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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cut her out of my life?

61 replies

MB34 · 04/05/2014 20:50

Sorry if this is long but don't want to drip feed.

I have been friends with a girl for about 25 years. We used to meet up when we could as we've sometimes lived in different countries. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding (one of two - the other being my sister). We now live about 40 mins car journey from each other. Her parents and her DH's parents live near me and she lives near my sister.

For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult to get her to arrange a time/date to meet as if I suggest something, her stock answer is "I can't make it". If I say "let me know when you're free", I don't hear from her and she rarely initiates meeting up. Or sometimes if we do manage to arrange a date, she'll cancel with a lame excuse (IMO) at the last minute.

When I became pregnant with DS she was thrilled and said that it would be the closest thing to being pregnant/being a mum to her as she can't have children due to health reasons. She's an only child too so no siblings to share an experience with either and she's always said that I'm the closest thing she has to a sister.

I probably only saw her 2 or 3 times during my pregnancy but put it down to us both working full time and me being tired.

When I gave birth, she was the only friend I invited to the hospital to see me (I was in for 5 days as I was very poorly) and on a photo I had posted on Fb of her and DS she wrote 'my boy'. I was happy that she was happy and felt like she was going to be a big part of DS's life.

Fast forward 17 months and she's seen DS a further twice (maybe three times) and I've seen her once more as we went to a gig with my sister and another friend. She knows I was on mat leave for a year and have gone back to work 3 days a week so am available a lot more. Her and her DH were invited to DS's 'family only' first birthday party, but an hour before it started, she text to say that their boiler had broken and they both had to stay in and wait for the repair man (they both drive and have a car each).

On New Years Eve, her, another friend and myself were trying to arrange to meet up in the afternoon for a few hours. She said she couldn't make it until a certain time so there were numerous texts back and forth on that morning, trying to arrange it so she could come, after about an hour she said she wouldn't come after all.

It was another 6 weeks before she text me again saying she has DS's birthday and Christmas presents and she'll drop them around to my sister's house if that's easier for me. (Not even a 'how are you') so I wrote back asking how she was, how was work and inviting her round or to meet up so she could give DS the presents herself. Three weeks later I receive a reply saying she can't come round as she's just found another health problem and has just had it seen to.

I stewed on this for a few days but gave her the benefit of the doubt, I text her again saying I knew she was having a tough time at the moment (she found out last October that she can't adopt either - I don't know why) and I would like us to have a catch up so as the Easter holidays were coming up, to let me know when she was free and we'd arrange something. She replied saying it would be nice to see me as I'm the closest thing she has to a sister. Not a sausage about a date to meet and nothing since.

Yesterday I found out that she had gone to my niece's birthday party on Friday - the same party which my niece told me that no adults were invited to (apart from her mum and dad obviously). She was also at my nephew's first birthday (last June) and several baby showers of her other friends, in the last few months.

I'm really torn at the moment - I really couldn't care less now if I saw her again or not and don't want to ask again about meeting up but my sister knows all of this and doesn't see a problem. She thinks I'm BU as she thinks 'friend' is a lovely person and has been going through a tough time so I should cut her some slack.

So, AIBU to not want to see her again?

OP posts:
Raskova · 04/05/2014 20:57

Could it be that seeing you with DS is a lot harder for her than she ever thought? Selfish but could be why.

You need to talk to her about it

Jinglebells99 · 04/05/2014 21:01

Yes you abu. Why not try putting yourself in her shoes. She can't have children, she can't adopt. She has health issues. And all around her her friends are having babies, kids birthdays, baby showers. For a lot of women unable to have a family of their own, each event will be a reminder of the fact that she is unable to. How would you feel if you couldn't have a family and everyone else was seemingly with ease.

Casmama · 04/05/2014 21:04

Either she finds it difficult that someone she was so close to has what she really wants- a child- which might be more painful than people she is less close to.
Alternatively she may want to let the friendship slide because she just doesn't get on with you as well as she used to.

Either way I think you need to back off and stop making all the effort- it will either make her realise what she has to lose or sadly will show that she doesn't want to continue the friendship for whatever reason.

