To be jealous of my husband....

[Writerwannabe83]

I've had 4.5 hours of broken sleep in the last 24 hours and have been up most of the night with our poorly baby....I'm exhausted.

He on the other hands gets to spend half the night in the spare room every night for 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and also gets to go to work to escape the physically draining task of looking after a baby all day

Every time he he tells me he's tired and pulls a 'woe is me' face I feel like saying, "Well I'm a lot more f*king tired than you are!!"

And breathe......

Thing is he obviously means it when he says relax, he just has no clue that its impossible with a little one without help!You could always get a blackboard and start counting every time he says we or leaves nappies on the floor in fives. Eventually he'll ask what the mysterious counting is for and you can tell him!

My DP is the same with the dishwasher. Would rather leave the dirty dishes all around the blasted thing than actually put them in it! Maybe its a kind of new mum OCD - if we could explain it to them that way, as a medical syndrome of some sort, they might finally get it into their noggins to tidy up after themselves as they go along. That or start putting the nappies in their sports bag till they get the idea.

And as for this strange relaxing notion…. hmmm, why not play up to it? Order yourself a lovely box of chocs and fluffy slippers online and quite literally have your feet up when he comes home?

You know, thinking about it, I don't know what I found/find so difficult about vocalising the need for help and getting him to agree to a jointly understood routine and way of doing things. I suppose it stunned me he didn't think the same way - see what obviously needed to be done, and what needed to be done repeatedly so was worth working out a system for. It's all very reasonable stuff in theory, but for some reason in I couldn't / kind of almost still can't approach it calmly, it's like 0 - 100, 100 being white hot rage. If I mentioned it I was sure I'd be screaming like a harpy. That could just be me though .

Things I wish I'd asked for;
Dp taking dd off me for 10mins as soon as he came home
Dp to wash / sterilise the bottles! Don't leave it to me every time!
Dp to change the sterilising solution, ever!
Dp to also make sure the flask had boiled water in it for next feed.
(DD was EBF & formula fed for first 4 1/2 months (undiagnosed tongue tie), so I used to boil water, let it cool a bit and then keep it in a flask so it was always the right temperature when I needed to mix up some formula.
Dp to take baby for a wee walk and let me have a bath/shower without me having to ask and him tell me I didn't have to ask when in fact I did every time!
Dp to hoover, for the love of god, just hoover

…….and breathe!

Writer, I think perhaps you need to stop screaming stuff in your head and just say it out loud. Presumably your DP isn't a mind reader.

And take him at his word, go to bed with your baby for the day. You should manage to grab at least some sleep.

On several occasions I didn't think it, I said It, with a big loud FUCKiNG in there. Along with how many hours uninterrupted sleep I'd had during the same time period. We're not an argumentative couple and I'm not a sweary person. He got the message. I don't advocate losing your rag and swearing but I don't feel any remorse. There are better ways to express yourself ;)

I have only ever swore at him once at about 3am in the morning when we were arguing about breastfeeding. It also involved me storming out the bedroom and going to sit in the living room

He's got DS at the moment and I've had a lovely hour to myself to shower, have breakfast and a cup if tea....absolute luxury!! He's now told me to just relax and go and catch up on my TV programmes so I'm relaxed on the sofa watching Holby City whilst he's upstairs entertaining DS

So you're both tired. Welcome to life. As already stated, it's not a contest.

The difference is that I accept that new parenthood is tiring because babies don't sleep during the night whereas DH acts like me and DS are in some kind of conspiracy to keep him awake.

I've been up with the baby for 45 minutes now and DH has passed comment on how my feeding technique isn't the best as the noise of DS feeding is keeping him awake. The swinging of Nursing Chair is too loud as well apparently. He has also been asking, "Why is he still awake?!" - so I'm clearly failing in my role to magically make DS sleep. DH keeps drifting off next me but when he does stir amongst his snores he's reminding me again how tired he is.

One day I'd love him to say, "Ok Writer, you've fed him so why don't you hand him over to me, I'll wind him and settle him and you go get some sleep in the spare room." yeah right

I've been up with the baby for 45 minutes now and DH has passed comment on how my feeding technique isn't the best as the noise of DS feeding is keeping him awake. The swinging of Nursing Chair is too loud as well apparently.. I will come round and bury him under the patio for you. Seriously, tell him when he can lactate, he gets to comment on your technique.

I'd be sending him off to the spare room! That's not helpful at all. Dh tries to be supportive by sitting up watching me feed and then complaining for the next three days about how tired he is from not getting a good sleep! So now I won't have it at all... He's in the spare room!

When

When our DD was born (she's 2.5yo now) my DH and I went through a really rough patch - the competitive tiredness, the difference on our priorities etc all took a toll. I'll admit I became quite obsessed with motherhood and I know DH felt pushed out. We got back on track as DD got older.

Before DS was born 6wks ago we joked about how we'd hate each other for a while again.

We started off really well - being much more kind, supportive and communicative with each other, no competitive tiredness and although I'm breast feeding so bearing the brunt of the night feeding DH was helping in lots of other ways.

The cracks are starting to show again now though - our DD is having a massive sleep regression since the new arrival so I am now co-sleeping with her while nursing DS. DH admittedly does get up early with them both and takes DS while I get an early night - but still he's getting around 7hours unbroken. I wouldn't mind if he didn't moan about being tired all the time! He's also started constantly telling me frequent how "so and so's children slept through from really early" and asking why our kids don't sleep better as though he's accusing me of deliberately rearing non-sleepers.

