To not want ex in my house every day?

[babyinmyarms]

We broke up when I was pregnant.

DD is now 4 months old and EBF.

Ex wants to come round every evening to see DD (understandable) - but some days I'm just not up to it.

DD isn't the best sleeper and quite frankly I am exhausted at the best of times - some evenings I just want to get baby to bed on time and chill out for an hour before crashing out myself. On the evenings he visits she just doesn't get to sleep as well as he winds up at a time she needs to be settling down. He can't get to us any earlier as he works.

I end up feeling guilty as I cancel sometimes, but to be honest I just don't want him coming round so often. I think he snoops around when I'm upstairs feeding DD too which makes me feel tense, DD then feels the tension which stops her going to sleep.. Argh.

Am I unreasonable to suggest we limit the visits to a couple of days per week? What is normal?
He adores DD and would be with her as much as he can.

It's just exhausting for me and an added pressure to daily life with a young baby.

AIBU?

It's really good that your Ex wants to be a part of DD's life. MN is full of posts about absent, uncaring fathers.

Not sure whether you are working or not, but if not, could you have a snooze during the day whilst DD is napping?

Perhaps Ex could give DD a bath some evenings, so you could have some chill time then? Now the evenings are lighter, can he take her out in the buggy for a walk?

YANBU.

I would set up a visiting schedule. Your ex is getting all the good bits about being a Dad without all the sleepless nights.

I would suggest three nights a week for an hour and perhaps a Saturday or Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours.

This way you can get into a routine and get your life back on track. You split up with him for a reason. He can't keep coming around when it suits him.

You can review and change his visits when your DD gets older.

Are you feeding her before she goes to sleep and he is still downstairs? If that's the case, I think you need to make it clear that he leaves when you take DD up to bed.

I think this is totally unreasonable on his part.

Whilst it good that he wants to be involved in his DD's life he has to accept that you're not living together and he can't treat your home like his home.

You need to have your own life and be free to spend your evenings how you want to spend them, and if that's sleeping then that's what you should be doing.

You need to work out a timetable so he can see her several times a week but something that works for you as well him.

Could he take her out for a few hours during the day at the weekends?

YANBU. Unless you are happy with him taking your DD out, then contact does need to be at your house. But not every night, good grief, no wonder you are cancelling, you are not getting any time to yourself.

I suggest thinking about how you would be happy for the contact to develop over the longer term, when DD is big enough to go to his and start working to that schedule. So, for starters, there will be time at the weekend, poss EOW overnights when she is older; then how much time during the week. I agree that it is great he wants to be involved, but you are not together and it would be appropriate to have a contact schedule, which will develop as she gets older.

Absolutely agree he should not be still in the house when you are upstairs. Are you sure he is over the break-up?

He does have 2 full days with her at my house at the weekend too.

I have tried to cut down on his visits but he has a meltdown and asks me how would I feel if I couldn't see DD every day. So I have tried to be as fair to him as possible but him being here so often is just making me miserable.

DD tends to cluster feed in the couple of hours before bed (which is when he's here) so he can't really leave when I'm feeding her as it would mean he wouldn't see her at all.

He can't accept that we are over at all and is convinced I'll wake up one day and realise what a big mistake I made finishing with him and have him back.

A

Also with ex being here so much it means I don't get to see my own family on the weekends which I'm really upset about. But he thinks they should just arrange to come round when he isn't here as he is the dad and therefore his need to bond with DD is greater (in his opinion).

He is right when he asks how you would feel if you couldn't see DD every day. Fathers are no different to mothers in that respect.

I know it is difficult when you are breast feeding, but could you not express and he looks after her for a short time? Would give you a break. Maybe he could have her for a few hours each afternoon at his place on a weekend and cut down the visits to yours in an evening?

So many fathers get slated on here for not wanting to see their children. Children are not the exclusive domain of women, even when breast feeding.

Well, it'll obviously be easier when she's older and weaned, then he can take her on some weekends. It's great that you guys are putting aside your differences for your daughter. Alot of kids with split parents don't have that.

It's hard though. My husband would be crushed if he couldn't see his daughter every day. But it's still important to make a schedule for him to see her. You guys are split and you need your own life away from him.

I can't express as DD just won't take a bottle. I have genuinely tried as I really wanted her dad to be able to feed her sometimes to increase the bonding time.

I agree that fathers are no less important than mums, I do want to be fair - I think maybe I just have lost sight of what would be reasonable.

Sorry, but I think you are going to have to take legal advice here. He is bullying you. He does not have the right to be in your house every evening and all weekend. If DD were older, he would get 50/50 contact at most, but it sounds like the issue is actually being around you and nothing to do with your DD.

You need to find out what would be legally acceptable and how to enforce that. I know that sounds harsh but at some point you need your house back, and he needs to accept the relationship is over. A solicitor will advise on the options open to you. Otherwise I would honestly say talk to Women's Aid. If you are scared of him having a meltdown and he is not leaving you alone, you do need help. This is not just about contact.

That sound really hard work and you are amazing for trying to think of him so much, but reall this needs to stop.
He will g=find it hard and stomp his feet, try to make you feel like crap and that you are denying his his child etc, etc.
But in reality he needs to move on.
You should come up with a schedule that you are happy with and that does not adversely affect your LO.
You need time to yourself for you to spend with other family friends.
He needs to do the same and start making a life for himself without you.

