to want to cut her out of my life?

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Sorry if this is long but don't want to drip feed.

I have been friends with a girl for about 25 years. We used to meet up when we could as we've sometimes lived in different countries. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding (one of two - the other being my sister). We now live about 40 mins car journey from each other. Her parents and her DH's parents live near me and she lives near my sister.

For as long as I can remember, it's always been difficult to get her to arrange a time/date to meet as if I suggest something, her stock answer is "I can't make it". If I say "let me know when you're free", I don't hear from her and she rarely initiates meeting up. Or sometimes if we do manage to arrange a date, she'll cancel with a lame excuse (IMO) at the last minute.

When I became pregnant with DS she was thrilled and said that it would be the closest thing to being pregnant/being a mum to her as she can't have children due to health reasons. She's an only child too so no siblings to share an experience with either and she's always said that I'm the closest thing she has to a sister.

I probably only saw her 2 or 3 times during my pregnancy but put it down to us both working full time and me being tired.

When I gave birth, she was the only friend I invited to the hospital to see me (I was in for 5 days as I was very poorly) and on a photo I had posted on Fb of her and DS she wrote 'my boy'. I was happy that she was happy and felt like she was going to be a big part of DS's life.

Fast forward 17 months and she's seen DS a further twice (maybe three times) and I've seen her once more as we went to a gig with my sister and another friend. She knows I was on mat leave for a year and have gone back to work 3 days a week so am available a lot more. Her and her DH were invited to DS's 'family only' first birthday party, but an hour before it started, she text to say that their boiler had broken and they both had to stay in and wait for the repair man (they both drive and have a car each).

On New Years Eve, her, another friend and myself were trying to arrange to meet up in the afternoon for a few hours. She said she couldn't make it until a certain time so there were numerous texts back and forth on that morning, trying to arrange it so she could come, after about an hour she said she wouldn't come after all.

It was another 6 weeks before she text me again saying she has DS's birthday and Christmas presents and she'll drop them around to my sister's house if that's easier for me. (Not even a 'how are you') so I wrote back asking how she was, how was work and inviting her round or to meet up so she could give DS the presents herself. Three weeks later I receive a reply saying she can't come round as she's just found another health problem and has just had it seen to.

I stewed on this for a few days but gave her the benefit of the doubt, I text her again saying I knew she was having a tough time at the moment (she found out last October that she can't adopt either - I don't know why) and I would like us to have a catch up so as the Easter holidays were coming up, to let me know when she was free and we'd arrange something. She replied saying it would be nice to see me as I'm the closest thing she has to a sister. Not a sausage about a date to meet and nothing since.

Yesterday I found out that she had gone to my niece's birthday party on Friday - the same party which my niece told me that no adults were invited to (apart from her mum and dad obviously). She was also at my nephew's first birthday (last June) and several baby showers of her other friends, in the last few months.

I'm really torn at the moment - I really couldn't care less now if I saw her again or not and don't want to ask again about meeting up but my sister knows all of this and doesn't see a problem. She thinks I'm BU as she thinks 'friend' is a lovely person and has been going through a tough time so I should cut her some slack.

So, AIBU to not want to see her again?

Fajolina just leave it too, she is obviously not interested. There are other friends out there.

Yes I agree, mabey call her if not just cut her off, she does not seem interested

Thank you all for your replies. In my head I was BU but because I look up to my sister and value her opinion, I felt like the worst person in the world for not wanting to see her again.

Lucie DS isn't christened so I don't think it's any reason like that.

Princess wrt planning, she's a teacher so should be good at it! Maybe she's just not good at planning her social life!

Fan if this was your AIBU I would say YADNBU and to cut contact as she sounds as though she really doesn't want to know you anymore. Isn't it funny how we're so caught up in these situations that we can't see what's right on front of us! Probably as a PP said - we've been friends for a long time and it can be hard to accept when it's over.

Appletini sorry about your issues TTC, have you been able to try since? Tbh I think she thinks this whole situation is the other way around. A few months ago she posted on FB an article saying how children shouldn't divide women into parents and non-parents - everyone should be able to get along regardless of who has children or not! It angered me a little as if you have to think about and post articles about it, she's obviously got an issue. I've never thought about whether my friends have kids or not as long as they are my genuine friends.

i would not make any more effort and leave the ball in her court. see if she wants to meet up and let her make the arrangements.

i have a friend who does want to meet but always on her terms and at least cost / effort to her. it seems like she almost wants me to make more effort to prove that i value the friendship. does that make sense? like she wants me to jump through hoops to prove how important our friendship is. this is the conclusion i've come to from knowing her for a long time and fb statuses etc. it's a low self esteem thing. i've stopped bothering because in my book it has to be a two way thing. i'm not always going to be the one to make all the effort.

do you think the same thing could be going on here?

I was going to say that she has problems seeing with your ds and must find it difficult until I read that she goes to kids parties and baby showers etc... So it doesn't sound like an issue regarding pregnancy and children.

Yanbu and tbh in your shoes I'd just let it fizzle out. I wouldn't contact her any more. See if she makes more effort when she realises you haven't contacted her.

No YANBU at all.

The children/adoption issue aside, I could have written this post. Best friend from school does this all the time. We arrange to meet and I will get a "sorry hun" text the day before we are due to meet up. We don't live close to each other now so logistics are a problem. She has done this for 15 years and she has only seen my son three times in his life. She was supposed to come round last week and I got "the text". Saw her Facebook profile and she had bailed on me to go out on the lash. I am her bridesmaid next year but I am seriously questioning the friendship. It's great when we do meet up but I'm sick of being bailed on (usually for a bloke ).