Yesterday, after I was in tears about being so sleep deprived he announced he was going to the pub that afternoon as he was stressed and needed time to himself. He went to the pub twice over the bank holiday so it's hardly as though he's been housebound.

Trying to feel zen about it all as I know it's a natural phase which will pass but I literally want to murder him.

I feel for you OP. I really think when your breastfeeding and therefore bearing the brunt of the night wakings by default, many men don't really appreciate quite how tired you get with never more than three or four hours of broken sleep. How could you, you need to experience it to know what it's like. Mine's the same, moaning about being tired and not sleeping much while I know for a fact that he gets at least double of what I do as I can hear him snore beside me. And it's NOT easier being at home. I've got a two year old as well as the baby so not a chance of getting a rest during the day!

Husband has been away for work with a visit to an old friend over the weekend since Tuesday. I've been at home with teething 7 month old and the toddler. I've hardly slept, have not had a break and hardly talked to another adult. But when he comes home this evening he'll no doubt complain being 'exhausted' after his trip. I'll suck it up as it's his birthday too but in the meanwhile I'd give my right arm for the better part of a week in a nice hotel on my own with just a bit of work to go to. (And he wasn't working hard over there. I've seen the schedule. He wasn't starting till ten and I know from his emails he was done by four each day.)

Notadoctor - I think you'd be forgiven for murder!! If my DH buggered off to the pub because he needed some time to himself I'd be furious!!

cleio - I really don't think the men understand either. It sounds like he's had a lovely week and like you say, I don't the men would have a clue about much we'd crave that!!

This morning I handed DS over to DH and told him to leave the bedroom so I could get some sleep. My DH said, "Well what about me getting some sleep?!" I told min tough! I said that we both know he gets far more sleep during the week than I do and so it's only fair that at the weekend I get some!

I'm also going for a beauty treatment next weekend to treat myself and I've told my DH he's coming with me so he can entertain DS so I can just relax.

Good for you Writer! It's so true that if you don't experience the night waking and disturbed sleep then you really can't appreciate the level of exhaustion. I certainly didn't appreciate it before I had my child, I knew I'd be tired but being woken in the middle of a sleep cycle by screaming up to 5times per night had me almost insane

Good luck with having some you time

I've been on the brink of insanity!!

What my DH doesn't grasp is that once the feed is over it isn't like me and DS go straight back to sleep - he forgets that you have to wind them and settle them back down to sleep. Each time DS wakes in the night I'm awake for a minimum of an hour whilst DH just goes back to sleep. And then, by the time you've settled them back to sleep you know that in 2 hours they're going to wake again and the cycle starts all over.

Last night DH did say to me that he acknowledges I'm much more tired than he is, but that doesn't mean he isn't tired too!!

I totally understand that, the difference though is that I'm not saying it at least 20 times a day......

I'm wondering whether perhaps I was a terrible mum. I never winded mine after night feeds. They just fell asleep on the boob so I shoved them back from whence they had come (admittedly abut a foot away as I co-slept) and went back to sleep.

What my DH doesn't grasp is that once the feed is over it isn't like me and DS go straight back to sleep - he forgets that you have to wind them and settle them back down to sleep. Each time DS wakes in the night I'm awake for a minimum of an hour whilst DH just goes back to sleep. And then, by the time you've settled them back to sleep you know that in 2 hours they're going to wake again and the cycle starts all over.

When you've finished feeding the baby, hand him/her to your DH and tell him you're off to the spare room for three hours' sleep.

Every time. For several nights.

He'll work out eventually that it's not that easy, and also he'll start to understand what 'tired' actually feels like.

I'm wondering whether perhaps I was a terrible mum. I never winded mine after night feeds. They just fell asleep on the boob so I shoved them back from whence they had come (admittedly abut a foot away as I co-slept) and went back to sleep

Not a terrible mum, but it does sound like you didn't have particularly windy babies.

wobbly I wish I had the nerve to do that but whilst he's at work I don't think I could
Mind you, he has got a week off coming up.....

permanently - absolutely terrible mother!!!
I never used to wind DS and like you I'd just let him fall asleep at the breast and put him back in his MB but we had horrendous problems with wind. It wouldn't be long before he'd be awake screaming and usually being sick anywhere. Disturbing him to wind him now is the lesser of two evils. It does take longer to settle him but he sleeps a lot longer afterwards

I hear you OP, 5.5 month old is awake every 1-2 hours and DH is constantly bloody snoring. The 2 year old will be up in a minute and then i am spending a week in a caravan in Wales (the weather looks questionable).

After the holiday we are putting the wheels in motion for DH to use the end of my ML and i go back to work large cackle . Hehas alreadg said he is worried :)

That sounds exhausting!!!

Enjoy your break at work and don't forget keep telling him repeatedly how tired you are when you come through the front door

Why would it require nerve to expect the father of your child to take equal responsibility for parenting while he's in the house?

You're just feeding the idea that what he does in the day is important and tiring while what you do is relaxing and easy.

I meant I wouldn't make him stay up every night whilst I slept in the spare room when he's having to go to work.

Surely that's just the norm??

Does he drive for a living or his commute, operate on people or operate heavy machinery?

If not then your sleep is as important as his.

As for "it's not a competition", sometimes it IS the case that one person ( usually the mother bfeeding at night) is much more tired or unwell, and/or (as seems the case here) one partner is just not pulling their weight.