I am fully prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable but please be gentle with me!!
H and I have been together for 18 years and married for 12.5 of those. We have three dc (8, 10 and 12 years old). The house we live in is in h's name. He bought it when we were already living together not married. When I met him he owned a shop with a flat on top of this and it is the equity from this and a house he bought and sold after that which meant he could buy our house (with a mortgage). H is divorced from his first wife and very bitter about the fact that she got their family home which was worth more than the building he was awarded, and included a flat which can be rented out. His ex wife has a son who was about 4 when she married my now h and must have been about 14 when they got divorced - so his stepson.
Fast forward 16 years (from the date that he bought our family home), and we are married and have had three children. I am a stay at home mum which feels a bit redundant now that my youngest is 8. My h has since bought 2.5 more properties (2 are rented out, the .5 he recently bought with his brother and is doing up) and a martello tower which, when he gets the money together and gets planning permission, can also be done up and rented out as a holiday let. So property is one aspect of h's business - he is self-employed. Despite owning all of this, the mortgage (especially now that he has bought half of a house with his brother) is not small and h works really hard and struggles to cover bills etc....
Anyway, that sets the scene. What irks me is the fact that throughout our marriage h has always viewed himself as in some way being alone. I am not sure where I stand in his life and in fact we never talk about the future. He is very affectionate towards the dc but not to me. We are getting on much better these days than we have recently (we went through quite a long rough patch) and chat away (as long as it is about general stuff), but he never puts an arm around me or says anything nice.
Basically, I feel that the fact that h does not want to put me on the deeds (which predates the rough patch, he has always thought this way), gives me the status of a mistrusted babysitter/housekeeper rather than an equal partner. The issue came up again yesterday and I have finally really understood that h has no intention of taking on board any of my anxieties, and it has kind of knocked me for six. I am now wondering what I am supposed to do as my existence feels kind of pointless. Is this a greedy overreaction? I think I thought that at some point h would realise my worth and empathise with me, and finally trust me.
From my point of view, if something were to happen to h tomorrow, there would be a massive mortgage and outgoings which I could not cover. A portion of the equity from the house would go to me but the rest would go in trust to the dc. Therefore we would be forced to sell up and move. This issue could be sorted out either through having a will or through me jointly being on the deeds of the house we live in (not the other ones he owns). I was trying to tell him yesterday how anxious it makes me feel that my future is uncertain in this way and he told me I was blackmailing him, that people behave in bad ways when money gets in the way and that he is not going to play the whole insurance game. I offered to pay for the adding of my name to the deeds and for the insurance (with an ISA that I have) but basically he wants things how he wants them.
So I feel that he does not trust me (and I was telling him that my being on the deeds would not mean that I am suddenly going to go running off with half the house) but that I am supposed to trust him implicitly. For all I know he could have a will leaving everything to whomever he wants. Our finances are separate in that he puts money on my account and I get child benefit and tax credits. I buy food and pay for everything concerning the children. He does and sees everything else.
So I don't know if I am being obsessive and greedy. I am 45 (h is 57) and feel that the position I am in is childlike. It's not really about the money but about feeling that h and I are equals and both in control of our lives together. At the moment I feel that he is in control (though he is not mean with money when he has it iyswim).
I also don't know if I am being morbid or if that is a symptom of not having enough purpose in life. H has recently been getting these weird symptoms where he is driving somewhere and no longer recognises streets that he is familiar with (he is now taking vitamin B12 - one of the symptoms of deficiency is memory loss and h has been a vegetarian all his life which makes it even more likely that he is deficient). Things like this make you realise that anything could happen at any time.
The other thing that I find difficult and I suppose they are connected, is the fact that, in the end, big decisions like whether we move or not and where to, are in h's hands (eg. he chose our last family car without consulting me). We spoke about that yesterday and he said yes, he does conduct his life on his own. I asked him what my place was in all of this and he said whatever I wanted it to be.
So now I feel that h and I can be together if I accept that my life may be in complete and utter disarray if he dies (despite the fact that he could set up something more secure for me and the kids if he wanted to), and that we never move from this house unless we move where he wants to go.
I FEEL SUFFOCATED AND ODDLY POINTLESS/REDUNDANT!!! Am I being greedy, grasping and or unreasonable? Should I just be more buddhist about all of it and be grateful that we have a roof over our head (which I am, very)?