Just a night out......

[JustAnonForAWhile]

Hi all. I'm looking for a bit of impartiality here, just so I know if I'm justified in being miffed.
But.. Before I start - I'm not looking to break up with my DP...
Oh.. It's a loong post too..

Ok..
My girlfriend and I had a rocky patch about a month ago and we came close to breaking up.
But.. We sorted things and it's now (a lot) better.

On Thursday she asks me "what do you think I should do?"
After getting some haemoglobin to of granite, I found out that it was her works annual do (they work over Xmas and so have an amazing black tie event about this time every year).
Last year, she invited me, but cancelled at the last minute..

This year, when they asked her if we were going, she procrastinated. When it came to the cut off date, it coincided with the rough patch.

She told me that she had assumed that we wouldn't be together now, so. She said she would be going alone.

When she told me, I felt heartbroken, almost betrayed.. Because she had given in completely on us. God knows how we made it through this if she felt this way.

I'd really wanted to go last year. I haven't had an occasion (other than funerals) to put on a suit in nearly a decade. TBH I am gutted that I'm not going - one of the reasons that I don't trust my judgement on this.
I love going out, but we haven't been out for anything more than a carvery for months and we haven't been out for a night out for over a year.

However.. She asked me what she should do.
I said that I was really hurt that she had so little (no) faith in the relationship just a few weeks ago, but that I didn't have a problem with her going (perhaps a little white lie).. Because I presumed that she wouldn't go.. If I'd had so little faith in her and booked to go out without her..??
Well.. I wouldn't do that.

That night she said she needed to get some bits an pieces and.. She forgets what the last thing was.. from town - did I want to come?
Well.. Sure. She knows that I need some stuff.
In the morning, it turns out that she wanted to go buy something to wear to this black tie event.

I declined to go with her. I didn't swear, but I was rather grumpy.

She comes back from town.
The garment is tried on.
It doesn't fit....

She is gutted. I can tell that.
I offer to go with her to the shopping centre about an hour away, so she can see if she can get the right size (they didn't have the next size up, in town).
I understand having to buy the next size up is traumatic.. Only beaten by the sickness as you realise that you don't fit in the size you bought.
This is all compounded by the fact she is dieting really hard.

We go to the "mall".
They don't have what she wants.

Cue tears. While i drove her there to be supportive, I look like some abusive partner in front of thousands of people, because of some fucking clothing, bought for an occasion that has been a dagger in my heart.
She decides she isn't going.
This makes my blood boil.
She was quite happy to go, knowing she has really, really hurt me..
But now she can't get one particular outfit...?

I feel used, cheap and completely and utterly expendable. Worth precisely zero to her.
I have no idea why I'm here tbh.

We come home.
She breaks down, tells me how important this outfit was - how bad she feels about her figure because her diet isn't yet yielding the results (it is, by the way)..

It's a long drawn out sobbing thing where she breaks out all the excuses... And somehow makes all this my fault..
We were close to breaking up,
'Most' other people aren't bring partners, and so on and on.

She's genuinely upset and can NOT see how I feel. She's too far gone. She suffers from depression and sometimes.. Well.. Allowances have to be made.
Usually she comes round later, apologises and makes up for how she's acted.

I bite down the feelings of actual anger. Hold her while she sobs. Tell her I love her.

This morning, she has got up early and bought another outfit.
This one fits.

She's spent the whole day upstairs getting ready, ignoring my kids visit completely (I'm divorced).

And now... She's come down and informed me that it is expected that I drop her off and pick her up later.

I am so ap-so-fucking-lutely furious I can barely speak.. and so hurt that I can barely breathe.

So. Please... AIBU?

No. I dont think so. I would feel the same i am sure.

Given that you dont want to leave her etc, what do you need? Is it that you just needed to get it out and have people listen and perhaps see your pov? Its not that you are looking for advice or anything, is that right? Just a listening ear?

No I don't think yabu. She sounds rather selfish, or at the least very thoughtless.

I don't really have any advice for you though, other than tell her what you have told us. But I guess that's not an option?

to be honest with you?!

Looks like your relationship is on the rocks especially after a rocky patch a month ago. UNLESS you can talk I'd think about ending it. Maybe she will.

oh no you're not BU.

Honestly? I'd be pissed off with her attitude too. And she would be sorting out her own transport there and back, I wouldn't be giving her a lift there and certainly wouldn't be picking her up under the circumstances.

In your partner's shoes, I would've probably done the same.

It could have been awful for her if you hadn't got back together and she then had to explain to work colleagues about the break-up, particularly if the firm has to pay per head for guests (and, at swanky black tie events, this can be quite a lot). I don't think it shows a lack of faith in your relationship, particularly if most other partners wouldn't be going.

I think you are being a bit u. There's always next year, and it seems like this is a molehill that is rapidly becoming a mountain.

If you want to wear a suit, take her out somewhere swanky just the two of you. I'm sure the rough patch wasn't easy on her either, and she shouldn't be made to feel bad that she decided to do something without you whilst things were shaky.

Re the dress - yes, she is being a little bit unreasonable, but I think you'll be hard pushed to find anybody who hasn't had a 'I've got nothing to wear/I look awful/I'm too fat....I'm not going' moment.

And to be fair, if she wanted picking up/dropping off, she should have given you more notice.

Well this event seems way too important to both of you IMO.

I understand getting a bit stressy over a dress but her behaviour is really OTT.

If you haven't had a night out for so long and you would have liked one, why haven't you organised one?

