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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude or is it just what people say?

100 replies

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 13:45

Today I told a mum at DS2's crèche that we are expecting DC3 in the autumn. Her first response was "Oh! Was it planned?". Nobody said this to me when we announced our first two but it has happened a few times now this time round. I wouldn't dream of saying this to anyone, I think it's quite rude. A simple "congratulations" would suffice IMO.

I am 40 by the way and I don't know her at all well, just to say hello to....

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 08/05/2014 22:49

Congratulations

No I don't think it's rude. People have a natural fascination with pregnancies labours and babies.

mysteryfairy · 08/05/2014 22:59

When I was expecting my third DC my older two were 6 and 5. A school mum with 2 DC coincidentally exactly the same ages as my DC told me she was expecting number 3. I'd like to go back in time 12 years to tell her the horror with which I reacted was all about the just found out about advent of my own DC3. It was me I was worried about going back to baby days and struggling with work, not you. I am still mortified by that conversation and honestly didn't mean to be rude, just blurted out what I was thinking but without helpfully confirming I was actually expecting too! Both our DC3, eventually born 5 days apart, are absolute treasures who, planned or otherwise, have made our families BTW.

noddingoff · 08/05/2014 23:07

Minty, if you're feeling bold you could answer, "Nope, but the ferry to England was cancelled the week we found out so we thought, what the hell, we may as well just keep it" and watch her face.

Original poster

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 23:17

Love it Nodding, will try to summon up the nerve
To say that to the next one; somehow feel there will be more!

OP posts:

mom2twoteens · 09/05/2014 00:40

Not rude, just making convo.. some people are over sensitive and look for issues with people, imho.

ditto

Don't look for offense when it's not meant.

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 09/05/2014 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 09/05/2014 02:06

Where I grew up, they ask a worse question, IMO, "Did you catch first time?". Urgh, just URGH! So rude.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/05/2014 02:24

It's the sort of question that I would never dream of asking, but - and the more I see of the world, the more I realise this - the way other people operate is often palpably different from the way I do.

I wouldn't take offence to such a question, even though it's absolutely not something I would ever ask of anyone else.

Our age gap was 18 months, and the only person who asked that exact question was my life-long BF, and given that we'd both had our first babies at the same time (and so she must've wondered what the hell we were on), I found it perfectly acceptable!

DC2 was planned. BF has only just popped out DC2 now, 5+ years later...

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/05/2014 06:56

Congratulations.
I wouldn't ask that question.
But I would think it. Even with a first baby.

Although I cannot imagine why anyone chooses to have more than two
I know that's ridiculous. And I know I don't need to imagine why. It's great that ppl have families of different sizes. I don't actually think that two is better than any other number. But I just assume that everyone wants two. Not one (although that would be easier) not three, four or six.
Two.

ZingWatermelon · 09/05/2014 07:38

Ams

coz we just can't stop shagging!

ZingWatermelon · 09/05/2014 07:40

and I think I will always want just onr more

but this time I'm really struggling so when I get broody we'll buy some chickens instead. or a puppy

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/05/2014 08:19

Zing
I knew you'd like my post
How's it going?

Ragwort · 09/05/2014 08:34

It is rude but I admit I have done it, a friend had one child and always made it absolutely clear that she did not want any more children - she then told me she was pregnant - in a rather sheepish way, not 'fantastic news - I'm having another baby' - I was totally shocked and I blurted it out without thinking .

I suppose it depends how it is announced - if you are really happy and excited about having a baby that usually comes across, but some people do mention it in a very off-hand way, another friend actually said 'thought we'd better get number 2 over and done with' .

Perhaps there should be some form of etiquette on how to announce a pregnancy .

Ragwort · 09/05/2014 08:35

TheReal Although I cannot imagine why anyone chooses to have more than two - actually I can never imagine why anyone chooses to have more than one .

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/05/2014 08:38

AlpacaLypse · 09/05/2014 08:43

I've always assumed that anyone who was visibly pregnant had planned to get to that point, but then I've always lived in naice Middle England where an unwanted pregnancy can terminated.

OP did you say you were in Ireland? Obviously that's a far more difficult option to take if you're in the Republic, if you can't afford to travel.

SomeSunnySunday · 09/05/2014 08:54

I am expecting DC3, not planned (but welcome) and wouldn't really mind being asked this (although would probably subject the questioner to a fairly detailed explanation my theory as to how our contraception failed). To be honest though the more common assumption I'm getting, from the very few people we've told, is that we decided to "try for a girl", and that really does irritate me.

Hazchem · 09/05/2014 08:57

My MIL asked me this when we announced my pregnancy with DS. We had been together for 5 years living together for 3!

It's rude. really rude.

The closest thing I've said to it was. Are you happy about it? A friend confided in me and she wasn't happy or excited and looked so sad. I guess in someways that could have been rude but she sounded devastated.

NobodyLivesHere · 09/05/2014 09:01

I will never forget the day I was out with dd1 aged 4, ds aged 2 and dd2 about 5 months and a lady in the street stopped me to ask if they all had the same dad. now, dd1 has really dark brown hair, ds is blonde and dd2 was going through her gingery phase at the time, but still WTAF??

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/05/2014 09:05

Some people just have no filter.

Melonbreath · 09/05/2014 09:05

No, usually I swallow or husband gives me a pearl necklace. He meant to come on my tits but I am such a good fuck he didn't manage to pull out in time.

Hehehehehehehehehehe

or no, it was an accident. I tripped and fell on partners erect penis. Clumsy me!

ZingWatermelon · 09/05/2014 09:06

Ragwort

or even one!

Original poster

MintyChops · 09/05/2014 16:20

To those saying "don't look for offence", I have already said that I am not looking to be offended......

I am in Ireland and perhaps that makes it an even weirder thing to ask given the fucked-up, illiberal situation that exists here but that's a whole other can of worms!

Melon, will use your pearl necklace line on the next unsuspecting punter who asks.

OP posts:

fingersonbuzzers · 09/05/2014 16:24

It's rude!

It's basically saying "oh, did you have a contraception mishap when you shagged your husband then or not?" So bloody personal!

My Dad asked me this when we told my parents I was pg with DC2 (when DC1 was about 18mo so not a tiny age gap or anything).

halfdrunktea · 09/05/2014 18:02

I have often wanted to ask this in the past but never dared - so to me it seems a bit rude, but probably wasn't meant as such.

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