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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ex in my house every day?

52 replies

babyinmyarms · 04/05/2014 16:25

We broke up when I was pregnant.

DD is now 4 months old and EBF.

Ex wants to come round every evening to see DD (understandable) - but some days I'm just not up to it.

DD isn't the best sleeper and quite frankly I am exhausted at the best of times - some evenings I just want to get baby to bed on time and chill out for an hour before crashing out myself. On the evenings he visits she just doesn't get to sleep as well as he winds up at a time she needs to be settling down. He can't get to us any earlier as he works.

I end up feeling guilty as I cancel sometimes, but to be honest I just don't want him coming round so often. I think he snoops around when I'm upstairs feeding DD too which makes me feel tense, DD then feels the tension which stops her going to sleep.. Argh.

Am I unreasonable to suggest we limit the visits to a couple of days per week? What is normal?
He adores DD and would be with her as much as he can.

It's just exhausting for me and an added pressure to daily life with a young baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:

qazxc · 04/05/2014 21:02

He is getting a lot of time with his DD if he is there every evening and all weekend.
As you said that morning would sort your routine better and be better for DD's sleeping. I would say to him that he can see DD on X amount of mornings (instead of the evenings). If he chooses not to attend tough luck.
Would he be willing to cut some of his weekend time if he got an evening thrown in as well, your DD deserves to bond with her (your) extended family.
Things should be simpler in a few months when she isn't so dependent on you for BFing, you can then sit down and sort out a schedule that suits you, him but most importantly DD.

Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 21:02

It's probably not something you would want to do but if he stayed over perhaps one night at the weekend on the sofa. He could get up with dd and you could have a sleep

Rosieliveson · 04/05/2014 21:19

Congratulations on your new baby. What a stressful situation.

You are trying really hard to include him but I think it is obviously too much. I agree fathers should have a right to see their child and it's brilliant that he wants to be involved but it can't all be on his terms. Especially as you aren't together.

I agree with an email as it will get everything you want to say out there without interruption or chance for a melt down. I'd simply state that every night and all weekend is too much and you aren't going to do that anymore.
Suggest 2 evenings and 1 or 2 mornings a week and a full day alternating sat or sun each week so you don't miss the same day each weekend. Ask him to visit to discuss which days work best for him as well if you know he will be rational.

This is a lot of contact. You can also explain how the feeding schedule will settle soon then he can take baby out for walks etc for a few hours at weekends. The thing is, baby may start going to bed at about 7 soon so if he's coming to you late these late evenings won't continue.

If he is reasonable then he will see that this is for the best for baby. If he can't be reasonable you may have to take matters into your own hands and start planning evening and weekends away with your family and show him that as you aren't together you will both need to compromise.

I do hope this can all work out for everyone

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/05/2014 21:36

Perserve with the bottle. DD2 refused bottle outright at 3 months, but would take one from somewhere around 4 or 5 months. Might also help if an experienced bottle giver gave it a go first?

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 04/05/2014 21:47

It's really good that your Ex wants to be a part of DD's life. MN is full of posts about absent, uncaring fathers.

Sorry to digress but is it just me who loathes this sentiment - it's not 'really good', it's exactly how it should be and fathers shouldn't get kudos for not pissing off out their kids lives. No one would say that about a mother would they?

Anyway OP YANBU, it's important you get a schedule in place for your DD. look at it this way - if you were together and he was coming home from work you probably wouldn't have an issue getting her down before he returned so don't feel guilty about just because you're split up. Ask him to come less often so that you can have a relaxing night now and again, so on his 2 days off and then maybe allow for one disturbed night during the week to compromise. Don't think for a minute that you relaxing is not important just cos you're on maternity leave, because it really is.

MyFabulousBoys · 04/05/2014 22:22

You know what, if he really wanted to do the best for his child and bond with her most effectively, he would come in the morning. He would get more uninterrupted time with her and the mother of his child would be more prepared/refreshed for looking after his daughter all day. But it isn't really about that is it?

Do you think he is trying to make sure you don't have anyone else in your life? Why would he be snooping if he just wanted to see his kid and bond with her? Why would he come over during the cluster feeding? It doesn't make any sense.

TheCatThatSmiled · 04/05/2014 22:51

There is being fair ad there is being a walkover - totally understandable under the circumstances. But I think he is taking advantage.

offer him 2 or 3 mornings a week, and 1 or 2 evenings. Also. Also one full day a week at weekends. You need to see your family, for support, and you need your rest.

If he can't be arsed to get up early enough to see his daughter, tough!

Original poster

babyinmyarms · 04/05/2014 23:08

I will definitely tell him that he needs to swap some of the evenings for mornings. If he refuses at least I have offered. So 2 mornings, 1 evening and 1 weekend day is fair.

He won't be happy!