Original poster
MB34 · 04/05/2014 21:09

Yes, that's what I thought but I'm bemused by her behaviour at going to all these other baby/child related things and she can't make time for me.

I said in my last text to her that I'd sort childcare for DS so we can have a proper catch up (more for me than her, as he's very active and wouldn't sit still for longer than 5 minutes and I'd be running around after him), she said to bring him as she "isn't scared of kids lol!" - her words.

I am prepared for everyone to tell me that IABU and if so, I'll take it but if I can't get her to to arrange a date with me and stick to it, what chance have I got of talking to her about it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MB34 · 04/05/2014 21:12

If that is the case mama - that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then I'm fine with that!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/05/2014 21:13

I don't think YABU at all.

You said 'For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult to get her to arrange a time/date to meet '

So frankly I would stop bothering.

I'd lay odds you won't hear from her again.

NorwegianBirdhouse · 04/05/2014 21:21

Whatever the reason, she is giving you the run around and being very inconsiderate to your feelings. Esp if she is seeing all these other babies. You will probably being feeling even worse as you may think she is rejecting your DS.

I would give up on this for now. You have been so patient but you must be starting to feel a fool. If she gets over her issue, she may contact you again in the future.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2014 21:56

"For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult to get her to arrange a time/date to meet"
Since her behaviour predates your DS, I really don't think that you now being a mother has anything to do with it.

"she found out last October that she can't adopt either - I don't know why"
Maybe she takes three weeks to respond to their communications too . Sorry, but the fact she spends time with your sister (who lives near her) and can't even bother to respond to a text from you for three weeks speaks volumes. Cut her from your life. It'll take her a year or so to notice it, by which time you'll be over her shitty behaviour.

Topaz25 · 04/05/2014 22:02

It sounds like she has already cut you out as you have to make all the effort to arrange meeting up and she avoids it. Stop making the effort and you probably won't see her again.

everlong · 04/05/2014 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AveryJessup · 04/05/2014 23:19

Hmm... I was going to post that you should be easy on her as she might be having a hard time accepting that she will never be a parent. Then you posted that she went to your niece's birthday party, baby showers and other child-focused events so that doesn't sound plausible.

Sounds like she is just not keen on spending time with you anymore. Maybe she feels she has nothing in common with you anymore or maybe she is jealous of you - it's hard to know. Either way it doesn't sound like the friendship is going anywhere so I'd just cool off and leave it to her to get in touch from now on (which doesn't sound like it's going to happen so the friendship will probably just peter out...)

IWillIfHeWill · 04/05/2014 23:36

Leave it. She isn't bothered about the relationship. You've gone into a lot of detail about how she hasn't been the friend you'd like over the years. Let it go.

springydaffs · 05/05/2014 00:33

Sounds like she doesn't value what she has in you. Bit of a cheek to go to your sister's house when she is being so crap with you. Your sister sounds useless tbh, zero emotional support. Perhaps they deserve one another.

As much as you say you couldn't care less - and I appreciate that on one level - it's hard to lose an old friend imo. Especially as she's dragged it out.

LucieLucie · 05/05/2014 01:38

Did you have your baby christened at all? I'm just wondering if something like that has put her nose out of joint ie not being asked to be god parent or something.

It sounds like she is actually closer with your sister at the moment and doesn't want to cause problems with her by cutting you out so she's remaining in touch halfheartedly with you.

You'll probably never get to the bottom of her reasons for going cold on you, people can be so fickle and simply please themselves.

Just enjoy your baby and don't make further contact with her unless she gets in touch and just remain cool.

Like you say, infertility is hard but that doesn't explain her avoidance of you.

Thumbwitch · 05/05/2014 01:46

Just let it go. Stop contacting her, send her birthday cards still if that's what you normally do, but stop trying to see her. She'll either call you to find out what's what, in which case you can tell her that you've just given up as she clearly can't find time to see you, but can see your sister and others; or she won't call you and you'll drift into non-contact.

There's no need to make a big song and dance about "going non-contact" - it's almost there anyway. As for your sister, it's none of her business what relationship you and this woman have - she has her own relationship with her, and that's hers to deal with.

