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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want report this boy to the police?

101 replies

macdoodle · 11/05/2014 18:47

Or at least the school....
DD1 is 12 in Year 7. As they do, she chats on FB/BBM/instagram. I know all her passwords, but she tends to show me anything she is worried about.
She showed me a message from a Year 11 boy on BBM (so he is 15/16, and must be closer to 16 if not already).
She says she knows him to say hi.
He says "hi", "do you send photos", she says "no", he says "ah loool why not", she says "its very disrespectful, and I have more respect for myself", he says "ok looool".
We talked about it, and apparantly lots of the boys ask for "photos", she is clear these are explicit photos of "boobs, bums and fannies" Shock. And even more shocking, some girls do send them.....some of her friends in Year 8 do.
I am furious. I'd quite like to go round and smack his face. Luckily DD1 is smart and confident and obviously taken on board things we have discussed, but clearly other more vulnerable girls havent.
I have told her that what he is doing is illegal especially with much younger girls like her, and that I should report him to to police or at least the school (though I appreciate as this is happening outside school they may not want to know). She has begged me not to, says they will know its her and it will ruin her life. I am worried if I do, I will ruin our very good trusting relationship and she will never share anything with me again :(

OP posts:
adoptmama · 11/05/2014 20:04

ICanSeeTheSun I know that from what has been said on BBM there is not grounds for them to walk into his house. But from talking to the girl, from establishing their are other children involved and from interviewing them, from interviewing the boy etc. they will establish if there are sufficient legal grounds for them to legally look into his accounts. In addition they do not need to see his digital devices to see what he has been sent or what he has texted as this information will be stored in the phones/computers of those he is communicating with.

Yoruba · 11/05/2014 20:07

Adopt - I'm not sure police will take it that seriously if there is no mention of naked anywhere. From what OP has said I'm not even sure the boy isn't getting blamed for something just because DD has said everyone does it. That doesn't necessarily mean he does or was. I admit it looks suspicious but there's not enough evidence to take it any further IMO. I'm not a policeman and may well be wrong but to present that as a "legal fact" is dubious. Although I agree this is just as serious as you say I'm not convinced there's enough evidence to do anything.

Joules68 · 11/05/2014 20:08

Well yes, some teen girls willingly do this and seek out boys to send the pics to.

How come we must not blame the girls but fully blame the boys? Hmm

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/05/2014 20:10

You think a 12/13 yr old girl would send unsolicited explicit photos and she should be blamed Shock
Not any teenage girls I know, do you have teenage girls??

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 11/05/2014 20:11

Going by your logic the girls who send these pictures are breaking the law themselves.

This 15/16 may not have even been after a naked picture, not all teens follow the same trends

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/05/2014 20:12

I'm pretty sure he didnt want photos of her pretty face, as beautiful as she is!

OP posts:
Joules68 · 11/05/2014 20:23

Yes I have 3 teens, girls and a boy. It's happened in their friendship circles. Some girls are very much up for it! Why, did you actually think it's ALL the boys fault and every girl has to be forced and coerced into it?

School here have done assemblies. Not aware of any police involvement. But

Nicknacky · 11/05/2014 20:24

Adopt, you are getting way ahead of yourself. Based on this conversation in all likelihood there would be no investigation down on the scale you seem to think there would be.

Yes the complainers mobile/tablet etc would be looked at to see what was being said but for prosecution purposes or further investigative purposes, the suspects would require to be seized. And quite rightly, a court has to be convinced of the justification and proportionality of the offence before they will issue a warrant.

And also consider a text message may have the name "mark" (or whatever name) assigned to the number. But that doesn't prove it is Mark's phone number or Mark that sent the message iyswim. That's why the suspects devices would require to be examined.

And no way would one be issued on this.

defineme · 11/05/2014 20:29

Yes girls send unsolicited photos- as do boys. In this case the boy was in the wrong, but I've seen it the other way round (work in a school).
I don't think anyone should be blamed tbh-I think they're all victims of a porn obsessed society and need a lot of education about it.

adoptmama · 11/05/2014 20:36

3 circumstances we have had at schools I have worked in:

1 boy receiving unsolicited gay porn by phone and face book by a group at school bullying him. Parents reported it to school. School passed it to police. Police took his phone and subsequently formally interviewed the boys involved, with their parents present. Boy concerned left school as he was so devastated by the bullying.

group sexting in year 11. Reported to school by parent who saw their child's phone. Girl felt pressurised to supply pictures because 'everyone' was doing it. Police subsequently inteviewed a large number children involved. Nobody was singled out for blame and the interviews were much more designed to help children and their parents understand the potential consequences of their actions.

3rd situation was very similar to OPs. It resulted in a high profile case as the boys requesting the photos/video were still of school age but slightly older and the images were further distributed. I can only imagine the impact on the lives of the girls who had sent photos and the effect on their families.

