell DH to go on his own. If/when PILs kick off that kids aren't with him, make DH tell them why and say MIl still owes me an apology?

b. Just let DH take the newborn one day, and our 1 yr old the next. That way even regardless of the dog being out, he can keep full control and ensure they are safe.

c. Say over my dead body and say if they want to see the gcs, they need to apologise first and then they can visit at my home, with the dog.

I might just add, I know I'm hormonal right now so probably not thinking clearly. It's just hugely annoying that PILS want to pretend that there isn't this huge elephant in the room and think that they can sweep MILS awful behaviour under the carpet. FIL actually said a week ago that it's me who just needs to get over it and start afresh because you know what MIL is like when she's had a drink.

OP posts:

Sneezecakesmum · 15/05/2014 13:34

If you are concerned about the dog then that's a perfectly good reason for not sending your DCs to their home. YANBU

beanynamechange · 15/05/2014 13:35

I think it also depends on what your dh wants too? If he's as unsure as you then my vote would be 'sorry, we are too busy'
If he wants to see them/ wants your dc to see them although clearly not that much if no efforts been made before now? then there may have to be a compromise..

Original poster

Needaninsight · 15/05/2014 13:37

DH keeps trying to win his parent's 'approval'..I think they are a classic case of toxic parents sadly.

DH says he just wishes that everyone could get on :( and feels stuck in the middle. Although he completely recognises that his MIL (in particular) has been bang out of order, he's scared of confronting her and would rather just pretend it all hasn't happened! Basically he's had a lifetime of putting up with it!

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 15/05/2014 13:38

I would send DH with them over two days and you do something fun with the toddler / relax with the baby while he's doing it on each day.

pictish · 15/05/2014 13:38

Um...I think you need to discuss this with your husband, as he has every right to want to visit his parents with the children.
Discuss your concerns about the dog with him specifically.

I am very curious to know (sorry) what your mil did at the wedding!!

basgetti · 15/05/2014 13:38

My 10 day old baby wouldn't be going anywhere without me, let alone to people who don't acknowledge my existence and have an out of control dog. You don't get to spend time with a newborn baby if you ignore it's mother.

pictish · 15/05/2014 13:40

That's kind of true too. 10 days is very new.

TheScience · 15/05/2014 13:40

I'd probably compromise on them seeing the toddler in a public, dog free place, but no chance would my newborn be going anywhere without me.

HypodeemicNerdle · 15/05/2014 13:43

Let him go by himself, your IL sound awful and your baby is so very tiny.

They've not been in anyway flexible so why should you have to.

I'm afraid your DH is going to have to man up, it's not fair to ask you to put up with his mothers behaviour to keep her happy.

Enjoy your time with your parents, let them spoil you, you sound like you really deserve it

Miggsie · 15/05/2014 13:43

I wouldn't touch them with some else's barge pole.
If your husband wants to see them he can go on his own.
His "wanting everyone to get one" is a way of making you put up with being bullied and belittled. You can't get on with toxic parents. They are innately unreasonable and nasty people.
Just keep refusing to see the PIL or let your children near them and buy your husband some books on toxic parents. He is the one who needs to change here, not you.

eurochick · 15/05/2014 13:44

Why not invite them (minus dog) to visit you all at your parents' place?

BananaPie · 15/05/2014 13:45

Sorry, but I would go as well if I were you. That way there'd be two of you to look after the kids. Life is too short to not speak to family members. You don't have to be friends with them or even like them, but for your dh's sake you should take the moral high ground and go and see them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/05/2014 13:46

I wouldnt want my small children around a massive uncontrollable dog.

Send DH on his own.

TheDudess · 15/05/2014 13:47

Totally agree with basgettli

Could you go for a coffee together instead so that you're all on neutral territory and the dog can't come?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 13:48

The final option.

Seriously, if you want your family to be happy, you need to not try and pointlessly compromise with unreasonable, nasty people.

They'll damage your DC and they'll damage your relationship.

And it won't do any good because there will never be a good relationship anyway, only argument after argument and tongue bite after tongue bite.

'DH says he just wishes that everyone could get on sad and feels stuck in the middle.'

-You need to come down quite hard on this. His language is very telling: it partly blames you, and misrepresents the situation. YOU have been quite happy to 'get on'. Ask him if he thinks, in general, if you have a problem 'getting on' with the other people in your life. No? How about his parents? Right. So, it's safe to say that THEY are the problem, and he does not need to make any sort of comment about him wishing you could 'get on' with anyone.

All this is before you even get to the dog issue, by the way. That makes the whole thing one big fat no from any parent with even the most fleeting recognition of how to keep a baby safe. Unsafe dog even in same room as baby? Fuck. Right. Off.

RedundantExpat · 15/05/2014 13:51

The only advice I can give is with reference to the dog: don't let him near your kids or vice versa. My DDad's dog almost took a bite out of DD2s nappy and subsequently almost got killed by me and you are right not to leave your DC with a dog around.

diddl · 15/05/2014 13:52

If he wants to see his mum & dad he can.

Kids-no way!

They need protecting from them!

And I doubt that an apology will ever happen!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/05/2014 13:52

Oh and maybe it's time to say to your DH, you can try and win their approval all you like. It's never worked. Now, the thing they want you to side with them against, to compromise and damage for their sake, is your own family as an adult. If you have any sense, here is where you call a halt - or you will really risk one day finding your self alone. Not with them, because they're not there for you and never will be, not even if you do put them first, and not with us - because we will be long gone as no family unit can survive one person not being properly on the team.

UncleT · 15/05/2014 13:53

Bollocks to seeing them at all, until they sort themselves out. There is absolutely no way in hell that giving into them on any level is appropriate here. They sound thoroughly wicked (the MIL, at any rate). If they want to see the baby then they are surely welcome to - as soon as they modify their attitude and behaviour appropriately.

MyLatest · 15/05/2014 13:57

I think you need to link to your original thread about the wedding madness so we can see if she is malevolent or just a bit bonkers.

Inertia · 15/05/2014 14:00

Personally I'd cut contact but it sounds as though your DH would not support that.

I would offer to meet them only in a public, dog-free place- you, DH and both children go together to present a united front. The risk to babies from an uncontrolled dog with a drunk angry owner is just too great to even consider- DH can go to their home alone if hat's where he wants to see them. If it's in public then the likelihood of MIL kicking off is reduced.

Bumpinthenight · 15/05/2014 14:05

Even without the dog issue I wouldn't let the kids go.

Whocansay · 15/05/2014 14:07

YANBU

If your dh wants to see them he can go on his own. I wouldn't put my dcs in a position where they would be in the same room as a large dog that is not controlled. Frankly, I question your dh's judgement if he thinks this is a good idea in the first place.

Why take the risk, and put your dcs in harm's way?

This is not even taking into account the general nastiness of your PIL.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/05/2014 14:07

The uncontrolled dog is enough for me to say that your DH should go alone. If he makes a fuss, ask him what's more important, avoiding his mother's temper tantrums or keeping his children safe?

They also sound like awful people who your have your DH firmly in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) of a toxic relationship. Has he had any counselling?

It's not worth trying with people like this, all you can do is protect your own family from them.

YouAreCompletelyRight · 15/05/2014 14:09

YANBU about all the preceding stuff, but as soon as the dog was mentioned YANBU x a million.

Young babies and dangerous, uncontrolled dogs do not mix, ever.

If your DH wants to see his Ps with the children, he can arrange it somewhere which is not pet friendly. Or they could come to your parents' without the mutt and you have the additional back up of your folks to deal with MIL's toxicity.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread