To be upset?

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Huge back story to this which I can't write now (crying) but will drip feed as and when (sorry!) is relevant.

General gist is that DH has a big brother who has many problems, never left home at 28, behaves terribly and has his family worried sick.

This came to a head again tonight when he went out at 4pm and has not yet come home. We live 4 hours away but MIL has been keeping DH updated.

DH has had a lot to drink tonight.

Through the course of a long argumentative conversation discussing how we would have dealt with the brother (we have this conversation every time something happens btw), DH ended up saying he thinks BIL has been an alcoholic and a drug addict since 13, and DH and his parents think that BIL will die before 35.

I said if you believe that, then you need to do something, you can't sit back and say that! He repeated it a few time and criticised me for saying I would do something (no idea what!).

But I got very very upset, I think this is so distressing, and can't imagine thinking this about my son or brother. So I'm upstairs in bed crying, he is down in the sofa very very angry.

I am pregnant, hormonal and have a one year old, and some of the stuff DH says scared me that this will happen to my kids. He has said that I've made it all about me - I really haven't but can't help finding it distressing.

AIBU to be so upset?

Talking about this all is really helping btw, I wouldn't be so selfish was to burden DH, and I would never dream of betraying his confidences to anyone in RL.

It is good to know where I went wrong and how I can try to change that in the future.

was to as to

I am very scared of my DC growing up and having addiction issues, because in my unformed opinion, we are living with it. All this stuff with BIL has really brought it home to me that DH possibly has a problem. Which is terrifying :( and as evidenced by this thread, my posts and your experiences - there would be nothing I could do.

Please be aware op as someone who has disappointed their parents with stupid and selfish choices as an adult, please be aware that in all likelihood your child who is now largely biddable and dependent on you for everything, may well make silly and destructive choices as an adult. The fact that neither you or your husband stop them from making thst choice (sometimes again and again) does not make you bad parents or indicate you've given up on them. You can only help ypu once they turn to you and ask for help.

There isnt really anything that you can say to your DH when he talks about his brother dying. Just be there for him if he wants to talk about it.

It is so hard. My db has sought help and was told by the councellor(sp?) that he was a liar and there was no way he could smoke as much as he does. The councellor didnt have the first clue about drugs or addiction. This put my db off and thinks that he can self help.

I dont talk about my db to anyone. I assume your dh is the same and that is why you havent really heard or seen much of his addiction and dont know the background. I am scared of what might happen to my db and i suspect your dh feels the same.

Ill tell you something, you have to really be at rock bottom, and that's lower than you would ever dreamed imaginable, to get help, and that will only be for you, not for anyone else. It takes years and years and years to get to the absolute bottom when you realise have no where else to go.

Your family dont sound like they are there, they may never get there, they may feel they are managing the situation.

All the gp will suggest is aa or na and that's only if bil will agree he has aproblem and wants a referral. If he goes to say na and sees all the hardened heroin users , he might say hey this isn't me, I don't have a problem like that, and so think it's not for him. It sn't for everyone, lots of people find other ways to help themselves.

If the family are really worried, they will seek help. If they aren't they won't. You don't live nearby so it really doesn't affect you day to day. If I were you I would be supportive but not try to make suggestions and step back. Otherwise you will drive yourself insane or ruin your own relationship.

You could try ringing some of the family support groups if you really want to know what the best behaviour for YOU is but other than that, it's pretty hopeless.

I think he is very scared wandering, however we have a very open relationship and he struggles to hide it when something is bothering him - I have known him since we were teens! He also can't keep a secret to save his life and doesn't have many other outlets to confide in.

We talk about BIL a lot as PIL turn to DH for support who in turn comes to me. And I do offer it, I promise!

So bearing that in mind, I think this (BIL dying) is all a relatively new thought despite him saying it's been years (prone to exaggerate when drunk). I think whoever said it is a coping strategy is correct.

As for the addiction, I have known of all of the various drug and alcohol related incidents. Although DH has been told not to tell me, he always does. Just DH and I never said out loud before about BIL being an addict (though I thought it and probably he did too). So again, this admitting that BIL might be an addict is a relatively new thing.

Because they all drink heavily, it will have taken a lot for them to consider that BIL is an alcoholic. As for the drug addiction, that is literally guesswork, there has been no real evidence (other than behaviour, which could be MH or alcohol related) of BIL doing drugs for some years.

Thank you Winnie.

It will be difficult for DH to watch PIL suffering until BIL reaches that point, and in turn difficult for me to watch DH suffering. I will try my best to be quiet and supportive.

I think the distance makes it worse for DH as he feels so helpless, more for his DP than for DB.

My DF goes through phases of trying to help and withdrawing completely. He has over the years: lent money, paid for treatment that hasn't worked, wasted many drunken nights discussing it, not slept, stressed about it, provided a place for him to stay, bought him booze, hidden booze, discussed him dying young, cried, laughed, drunk with him, and a million other things.

slithy, I, and other family members have done all that ^ over the years. It goes in phases, he seems to sort himself out for a bit, and goes downhill again. He has lost his home, job and fiance through his drinking and gambling. My parents alone have paid off in excess of £50k gambling debts (that I know about).

But it sounds like you're able to detach from BIL's behaviour - but you want to tackle your dh's behaviour towards you? It is not right that he gets drunk and takes it out on you. I think you can point out to him that his bother's woes are not his fault, and that it's ok for him to be upset about it, and that you are there to support him. But that does not mean that you are there, in your condition, to bear the brunt of his drunken raging about it.