So no, in my experience it is not at all 'getting ahead of myself' to imagine the police will interview over this. Whilst the BBM chat by itself is not that threatening, what has been happening aside from that (as the OP has stated) involving other young girls being solicited for explicit images is very serious. In my experience this is not something the police will ignore. Whether they are able to take an investigation further forward would not be something I would second guess on MN! That doesn't change the fact that, IME, they would take a complaint seriously if the parent or school invovled them.

teenagetantrums · 11/05/2014 20:41

YABU, she added him, they are both children, I have two older teenagers, its wrong but teenagers do send pictures, he asked , she said no, end of story, tell the school if you like im sure they know it happens anyway, the key here is teaching teenagers to say no, the same we we said no when boys wanted to go further with us in 'real life' than we wanted, you cant blame them for asking.

MrsWombat · 11/05/2014 20:44

Could you tell the school, in confidence, what your DD said about the year 8 girls sending photos? As it is hearsay they can't do anything direct, but could prompt general letters home and special assemblies?

Nicknacky · 11/05/2014 20:44

Adopt, your experience is coming from a school point of view and you will not be aware of the ins and outs of an investigation, and understandably so.

I investigate sex crimes amongst other crimes for a living and depone for warrants frequently.

If I am "interviewing" a suspect I have to be certain a crime has been committed and give them their rights in respect of that. I would not be detaining and interviewing a youth based on this conversation.

Having a word in their ear? Very probably if it was reported to me, but that is not interviewing someone and can obviously be beneficial in nipping something in the bud before it develops. I wouldn't need the same level of suspicion to do that.

Any in any offence I am investigation that involves telecoms, I would routinely seize both phones. I would get slated at court if I hadn't attempted to seize a suspects just because I had viewed the info on the complainers phone.

gotnotimeforthat · 11/05/2014 20:45

At risk of 'victim blaming'

Girls send these photos willingly, they are not forced in to it they CAN say NO.

They choose to accept or send friend requests. They choose to start or participate In a conversation and they choose wether to send photos or not.

If sombody is making you feel uncomfortable asking for photos you block and delete them it's a simple as that.

No matter how many times a guy might say ' send me a photo' he isn't forcing anyone to do it they take those photos willingly and they send them willingly. Obviously there are exceptions for this such as blackmailing etc.

Donnadoon · 11/05/2014 20:54

Been here
15/16 year old at ds's footy distributes photo of local 13 year old (she had sent to him)
All boys got a visit from the police and a good talking to
No arrests or charges
I actually think that a 13 year old girl and a 15 year old boy can have the same stupid maturity level sometimes
They need educating about the dangers
None of the boys realized it was illegal
And as for the poor poor silly girl, my heart broke for her
Tell the school for sure

Nicknacky · 11/05/2014 20:56

This problem is so widespread that I think it is unrealistic to expect every instance to be a police matter. Putting manpower issues aside you are risking criminalising youths for being curious. (Be clear, I am talking about "you show me yours" type pictures, not abuse or threats etc)

Like other posters have said, education is key.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 11/05/2014 21:33

If I'd have rang the police everytime a boy asked me for nudes in school I'd have probably known the whole station by first name.

I'd tell school who should in turn tell his parents.

weatherall · 11/05/2014 21:47

No wonder sexting is such a huge problem when so many parents have such a blase attitude to it!

OP you should definitely inform the school and the police about what you have heard about the other girls sharing explicit images.

OiYou · 11/05/2014 22:16

nd oi we can use the same words 'sleaze bag' and 'shitty perv' to describe the girls sending this filth.....can't we?

I am sure you would. I don't think the preteen girls are to blame for being pressured by older teenage shitty pervs to send pictures though.

And whoever said you just "Block them" and say no. It's that easy is it? God, some of you are out of touch.

Joules68 · 11/05/2014 22:23

Like others have said... Many girls are not pressurised but do so willingly. Nice eh?

And yes, it IS that easy to block..... Press if a button. If they want to that is

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2014 22:48

My eldest DS is now 22 but he says the girls at school would often ask boys to send 'dick pics' and they would send them on to their friends, mostly so they could ridicule the boys or compare sizes.

When he and his mates refused to send them, sometimes the girls would google pics of tiny dicks and pretend they were sent by the boys who refused (thankfully they didn't do it to my DS).

Sometimes the school/police could get to the bottom of it but often there was no proof of who sent what, because they'd claim to have left their phones unattended.

Nasty business all round Sad

Nicknacky · 11/05/2014 22:57

Christ, I'm glad I went to school all those years ago and didn't have this shite to deal with. Although I have it all to come with my daughters .

FrancesNiadova · 11/05/2014 23:00

If you ever see anything online that makes you question if it's right or not, report it to CEOP, & let them do the investigation & prosecute if necessary. CEOP also do some good information packs & clips for parents & children. Have a look on their site.

AgaPanthers · 11/05/2014 23:03

Oh FFS. You want to report a boy to the police for some vague words, but you are 'not prepared' to get into a discussion about your own, undeniably wrong, decision to et your daughter on facebook and god knows what else?

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/05/2014 23:07

Oh fuck off , undeniably wrong what because you say so.

OP posts: