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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of my husband....

84 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 08/05/2014 09:39

I've had 4.5 hours of broken sleep in the last 24 hours and have been up most of the night with our poorly baby....I'm exhausted.

He on the other hands gets to spend half the night in the spare room every night for 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and also gets to go to work to escape the physically draining task of looking after a baby all day

Every time he he tells me he's tired and pulls a 'woe is me' face I feel like saying, "Well I'm a lot more f*king tired than you are!!"

And breathe......

OP posts:

gimcrack · 08/05/2014 23:00

Tell him to help you. I used to stew over DH with DS1, but I assumed he'd realised how exhausted I was. Your DH isn't a mind reader - tell him. No good will come of silently resenting him.

Permanentlyexhausted · 08/05/2014 23:09

Oh, please! Not the 'hot cup of tea' crap!

As others have said, there are no winners in competitive tiredness. It will pass

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 08/05/2014 23:19

I've solved the problem of the hot cup of tea, I now drink it from a sports bottle so I carry it wherever I go and drink it easily

And I would tell DH to help (not that we should have to) but he's fallen asleep. His snoring is really loud!! I'm going to wake him and send him to the spare room else I'll never get to sleep

At least DS seems to be dropping off!

OP posts:

HelenHen · 09/05/2014 04:32

Ah writer, I used to have this with dc1 but then I slowly grew a set of ball's... Now with dc2 he's actually asked me if he can have a bath lol. You need to show him the fire in your eyes unfortunately!

mrsmugoo · 09/05/2014 05:10

I have to day writer, although I would kill for the unbroken sleep my DH gets, he stays up til past midnight every night to do the dishwasher and laundry and tidies the house so that when I wake up everything is just so.

He takes DS for an hour before work so that I start the day breakfasted, showered, dressed and made up. He baths DH as soon as he gets in from work and then when I retreat for feeding and baby bedtime he has to carry on working for another 3 hours.

He may get 6 or 7 unbroken hours sleep but he's working like a Trojan to support me while I breastfeed hourly round the clock! He runs his own business that I also work for and am obviously on mat leave so he is massively feeling the pressure.

It's a hard period but it will pass. We have only just started to have some time to eat food together briefly after DS goes to bed, up to this week I would inhale some food when he walked through the door from work as DS's bedtime was so erratic. None of this will be forever and we'll look back on it nostalgically I'm sure.

Frogisatwat · 09/05/2014 06:47

One day this will be a dim & distant memory. .I actually tell my children on the weekend I am off for an afternoon nap. although I don't think they would notice my absence!
they are 10 & 8 now.
fwiw.. I went back to work full time when my eldest was 16 weeks old. I found work far more restful and he was a rubbish sleeper. I used to say I was going to work for a rest!

oohdaddypig · 09/05/2014 06:53

Agreed - I think men are totally crap at realising jusy how tired we are.

My DH slept in the spare room every night whilst I battled it out I.e. 8 hours unbroken sleep for him. About 4 in total for me, for months.

It was when I told him I had nearly crashed the car through utter exhaustion he began to listen. I was b/feeding so he couldn't help - but I wanted sympathy.

With DC2 I whinged sufficiently to make sure I got it!!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2014 08:07

mrsmugoo - my DH certainly is working like Trojan to help me around the house. It all falls to me - hence why I'm not sleeping in the day when DS sleeps, there's too much to do. If something needs doing I have to ask him, he'd never do it off his own back. During the week comes home from work, will admittedly cook dinner, leaving the kitchen trashed for me to clean, have cuddles with DS, makes himself at home on the sofa and then puts his headphones in when we go to bed. Admittedly he changed the Steriliser last night but only because I mentioned it and he huffed and puffed about that. He was brilliant when I had my CS, kept the house running brilliantly but now I'm back on my feet he's reverted back to type.

OP posts:

sarinka · 09/05/2014 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2014 08:22

He's also got Man Flu at the moment due to feeling so tired apparently. I'd love him to understand how run down I feel....

OP posts:

mrsmugoo · 09/05/2014 08:52

Can you get your Mum back to stay a couple of nights? I'm so lucky to have both sets of parents on hand for practical help here, I don't know what I'd do without them. My parents looked after him for 3 hours last week while I went to the hairdresser and brought him in for a feed when he needed it.

mrsmugoo · 09/05/2014 08:55

Sarinka - my DH complains to me he's tired and he is! It's hard running a business on 6 hours sleep a night (it may be "unbroken" but I'm still doing night feeds in the same room so it can't be brilliant sleep) but it's not a competition so we try to both give each other sympathy and support but recognise we have to just keep on trucking!

waterrat · 09/05/2014 08:55

such bollocks that it is easier being at home when exhausted. I have gone into work on broken sleep and it was much easier - change of environment/ new energy - chance to sit and drink coffee while gathering your thoughts. Much, much less tiring than sitting at home desperately wishing the baby would go back to sleep with nobody to talk to but too exhausted to get up and leave the house - boredom is tiring! and you cant just randomly sleep when you have a baby, they never sleep at a convenient moment ...

Only1scoop · 09/05/2014 08:57

Writer....make sure you have a nice plan for jusr you time at the weekend....go out somewhere nice.... even just for the afternoon....maybe even a lovely cafe for cake and as many hot cuppas you can handle in one sitting

After all his 8 hour sleep stretches he should be well rested to take over....

gotnotimeforthat · 09/05/2014 09:56

fragile its a lot easier to be tired at home with a baby than being tired at work? are you sure?

its not making decisions that exhausts me during the day, its the cooking, the cleaning, child care, appointments etc that do me. when your partner can make a mess in an empty room and NEVER cleans up after himself you tend to spend your days doing the same thing over and over which gets very irritating very quickly.

