Thread about abduction fears. **Message title altered by MNHQ**

[SEmyarse]

Well, may as well, seems they're doomed anyway.

Dd2 is 7, there is a girl who lives just around the corner who she gets on very well with. She is 9. There are also a few other children she plays with who live in the other direction aged between 8 and 10. No-one lives more than 6 houses away. We live on a modern estate in a sleepy village.

We are quite happy for dd2 to play with any of these children, and call for them on her own as long as she asks, and tells us if she's going in anyone's house. The 9yo is not allowed to walk along the road unaccompanied however, and if we let dd2 go in that direction, her mum always brings her back telling dd2 how dangerous it is. Which annoys me. I tell her she mustn't go with someone she doesn't know etc etc, but I really don't want her saying it's 'dangerous' to just walk round the corner.

So either we go with her (which really annoys dd2) or send dd1 (12) with her. For a while she seemed happy with dd1 taking her, but then she started asking for a phone call if all 3 of them came back round here together. When I asked why, dd1 rolled her eyes, and the other 2 said it was in case a nasty man put them in a van! So we tried to phone and she didn't sodding answer! Even when we sent dd1 round to collect something, she insisted on accompanying her back saying it was dangerous. How does she think she gets to school?

A while ago she came round and said 'did you see on the police Facebook page?' no, why would I? Well apparently a child was attempt snatched in the next village. I took this quite seriously, and reiterated expected safe behaviour to the kids and kept a tighter rein for a while. I couldn't find anything on Facebook though, and since then she has alleged 3 more times about various snatching and suspicious behaviour, so I can only assume it's lies, since no-one else seems to know about it.

Several times I have heard the 9yo passing on tips from her mum to dd2 of how to deal with an abductor, and dd2 is very much looking forward to being able to bite someone's hand if he tries to take her.

It's very awkward because she'll bring her dd round to play, but then about 6 of them will want to go to the park, which I'm fine with, but this girl isn't allowed to go without an adult, which is really annoying when we wouldn't usually accompany our own child, if there's loads of them together. It's only at the end of the road.

But now I'm really bloody annoyed. The mum came round while I was at work to see dh, and with no preamble whatsoever started showing him some kind of compilation of videos supposedly of children being taken. Dh was so shocked that he didn't say a thing, but clearly the message is that we're shit parents, and our children will be murdered any day now!!

Tell the other mum that your dcs walk themselves to the park and if her dd is with them she will be expected to do the same. Talk about how independent dcs are more streetwise and less likely to be hurt as they learn to judge dangers.
I would tell her that you do not want her escorting your dcs as it will be detrimental to their development.

For the record- I have no idea if any of that is true but I would say it anyway

A couple of years ago no less than six children were the victims of an attempted abduction in my area in the space of twenty minutes in schools miles apart according to Facebook. The hysteria was utterly hilarious. No sooner had the dodgy looking bloke in the van tried to drag in one child he'd appeared ten miles away trying to do the same to another.
Those who pointed out that this was unequivocal bollocks were told they had no idea how to keep their children safe. I deleted a lot of very thick people that night. In the end it local police posted that it was nonsense and people paying it on were adding to the hysteria.even now though some idiot will share this crap.

Do the kids go to brownies or the like? On the back of the crap in these parts I arranged for a stranger talk from our local police who explained to my brownie pack (and parents who wanted to stay) that the actual risk of being dragged of the street was miniscule.
Maybe you could try something similar?

As the daughter of a woman like this, please be kind to the dd. it was hell living like a caged animal, never allowed to experience growing up, finding your feet and independence, developing normally, being laughed at by children, sneered at by adults... Trapped in a lonely house in a tiny vlllage with a woman who took out all her mh issues on her child.

I know you're not responsible for the dd, probably don't want to be beholden. But the few adults who in their own small way let me experience freedom and normality... They made me who I am today.

They were the few breathes of oxygen that kept me alive. A lifeline. Gave me a few snatched moments of what life could be like if you were allowed to grow and live and be a person.

And I am forever grateful to them, although I don't think they realise how much their small gestures changed my life.

That's why I don't want to stop having her, especially since the girls get on very well.

The other complication, is that it's dh that's here much more than me, since I work full-time. I find it baffling that she would choose an older sahd to let her child be minded by, considering her outlook, but there you go. She's perfectly happy for him to take her to the park, and animal place or even swimming, but we're getting more and more jumpy about her pressing her views on us about pervy men, so we're concerned that if we fall out properly, that she'll just throw allegations around about him.

She knows that we let all the kids play out the front of our house, with only sporadic supervision which she clearly isn't happy about, but she does let her come round still. She will either take it upon herself to walk backwards and forwards all the time to check herself, and keep dropping in to suggest they watch a film or something or as I say disappear completely, so if we want to do something we can't even send/take her home. which is a pain because if ds is with us we don't have any spare seats in the car to take her with us.

I'd make sure that she gets the message that she must let you know if she's going to go out. Who does that anyway? That really is irresponsible parenting. She'd be told very promptly if that inconvenienced me.

Ignore her. Do things your way and if she fits in with it then fine, if not she supervises her dd. I wouldn't be going to the park or going out of my way.

My mum was like that, and it ended with me having an anxiety disorder and no friends. Thank you for doing what you can for that poor girl.

I wouldn't encourage the friendship anymore.
Your friend doesn't sound like a very nice person.

It's really not fair on you or your dc to be disadvantaged and put out continually by her demands & expectations.

The fact that you're worried of any comeback from her if there's a fallout of sorts speaks volumes.
You can't control what she does or how she acts but you can stop allowing her to control you & make you feel bad.

Worries about her accusing your dh are indeed a worry.

I think you need a Plan, to enforce some rules and boundaries. She seems to be free to behave like a loon and you're all too stupefied to push back.

Can you enforce a no going out without letting you know rule? As that's just weird and dangerous compared to her hyper safety aware stance on everything else!

Also does she have a dp/ other friends you can talk to about this? Do your children go to the same school? Could you talk to the school about this?

You can't be bullied by this woman just because you are scared she will accuse your husband of assault.

I agree itsfab, anyway her claims would be just that. If any accusations were made I'm sure they would speak to the dd first before anything would be mentioned to you or your husband. It's a shame your made to feel this way, I hope you can get it resolved soon. It sounds like you are prisoners in your own neighbourhood. X x

does she have a partner/husband childs parent? fears so strong might indicate a problem close to home? just wildly speculating but i can understand her point of view in one sense my daughter was fairly tightly watched at that age and compared to her friends she is still although she is allowed out (she walks to and from school) on weekends she has to tell us who/where/when and if late ring if its dark ring if she wants to change plans RING

we have our reasons too

I haven't seen the thread title.

It was gone when I found the thread.

Will somebody message me and tell me what it was?

She obviously feels fine about your DH. I think parents do allow different levels of freedom at that age. Each to their own. Obviously there's too lax and too uptight. Somewhere in the middle is best.