To have implied that I didn't need much parenting at 14? (Toxic mother)

[weatherall]

I have 'really hurt' my mother apparently.

We were out for dinner last night and she said that she hadn't heard of a magazine that was around 20 years ago because "she was too busy looking after me then". (Only child)

I quipped that I was 14 then so probably didn't require very much active parenting at that stage especially as I was out of the house 7.30-5.30/6 every day (private school/long commute).

I expected her to respond with a 'oh yes, I suppose 20 years ago you were a teenager not a toddler- how time flies '.

But no. She went in a strop. Was silent through the meal then made her own way home explaining to the DCs that 'she was very hurt'.

So AIBU?

Months then she will wriggle back in pretending nothigs happened.

OP, some people just will not get what you're talking about but some posters on here do. What you said in your last post makes complete sense to me. I know how much it hurts when you don't have the mother that you wish you did. What's working for me is psychotherapy - its helping me to value myself, to stop seeking my parents approval and to distance myself from them emotionally. Its tough - good luck x

Thanks for sharing your story. Its quite brave to invite comment on a personal issue.
Imo. The entire conversation, composed of Ill judged remarks from both of you, seems like a reflection of your difficult relationship.

Much is expected of mothers. We are supposed to be entirely giving of ourselves to our children (and dh's ).

Our relationships with our mothers are hugely influential on our self perception and self esteem. It's hard when you don't feel the closeness you see in other ppl's mother- child relationships. It's very easy and totally understandable, IMO, to feel cheated when you don't have a "maternal" mother. But as you are only human, and influenced by many things beyond your control, the same applies to your DM.
I think it's useful to avoid the quippy remarks on the subject. Because it Just exposes and rubs the wounds in your relationship.

As for moving forward,that's very important, for ourselves and for our own children of course. We only have one mother. In the absence of cruelty and abuse I think we sometimes need to forgive our mothers for their imperfections even if we recognise the impact their "shortcomings" have had on us.
And yes,for many ppl, psychotherapy is invaluable in that journey.

TheRealAmandaClark

One of the most sensible posts I have read on mumsnet.

thebodylovesspring you're very kind

So what if she went to a secondary modern that is snobby.

To be honest you need to walk away from your mum and keep her at arms length. You're teaching your children how not to have a proper relationship and run the risk of repeating the same mistakes she made
Walk away.

I don't have a great relationship with my mum. As my DC have got older I've realised that she wasn't great due to mental health and other issues (she lost her mum at 4 and was stuck in a boarding school for orphans as the family couldn't cope :( ). I feel sorry for the childhood she had but find it healthier to keep her at arms length.

You're an adult now and need to grow up. Yes you're bitter but you can choose not to be like this and not to get into battles with her. Keep her at arms length.

OP, for some people it just seems impossible for a parent to work hard for any other reason but to provide for their children. But the truth is that there ARE parents that find their biggest joy in other parts of their lives, not in their families. Some of them would rather spend Christmas at work than with their families, just like your mother. They are not necessarily toxic as you described your mum, but rather uninterested and uninvolved in their children's lives, unaware of their emotional needs and/or too self absorbed to notice anything that goes on in their children's lives. Which is bad enough. You don't mention your father, was he around?
And I don't think all teenagers are hard work, some of them are, but some of them are not and I believe when you say that you were 'low maintenance' child in general.
I think comments like 'well she worked hard to provide for your private school fees' are particularly hurtful and they miss the point. It was probably the decision made by your parents again, not you. Why should you put up with something you find hurtful just because they sent you to a private school (which was probably just another of your parent's confirmation that THEY succeed in their lives).
I don't think you should keep quiet about it, but you do need to find the way to get your message across without causing major upheaval. It will probably take some time to achieve that, but I don't believe that you should sweep it under the carpet just to keep your mother happy. I don't think it's necessary to walk away from her either. You are adult now, not a child anymore, her role in your life is different now. You two need to find another equilibrium point in your relationship. It is achievable, but it takes effort.

'You're an adult now and need to grow up. Yes you're bitter but you can choose not to be like this and not to get into battles with her'

What a very unhelpful comment. Coming to terms with these issues is not like flicking a switch. It's entirely understandable that OP has strong feelings about her mother and bitterness may well be one of them. It sounds like she has every intention of figuring out how to best manage her relationship with her mother and moving forward in a way that makes sense for her.Telling someone to 'grow up' just negates their feelings and is horribly hurtful.

Well sorry but there is an element of that. I didn't say it was a switch.

ouch yours sounds nasty mine worked came home and sat down i cooked cleaned and looked after her dogs husband and my elder sister i was also helping in the garden and chopping the wood for the fire i also had exams to do i still did better than my sister we no longer speak as a family as ive stopped expecting her to be nice now

I was just wondering what my own (nice, definitely not toxic) mother would say if I commented in the same way:-

She'd have laughed and said "I'll remind you of that when yours are teenagers!"

It wouldn't have been a big deal.