Just a night out......

[JustAnonForAWhile]

Hi all. I'm looking for a bit of impartiality here, just so I know if I'm justified in being miffed.
But.. Before I start - I'm not looking to break up with my DP...
Oh.. It's a loong post too..

Ok..
My girlfriend and I had a rocky patch about a month ago and we came close to breaking up.
But.. We sorted things and it's now (a lot) better.

On Thursday she asks me "what do you think I should do?"
After getting some haemoglobin to of granite, I found out that it was her works annual do (they work over Xmas and so have an amazing black tie event about this time every year).
Last year, she invited me, but cancelled at the last minute..

This year, when they asked her if we were going, she procrastinated. When it came to the cut off date, it coincided with the rough patch.

She told me that she had assumed that we wouldn't be together now, so. She said she would be going alone.

When she told me, I felt heartbroken, almost betrayed.. Because she had given in completely on us. God knows how we made it through this if she felt this way.

I'd really wanted to go last year. I haven't had an occasion (other than funerals) to put on a suit in nearly a decade. TBH I am gutted that I'm not going - one of the reasons that I don't trust my judgement on this.
I love going out, but we haven't been out for anything more than a carvery for months and we haven't been out for a night out for over a year.

However.. She asked me what she should do.
I said that I was really hurt that she had so little (no) faith in the relationship just a few weeks ago, but that I didn't have a problem with her going (perhaps a little white lie).. Because I presumed that she wouldn't go.. If I'd had so little faith in her and booked to go out without her..??
Well.. I wouldn't do that.

That night she said she needed to get some bits an pieces and.. She forgets what the last thing was.. from town - did I want to come?
Well.. Sure. She knows that I need some stuff.
In the morning, it turns out that she wanted to go buy something to wear to this black tie event.

I declined to go with her. I didn't swear, but I was rather grumpy.

She comes back from town.
The garment is tried on.
It doesn't fit....

She is gutted. I can tell that.
I offer to go with her to the shopping centre about an hour away, so she can see if she can get the right size (they didn't have the next size up, in town).
I understand having to buy the next size up is traumatic.. Only beaten by the sickness as you realise that you don't fit in the size you bought.
This is all compounded by the fact she is dieting really hard.

We go to the "mall".
They don't have what she wants.

Cue tears. While i drove her there to be supportive, I look like some abusive partner in front of thousands of people, because of some fucking clothing, bought for an occasion that has been a dagger in my heart.
She decides she isn't going.
This makes my blood boil.
She was quite happy to go, knowing she has really, really hurt me..
But now she can't get one particular outfit...?

I feel used, cheap and completely and utterly expendable. Worth precisely zero to her.
I have no idea why I'm here tbh.

We come home.
She breaks down, tells me how important this outfit was - how bad she feels about her figure because her diet isn't yet yielding the results (it is, by the way)..

It's a long drawn out sobbing thing where she breaks out all the excuses... And somehow makes all this my fault..
We were close to breaking up,
'Most' other people aren't bring partners, and so on and on.

She's genuinely upset and can NOT see how I feel. She's too far gone. She suffers from depression and sometimes.. Well.. Allowances have to be made.
Usually she comes round later, apologises and makes up for how she's acted.

I bite down the feelings of actual anger. Hold her while she sobs. Tell her I love her.

This morning, she has got up early and bought another outfit.
This one fits.

She's spent the whole day upstairs getting ready, ignoring my kids visit completely (I'm divorced).

And now... She's come down and informed me that it is expected that I drop her off and pick her up later.

I am so ap-so-fucking-lutely furious I can barely speak.. and so hurt that I can barely breathe.

So. Please... AIBU?

She sounds like a right bratty princess.
Not a chance in hell I would have picked her up.

thanks for keeping me company during all that waiting
FFS op, get a grip

YANBU

Dump the drama llama & get yourself an adult girlfriend & while you're at it take stock of your own childish behavior.

I've seen 15 yr olds date with more finess.

You both sound like total douches who need to grow up and get a life! She clearly is on the prowl and didn't want you at her work do. She is childish and immature. Who cries in a shop over a dress FFS!
You are pathetic to let this entitled princess walk all over you. You should perhaps try and see your kids more often as they would be better company and more grown up. You sound needy and insecure and I can't believe you sat in waiting for your dp to call you to collect her like your her driver.
Oh and how odd she doesn't want to go out with you? I wonder why you are not her partner you are staff!

She does indeed sound like a teenager on the prowl. It's a work event, not the prom.

Firstly I don't think her nt buying you a ticket is really such a big deal, she thought you were over - I cancelled my dps second card on my credit card once when I thought we were finished!

It just all sounds like too much hard work and to be honest over very little. Maybe you are focusing on this instead of the real problem?

I can't believe what I have just read! All this drama over a partner's work do from a man who is nearly 40?! You sound like a complete loon and immature to boot.

red is right about her being on the lookout, seems she's trying to line up a replacement before getting rid of you.

all the distress she showed before the event was to do with herself and her appearance, nothing to do with where your relationship is at. she was angry she couldn't look the way she wanted to.

I'd move on before you're dumped.

Formal work dos are often bloody boring. I've never been to my DH's. You seem to think you are missing out massively and that this is some sort of evidence that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. I'd just say that many people like to keep formal work events separate to their private lives. I get on great with my DH but neither of us would especially want to go to the other's work things. Why would I want to spend a night chatting to his boss? It's totally different to your partner and you going for a few drinks with work colleagues that she especially likes.

If you are upset that she felt she had 'given up' on you relationship, think about the following: you were going through a rough patch; she was put on the spot by work by having to give an answer- better to say no than possibly have to explain your absence at a later date; she might have enjoyed going on her own rather than having to do formal intros all night and check you weren't bored rigid.

Well my take on it is that she would rather go on her own and she doesn't ever want to go out the two of you.

That would have me concerned.

"She seems like a different person since the last bout of depression"

Perhaps there is someone at work she is interested in/fancies? She may have never acted upon it but perhaps that was why she was able to emotionally distance herself from you so quickly/easily to not have got you a ticket in the first place.

Dh and I recently nearly split and I have to say certainly from my side there were many months of mentally preparing myself for it to be over and starting to build myself a new life prior to forcing the split.

I fail to see why going shopping with your partner turns into you "driving her there" and "feeling used". Its not really that a big deal. Likewise, picking someone up from a night out. So either you have got bigger issues or you are a drama queen trying very hard to feel sorry for yourself. And judging from the ridiculously emotive language you have used in your OP, I would say that you and being manipulative are unlikely to be strangers.

The facts as we know are that she also went back on her own the next day to get another outfit. She doesn't exactly sound as though she is using you. I mean, its not as if you bought her the bloody outfit or she gets to use your credit card or something. Buying an outfit for your works night out is hardly unreasonable.

I wonder what her take on it is.

I'd also feel pretty annoyed if my partner was using my works do, paid for out of my employment, as the biggest event on their social horizon. You are also really scathing about her and critical. I'm astonished you were so worked up and couldn't override these feelings while your children visited. Has it occurred to you that there might be a medical reason for you overreacting to normal events, and that this might be connected to your own lack of social life and her reaction to you? I'm not saying it is, but it might be worth considering and seeing your GP about.