OP posts:

EverythingCounts · 04/05/2014 23:19

I was about to suggest the morning idea. The thing is, if he can say mornings 'don't work for him', it's only fair that you also get to say evenings 'don't work for you'. Tell him that when if he protests. He has a point about wanting to see his DD but that doesn't mean he gets the schedule exactly the way he wants it and you have to fit around him. I think your 2 morning, 1 evening and 1 weekend day suggestion is fair. If you want to offer him any more, make it clear it will be mornings and not any other time.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/05/2014 23:19

Every evening and both weekend days means he's living with you and your child without actually sleeping in your bed at might. I suspect this is resulting in fuzzy boundaries at best, or a method of checking up on you at worst. And I don't like the sound of him snooping when you're upstairs. That's an intrusion too far in my book

He's hanging around your neck far too much. Limit contact to what you're comfortable with and no more.

MyFabulousBoys · 04/05/2014 23:33

I would offer him 2 mornings, 1 evening and half a day at the weekend whilst she is so little. It can increase to a whole day when he can take her out of your house.

Inertia · 04/05/2014 23:37

If mornings don't work for him that's tough - evenings don't work for you , and more importantly they don't work for your baby. She needs to cluster feed and her needs outweigh his.

I think offering 2 mornings , an evening and 1 weekend day is perfectly reasonable. It does sound like he is using the baby to control you and restrict your access to support from other people. Yes, he should have the opportunity to have contact with his child, but at a time that works for everyone.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/05/2014 23:45

I agree, it would be awful to not see my kid at that age. If mornings work for you then I would cut it to one or two nights a week and one weekend day and say that apart from the other weekend day when you don't want him there if he wants to see her you will be free for that in the mornings and he can come between X and Y.

I agree that evenings aren't working for your daughter and it is interrupting her feeding and sleeping.

firesidechat · 05/05/2014 07:58

Lots of dads who live with their babies don't get to see them every day, my husband included. Some of them work long hours and the babies are in bed by then.

I also think it is very important to establish a peaceful routine in the evenings and overstimulation at night is not a great idea.

Your ex is expecting too much. Although it's great that he wants to see her, it's not working for you at all and you do need to look after yourself.

BumPotato · 05/05/2014 08:36

If he is there in the evening, he can say night night to your baby as you head upstairs and head straight out the front door and leave you to it. He's using your child to get to you, it seems.

qazxc · 05/05/2014 08:39

I'd say what you are suggesting is entirely fair and reasonable. As people have pointed out this can be revised when DD is weaned and he is able to have her on his own, which is only a few months.

OhBabyLilyMunster · 05/05/2014 08:50

Hes making damn sure you dont get chance to move on. This isnt about the baby i feel, its about keeping tabs on you and trying to assert his position in your home. In your position i would make a discreet solicitors appointment just to arm yourself with the facts, knowledge is power and all that. Make sure any correspondence etc is kept upstairs. The whole thing has an air of wearing you down to take him back, as he is there all the time anyway.

I think the question you ultimately have to ask yourself is how long is this going on for? Til baby is 18?

Melonbreath · 05/05/2014 10:41

Tell him to come in the morning. If he wants to see dd that badly he will come.
Tell him being a parent IS tiring so he needs to suck it up for a while.
Visitors during wind down and cluster feeding is a pain and i would stamp on it. This stage doesn't last forever and things will change as your baby does. Point out he doesn't really get to see her in the evenings anyway as your baby is tired and just wants boob.

Original poster

babyinmyarms · 05/05/2014 15:18

I attempted to have a conversation with him today and he went mad. Accused me of trying to stop him from bonding with his daughter. Turns out he has been badmouthing me to his family telling them that I was 'barely allowing him to see her'. I think my only option is to take this to a solicitor. Baring in mind DD is EBF, what kind of access can he expect to be granted?

OP posts:

FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 15:44

Don't open the door to him.
See a solicitor.
Time for your ex to learn boundaries.

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2014 16:12

I'm sorry it didn't go well. I think you're being very fair.

Does it matter that he bad mouths you? Let him. Stop being home when he call round and let him have something to bad mouth you about

He's causing tension which isn't good for anyone. I think if you're clear about what you're offering that's all anyone can expect. I don't know about access but find it unlikely he'll get too much whilst your dd is EBF.

LadySybilLikesCake · 05/05/2014 16:16

You're not going to be fair in his eyes, no matter what you do. He doesn't realise that you're not a family unit and that he can't have free access to your child, which is pretty much what he's trying to do. Getting something formal is what you need to do, and as your baby isn't accepting bottles it needs to be something that's in between feeds and preferably during the day. Only you can decide how much.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/05/2014 16:24

Of course he went mad, and I don't for one moment believe that it has anything to do with him bonding with his child. It's so he can't keep tabs on you. If he's not there every waking moment he can't control what you do. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

qazxc · 05/05/2014 16:24

You are not being unreasonable.
This isn't about what is best for him, it's about what is best for DD, and part of that is a calm bedtime routine and the opportunity to spend time with her extended family. You have offered a more than fair arrangement, the fact is he does not want to be arsed getting up early and seems to want to control you/root through your things.
I'd say any court will take the view that what you suggest is an entirely reasonable and generous schedule TBH.

YouTheCat · 05/05/2014 16:28

Tell him he best start lactating then.

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