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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude or is it just what people say?

100 replies

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 13:45

Today I told a mum at DS2's crèche that we are expecting DC3 in the autumn. Her first response was "Oh! Was it planned?". Nobody said this to me when we announced our first two but it has happened a few times now this time round. I wouldn't dream of saying this to anyone, I think it's quite rude. A simple "congratulations" would suffice IMO.

I am 40 by the way and I don't know her at all well, just to say hello to....

OP posts:

Burren · 08/05/2014 17:40

I was asked this by numerous people, from my SIL to a colleague's secretary to a woman at a bus stop, when I was pregnant with my first (and only) child aged 39. I think it's a completely fucking bizarre thing to ask someone, and I can't understand why anyone would imagine for a second it's an appropriate thing to ask a pregnant woman - essentially you are asking whether the child they are expecting is the result of a contraceptive mistake! Why would anyone believe they should be made privy to that information, for crying out loud?

So yes, it is rude, and yes it is 'something people say' - the two, unfortunately, aren't mutually exclusive. I doubt it's ever intended to be a consciously rude question, but then questions don't have to be consciously offensive on the part of the questioner to be rude.

Original poster

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 17:44

I'm in Ireland.... I just think I wouldn't really even ask a close friend if a pregnancy was planned so am a bit that relative strangers think it's an ok question. I am already getting the "you must be hoping for a girl" line as we have 2 boys. Perhaps it's inanity rather than rudeness......

OP posts:

struggling100 · 08/05/2014 17:48

I wonder whether you're getting this question this time around because you're adding to the global population - so people are seeing this in more political terms? (BTW, I don't have strong views about how many kids people have! I just know someone who once told me that people commented a lot on a third child, sometimes directly disapprovingly).

steff13 · 08/05/2014 17:50

I thought it was super-rude when my FIL asked my husband if our daughter was planned. I don't really care for my FIL, though, so it may be coloring my opinion on the matter.

My husband told him I had been on the pill, and FIL tried to convice him that it's not possible to get pregnant on the pill.

Original poster

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 17:57

Bloody hell!!!! Never occurred to me people might be judging based on our contribution to the global population..... Steff, your FIL sounds like a prize twat.

OP posts:

struggling100 · 08/05/2014 18:02

MintyChops - being outraged about other people's lives is practically a universal hobby of the British middle class!

DoItTooJulia · 08/05/2014 18:05

You need the employ the line: 'I don't answer personal questions'. My mum says it with a smile, I totally floors the person asking something rude.

ZingWatermelon · 08/05/2014 18:07

It's rude and it's nosey and I resent anyone asking this question.

and I find it offensive when the Gp asks - I believe it's a sly conversation starter to find out if the mother is unhappy about pg or perhaps wants to have an abortion.
I have been told it's code for "do you want to keep baby"?

absolutely disgusting

HolidayCriminal · 08/05/2014 18:10

I don't think it's rude, I think it's just a chitchat remark about the unexpected turns & twists of life.

But then I don't think there's anything wrong with unplanned babies as long as they're wanted. So why would there be any shame in unplanned in that case? Me, DH & most of our close relatives were unplanned.

I can't help but strongly suspect that people who find it a rude question, must also strongly believe that those of us who have unplanned children are some kind of miscreant.

ZingWatermelon · 08/05/2014 18:20

Holiday

why would you assume that?

ScarlettlovesRhett · 08/05/2014 18:27

Zing, because unplanned=feckless in some people's minds perhaps?

I'm just guessing - I would say 'happy accident' rather than unplanned though. (But I also don't find it a rude or intrusive question).

hairylittlegoblin · 08/05/2014 18:32

The best response I ever heard to this question came from a MNer who was quite young when she had her first DC and was asked this constantly: "Oh yes, we always planned to have children".

As someone with 2 'happy flukes' I always wished I'd thought of that one myself.

In answer to to your actual question I think it's really rude and would never ask. How would it ever be anyone's business but the couple themselves?

Original poster

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 18:36

Perhaps next person who says it to me I'll make a grimacing face and say "No, not at all, but what would you suggest we do?".

OP posts:

drinkingtea · 08/05/2014 18:38

2 different people said "Never mind, it can happen to anyone, you'll be fine" (well, words to that effect) to me when I announced DC3 - when I said it was planned, one of them went on to argue that I already had a boy and a girl, so why would I do that? I live in Germany and thought it was German directness, and that Brits would have just said congratulations... clearly not! :o

Pregnantagain7 · 08/05/2014 18:54

I get this all the time dc3 is 7 months and I'm 18 weeks pregnant with no4 my neighbour who I barely know actually said huh well that obviously wasn't planned!
Yes it bloody was actually, just happened slightly quicker than we thought it would!

thereisnoeleventeen · 08/05/2014 20:08

I didn't find the 'was it planed' question that rude when I was pg with DC3, but then I do know of quite a few people who had planned to stop at two and went on to have a 'bonus' baby'.

Personally if someone tells me that they are pg with 3, 4, 5 whatever then I do wish them congratulations! 4th time around the congratulations are really lovely because they are few and far between (and often only come from people who really get you, or from people who have 4 already!).

...anyway, congratulations OP, 3 is a fab number of DC's to have!

Linskibinski · 08/05/2014 20:30

Me and dh were talking about this very subject yesterday. He reminded me of the time I was pg with dc1 when we went into the village pub for lunch. I went to say hi to a friend sat nearby. A woman I barely knew in his crowd and dh had never met, asked me, Do you know who the father is? I've never been more shocked in my life and responded in a very polite yes I do thank you. It's the man I'm standing next to. I was too embarrassed and mortified to respond any other way. Dh was really mad and the rest of the crowd were sat giggling like 5 yr olds. Mortifying. Now I'm much older and wiser I'd have clocked her one in the chops. I was more of a laydee then

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 08/05/2014 20:44

People ask me this as I have dared to get pregnant when dd is a year. Rude. It has actually taken me aback.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 08/05/2014 20:45

Links i> WTAF!?

Linskibinski · 08/05/2014 20:52

keepon I know!!! She was pissed and I found out later 5 months pg herself without realising it. I wonder to this day if she knew who the father was!

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 08/05/2014 21:10

Haha! I have a feeling she did not...

TheHappyMonkey · 08/05/2014 21:20

I've asked this before. Only asked a friend when I had no idea they had been TTC (I know its none of my business but we usually tell each other stuff like that) I didn't know whether it was unexpected in which case I would be offering support to help her deal with the surprise of it all, or if it was planned in which case I would be all 'wahey, congratulations!.
I think I phrased it as 'you don't have to answer this if its too personal, but were you TTC?' I hope she didnt think I was being rude, it was just such a shock to find out she was pregnant I really didn't know whether to say 'oh dear, are you ok? how are you coping' etc or whether to rejoice!
If she had responded with something really sarcastic I probably would have been a bit taken aback.

StrawberryGashes · 08/05/2014 21:23

I'm pregnant with baby number 3 and already have one of each, I've been asked that question a lot, I can't believe people think this is an ok thing to ask. Of course it is rude.

Original poster

MintyChops · 08/05/2014 22:19

Linski!!!! That's terrible; massively, shockingly rude....

OP posts:

tmae · 08/05/2014 22:41

When I told my friend I was pregnant, she first asked "are you keeping it?" I'm married and have been with my partner for about 10 years (not that anyone who isn't should be asked this either! But it isn't like it was an out of the blue shock). She's lovely though and I'm not angry about it but was a bit shocked! x

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