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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd2 to go swimming with this person?

58 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 08/05/2014 09:20

Dd2 has been invited swimming with her friend, her friend's brother and their dad.

I'm not sure about her going, which she is very upset about, particularly because I have just said yes to dd1 going ice skating in the next town with her friend and her friend's grandad. Dd2 only "wants to go up t'road t'baths" (she has a new friend who speaks with a yorkshire accent Grin)

I have no-one sensible to ask opinions from, I've tried my mum (Daily Mail reader) who thinks it "not right" that a SAHD of 2 would invite their daughter's best friend swimming Hmm and Twunt just told me he is not being the bad guy and saying no, so it's up to me.

Dd2 cannot swim. She wears armbands but has a habit of taking them off and trying to swim. What she ends up doing is a cross between doggy paddle and drowning very slowly. I'm worried this parent takes his eyes off of dd2 for long enough that she drifts off out of reach, while drowning very slowly. Surely he would naturally pay more attention to his own children, especially as one of them is a pre-schooler?

OP posts:
JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 08/05/2014 09:23

Can you go as well? If so problem solved!

QueenofallIsee · 08/05/2014 09:23

if you are worried that your perfectly nice new neighbour is a closet child molester then YABU. If you are reluctant to let your non swimmer child go swimming due to ratios of non swimmer child to adult then YANBU. I wouldn't let mine go until they could swim independently

Why don't you go as well? win win

Goldmandra · 08/05/2014 09:25

Why don't you offer to go with them. That way she can swim with her friend and you can make sure she's safe. You can explain that she's a bit of a nutter in the water and you wouldn't want to place responsibility for her on anyone else.

Melonbreath · 08/05/2014 09:25

Yanbu. Tell the dad you are worried as dd seems intent on drowning herself and see what he says

HecatePropylaea · 08/05/2014 09:25

does he know that she can't swim? I wouldn't take another person's non swimming child swimming. I just wouldn't. I would rather choose another activity.

I would say no, sorry, thanks for the lovely offer but she can't swim and she needs to be watched constantly because she keeps taking her arm bands off.

Or if you are able, why not go with them?

But you can also say to your daughter well, love, this is what happens as a result of you not keeping your arm bands on and being serious about learning to swim. If you had already proven to me that you are responsible enough to keep yourself safe by keeping your arm bands on, perhaps I would have said yes. If you can show me that you can keep your arm bands on then perhaps I will be able to say yes next time.

but I am, in the words of my own children, the meanest mum in the universe, so you may not want to listen to me Grin

LizzieMint · 08/05/2014 09:27

Oh thank goodness, I thought your issue was going to be that he was a man taking them swimming.
But in your case, no I wouldn't let her go on her own - can you go too?
How old are the children?

Blondiebrownie · 08/05/2014 09:27

I was going to say exactly the same as Queenofalllsee.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 08/05/2014 09:27

I'm on stand by for work, it's supposed to be my shift but he is training new staff, whose first shift alone is tonight, I need to be available to go in and help if she struggles, so I can't go.

Dd2 has virtually moved in to their house, apparently he makes nicer spaghetti bolognaise than me Angry He seems very nice and not at all molest-y.

OP posts:
MyBootsAreMuddy · 08/05/2014 09:28

How old are Dd2 and her friend? Our pool has a rule of maximum 2 under 8yrs per adult, so if friend little brother going too and girls under 8 they won't allow them in anyway.

If over 8 then I personally would not have a problem if one of my dcs friends dad's invited them along swimming with them.

Bardette · 08/05/2014 09:28

Would he be allowed to take three children in the pool by himself? It's a maximum of two in all the pools near me.

CitronVert · 08/05/2014 09:28

I think I'd be a bit disinclined to let my dd go with other people (i.e. Anyone but me or school) until she could swim properly.

My own dd is a really good swimmer and is now 10 and it's only recently I've been relaxed about taking my eye off her for a bit, even though she's a better swimmer than I am.

I think though that when you're looking after other peoples' kids you tend to before attentive to them rather than your own. I know whenever I've been responsible for others I've tended to go a bit ott with hovering over them and making sure they're safe, far more so than with my own kids

Mrsjayy · 08/05/2014 09:28

well your mum is a bit of a twit isn't sh e Hmm say to the dad your daughter cant swim and often takes her armbands off and could you go along as well to watch her, taking the responsibility off the dad, you dont need to go in the water just go along and watch her, or do you really think it is odd that a dad wants to take his dd and her friend swimming

ReallyTired · 08/05/2014 09:28

I can understand your worries about ratios. Most swimming pools do not allow an adult to supervise more than 2 under eights however good they are at swimming. I suggest you go swimming as well. Having a friend to go swimming with would do the world of good for your dd's confidence.

gordyslovesheep · 08/05/2014 09:29

how old is the brother - most pools have a 2-1 ratio for adults and small non swimmers

I don't think you are being that unreasonable (it's obvious from your post that it's not a peedow emeguncy issue but one of safety in the pool) - I would go with them

Ploppy16 · 08/05/2014 09:29

Would he be allowed into the pool? Our local one insists on an adult for every non swimmer.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 08/05/2014 09:32

The friend and dd2 are 7, the brother has just started nursery so must be 3 or 4. The friend does swimming lessons and can swim.

I might suggest they go another day when I can come. The problem is I am working pretty much 7 days a week atm, until I move, which has been this monday for the last 4 mondays Angry So it could be weeks until they can go.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 08/05/2014 09:33

Agree with what HecatePropylaea said. Your DD is by now, old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. The SAHD of the other children should not be put in that position of responsibility for a non-swimming child he barely knows. (If, however, you are able to go as well, then go for it. Then if you are at all concerned about him, you can keep an eye on him, and tell your mum next time she mentions it, that she is being silly.)

BackforGood · 08/05/2014 09:34

Totally depends on the age of all the dc. You say your dd2 is a pre-schooler. Where I live, an adult can only take 2 under 8s - so, presuming her friend is a similar age, then is the bother over 8 ? (I have read on here some authorities only allow 1:1 for under 8s.
To my mind, it would depend on the age and ability of the brother (ie, is he independent, or even a help) and also the pool itself. We have a baths near here where the little pool is very quiet and you'd have to be very little to not be able to sand up in the water, yet the next pool is much busier, and quickly gets deeper.
I'd also have the conversation with him about how she can't swim but likes to try and take her armbands off and you're worried about him having to watch 2 or 3 of them, and see what he says.

BackforGood · 08/05/2014 09:35

oops Blush once again, x-posted with loads

WitchWay · 08/05/2014 09:36

Here they can swim without an adult from 8, once they can swim, obviously.

Is your daughter young enough to wear one of those flotation vest things? Would she keep it on? You need to explain to the dad about the armband removal drowning thing & tell your DD why it isn't safe.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/05/2014 09:37

No way would I let my non-swimming child go in a party which consisted of only one adult supervising three children. Too risky and not fair on the adult.

WitchWay · 08/05/2014 09:38

& your mum clearly has a point - obviously all SAHD & all men you have hardly met especially those who want to take children swimming are weirdos & perverts Hmm Confused Grin

andsmile · 08/05/2014 09:45

I wouldnt let my DS(8) go swimming unless I was there. i never invite other kids to some swimming because I worry if they cant swim well.

I think for safety reasons she can't go. Say yes she can but on another day when you can be there to help.

In my gym swimming pool I think the ratio of non swimmers to adults is 1 to 1. I think it would be too much for the other parent.

glasgowstevenagain · 08/05/2014 09:45

Can you husband not go ?

Mrsjayy · 08/05/2014 09:47

Can you husband not go ?

oh ^^

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