to have a third baby when my parents strongly disapprove.

[catsdogsandbabies]

I know most people will say it is non of their business and you are right. They do very little childcare of my 3 and 1 year old. However they are the passive aggressive types and I know would think having 3 is ridiculous. We can afford it ( although private school might be out the window) but I had mild PND with my last and DH works abroad/long hours. I always feel they don't think I can cope. But I am more aware this time and if DH abroad I would get a mother's help if I need to (no other family support). My mum is very disapproving of life choices that she wouldn't make herself. All my life I have felt a bit disapproved of and not allowed to be 'myself' as that doesn't suit (a bit 'what would the neighbours think' type thing).
If I do have a third how do I cope with the passive aggressive disapproval and 'poor DS1 and DS2' comments I am bound to get. Has anyone had this? I would not stop her coming to see us as the boys adore her. Help!

Well I had a third despite my father's obvious disapproval. He was right -having a third puts more pressure on and reduces time with each child. She's wonderful though and we wouldn't be without her and the world would be a poorer place without her. My Dad adores her too.

Why would they think it was ridiculous? Because your DH is away a lot? Because you wouldn't afford private school? Because they think you wouldn't be able to manage?

If you really want a third child, then do it. It's not their decision, and if they can't at least be civil about it, then cut them out - you don't need that kind of negativity. If you really can't cut them out, become a broken record - "this is my choice, not yours."

Break away from trying to please them, and make yourself happy instead. Believe me, it's an amazing feeling (have similar parents, though one is less passive and more aggressive)

I would be getting a mothers help/cleaner and any other help you might need now, before you make your decision and see if that is the lifestyle you want. Do not wait to look needy, do it whilst you are coping. Then decide.

It is a decision for you and your husband.

I had disapproval when I chose to have a second!
It was all " oh poor DD1 how will she cope with a sibling when she's had you all to herself all this time,and are you sure about this it will be a massive shock for her!!"
She was 8 at the time
Of course she was fine and it was the best thing I ever did, if you feel you want another baby I don't think that feeling will ever leave you and you defiantly should. Its nothing to do with anyone else and your parents should feel blessed you are able to produce grandchildren for them to enjoy.

My Mother is the same.

I had three children and chose to be a SAHM.

It took the birth of my second child and gaining confidence to challenge her.

Don't use PA back, or sarcasm.

Challenge the remarks by questioning them and working through the meaning.

Stick by the premis that you are bothered by the remarks, so you should be respected and they shouldn't happen.

Don't have your feelings minimised.

It may cause a falling out, but their behaviour is wrong.

maybe ur mom worries abt the medical side.i have 5 dc & my mom was not happy abt having anymore than 2 (prob because she had 2 dc & couldnt have coped with more).me & my dh dont rely on my dp for any child care because i am sahm.if u think u can cope go for it & prove her wrong.

YANBU. I did the same with numbers 3, 4 and 5! They were a bit funny (actually they really upset me) but soon came round and think the world of them. It's your life, have as many as you want.

YANBU. I did the same with numbers 3, 4 and 5! They were a bit funny (actually they really upset me) but soon came round and think the world of them. It's your life, have as many as you want.

YANBU. I did the same with numbers 3, 4 and 5! They were a bit funny (actually they really upset me) but soon came round and think the world of them. It's your life, have as many as you want.

I've had a lot of this from my parents. They made their disapproval quite clear when I announced I was expecting DS3, and my DF actually had the nerve to assume the pregnancy was unplanned and said: "Oh dear, Drama, you obviously weren't being careful enough. Oh well, I suppose mistakes can happen at any time" . He actually refused to speak to me for a month when I told him we'd planned it & that it was none of his business anyway.

There have been plenty of passive aggressive comments along the way, many of which have been very hurtful. Over the years I have learned to stand up for myself and call them on it - which doesn't go down well, but I won't let them bully me.

Like yours, mine are very disapproving of life choices they wouldn't make themselves. I think they were also concerned about how I would manage with three DC because my mother only had two and at times really struggled to cope. She couldn't imagine having to take care of three, and was worried about me.

On the upside, once DS3 arrived they adored him as much as they do the others. They have never been "hands on" grandparents though, which actually suits me just fine.

I managed OK with three DC without family support. Like you my DH was working long hours and was often abroad. I was lucky because I had a good group of friends locally & we all supported each other.

All you can do is go for it if it's what you want, and ignore any nasty comments as much as you can. Only you can know what is right for your family. I wouldn't tell them you are trying, just present them with a fait accompli & they will have to get used to it.

Oops very sorry for my triple posts! Stupid phone!!

It's absolutely nothing to do with them, if you want a 3rd child, have one and ignore them - but that's very easy to do. We have similar issues with MiL.

She is very opinionated when other people choose to do things differently from her and is very vocal with it. We get it in the neck for things we choose to spend our money on and how we raise our children. DH finds her quite hard to deal with, to the point he asked me to hide my iPad when she was here for a recent visit because he couldn't face the inevitable lecture about wasting money/disapproval of modern technology.

Can you just repeat "it's ok, we've taken X/Y/Z into account" every time they start?

Oops, second line should have said "that's very easy to say".

Thanks so much. I agree I need to detach and stop with the trying to please. My mum is a shy and incredibly anxious person and anything anyone does that is not 'safe' is considered crazy. A lot of it comes from her constant worry. I spent a lot of my growing up feeling terrible for making her worry. I need to tell myself that I am not responsible for her feelings. Easier said than done. In answer to a question I think the disapproval would come from the lack of time for the others, money, and my ability to cope as she wouldn't be able to. I also work which she disapproves of. It is draining constantly doing things that they (particularly she) think is wrong. Thanks so much for taking time to respond.