YANBU, by the way - but there is something going on behind the scenes that means this woman CBA to come and see you, so either you need to push to find out what that is (and are not likely to get any answers anyway) or just let it go, as I said first of all.

AiryFairyHairyAndScary · 05/05/2014 01:56

I would just leave it and not bother contacting her. If you happen to see her when you are a family get together then you can still chat and be friendly but she has clearly moved on. It doesn't mean that your friendship wasn't important to her in the past it just means that it isn't now. Friendships can ebb and flow especially when kids come along.
I hope you have some other good friends to concerntrate on.

musicalendorphins2 · 05/05/2014 03:48

I'd forget about her, so if you do hear from her, it will be a "nice surprise". If she wants to make arrangements to visit, let her, but do not count on it until she arrives. If you get invited elsewhere on same date as the supposed day of visit, accept the new offer, and cancel on her, as you know chances are she will cancel anyways.

PrincessBabyCat · 05/05/2014 04:06

For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult to get her to arrange a time/date to meet

I have a friend that's the same way. We're great friends, it's just hard to align work schedules. Life comes up. Or we're just terrible planners.

Maybe planning just isn't her strong point?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/05/2014 08:27

She's just not that into you. Maybe you need to ease off and accept that this is going to be a birthday card/Christmas card/meet up once a year kind of relationship. That's fine. I think the problem is your desire/motivation currently exceeds hers significantly.

ThePriory · 05/05/2014 08:36

Yes, sad as it may be for you, but she isn't bothered. Enjoy your family and other friends, don't worry about this one. YANBU.

FanjolinaJolie · 05/05/2014 08:47

I am in almost the same exact situation.

Long term friend, we were bridesmaids for each other, I moved to the UK, she suffered a tragic loss of one of her immediate family members and moved towns within our home country (Australasia)

We were living in different countries for 12 years. I keep up emails and phone calls. We both had two children, she lost a parent. I lost a brother. She has never called me once. Slow to respond to emails (takes weeks to reply or not at all)

The only time we have seen each other is when I have been back in our home country and have flown to see her.

The final straw came when I was back for one Christmas for only three weeks, did the usual thing of giving her the dates I would be back, never heard from her, then after I had left again found out she was in my home town catching up with another mutual friend while I was back.

It upset me for about six months, I couldn't get my head around it.

A year ago I moved back to our home country with my husband and children. Intentionally I have not contacted her other than 'mass' emails to advise our moving dates and new address/phone etc. Not heard from her at all. She has not met my children aged 7 and 9 while I have met her children on two occasions. I know (from mutual friend) that she is regularly in my town with her work.

Now I am in a quandary. I am travelling to her town with my husband as a surprise for his birthday. I am always 'the bigger person' and will probably get in touch to say I am coming, does she want to catch up? Am I a mug??

Perhaps I am just not getting the hint.

Perhaps our friendship has not endured so much distance?

Perhaps her losses have changed her as a person??

WipsGlitter · 05/05/2014 08:48

It's hard but I think you have to leave it.

I have a good friend who got married and basically went weird. Started drinking lots and smoking (at age 38!) She became very elusive. I tried organising lots if meet ups and was blanked so I took the decision to step back and see what happened.

I think you need to do the same.

Appletini · 05/05/2014 08:53

OP, I'm not suggesting this is what's happened here but I'm going to post just in case it's somehow relevant.

I had to put off TTC for health reasons right when a close friend got pg. That would have been okay, and I went to other child related things at the time.

But this friend kept telling me how much her life had changed and how little I understood, which was very hard to take. I ended up backing right off.

Of course she may well just be a flake.

ChasedByBees · 05/05/2014 09:40

Fanjolina - I'd leave it. She obviously doesn't want to meet. I think if she realises you've stopped chasing her then she might stop taking you for granted and rekindle the friendship.

OP, I'd have the same advice for you, she may be going through a hard time but she can call you and ask for support if so. You've given her enough opportunity to get in touch.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/05/2014 09:45

Yanbu at all, she found the time to go to your nephew and nieces birthday, but not tge child of her supposedly best friend. I would be hurt. Mabey give her a call to see if she is ok, and ask her about herself, she might find your child harder to be with as your closer to her. If this does not work, just step back and give her space.

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