to have a third baby when my parents strongly disapprove.

[catsdogsandbabies]

I know most people will say it is non of their business and you are right. They do very little childcare of my 3 and 1 year old. However they are the passive aggressive types and I know would think having 3 is ridiculous. We can afford it ( although private school might be out the window) but I had mild PND with my last and DH works abroad/long hours. I always feel they don't think I can cope. But I am more aware this time and if DH abroad I would get a mother's help if I need to (no other family support). My mum is very disapproving of life choices that she wouldn't make herself. All my life I have felt a bit disapproved of and not allowed to be 'myself' as that doesn't suit (a bit 'what would the neighbours think' type thing).
If I do have a third how do I cope with the passive aggressive disapproval and 'poor DS1 and DS2' comments I am bound to get. Has anyone had this? I would not stop her coming to see us as the boys adore her. Help!

Smacking caused a huge rumpus - we don't smack, she was a smacker - every chance she gets MIL makes a dig about this and then turns it into a drama "oh, what if they end up in prison? I'm so worried! I won't sleep again! I might have a heart attack"

She sounds like Mrs Bennet

The only thing my two grandmothers agreed on was that my parents shouldn't have a third child. I'm the fourth. To be fair, neither of us were planned as mum seemed to have bad luck with contraception. One of their arguments was that the older two wouldn't be able to have horse riding lessons even though both of them are very allergic to horses.

Money was tight but I don't think either of my parents regret it (although dad did struggle with the idea until he held my sister in his arms). Of course, I'm thrilled or I wouldn't be here!

If you're not expecting them to help you then I think you really need to go for it if you want it. I do understand where you're coming from though as I hate going against my parents ideas even though I know they didn't do as their parents wanted all the time.

"oh dear mum, I am sorry you think you wouldn't have coped with three children"

I had this with every pg with at least one of the GP and wider family. They give us no help and that been true even when unexpected stuff outside our control has hit us.

If it looks like they might try and take a disproving approach once DC are here - favouritism of separating one DC out of thing - stop it immediately and in no uncertain terms. We did - and the family now behaves well with all three of our DC.

Oddly though , as they all were against DC3 for us and did say nasty things ,my parents want us to have a fourth - as they want a young GC again but as DH says they hardly bother with the ones we have so why?

IL are odder - they hid the cot we were getting rid of in a visit up in our loft where it's a struggle to get it down despite it being broken – apparently we might decide to have a fourth. Oddly MIL never missed a chance to try and talk me into getting sterilised – never DH – though then often reminds DH he could have another family with someone else in the future.

My own mother is very anxious when we do anything other than stop in the house with the DC watching TV – and has to share it all with me. I do feel she tries to control my actions with her worries that and she is very negative if I study or go out socially as I’m now a mother and persuably no longer a person.

I did find 3DC very hard at times - but thankful we do have three in the end. I've also found the disapporval ususally moves on to other topics as well.

And mainly when parents are like this, you just have to minimise their access to your life - shitty as they miss out, but if there's another way that works, I've not found it.

This is what I do with my parents as much as possible.

I've no idea what DH tell his parents but I do get blamed for any decsion they don't like even if it's nothing to do with me or more usual a joint one - DH has tried to stop this but with limited success.

Oddly MIL never missed a chance to try and talk me into getting sterilised – never DH – though then often reminds DH he could have another family with someone else in the future.

Holy shit, Lemon, how do you not throw something at them?

Oddly MIL never missed a chance to try and talk me into getting sterilised – never DH – though then often reminds DH he could have another family with someone else in the future.

I would have told her that DH was getting the snip, and watch her head explode.

I had this with my DM from my 2nd pg onwards. I was the first to give them a grandchild and when I told her I was pg she was over the moon. I had my DD who she adored and the next year, my Dsis had her DD.

She did a lot of childcare for my sister as her DH left her before her DD was 1 and she needed to go back to work. I am a SAHM so I didn't need much childcare from her. As a result my niece is far closer than my DD to her.

When I announced my 2nd pg, she was really off with me for months and never talked about the pg to me at all until I was about 6 months and then she was fine. DS1 arrived and she thinks he is great, although again she didn't look after him much as she still had my niece quite a lot.