Tbh, it sounds like the whole family has issues with using alcohol as an emotional crutch. Mine too, sadly. It doesn't help.

I can detach from BIL because I'm not there, it's the effects of his behaviour on DH which I need to deal with. Which is fair enough, it was never going to be easy.

But I think that all of this has put into perspective that DH has a problem too.

When does it go from a problem to alcohol abuse? I know DH thinks that to be an alcoholic you do things like drink in the morning and drink every day. I don't think it's that simple.

That is something I don't know but I would like to reassure you about your DC. A genetic pre-disposition to an addiction does not an addict make. My generation of my family have personality traits that indicate it could be us: we can become obsessive about something, there are OCDs, a large number of perfectionists, high achievers, many of us have to exercise or it affects our moods, my DSis drinks a lot of diet coke. But so far, so good. We're all 30-45 and none of us have an unhealthy relationship with booze which is definitely where it was for our ancestors.

WRT your DH you need to state what isn't acceptable to you and manage it from there if he steps over the line you have articulated.

Thank you

I can understand why you are upset having heard this for the first time however I think that you need to stop projecting this onto your DC's and your husbands potential behaviour as a parent.

I am sure that your PILs have thought about "doing something about it" many times, unless your BIl wants help he won't stop what he is doing and your PILs are probably battered from the years of stress this is causing.

I think that you should be supportive to your husband and I think he has a point about you making this about you.....

Really sorry you're so upset, but I can see why he thinks you've made it about you to be honest. Because you have

Being friends or related to an alcoholic is very very hard. They're destructive and you end up being sucked into it all.

Tequila how have I made it about me please? By crying?

Remember most of what I have said here I've not said to DH.

Well you went off to bed upstairs to cry instead of supporting your DH, that to me is making it about you.

You're also projecting an awful lot.

A few people have said this, not sure why you chose to single my post out.

I hope you feel better soon, but please understand it's not as simple as you may think.

It was 3am, we had been talking for 6 hours, and he was completely bladdered. It was best for both of us I left the room instead of angering him further. I also knew I'd be up at 7 with a one year old while he slept off the hangover. He was asleep within minutes of me going upstairs btw.

Yours was the last post I saw, but of course I would be interested to know from anyone why they think this so I can process that.

I am projecting but he doesn't know that.

Alcoholism is not about drinking in the morning or drinking at night. It's not about the bottles of vodka hidden in the loo cistern so your 6 year old doesn't see them (??gran did this). It's not about filling the iron water container with gin so you know there's always some alcohol somewhere in the house (my mum did this). It's not even about wandering around the house stark naked throwing up everywhere in front of your 4 year old (my dad did this).

It's about a change in personality when you drink. Feeling a need to have a drink because it helps you cope / makes you feel sexy / makes you feel invincible / like you don't give a shit / gives you confidence. It's about knowing you've had too much and recognising that and actually not giving a fuck. It's about putting alcohol above your family and friends either because you're delusional or in denial about how bad you really are.

Lots of people binge drink at weekends and are not alcoholics. I've worked in the pub industry all my life and seen two young men in their 20s die from alcoholism. It's heartbreaking. But not everyone who drinks a lot is alcoholic.

I know I was starting to slip again when I started to go out for lunch mainly for the pure reason I wanted a glass of wine. Forget the food. It's the wine I wanted. Because with each sip the world seems a little less depressing. But when you stop the world is even worse.

I haven't drank at all in 5 years now. But each person has to get there on their own.

All you can do is support your dh and to be be honest as the child of alcoholics sometimes you do actually wish them dead. Life would be easier. Harsh but true.

They have said to DH there is no point in them suggesting AA/NA but not said why.

Surely it's obvious? There is no point suggesting something that he won't access.

It really is a shame because by the time they're willing to accept help it's often too late :(

I say this as someone who's grandma died from alcoholism and friend

I think your husband has a serious problem. I've on the whole lived a fairly charmed life but I really can't imagine if a situation arose which required my husband and I to sit up until 3am discussing it that either of us would drink alcohol at all, let alone to the point of getting drunk.

At its most simplistic alochol's purpose is to enhance meals and make parties more fun. Alcohol is not meant to be a support to get you through bad times and if he's using it for that he has a problem.

I also agree with caitlin. Alcoholism tends to run in families because quite often alcohol is normalised to the extent that you grow up thinking it's normal to have a stressful day and reach for a bottle. It's quite eye opening to become an adult and realise that for a lot of people alcohol doesn't even register on their spectrum of interest.

Agreed Caitlin and Fairy.

He is very open about needing to drink to relax/enjoy himself/because life is shit. Unrelated to this thread but a couple of years ago when we had a very bad patch, he told me he drank because of me :(

He also says every Monday oh I'm quitting drinking (unprompted, I don't mention it), and I don't think he has ever lasted more than 2 weeks without booze. He can drink a bottle of spirits in 2 days. Any open bottles in the house are fair game to be finished. He also keeps the quantities he drinks from me, and is in a small overdraft, possibly due to the booze he buys.

I'm quite worried about this now I'm putting it all together, especially since I can't do a thing about it. I don't drink at all ATM and haven't really for 3 years (3 pregnancies), other than the odd special occasion. I've never been a glass of wine with dinner type person.

Nenny, you are right, I just didn't know that. This thread has helped.

slithy, your last post describes someone with a serious issue with alcohol himself, I'm afraid.