All of that on 3 hours broken sleep per night is bloody hard!! A lot more draining than getting a nice 8 hours interupted sleep a short 5 min drive to work and then a day of drinking coffee at your desk having a laugh and a joke with your office roomie occasionly typing out some paper work on the computer.

I understand that both parties are entitled to be tired but to constantly moan about it when you are getting almost triple the sleep your partner gets is just inconsiderate.

gotnotimeforthat · 09/05/2014 09:57

8 hours uninterputed*

whatever5 · 09/05/2014 10:05

I used to feel really jealous of my husband when on maternity leave. I hate sleep deprivation and would much rather be the one who had a good nights sleep and then went to work the next day.

If DH ever suggested that things were easier for me I always offered to go back to work while he stayed at home. Funnily enough he never took me up on the offer.

Rosalie82 · 09/05/2014 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Madamnit · 09/05/2014 10:10

Writer Have you got a sling/wrap? I find them magical for getting babies to sleep - you can get DH to pop baby in - go for a wander whilst you have a rest! (he can even go on ipad have headphones in) I have a spare one (in a manly colour) feel free to PM me and I can post it to you.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2014 11:04

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I would love some me time this weekend but whilst DS is poorly all he wants is me and he's feeding every 1.5-2 hours too.

I think the problem is that my DH doesn't know how to cope with babies. He certainly doesn't have the patience when DS starts crying. He is very loving towards DS and loves spending time with him but I definitely think he's looking forward to the toddler stage where a character will have formed and more vocal interaction can take place. My DH is wonderful with other people's children (whatever age they are) but he finds babies a bit of a foreign territory.

I've decided I'm not going to do any housework today

Thanks madamit - I will message you.

OP posts:

ImogenQuy · 09/05/2014 11:15

If women decided with the frequency that men do that they "couldn't cope with babies" the human race would die out. He's a parent - if he can't cope with babies he shouldn't have had one. The only way to learn to cope is to do it: DH and I were equally clueless when DS was born, and we both had to learn as we went along.

Only1scoop · 09/05/2014 11:21

Writer he will cope ....just leave him in charge occasionally. Even just for a couple of hours at first....

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2014 11:26

Me and DH have very different characters in that I'm very quiet, loving and soothing towards DS when he's upset, rocking and singing lullabies to him etc, whereas my DH takes the more boisterous approach, I.e whooshing him through the air like he's an aeroplane, putting loud music on from YouTube and singing loudly, bouncing him up and down on his knees really fast. I try to calm the baby down when he's screaming whereas DH tries to entertain him with the hope of distracting him from the upset. I think my DH struggles with the fact that sometimes babies just cry, if he can't find a definite reason for the upset (I.e nappy, wind or hunger) then he doesn't understand it.

Like I said, he's very loving towards DS, it's him who does the nappy changes, baths him and he's far better at dressing him than I am as poppers still confuse me. He is the one who wants to push the pram when we go for walks and he'll interact with him etc - I just think he'll come into his parenting element as DS gets older.

OP posts:

DaffyDuck88 · 09/05/2014 11:36

Hey Writer, Hope you've gotten some rest somehow. My DD is 16months now but believe me I know how you feel. My DP kept telling everyone how the baby slept through the night from really early on - in truth he just slept through the night while I got up however many times. He too tells me often how tired he is, I haven't murdered him so far, so you know it passes. When baby was a few months old I got a terrible virus and was laid up for a few days, he had to look after little one and was telling everyone how you just can't do anything! Babies need so much looking after!

My advice is to forget the housework completely, stick to the bare minimum and only do what you need to to get through the day. Especially while baby is unwell and you are so tired. Time hoovering or whatever could be spent napping. Glad to see you have found a way to have hot tea, I was going to suggest a flask - that saved my sanity. Even if I only got a few sips of hot tea it seemed to help.

I think its really hard as as Mums we always think ahead. i.e. change nappy and at the same time make sure there are some more to hand for next time, bath baby & have bottle (cows milk now) ready for afterwards etc. But (and forgive the generalisation) most Dad's don't. It's infuriating to have to ask repeatedly for something that happens every day to be done. Somehow it comes as a surprise to my DP that baby will have a bath and need her milk afterwards. Although recently to his credit, I must say he has started to get it ready while I'm getting her pyjamas on without being asked. As for packing a bag for her when going out…. its never occurred to him so far. But we'll get there eventually I'm sure.

Maybe prepare a list of chores and shortcuts and stick them up on the wall. As you say he did brilliantly when you had your CS, he needs to know you need that support to continue. Sleep deprivation is rotten and the effects cumulative. Hang in there, I really hope baby recovers soon.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2014 11:48

Thanks Duffy - you're right about the Planning Ahead skills that some men seem to lack The thing that annoys me most is that I'll ask DH to changes DS's nappy and get all the things for him but he never uses the nappy bag, he just wraps up the dirty nappy with it's sticky tags (fair enough) but then leaves it on the floor. Guaranteed an hour later it will still be there. He never puts away the changing mat/wipes/cream either, they also just sit in the middle of the living room floor for a few hours. In my head I'm just screaming, "Why can't you just be normal and tidy up after yourself and use the bloody nappy bag!!"

He's just rang me from work actually to see how we both are. He told me how tired he was again He also told me not to bother with any of the housework and to just spend my day relaxing and catching up on sleep. He said we can tidy the house at the weekend - I liked his use of we and I hope he sees it through

OP posts:

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