She found out that I was planning a 3rd and after that took every opportunity to tell me a story about a friend who had had 3 dc and how they didn't get on/marriage split/DH lost his job and they had to sleep in a cardboard box/middle child exploded etc etc. When I first announced the pg, she was funny again for at least the first 3 or 4 months.

I eventually had my 3rd and again she thought he was lovely. Now her and my DF have both retired and they are regularly popping round to pick DS2 up and they have him all day.

It's not as brazen an blatant it sounds written down.

It's often a sneak attack - after a period of her being nice or helpful then it will just be the two of us and she start on the sterilisation thing - for my benefit and health obviously. Then not long later their WILL will be brought up again with DH there and she'll go on and on about how they left it a bit to DH children not named individually - but then DH could go off and have a new family LemonSquares as that's very common - FIL might or might not say or we could have more depends if DC. She makes it sound part of a conversation.

I tend to alternate between laughing and telling her to mind her own. DH doesn't like me upset but tends to think it's funny and think the sterilising is because she did it as soon as they would let her and that she isn’t devious just unthinking.

Funiily enough they don't vist as often as they would like - as we are so busy all the time - we are busy but there also how much can we take.

My mum is a shy and incredibly anxious person and anything anyone does that is not 'safe' is considered crazy. A lot of it comes from her constant worry. I spent a lot of my growing up feeling terrible for making her worry. I need to tell myself that I am not responsible for her feelings.

May I direct you to this thread re anxious mothers?

Don't let the fact your mother is basically nice and that you feel sympathy for her anxiety inhibit you from putting in some healthy boundaries. Doesn't mean a confrontation but once you've made your decision (whatever it is) there has to be a limit on how much your parents get to express their disapproval. By all means reduce the time you spend with them, too.

I would have told her that DH was getting the snip, and watch her head explode.

Did that - she just went very quiet and said well that's up to him.

Second time I did it I went on about how it was easier for men to get sterilised - she said she didn't believe that and she'd had no ill effects when she was sterilised therefore I wouldn't .

Neither of us wants to be sterilised - we happyish with the contraception we are using and if we weren't I wouldn't talk to her about it - we don't have that kind of relationship so when I first started complaining to DH he was a bit disbelieving and I think he did have a word at one point – though he would have avoided trying to like the plague.

Another DC wouldn't be planned but wouldn't be the end of the world for us - told her that as well as has DH which made her go quiet again.

I'm taking approach now of refusing to discuss by walking out room and finding DC or DH immediately - probably should have down that right away but kept getting blind sided - I was relaxed and we'd be getting on well or I'd be in the middle of a task.

My father's blood tests have to be at specific intervals and early, so they are available for the consultant appointment later. He is not a naturally early riser these days, and finds the whole thing an annoying chore.

We're only having two but I like to wind my MIL up with talk of a third. She always says "Oh no, don't have a THIRD. I'd never cope."

She lives thousands of miles away so is hardly first port of call for childcare.

I can understand if she is worried about your health or finances, but this sounds more like boundary/control issues. Really, you are an adult and she should respect your decisions. It's worth having a few bright & breezy phrases ready to trot out if she starts commenting on anything you do. Well, it's my life, not yours etc.

When we announced I was pregnant with DC3, my FIL involuntarily said "Oh no!". He saw no need for any more than 2 children and couldn't believe that we were crazy enough to PLAN for a 3rd child. I was totally unprepared for his reaction and didn't know what to say!

I do the same ThaneOfScunthorpe! Much winding up about the next one. Why he is bothered I just don't know. He disappears to reads the paper or play sport or watch TV every time we see them (which is only every 2-3 months).

It's petty but satisfying. My MIL has four children, too!

Why people think they can have a say in a sensible, grown woman's reproduction I can only guess.

Oh god I am so glad I'm not the only person with a mother like this. I've had it over so many things- either judgment or worry, depending on the situation.

No you can't go on the shool trip because your father is away on business that week and what if a burglar breaks into the house when I'm there alone?

Oh no you can't go on holiday for 10 days with your own money after finishing your masters degree. What if you never find a job and it was all because you missed that week of job hunting? I'm so worried. How can you do this to me?