Not without you both, but without you.

I think 3 evenings a week and 1 of the weekend days is reasonable.
I am not saying he is going to find this easy, but the reality is that you are not together anymore and he is going to need to adjust to this.

If you need to feed and soothe her on your own in the evenings then that is what you need to do. Once she is older and not BF so much he can see her without you.

Don't know why you split up but it sounds like he is possibly using her to control you. (might be wrong though )

Can you express some milk so that he can take her out for a few hours, giving you the chance to rest? There's also no need for him to come to your house this late, there's things that you need to do and it's exhausting when you're caring for a small baby by yourself.

I'd express, give him a bottle for her and get him to take her out. There's no need for contact to be in your home, it's your home. You need to arrange some contact times which are suitable for you both. There's plenty of years where he can tuck her into bed, while she's so tiny (and you're so exhausted) then his time with her needs to be different.

Do you think he's using access as a way to see you? This isn't really on.

I think those 2 hours of cluster feeding before bed time are absolutely the worst time of day to have someone visiting and sitting in your house.

My in laws used to insist on doing this every evening and it was so stressful it interfered with my supply and Ds's sleep.

This is exP, so already there is likely to be tension. He is being thoughtless and selfish IMO.

It would be much better to make different arrangements at least until DD is a bit older.

He isn't bonding with her if he is just sitting in the house while OP is feeding upstairs.

I would just let him come every day if he really wants to but tell him its just for 30 mins, or he can come every other day for an hour. as to the weekends, give him one day use the other to do what you want. Its hard but it wont be long until he can take her out for the day, and how long does he think he is going to do this for, what if you end up in another relationship will he still want to come round every night in 10 years time?

The cluster feeding is important for the baby as it helps them sleep a longer stretch at night and keeps your supply up. Expressing milk to replace that feed would IMO be detrimental to your bfing on the whole and would poss mean baby wouldn't get as much milk as she would from cluster feeding and therefore sleep worse as a consequence.

I would send ex an email so he can't have a "meltdown" as you are trying to assert yourself. State that the evenings are an important time for cluster feeding as above and that these are therefore not good times for him to have contact. Phrase it that he isn't getting quality time with her because she just wants to cluster feed and so it's daft for him to be sat about every night. State that one weekend day would also be acceptable as it's important that you can build a support network for yourself via friends and family and that extended family relationships are a huge positive in children's lives. Make it seem that it isn't a point for negotiation. If he gets emotional or angry point out the court would award far less contact due to the babies age and breastfeeding.

I agree with pp that he's trying to spend as much time with you as poss because he thinks you will give in and take him back. By allowing him to keep popping round you are allowing him to keep believing he had a chance of wearing you down. Make it clear that ain't happening, you are co parents, nothing more.

If he is such a concerned dad surely he should be doing what is best for your child. And best for your child is a relaxed feed and chilled bedtime.

Tell him it's one day at the weekend and one evening in the week and if he doesn't like it - tough.

Yes, he is her father and it's great he wants to see her but he has to learn to put her first and he doesn't seem to be at all.

So basically your ex is in your house every evening and all weekend?
As he works all day he is in your house as much as a resident parent would be except for when asleep.

He needs to realise you are not in a relationship anymore and to let both of you live your own lives. He won't let you see your family or friends at weekends which makes him sound really controlling.

Whilst it is nice he wants to make the effort to bond with his dd he is overstepping the boundaries here and you need to stand up to him

In this situation I know my dp would have a massivr meltdown, obviously we dont jnow him so he might be controlling/a bully. But it might be that he just really loves you both.
I think you should continue letting him come for a couple of hours a day, while you are feeding maybe he could do a few hits for you to make life a bit easier? Chuck washing in machine/tidy kitchen/pop to shops etc? I know ill propably get flamed but I can understand his point of view sorry

Would it suit you any better if he came before work sometimes? Even if it's not for as long, he could avoid cluster feeding time and give you a chance to shower and have breakfast.

how long were you planning to breastfeed for? It is maybe worth talking now about when she is older and how he could take dd away (with a bottle) to give you a break.

I would work out a schedule like every other evening and 4 hours on the weekend. You are separated after all.

I couldn't do what you are doing, it would drive me nuts. Can I ask why you split up? He needs to understand that she is baby at the min and.when ages a bit older it will get easier.

Thanks for the replies. It is good to hear opinions on this.

Sorry I can't quote directly as on my phone.

I am planning to BF for a year, but start weaning at 6-7 months. Things would be easier then I guess particularly on his weekend days as he could take DD out if she has a good few hours between feeds.

Funnily enough I did ask him to come in the mornings before work (me and DD are up at 6am every morning) this would be wonderful for me as it would mean i could shower and have a coffee and toast, (plus it gets his visit over with so I'm not dreading it the whole day) but he said it wouldn't work for him - I guess he doesn't want to get up that early!

Hugs. It's an impossible situation isn't it. Your bf and he want to be involved.

If you want to give bottles another whirl, these bottles are amazing. They use same action as bf and the only bottles my booby babies would take.

www.amazon.co.uk/The-First-Years-Y4562-Breastflow/dp/B001G4VFHG

I think I would just grin and bear it for now. When you baby is 6 months plus and weaning onto solids it will get easier. He will be able to help feed her, give her a bath etc.