To be upset?

[Backdatednamechange]

Huge back story to this which I can't write now (crying) but will drip feed as and when (sorry!) is relevant.

General gist is that DH has a big brother who has many problems, never left home at 28, behaves terribly and has his family worried sick.

This came to a head again tonight when he went out at 4pm and has not yet come home. We live 4 hours away but MIL has been keeping DH updated.

DH has had a lot to drink tonight.

Through the course of a long argumentative conversation discussing how we would have dealt with the brother (we have this conversation every time something happens btw), DH ended up saying he thinks BIL has been an alcoholic and a drug addict since 13, and DH and his parents think that BIL will die before 35.

I said if you believe that, then you need to do something, you can't sit back and say that! He repeated it a few time and criticised me for saying I would do something (no idea what!).

But I got very very upset, I think this is so distressing, and can't imagine thinking this about my son or brother. So I'm upstairs in bed crying, he is down in the sofa very very angry.

I am pregnant, hormonal and have a one year old, and some of the stuff DH says scared me that this will happen to my kids. He has said that I've made it all about me - I really haven't but can't help finding it distressing.

AIBU to be so upset?

That's what I thought :(

You need external support re your husband. As you have very small children I assume you still have contact with health visitors who might be able to point you in the right direction. So far as the brother , you can't carry it all and your children and husband must come before him.

I hope you can both get the help you need.

Pot psychology here but maybe you're feeling upset because it seems like your dh has given up on himself with regard to alcohol and the situation with his brother is a way of gauging his own feelings about it.

I'm sorry Dude. What a shit situation to be in.

My DFs sister who has had to deal with the most shit from my uncle gets a lot of support, understanding and comfort from al-anon.

I for one would not blame you if you decided you couldn't live that life. I've seen it second hand and watched the impact on my DF, his siblings and my cousins who were most exposed. Alcoholics are selfish. You can't change it, control it and you are not to blame.

I posted before I noticed your user name,I can't remember which thread it was but I saw several things you'd posted and thought how nice you sounded. I'm also a big fan of "twas brillig and the slithy tove did gyre and gimble in the wabe"

Not that it matters but just makes me want even more that you get help with this. Is there an Al-Anon group in your area?

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Hi again, just woke up from a much needed nap :)

I think there is a hell of a lot of crossover of PILS feelings and fears of BIL, and my fears of DH. Projection at its best, but possibly justified. Last night when DH was saying why he thought BIL was an addict, alarm bells were ringing and now I know why. So I think it didn't feel like much of a step from "BIL will die early" to "DH will".

I'm not going to mention anything tonight other than apologise for getting upset and explain. He is in most ways lovely and will understand. Definitely not a LTB situation at this stage.

I am going to take my time - maybe contact that group - thanks Caitlin, I do have a local one - and figure out how best to approach DH. Who knows, maybe I will be lucky enough to say I have concerns and he will agree.

Thank you all so much for your explanations, sharing and support on this thread (and it's in AIBU too!), I appreciate the honesty and kindness. I feel like I understand where and why I went wrong, and that there has been a bit of a breakthrough for me.

After reading your last few posts I can understand 10000% why you're projecting OP and I'm sorry if my previous replies were harsh.

You've been given some great advice. Hope you can get it all sorted and good luck with your pregnancy x

Nothing wrong with any of the replies, I needed a good dose of honesty and after all I've been drip feeding at its best :)

Again, thank you all, this has been so helpful ((()))

After reading a few of your replies i think you need to concentrate on your dh. He has a problem with alcohol. If you dont want to live with that or have your children seeing that you need to start now not later.

My friends dh was an alcoholic. She gave him an ultimatum and she followed through and her dh hasnt touched a drink in 10 years because she was tough and he didnt want to lose his family.