OP, your post is really very rambling... (e.g. what the hell does After getting some haemoglobin to of granite mean?). I get that you are upset, but you really do come across as very 'Me, Me, Me' - sorry..!
Your DP had to make the decision about attending this occasion at a time when she must have felt extremely upset – she would not have said that she was going alone unless she felt helpless and hopeless about your relationship. However much you 'want to wear a suit', this has nothing to do with where you are now.
Two things puzzle me;

1. that you are, despite having told her that you understand, still holding this decision against her and getting yourself ap-so-fucking-lutely furious I can barely speak.. and so hurt that I can barely breathe about something that you have known about for some time and
2. that you have your children visiting you this weekend, which indicates that you expected her to cancel her plans, despite pretending to support her (as I assume that you have no babysitter to allow you to go out together as an alternative plan..?) The phrase ‘Usually she comes round later, apologises and makes up for how she's acted’ indicates that you are used to having your own way – and controlling her behaviour. Frankly, you come across (rightly or wrongly) as someone who is aghast at the fact that his ‘pet’ is not obeying as she has been taught.

YABVU

Ok, just based on what you have said.

It's a work do so based on my experience she probably has to go or lose face at work.

Of course (though it may on the surface appear trivial) the dress is important - she wants to make a good impression at a work event. If she's currently a little bit insecure about how she looks then everything is magnified of course.

This event and associated drama is only a reflection of how she feels about herself not necessarily your relationship.

I'm sorry you are hurt and in your place I'm not sure I'd be providing a taxi service. Give it a day or two and talk it through calmly.

???????????????

Ooh that was all a bit dramatic.

You'd all but split up when she booked the ticket, so fair enough she didn't get one for you.

She asked if you were okay for her to go, you said yes in a presumably PA way. So fair enough to go. (Ps dagger in my heart seems a bit OTT).

She shouldn't have rubbed it in your face and the tantrumming/sobbing etc is massively OTT.

On reflection it all seems like a mountain out of a molehill and like YA both BU.

She sounds like a spoilt brat.

I would be wondering exactly why she didn't want me at her "do" and I would also be wondering if the big diet and Special Party Frock were for someone else's benefit.

Sorry but you sound needy, clingy and far too sensitive.
I think you need to get a grip.

SueDoku, blood out of a stone, I think.

yanbu, and I don't think you sound spoilt or needy, I think your partner comes across like that though, from the post.

I think you're seriously overreacting. You were going through a rough patch, she had to make a decision. She probably thought at the time that you wouldn't want to be there, or to be with her at all.

Once the decision was made, there was obviously no possibility of changing it and adding you to the guest list, so of course whe would go alone. I actually think it's strange that you would expect her to cancel. If it's a work do it's probably quite important that she shows her face.

As for all the stuff with the dress, yes, maybe a bit insensitive knowing how upset you are, but she's obviously feeling very self-conscious.

Honestly OP - you were over dramatic thinking that because she was upset in a public place people would thing it was down to you. She should be enough of a grown up not to cry in the shopping mall.

If she wanted lifts she should have given more notice.

I don't see what was rambling about the post - long, but had all the details.

Sue he meant blood out of a stone, but the typo meant it difficult to understand.

Sounds as though she is very self-obsessed, but perhaps a lot hinges on the do for her. You sound supportive though.

YANBU to be hurt but I think that without talking to her and telling her how you feel about the subject you're going to keep speculating in your head and make it worse for yourself for example;

She's bought a new dress and got so upset about getting the right one that she had to go back to find another dress, she is on a diet and is worried that it is doing nothing to her figure and she doesn't want you at the 'do'- Is she trying to impress someone else?

You nearly broke up a month ago and she doesn't want you at the 'do'- Did she confide in work colleagues and feels a bit silly showing up with you now?

See what I mean?

Is it usual for a works' do to be on a Sunday night or on a B/H weekend?

You sound as though you are trying very hard to make something mundane sound like a drama. Its a works do. Some people either take partners or don't. I would think that it is within the average adult male's capability, if it is so important to him, to arrange a night out with his partner, not involving her work, where he will get to wear a suit. Do you have any friends or hobbies with which to assist you in gaining a sense of perspective.

I'm wondering whether all your dramatics are driving her to the point of exasperation. That really is one of the most rambling, attention seeking pieces of nonsense I've ever read. Are you very elderly? Why do you refer to "the garment" and the mall in inverted commas?

We go to the "mall".
...
While i drove her there to be supportive, I look like some abusive partner...
She decides she isn't going...
This makes my blood boil...
I feel used, cheap and completely and utterly expendable. Worth precisely zero to her...

I see why you're upset, would be too.

Expecting you to drive her Is rubbing it in!

LTB

The driving thing is the most reasonable part of the whole thing AFAIC. Provided it's not 100s of miles away, DH would always drive me to such a do and collect me afterwards. That way he knows I'm safe -and we save the cab fare-- I do the same for him.

Surely it's unlikely that she's preening for someone else's benefit if she's asked her DP to collect her at the end of the evening?

Unfortunately there is really only room for one drama queen in a relationship.

After getting some haemoglobin to of granite, maybe she feels she can't talk to you, you come across as very passive agressive and quite sulky.

Usually she comes round later, apologises and makes up for how she's acted. sounds to me that you are used to getting your own way and is now so fucking furious because she is going against you.

Have you asked her not to go? No probably no because that would show you up as the no so nice guy.

Has she really ignored your children or again she she not doing what you want.

Tell her to have a nice time, and there nothing stopping you taking her out in your suit once in a while

She is being incredibly unreasonable expecting you to drive her there. Tell her to stick to the arrangement she made when didn't bother getting you a ticket.

You were being unreasonable to expect her not to go because you weren't going, and in turn you were unreasonable to get angry that would would have gone without you but would not have gone without a decent outfit. It's fair for you to have been angry about her stripping and saying she wouldn't go after you'd just driven her miles go get an outfit though.

Overall though, she doesn't sound like a very considerate or loyal person, and she is being selfish if she can't open her mind a little bit to see how you feel.