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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have implied that I didn't need much parenting at 14? (Toxic mother)

61 replies

weatherall · 06/05/2014 14:46

I have 'really hurt' my mother apparently.

We were out for dinner last night and she said that she hadn't heard of a magazine that was around 20 years ago because "she was too busy looking after me then". (Only child)

I quipped that I was 14 then so probably didn't require very much active parenting at that stage especially as I was out of the house 7.30-5.30/6 every day (private school/long commute).

I expected her to respond with a 'oh yes, I suppose 20 years ago you were a teenager not a toddler- how time flies '.

But no. She went in a strop. Was silent through the meal then made her own way home explaining to the DCs that 'she was very hurt'.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 06/05/2014 14:49

Is there mote to it?
She was ott to leave but I would hazard a quess you upset her and made he feel like a useless mum?

Lottapianos · 06/05/2014 14:49

No YANBU. I guess there is a huge backstory here, since you describe her as toxic. If that's the case, I have loads of sympathy! Do you often feel that she doesn't allow you to have your own opinions/thoughts/feelings? Is this typical behaviour from her? How are you feeling about her behaviour?

captainproton · 06/05/2014 14:54

Hmmm I can say as a working mum, even though my children go to nursery whilst I work a full day, I never get time to read a magazine, or eat lunch, or in fact remember to tax the car.

I also have a stepson who is a teenager and it's not like he raises himself either.

Don't get me wrong my mother was an alcoholic narcissist and I know that not all mums are perfect.

I think we need more info to go on.

wheresthelight · 06/05/2014 14:54

From the details in the post you were being a tad bitchy so i can understand her being upset. But I don't see how this causes her to be seen as "toxic" so assume you plan to drip feed the rest?

CoffeeTea103 · 06/05/2014 14:57

You were being passive aggressive. I can see why she's hurt with you implying she didn't really do much as a mum. Maybe think before you speak ?

MammaTJ · 06/05/2014 14:59

PeachandRaspberry · 06/05/2014 15:00

What you said sounds hurtful.

ScrambledSmegs · 06/05/2014 15:05

Well, if I made a comment like that to my mum I'd probably get a 'You cheeky beggar' and a long list of all the things she did for me, day in, day out. Probably with the words 'slaving over a hot stove' thrown in for good measure.

Sounds a bit like you touched a nerve with your mum there. Did she have a job, or does she see her role in life as your mother? Because it's probably tied up with her identity and self-esteem.

Of course only you know your mum but I reckon that actually she's justified in feeling hurt. Although not particularly great to tell your DCs that she's hurt. She should just have told you.

diddl · 06/05/2014 15:06

Well you might not have needed much parenting but was she shopping, cooking washing & ironing for you so looking after you in that way?

womblesofwestminster · 06/05/2014 15:08

If she is indeed toxic, why are you letting her be around your children?

Lottapianos · 06/05/2014 15:09

OP, please come back and tell us more about the back story leading up to this comment. I think her comment that she was too busy looking after you sounds like she was trying to make a point that she was a martyr to your needs but it's difficult to judge accurately unless we know more.

Original poster

weatherall · 06/05/2014 15:21

No I don't want to drip feed because it would take the length of a Harry potter novel to go through all the issues I have with my mother.

I did make the comment slightly sarcastically but I really feel that she totally overreacted to it. With my friends we will often say ' oh when we were teenagers' thinking 10 years ago then laugh as it was actually 20 years ago.

I thought that she was thinking the same- that 20 years ago was when she had a young child and therefore not much time for herself.

I think she was being unreasonable to 'blame' me for her lack of free time then. She was busy then, with her business and her OCD house cleaning but not with actively parenting me if you know what I mean?

I know that teenagers can have a bit of a warped view of the world but even as an adult (and mum of 2 young DCs) I don't recall much active parenting at that age. Eg she went to a secondary modern so isn't have the subject knowledge to help with my homework, I didn't get ferried around because I did all my activities at school, at weekends I just watched tv (we lived rurally so I didn't see friends outside school).