No you can't marry this perfectly lovely man who earns a good salary and has kind and responsible. Oh I'm so upset, you've ruined Christmas by announcing your engagement.

Oh no, that career is beneath you, here we've got you work experience in a shitty paid trendy mediah job that you don't want instead.

Oh you can't move more than 5 minutes away from me, I'm so upset and worried.

And only at the age of 32 am I even starting to be able to separate my own self esteem from her judgment and irrational worries.

I don't have kids yet but she's never missed an opportunity to tell me that I must only have 1 and they must go to private school.

The other night I very calmly told her that we are still thinking of moving away, I want two children, and well never be able to afford the fees.

It feels good. Even a year ago I had internalised her opinion so much that fear of her judgment was at least half of my reason for most decisions.

Thanks so much everyone. Glad I am not alone. Woozlebear - identify with all yours- I went I a school trip when I was 11 and didn't call her ask was having great time. Silent treatment on my return!
This very week I have been offered one day a week work for loads of money and finish at 3 to pick up boys.
Proud of me? No, just 'I'm so worried you've taken on too much'.
I will check out that thread too - thanks to that poster (sorry can't put name as on phone so can't scroll up again).
I need to take control as remember her worries are just that - hers, not mine to sort out.
When I moved to London after Uni she had total tears etc as it was such a dangerous place etc, she puts a downer on everything in that way. I think her attitude stopped me doing things like travelling as she would never even go on a plane. I swear if my boys announce a gap year in somewhere exotic I will encourage and keep fears and worries to myself.
I do want a third and I only had trouble after number 2 when DH went to Australia when DS2 was 6 weeks. In hindsight hiring help then would have prevented that.
Thanks so much. Repeat to self 'I am not responsible for her happiness'!

I think we are all guilty of desperately trying to keep people we love happy as well as trying to prove to then we are coping/doing well in life etc etc.
I am v guilty of both these things. In some ways I feel the reverse with my own mum who had 4kids under the age of 6. I almost feel like a failure fir not rushing to have another when DS is 18months old.
But in moments of sanity you have to remember it us your life. You live it the way you like. Have another babywhen you are ready. NNo one else can tell you otherwise. And surepy uf you weren't going to cope you wouldn't be considering it in the first place!!?
I'm sure your mum is just misguidingly looking out for you. Tis just a shame they can't blinking hear themselves before they speak sonetimes.
And frankly do you want to take the advice of a DM reader seriously!?! All easier said than done but remember you are an adult too now.

Ps- dare you to dye your hair purple and wear "hippy" clothing and declare you have decided to move to kualalumpur on aannouncing your 3rd pg. Just forvfull effect x

just repeat, "my uterus is not your concern" and refuse to discuss

It works for me :)

Stinkle

"I'm so worried! I won't sleep again! I might have a heart attack"

I don't think I could keep a straight face if someone said that to me.

Good advice allnight, and I did as a teen dye my hair bright red and have my ears pierced. You can imagine how that went! Being a teen was hard when anything out of the ordinary was unacceptable.
I often had the 'I couldn't sleep at all
for worry about you for xxxx reasons'. When in my early thirties I got a third cat and she cried and ranted as it was 'obvious I would never have a baby if I keep getting all these pets'!
Good advice here. Need to lose the guilt and actually be myself. Only taken me 36 years!

Thinking positively, if you already find there general disapproval level draining, maybe the increase in disapproval if you have a third child won't actually be that much worse because there is so much disapproval already?

Maybe they have a set capacity for disapproval which they will expend everyday whatever you do?

Perhaps the experience could be freeing. You have the third child, realise that they are not actually capable of disapproving any more and the whole family joins the circus!

merry, you're right.

My mother oozes disapproval like sap. She disapproved of me starting a family young, disapproved of 2nd preg, disapproved of 3rd preg, disapproved of me getting a dog, disapproved of us moving out of london, disapproved of me leaving an unhappy marriage, disapproved of me moving to a different village, disapproved of my 2nd husband and now - horrors - i've had a 4th child

I have come to feel sorry for her in a way - she must be exhausted, and surely nearly all disapproved out!