Stinkle - similar here - for example if someone on tv has bright coloured hair or wears something she thinks is awful then immediate judgement. Like everyone who does anything but be a SAHM to 2 children and have dull hair and clothes is wrong! And she reads the daily mail!!!

Acknowledge the disapproval - 'I understand you don't agree with us' - State its your choice 'However this is what we have decided for us' and move on - 'Is not up for discussion but thanks for your concern' - repeat and DO NOT get into a conversation or start explanations or trying to answer their objections. I would only do this after a few goes at explaining and discussing it and in the face of it becoming interference .

If she was content with her own life choices she wouldn't care so much what the neighbours think or whether you chose to do your own thing. Can you just put it down to her inadequacies and big yourself up inside for being strong enough to override that insecure bullshit and do what makes you happy, even (or especially) if it's challenging?

My neighbour's parents are like your mum, and it astonishes me how she has to worry whether her mum will approve of what she does aged 46. Fuck that. The baseline has to be that no one knows the right way to parent - your DM in particular - so while her unconditional support would be welcome, the disapproval is meaningless. If she starts up, I'd suggest she finds something more fulfilling to do in her remaining years on earth.

Good plan about the mother's help btw. I was going to say, in your position I'd sod the private school and blow any savings on a nanny or a significant amount of other help to through the early days with DC3 and the periods when your DH was away. Other people's family help out so there's no reason for you to struggle alone just to prove you can cope. Get all the help you need and banish DM's negativity from your mind as much as humanly possible.

If you found it hard to cope last time I can understand why your parents are concerned. But it's your choice in the end.

Sorry, just saw your post about her worry. Do you think she needs help for her anxieties? It's really not normal to worry to that extent. As for disapproving of you working, well, that says it all. I know it must be hard, but you can't take her concerns on board. Do like Mellow says.

Not me personally, but my very good friend has had disapproval from her parents with every pregnancy too.

DD1 - Too young, still live in a flat (they should have waited until they could afford at least a 3 bed house with garden apparently).

DD2 - Poor DD1, how unfair on her - how will you afford X school for two? (a local prep school, which was never on the cards for either DC anyway!).

DS1 - Where will he sleep? (Now in a 3 bed house with garden but obviously every child needs their own bedroom). How will you cope with 3? How can you afford 3? Poor DD2 being forced to be a middle child.

DD3 - Furious strop-off & silence for a month or so.

DS2 - Purely selfish. 5 children in a 3 bed house is akin to child abuse. SS will have them on "the list".

I should probably add that friend's DH works long hours & varying shifts but earns a very decent wage, so there is no financial reason to not have DCs. There is absolutely nothing going on that would be remotely of interest to SS - both parents cope brilliantly with 5 DCs (I wouldn't!) & they are a very happy, well cared for family.

Friend's parents decided to stop at 2 DCs themselves because they could "only afford" a 4 bed house and "everyone should have a room for guests". (Which is fine by the way, I am not criticising that choice at all).

This is similar to people who are put under pressure to give (or not give) their DCs certain names by their parents. They have had their turn at making a family & they got to make their decisions on numbers then. Now it's your turn, and your decision!

ah, mine also think there's their way and the wrong way. Anyone taking a different choice to theirs is deemed to be either incredibly stupid and to be pitied/have some sense talked into them, or to be directly insulting my parents' choices.

I have learned to not discuss things with them until it's out of the planning stage - so not "we're planning a 3rd baby" but "We've got great news, I'm pregnant" (ideally having had the 12 week scan, or if you lose the baby you'll probably hear 'it's for the best') .

And mainly when parents are like this, you just have to minimise their access to your life - shitty as they miss out, but if there's another way that works, I've not found it.

Oh and I also grew up feeling it was terribly important my mother wasn't upset by anything, I'm still finding it hard in my mid-30s to not prioritise her emotions and talks with my DB are hard because he still believes her feelings need to be protected at all times. but you know, I discovered my mum isn't a delicate flower (anymore htan I am) and I bet your mum would cope fine. The fact that "she worries" is a way of controlling you all, you have to behave the way she/your dad would like, because otherwise she'll get upset and that will be your fault, not her fault for over-reacting.

It's ok to do what's best for you even if it upsets your mum. Getting wound up about perfectly normal behaviour (like having a 3rd DC), is her choice. You are both adults, her feelings are not more important than yours.

Having a third child in the current climate of judging IS ridiculous. I love being ridiculous!!!!

Have a third, because you want to and because you'll finally be able to break away from your mother's ability to have enough in common with you to have an opinion.

What I find really wearing is that she always turns these pretty minor disagreements into huge great dramas revolving around her.

For example, the iPad thing - "what if DH loses his job/the house falls down/the stock market crashes/etc and you've wasted all that money on an iPad, you might have to go bankrupt, I can't afford to bail you out, oh, I'm so worried! I'll never be able to sleep again and I might have a heart attack", etc, etc.

Smacking caused a huge rumpus - we don't smack, she was a smacker - every chance she gets MIL makes a dig about this and then turns it into a drama "oh, what if they end up in prison? I'm so worried! I won't sleep again! I might have a heart attack"

Have a 3rd if you want to, it's your decision.

PS I think your mum and mine would get on very well together