Yes, she worked hard and paid for stuff but I still don't think that entitles her to play the 'mummy martyr' all the time.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 06/05/2014 15:26

'I think she was being unreasonable to 'blame' me for her lack of free time then'

I can see why you would have felt blamed by her comment. And her telling your DCs that she was 'very hurt' also screams martyrdom to me.

What do you think will happen next?

Thomyorke · 06/05/2014 15:31

Whilst there may of not been much parenting from my mum as a teenager she still worked hard to make life good for me. Then she would work full time in a crap job followed by all the housewife duties (not very much sharing going on then). This was probably the hardest part of her life.

claraschu · 06/05/2014 15:33

I am sure you have every reason to feel as you do, and it sounds like she overreacted.

I have to say that, emotionally, I feel that having teens is much more difficult than having toddlers, as in: "little children=little problems; big children=big problems."

PeachandRaspberry · 06/05/2014 15:33

No wonder she's hurt. Just phone her and apologise, 'daft teenagers' and all that.

ThisIsLID · 06/05/2014 15:33

Well her comment would have put me off big way. I think my first answer coming through my mind (but I wouldn't have said it) would have been along the lines if 'well that's what happens when you choose to be a mum'.

I also think that by the time children have become teenagers, they are more able to look after themselves and I certainly do find the time to read a magazine. My life isn't all organised around my dcs as they were when they were little. Even if I still do a lot for them!

All in all OP, I would have though she was over reacting just as you have.

wheresthelight · 06/05/2014 15:34

"mummy martyr" wow and you think she was out if your order. Grow the fuck up

PrincessBabyCat · 06/05/2014 15:37

You don't need to explain why she was toxic, if she was a crap mom growing up, then she was.

That said, I know nothing about raising teenagers, mine is only 5 weeks old. But when I was a teen it didn't feel like I got much parenting except to get lectured now and then. Kids are pretty self sufficient by then though from a maintenance stand point. Then you become a different type of parent by guiding them instead of dictating them, I would assume.

Just think about what you wanted as a teen, and make sure you give it to your own kids.

SoFishy · 06/05/2014 15:37

Oh FGS how annoying. I have one like this and I can totally imagine her doing this too.

She once wailed to DP that she had never heard of

ThisIsLID · 06/05/2014 15:40

But I would never tell one of my dcs that if I couldn't read a magazine it was their fault! I mean I choose to have these dcs. So I also choose to do all the hard work going with it.
Telling them that I didn't have a life, was always tired or didn't have time to sit down and read a magazine would be completely unacceptable because this was only the consequence of my choice. Nothing to so with them as such and I would never dream to make them responsible as the OP's mum has done.
In that way yes she is a 'martyr mum'

Original poster

weatherall · 06/05/2014 15:42

It's going to be hard for me to keep up with replies but here's my try:

Re: shopping/cooking- me and my dad did the shopping, she cooked 3-5 dinners pwk, I didn't eat breakfast, sometimes she made my packed lunch sometimes I got money

Yes she washed and ironed all my clothes, did all the housework. However she still does this now, more than I do with 2 young DCs, as she is so OCD so I don't really class that as 'active parenting'.

Wombles- I have stopped her seeing my DCs in the past eg she bitches about me to them, smokes in their faces

Scrambled- she always worked. Went back when I was 6 months, worked 36 hrs pwk til i was 11 then very long hours on own business. Free childcare from family. So no she wasn't a stuck at home sahm.

In her defence she had a very difficult upbringing and has unresolved issues from her own childhood which is why I've 'forgotten' about the toxic parenting and tried to move on to a reasonable relationship.

However every couple of years we fall out and are estranged for a few months.

OP posts:

diddl · 06/05/2014 15:53

Perhaps those comments from her are best ignored then.

Just "mmm" & change the subject.

Original poster

weatherall · 06/05/2014 16:00

ThiisLID- she didn't 'choose' to have me- she didn't realise she was pregnant until it was too late for an abortion.

We were probably never going to have a good mother/daughter relationship.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/05/2014 16:11

She sounds like a massive drama queen. I have no complaints about my mum, she was and is great. She's always been busy with parenting/work/church/
charity/house/garden etc. I think had the same question come up, she'd have said "I've never been all that interesting in magazines" rather than trying to allocate blame.

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