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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Thread about abduction fears. **Message title altered by MNHQ**

88 replies

SEmyarse · 14/05/2014 20:36

Well, may as well, seems they're doomed anyway.

Dd2 is 7, there is a girl who lives just around the corner who she gets on very well with. She is 9. There are also a few other children she plays with who live in the other direction aged between 8 and 10. No-one lives more than 6 houses away. We live on a modern estate in a sleepy village.

We are quite happy for dd2 to play with any of these children, and call for them on her own as long as she asks, and tells us if she's going in anyone's house. The 9yo is not allowed to walk along the road unaccompanied however, and if we let dd2 go in that direction, her mum always brings her back telling dd2 how dangerous it is. Which annoys me. I tell her she mustn't go with someone she doesn't know etc etc, but I really don't want her saying it's 'dangerous' to just walk round the corner.

So either we go with her (which really annoys dd2) or send dd1 (12) with her. For a while she seemed happy with dd1 taking her, but then she started asking for a phone call if all 3 of them came back round here together. When I asked why, dd1 rolled her eyes, and the other 2 said it was in case a nasty man put them in a van! So we tried to phone and she didn't sodding answer! Even when we sent dd1 round to collect something, she insisted on accompanying her back saying it was dangerous. How does she think she gets to school?

A while ago she came round and said 'did you see on the police Facebook page?' no, why would I? Well apparently a child was attempt snatched in the next village. I took this quite seriously, and reiterated expected safe behaviour to the kids and kept a tighter rein for a while. I couldn't find anything on Facebook though, and since then she has alleged 3 more times about various snatching and suspicious behaviour, so I can only assume it's lies, since no-one else seems to know about it.

Several times I have heard the 9yo passing on tips from her mum to dd2 of how to deal with an abductor, and dd2 is very much looking forward to being able to bite someone's hand if he tries to take her.

It's very awkward because she'll bring her dd round to play, but then about 6 of them will want to go to the park, which I'm fine with, but this girl isn't allowed to go without an adult, which is really annoying when we wouldn't usually accompany our own child, if there's loads of them together. It's only at the end of the road.

But now I'm really bloody annoyed. The mum came round while I was at work to see dh, and with no preamble whatsoever started showing him some kind of compilation of videos supposedly of children being taken. Dh was so shocked that he didn't say a thing, but clearly the message is that we're shit parents, and our children will be murdered any day now!!

OP posts:
Itsfab · 14/05/2014 21:23

MrsM - no need for the Hmm. The "don't ask" could have meant many things which is why I asked.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2014 21:24

Fucks sake, I am not usually curious about deleted stuff, but I can't help wondering what the original title was

CoffeeTea103 · 14/05/2014 21:24

MrsMaturin, so now we must all offer support because you command it.

Itsfab · 14/05/2014 21:26

I don't think anyone did say the OP was a bad mother.

The neighbour can't make the OP feel anything at all unless she allows her too. If she is happy with her choices then she shouldn't feel any need to justify her choices.

MrsMaturin · 14/05/2014 21:26

Wellllllllllll I would suggest offering support would be nice. Otherwise it looks like you only came on the thread to nark at the OP which wouldn't be very mumsnet would it?

Uptheanty · 14/05/2014 21:26

Semyarse

Nobody is questioning your safeguarding of your dc.

We just wanted the title changed ...

We wAnt to help you with your issue....

Tell us more...

Itsfab · 14/05/2014 21:29

Not a single person has commented on the Op's parenting.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 14/05/2014 21:32

it's fine, no-one's said anything unjustified. And oddly I feel quite a lot calmer now.

I can disagree with other parents on how we do things, but I'm really finding all the digs, hints and continuous comments TOWARDS my child very tedious.

I also don't like having to treat one child differently when I'm looking after a whole herd of them. Especially since she's one of the oldest, and clearly doesn't like it being an issue. Either I have to get her mum to collect her (which she always takes an age to do, or doesn't answer the phone at all) or go with them all to the detriment of what ever I'm trying to do. and they all moan then, and they know it's this girl's fault.

OP posts:
MrsMaturin · 14/05/2014 21:36

Could you go round and say to other mum that you will NOT be walking her dd round and suggest she gives her a mobile so she can contact her mum herself if she needs to? That would be absurd for a 9yr old playing round the corner imo but that's up to mum isn't it? you can only be clear about what you will and won't do.

LiberalLibertine · 14/05/2014 21:37

Yes, that would be annoying.

Next time she drops her round, why not say...Hi! What about when they want to go to the park? Shall I ring you to come and get her? Only sometimes I'm busy and mine go on their own?

