Is this rude or is it just what people say?

[MintyChops]

Today I told a mum at DS2's crèche that we are expecting DC3 in the autumn. Her first response was "Oh! Was it planned?". Nobody said this to me when we announced our first two but it has happened a few times now this time round. I wouldn't dream of saying this to anyone, I think it's quite rude. A simple "congratulations" would suffice IMO.

I am 40 by the way and I don't know her at all well, just to say hello to....

I don't think it's rude. Weird what some people find rude.

I might think it as it's the case with the 2 couples I know who are on to number 3!

I got this A LOT. Dp and I are in our 20s with jobs and stuff but still 'young' and un married (together ages though!) but it wasn't planned and it's quite awkward saying "no not planned, we're excited though"

Dps dad said "no one's really planned anyway" which struck me as quite amusing!

There was a thread like this before and someone put "no, not planned. We were trying to do butt sex but we slipped!" I have been DYING to use this but haven't been brave enough!

I think it's a bit nosey but probably wasn't meant to be rude. There's a lot of sleep deprivation with parents of small dc and sometimes mouth engages before head.

I was asked this with my Dd3, I didn't think it was rude at all, just people showing an interest or maybe just making conversation. I normally responded with yes, planned this time but Dd1 was a bit of a surprise!

And of course:

"Do you want a boy or a girl?"
"Yes"

I don't think it's rude. People just don't want to upset someone. Not much point congratulating someone if they are upset with a surprise pregnancy and then again not much help being sympathetic if the pregnant person is delighted to be pregnant.

A friend of mine asked me whether it was congratulations or commiserations that were in order

I got it quite a lot when I was pregnant with dd3 - I never remember hearing it when I was pregnant with my first two.

Slightly pales in comparison to the parents who commiserated with me after I had dd3 - apparently I could still try for a son! That got a quick "catch yourself on & don't be a dick" retort.

You could just say that you're not that keen on either of the first two?

When I was pregnant with dc2 my midwife said, oh no! Just when you lost all that weight! Everyone else asked what I was going to do with dcs when I went back to work?? I told everyone I was planning on leaving them both at home with the dog.

Ok, maybe more thoughtless/ casting about for something to say.

I'm not looking to be offended by the way!

Are you in the South by any chance? Up here you get comments like that all the time

I don't think it's necessarily rude. Maybe people ask that so they know whether to congratulate or sympathise, esp if the person announcing their pregnancy has a young child, or several children already. I tend to congratulate and then check whether it is in fact congratulations which are required or if I need to commiserate with them! Although I only do that with friends, not acquaintances or virtual strangers.

Congratulations on your happy news MintyChops

I'd say it was rude regardless of whether it was intended that way

By asking if it was planned you are implying that the pregnancy might be a negative thing, that you disapprove of the pregnancy for some reason, or that you think the pregnant person might be a bit feckless.

If the person telling you she's pregnant feels ambivalent about it, she'll tell you that or not - her choice

.. mind you, I wouldn't be massively offended (not that you are, OP). I'd just think the person saying it was a bit foot-in-mouth

I was asked this by DP witch of an aunt when she visited a few days after DS was born.

Except it was 'did you both plan this?' We had been living together for years but his family dislike me. I'd not been on mumsnet long but I did manage a 'did you mean to sound so rude' but I still get angry that I didn't question what she was insinuating.

Rude and intrusive, but sadly fairly normal. How about a smile and a "why do you ask?"?

when a friend told me she was expecting no. 4, and we'd had our 3 at the same time i was horrified. i could barely cope with three, couldn't imagine coping with 4. i just looked shocked.

she must have thought i was absolutely awful and rude.

it's just because i was thinking of it from my point of view. she's very happy with her 4 and wouldn't have it any other way.

I got it even with DS who is an only. And I was 33 and married at the time so hardly surprising!

I did say to one particularly irritating person 'I'm sorry, are you asking about my method of birth control, or just about my sex life in general?' But they were being really nosy and pushy.

I've said this to a friend (it may have been phrased "was it a surprise?"). I only asked because she had just finished giving away all her old baby stuff.
It was a surprise for them - a welcome one, but still unexpected.

undercurrent. I think that's fine - a good friend

It's rude, along with "Didn't you ever want another?"

Fuck off is the correct response!

When I told people I was having twins more than one person asked if it was through IVF which I did think rather a more personal question than necessary.

Ha. My Mum asked me that when I told her about DC1 when I was 40. But that's just my Mum...

I got that too, and when DS2 was born I got big smiles and oh what did you have? And I would say proudly another boy and they would grunt and say are you going to try for a girl next?