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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that none of our family will be here for DD's graduation?

63 replies

Settimia · 14/05/2014 22:09

Two of my nephews have already graduated and the entire family came.

DD is supposed to be this summer. The dates were released a few weeks ago, everyone said how lovely, they'd definitely be coming... Now only one aunt (out of 8!) is still going to be here. It's so unfair. Even her godfather is going away.

I feel especially unfair for DD because MIL died on her birthday and no one ever wants to celebrate then. I was going to make a big buffet and have everyone here.

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 14/05/2014 22:30

Probably having been to the two nephews they now know how boring it is! It is really a day for the fond parents, (and possibly grandparents)

bobblewobbleooh · 14/05/2014 22:38

I agree it must be annoying if they made a big thing about your nephews' graduations. It is in the inequality of it that must be upsetting.

Only my parents came to mine or celebrated mine. I don't think anyone else even acknowledged that I had graduated. I was bored by the long long ceremony and day and would not have travelled for it had I realised what it would be like. I suppose a big celebration afterward may have livened the occasion. Maybe you could organise something else to celebrate.

Original poster
Settimia · 14/05/2014 22:40

I feel doing something else makes too big a fuss out of it. We're not looking for presents or anything like that.

Just a bloody kick in the gut that they all said they would come, have done it for others and now are going on holiday.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 14/05/2014 22:40

Another one who's done the graduation thing several times - it's for parents/partners. And of course it's normally in the summer, so it's hardly likely the extended family are going to postpone their holidays. Maybe your nephews were the first of the "next generation" to graduate and that's why a big thing was made of it? Putting pressure on relatives to attend is one thing but expecting her godfather to be there is a wee bit much.

Plus graduation ceremonies aren't exactly exciting...

I'd forget about the party and take her out for a nice meal - that's what most people do. And she can have the whole thing of walking around town in her gown! But book now, because tables are going to be snapped up.

Sirzy · 14/05/2014 22:41

What do you expect them to do cancel their holiday?

Surely if your Dd is old enough to be graduating she is old enough to understand why they can't be there? Why not just arrange a family meal to celebrate when everyone is back if it is that important?

Original poster
Settimia · 14/05/2014 22:42

Of course we're not expecting them to cancel! But she's allowed to be a bit down.

OP posts:
NCISaddict · 14/05/2014 22:44

My DD's uni has a reception afterwards which is included in the ticket and then she's going out with her cohort for drinks afterwards. We will go home quietly as befits the younger generation. We all went out to celebrate when she got her results but graduation is just for me and DH to go to.

WhereAreMyGlasses · 14/05/2014 22:47

Why does it need to be on that day, can't you have anothe family graduation ceremony when they're all around?

SantanaLopez · 14/05/2014 22:47

I'm guessing there's something bigger here- do your inlaws really not celebrate your DD's birthday with her because of MIL's anniversary?

Original poster
Settimia · 14/05/2014 22:53

I know it's not that important, I feel that having another day makes it too big a fuss.

They do send cards for her birthday, but they won't ever come in person- we wanted to have a BBQ for her 21st but they said they couldn't face it.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 14/05/2014 22:59

How long is it since MIL died?
The first year after her death I can understand the family not wanting to "celebrate", but it is DD's birthday and not to want to share her 21st seems very unreasonable - unless this was the first anniversary? But given their attitude, why didn't you have the barbeque on another day and let her celebrate with her friends on her actual birthday?
When it comes right down to it - it's one day. For you, the fact it is DD's birthday is the most important thing. For the rest of the family, it is MIL's anniversary that is more important. Nobody is "right" - and you can't change the anniversary, so why not chose a different day for family celebrations of DD's birthday? She isn't a little girl any more, so it shouldn't be a big deal. It isn't about them putting her second, but more that the day is overcast with sorrow for them and celebrating would not seem right.

Original poster
Settimia · 14/05/2014 23:02

Christ, it's FIL, not MIL Blush 15 years. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, but it was in the middle of a spell of good weather and I suppose I didn't think.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2014 23:08

15 YEARS ago! FFS I agree with you. Poor DD.

KatieKaye · 14/05/2014 23:11

Touch of the Queen Victoria style extended mourning? But you aren't going to change them after this period of time, so I would go for a different date for family celebration of her 21st.

Original poster
Settimia · 14/05/2014 23:14

Her 21st was last summer, I can't change that now!

I feel better for the rant anyway.

OP posts:
NCISaddict · 14/05/2014 23:26

Good heavens 15 years? My dad died on my nephews 19th birthday, he would have been horrified if we didn't celebrate his 21st. TBH my Dad would have been horrified if we hadn't celebrated his 20th.

Andro · 14/05/2014 23:34

They don't celebrate her birthday (and haven't since she was 7 or 8 - so still very much a child) and now have decided to go away having told your DD they would be celebrating her graduation? That's cold! I have to wonder if she's somehow become a visual reminder of their grief in some way...either that or they're playing favourites in a very nasty manner.

NotAgainTrevor · 14/05/2014 23:36

YANBU. I would be upset, even though the ceremony is boring it was a big deal to me that I'd done it. If all the family had turned out to other relatives ceremonies but decided mine was too much of a ball ache I'd be hurt. Especially with my birthday being off limits for celebration. Even more as they were told the date, said they would come and then decided to book trips.

I think you would have had a more sympathetic response in chat. I find AIBU can tend to the cool girl replies where being proud of your achievements and wanting to celebrate them is off limits.

Topaz25 · 14/05/2014 23:52

It might be unusual to have a big graduation but if it's the done thing in your family and they refuse to celebrate your DD's birthday I can certainly see why that would be upsetting.

maddy68 · 15/05/2014 00:36

Eh? My daughter graduated last July. They were only issued 2 tickets each. No one has whole families there. That's really odd IMO?

MoominAndMiniMoom · 15/05/2014 01:11

sometimes families still come for the pictures etc, and to watch it on the screens. my patents will come to my graduation next year (I hope!!) and my OH will wait outside and watch on a screen with our DD, before joining us for pictures. my nan and brother and sister will probably want to be there too. the numbers build up surprisingly quick!!

Monty27 · 15/05/2014 01:16

OP poor dd. Sod the people that aren't coming, spend the buffet money on a really lovely posh intimate meal for you and those that are coming. Best of luck. Flowers

BillyBanter · 15/05/2014 01:16

perhaps the OP doesn't mean they will come to the ceremony, but to celebrate afterwards. Not sure. Has anyone seen if she's mentioned it?

Monty27 · 15/05/2014 01:17

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh saying sod the people that aren't coming, but if they want to do something different then they do. Maybe I'd explore that, particularly as its 15 years!

Delphiniumsblue · 15/05/2014 06:40

Just have a party later. I don't understand where they would fit in on the day. We had 2 tickets, we went to the reception afterwards- just for people with tickets- and then DS went out with his friends. It was a lovely day for proud parents, but you do get tired of clapping the hundreds of people you don't know.

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