Really feel for you OP - it's really horrible to be treated this way.

Fanjolina - I agree with PPs, give her up. Do not bother to contact her to let her know that you'll be in her area because a) serves her right (childish, I know) and b) she may STILL refuse to make an arrangement to see you which would just hurt more.

Let her go too. She's obviously moved on from your friendship more than you have.

I have done this with people in the UK - been living in Australia for nearly 5 years now, but been back every year with DS1 and the last 2 years with DS2, because I want them and my family to know each other. Some friends have been assiduous at making sure we meet up when I'm over, and others have been very "meh" about it. So as time has gone on, I do a group email to let people know, text them as well, and if they then still CBA to respond, tough tits.

FanjolinaJolie

I'm sorry, but she couldn't have made it clearer - you don't have a friendship anymore.

Just leave it.

Just leave it, no need for major confrontation, sounds like your making all the effort. Friendship is a two way street

Yes second the above, don't make the effort or stress about it -people move on.

Send her chatty email now & again, with family news, birthday cards etc, but don't expect replies or attendance at anything & if she does its a pleasant surprise. Doesn't have to be a dramatic severing of ties more a gentle continuation of the drift she's been slipping in to for years.

She sounds like hard work you don't need!!

Just to be devils advocate I can see her point of view. Having had six miscarriages and watching all of my female friends pop babies out like it was no big deal I've found it extremely hard dealing with their pregnancies and most of them have been really understanding but not all and if they're not then that's fine, it's my issue and my pain after all and I distance myself from them. It's been the hardest with my oldest friend because we have so much history and she's known how much I've desperately wanted a baby. I have seen her a few times but it is REALLY hard and sometimes when you're at your lowest ebb there's not enough energy to paint on your smile and go in to battle. It doesn't mean I'm not hugely happy for my friends and I don't want anyone to feel how I feel but maybe for your friends own wellbeing she's distancing herself from you because she just can't take it. It must have been so hard to go to the hospital but she did it because she does care about you. On the days she went to other parties/ christenings etc they must have been good days but not every day will be a good one. I've backed out of things sometimes because it's got to the day and I've been an emotional wreck and no one wants a misery ruining their special day. I know it's hurtful and disappointing to you but you do have your child and that is an amazing thing. Imagine wanting a family and knowing you'll never have it. Also, I don't think anyone who had to face up to that would see her actions as selfish. She might just be trying to protect herself from hurt as much as possible. We all need some control over our live no matter how small that control may be.

But she gives to other friends baby showers, and op nephews 1st birthday. Op has said it's always been very difficult to arrange things with her. Just no communicate, and see if she comes to you and makes tge effort,if she does not you have your answer.

YANBU. My mum had a friend like this. they were friends for 15+ years then as soon as she got married she wouldn't see my mum, set foot in our house, etc, make excuses not to come round...

It seems like she has a lot to deal with, and you only seem concerned about yourself in this relationship.
Also its woman, not girl. And texted, not text.

It sounds like you are beginning to catch up to the fact that she is not your friend. Just stop bothering her.

Beer don't be so pedantic. She has always been very flaky not just recently. Just leave it, and leave the ball in her court.

I think you're a bit over-invested in the relationship and she doesn't care as much about it as you do.

Some people are incapable of "equal" relationships. They either have to be the one calling all the shots and have people dangling on a string, or they're the ones hanging around for crumbs from someone else. I agree with another poster that it sounds like a low self esteem thing.

There's every chance that if you back off, she'll suddenly want to make more effort as you'll be elusive then and therefore more "worthy" of making an effort.

In any event, I think you should back off. I'm sure you have much better friends than this one.

You sound as if you've out grown one another. I'd leave it now. Don't waste energy on things that you can't change. You'll meet other friends especially when LO starts school.

I had a friend like this. Except she's got the kids and I haven't. Her children called me aunty, etc. We've known each other since we were 5. Then for some reason she just didn't reply to my wedding invitation. I sent her a few texts asking if her/DH/DCs were coming and she finally replied with a one-liner along the lines of she 'couldn't commit' as she 'didn't know what she'd be doing' on that day. I was really, really upset.

Then it dawned on me that I'd always been the one doing the running around/making the effort and on the ONE occasion I wanted her to be there for me, she couldn't be arsed. I haven't spoken to her since. Not because I've ignored her texts or calls or anything, just because I haven't made the effort to contact her and as the friendship had always been one-way, it's just ended. It's nice that I have more time to see the friends who do make the effort.

Are you sure you meant pedantic? Because there is nothing pedantic about my comment, you probably, mean a different word.

Sorry, ignore that. I couldnt see hslf of my post (im in traction so my angles are off)!

Well, beershuffle

you wrote "its woman, not girl."

I think you'll find it's "it's".

You also seem to have a penchant for beginning sentences with a conjunction which was always frowned upon when I was at school although I believe modern grammar turns a blind eye to this.

Your bon mots aren't quite Algonquin Round Table ready yet, are they?

Yeah I see thst now. As I said, its hard to type flat on ones back.
I can see what I wrote now and can see that I was correct. Im afraid I wouldnt know the rules you were taught in school as english was not the first language of my education.
Im amazed how many native speakers struggle with the basics though so I thought, Id kindly assist. Flattered that you take them as bon mots though, unintentional as that was.

Basic rule though - Read own post thoroughly before criticising other people's spelling and grammar.

Beer, it's considered very bad form to have a go at spelling and grammar on a thread whilst offering nothing by way of advice to the OP.

Why not have a little trip over to 'Pedants Corner'?