It's really up to her to do the extra vigilance thing, if that's what she wants to do.

everlong · 14/05/2014 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kerryp · 14/05/2014 21:52

I'm trying to think of a helpful suggestion but to be fair your neighbour sounds a little.....let's say tightly wound. I would say mental health issues? I would maybe just remind her / inform her that you have had this chat with your children already and could she please stop mentioning it quite so much as it's making the children over anxious and making her child alienated.

KoalaFace · 14/05/2014 21:53

I agree with PPs. Definitely just spell out for her what the kids will be doing if they're at your house. Ball is in her court then for how she handles it.

shellistar · 14/05/2014 21:53

No Candy I imagine you don't. However I think there is a difference between your experience and how you behave as a result and my Aunt's behaviour which is uneducated diatribe that isn't the result of being abused but actually a result of lack of thought and the ability to click the "share" button on her Facebook account without thinking.

Ozne · 14/05/2014 22:10

I have a family member like this. Already trying to tell my child that it's not safe to walk around our town. Not long ago, they walked home a kid from secondary school who had come round to visit and proceeded to be very judgy about the parent who had let her walk round on her own, never mind us being perfectly happy to wave her off on the doorstep.

I feel your pain OP. It's undermining, insulting, and a pain in the bum for the kids on the receiving end.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 14/05/2014 22:17

i've tried to talk to her, and she always gets offended and won't speak to us for several weeks. She doesn't let her daughter play with anyone else, and isn't even keen for other kids to be here when she is. So when she's not speaking to us I feel bad that she doesn't get to play at all.

I have no idea why we're the chosen 'safe' house, but she insists dd2 is her daughter's bestest friend and tries to monopolise her which I don't like at all. But I really don't like feeling like it's up to us whether this girl gets to play. I feel guilty when she doesn't.

and then after all this fussing and escorting everywhere, if I do try to phone she mostly doesn't answer, and sometimes when I've tried to take her home she's not there and doesn't come back for a couple of hours. And then she'll turn up and make some kind of attention grabbing speech about how worried she is about some perceived weirdo, or did I know so-and -so lets their kids walk home from school alone? Oh I couldn't do that you know!!

Fuck knows how she'd react if I told her my dad was a paedophile (he's dead).

OP posts:
Kerryp · 14/05/2014 22:22

I'll just be the heartless bitch and say it.......it's not your problem. She is doing this to her child not you.

Janethegirl · 14/05/2014 22:25

At 9 my dcs had the run of the village as when they were year 6 they had to travel on school bus 20 miles so they had to be independent. I just don't get this approach by other parents. If they have taught how to cross roads etc to their dcs what is the issue? There really are not all that many nasty adults lurking in the bushes ( awaiting to get flamed now :)!)

Original poster
SEmyarse · 14/05/2014 22:26

What I really don't like is her telling my daughter that she does all this stuff to keep her safe. Which implies to her that I'm not bothered.

and it's all the specific stuff too. Like being wary of parked vans, and telling them that someone might drag them into the back and they'll never be seen again. Way too intense IMO.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 14/05/2014 22:28

SEmy I get your point 100% but many parents don't.

Kerryp · 14/05/2014 22:29

She'll end up giving them panic attacks or at least major anxiety and your right this woman makes it seem like you haven't educated them enough which I'm sure you have. Maybe you should try "educating" the kids about people with anxiety disorders instead.

Original poster
SEmyarse · 14/05/2014 22:31

Hmm, how would I do that in an age appropriate way?

I don't want to undermine her parenting either by belittling her opinion, that would be crazy since that's what I'm annoyed she's doing to me.

OP posts:
Kerryp · 14/05/2014 22:36

No no not in a way that makes them look at her like she's insane more in a way so that at least your children understand that she's just being a bit too overprotective and that some people are naturally anxious about things they needn't be, if you mentioned examples such as agoraphobia and OCD ( I quite believe I might have a touch of this myself as have a real fear of passing on germs) they might see that certain things bother others more than it should x

Shewhowines · 14/05/2014 22:41

You do need to counterbalance the info that your dd's are getting, by explaining the other mothers over reaction.
YANBU. It's not giving your own dd's a good message at all.

ZenNudist · 14/05/2014 23:01

I live in a city so can't see I'd let my dc out at 7, but in a quiet estate with a nearby park I can see why you might be relaxed about it. I think I'd want to know someone was looking after my dc in a safe way and if I didn't think it was safe I'd keep my dc away. This is an odd situation because the woman keeps letting her dd back into a situation she sees as unsafe.

You need to tell this woman that you do not need her to walk your dd around or enforce her own parenting on her re stranger danger. In turn make it clear that you will not be escorting her dd around either between houses or to the park.

I'd get annoyed that she's clearly happy to offload her child onto you but then isn't around if her dd wants to come home.

If she starts upon you tell her politely that you're aware of her views and would thank her to keep them to herself from now on.

Then don't be guilted into thinking you're a bad parent.

You don't want to encourage this friendship anyway.