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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if we will get through this

39 replies

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 07:25

Me and DH have been together since we were 15. 22 years on and we still have a great relationship. We are best friends, love each other as much as we did in the beginning and he is a great DH/Dad. He is very hands on with DC and helps around the house. I certainly can't complain.

Over the past year I have mentioned that I would like 1 more DC. He is very much in the no camp and don't think he can be budged. DH has an excellent job (for where we live), I work too and we can definitely afford another. We have a big enough house/car etc.

I have said that I will go with whatever decision he makes as I would never want to force him into it and he has decided no. I accepted this and have started to drag our baby stuff out of storage to sell/pass on and he has booked himself into the docs for the big V.

I am just devastated though and can't even look at him without feeling an intense anger. His only reasons for not are his own and I feel like he hasn't taken my thoughts into it at all.

Has anyone else had this happen and come out the other side. At the moment, I don't think I can feel the same way about him again. I have always tried to fulfil his dreams. He has taken away mine away.

OP posts:

deakymom · 04/05/2014 07:37

really sorry about that but you did say you would go with his decision and that is his decision he isn't considering your at all

Coconutty · 04/05/2014 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 07:41

I did say that I would go with his decision. I guess that I didn't know how I would react until his decision was final.

He does know how much this means to me and he says he is sorry about that but his answer is still no.

OP posts:

PicardyThird · 04/05/2014 07:42

How many children do you have?

I do think that, as painful as it can be, the one in a relationship who doesn't want (more) children has to have the deciding vote. Sorry.

We've been trying for no. 3 for some time now and I keep miscarrying. At one point dh was leaning towards saying no more as he was hating seeing me go through the mcs. I was and am up for the pain each time for as long as it takes - that may of course change in the future - but if he had decided no more, I would have had to accept that.

Busymumto3dc · 04/05/2014 07:43

This is a situation I see myself being in further down the line as my oh is also in the no more dc camp. I am more than happy with my family but the thought of never having another makes me sad! I am only 26! My baby days can't be over already!

I hope you do get through it op and I hope I will if it does happen to me

Forgettable · 04/05/2014 07:44

You told him to decide but don't agree with the decision.

Where to go from here?

A accept and stay married
B seperate/divorce

That's it really

I am sorry

WyrdByrd · 04/05/2014 07:47

I wonder if some joint counselling would help?

Not to change one anothers minds, but to be sure you both really understand the other's POV and can weather the outcome, whatever happens.

Although you say he is aware of how much it means to you, I wonder from your posts exactly how much he has considered your feelings.

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 07:50

I agree that the person who doesn't want anymore decides which is why I said I would go with what he decides. I have gone with his decision and won't try to change his mind but how do I stop myself resenting/hating him. I don't want to hate him.

I have 3 dc.

OP posts:

Femshep · 04/05/2014 07:51

This is a place I too, can see myself in in the future. I've just had a false alarm and DH plans to have a vasectomy. I'm 26 with two DC's and just don't feel as though my family is complete (had a mc last year).

There's just no compromise and I feel so angry that he doesn't seem to care how much I want it.

No advice really OP but lots of sympathy .

JonesRipley · 04/05/2014 07:53

Have you told him you feel angry about the way he has approached this?

There is no compromise here, but if you are not able to express verbally how you feel then that is the problem. The anger will not go away.

I think you do this by being able to talk to him about how you feel without him feeling you are trying to change his mind.

I think you might have to do this through a counsellor.

PicardyThird · 04/05/2014 07:54

I would love to have 3.

Resentment arises from feeling, rightly or wrongly, you have been denied something you are entitled to. Perhaps focusing on what you have and how lucky you are to have it might help you with the sense of having had something taken away, iyswim?

Of course you need to be sad for the baby and life that is not to be, but recent hard experience has taught me that grief and gratitude can coexist.

JonesRipley · 04/05/2014 07:56

I also wonder if you need to think about why you want another child now? Is it about not being ready for the next stage of your life, For instance?

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 08:06

I have talked about how devastated I am. He knows and I think he feels bad.

I don't know what my reasons are really. I just can't imagine life without another. Maybe I'm not ready for the next stage. I don't have hobbies etc like DH. I help out with school events and take dc all over the place in the hols. DD is 10 and is getting to that stage where she would rather be out with her friends which is fine as I still have the other 2 to entertain. In some ways I am scared of being redundant of my motherly role.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 08:09

My main concern though is that me and DH have always been so close. I didn't think anything could come between us but now I'm not so sure.

OP posts:

matildasquared · 04/05/2014 08:15

Three children is a great little family.

I am afraid I feel sympathetic towards your husband. You have a situation lots of people would only dream of: three children, plenty of money to bring them up. Everyone's lives would be turned upside down if you had a fourth child.

I can understand the bored/redundant feeling but it is definitely not a reason to have more kids.

PicardyThird · 04/05/2014 08:18

Older children/teens need their parents just as much as younger ones, just in different ways that maybe involve less overt physical presence and care. I do kwym though. My two are soon to be 9 and six and a half and you do notice the passing of certain stages of dependence. You are also the same age as me and since my last birthday I have felt more acutely the sense of time/youth passing. I wonder if that is playing into this?

You and your dh seem to be hitting the first real, serious challenge to your relationship - which muat be a very strong one if this is the first in 22 years. You will not feel this painfully about this forever. I would say some couples counselling might not be a bad idea for the two of you.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/05/2014 08:23

I have 3 and I would have loved a fourth child but money prevented it.

You have to stop having children at some point,though I sympathise because I too felt scared once Ds3 started school and I had that daytime void with no child to care for.

Wellthatsit · 04/05/2014 08:24

The main issue is that there is no compromise scenario. You can't have half a child. Yes, he could say, let's wait and see how we feel down the line, but he probably sees that as stringing you along, and he wants to be clear (hence the vasectomy).

I think the only way for you not to hate him is if he is able to explain his feelings more fully to you, instead of just bluntly deciding and then rubber stamping it by going for a vasectomy. You are clearly willing to put his feelings before yours, but you need to feel you are doing it for the greater good of your loving relationship, and not because you have no choice.

What Picardy says also has merit, although is a separate issue. It is possible to count your blessings and feel contented with your life even if it isn't the life you imagined you would have. It sounds a little as if you are struggling with the fact your children are getting older and may not need you to be so hands on. You don't want to feel redundant, you miss the baby stages. But this will happen whether you have a fourth child or not. There will come a time when life evolves into something different, and that can be a great moment. You can find yourself again, and put yourself first sometimes.

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 08:26

This was mainly the reason I did not put how many dc's I had in the OP. If I had said I only had 1 dc, I think the answers would have been quite different.

I have always dreamt of 4 dc but was quite sure I would never be in the position, financially to have them.

I would definitely stop if I had 4 as I have never wanted to have 5.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 08:28

Although I will miss the baby stages, I am looking forward to the next stage but I will get there eventually anyway as I have no desire to keep having dc until I can't possibly have anymore. This would be my last for lots of reasons.

OP posts:

Wellthatsit · 04/05/2014 08:39

Whether or not you should feel content with 3 or not isn't really the issue though, is it? It's the fact that your DH seems, to you, to have acted purely selfishly, and not taken your feelings into account. But it is an impossible situation. You cannot compromise on it, so one of you has to give way. And a lot of people (including, presumably, your DH) will say that a family of 5 is big enough, especially those who have struggled or been unable to have children.

Floggingmolly · 04/05/2014 08:41

I don't think the answers would have been very different if you'd claimed to have 1 dc, op.

Your posts show a very clear sense that you are not ready to move on to the next stage, are afraid of feeling redundant as a mother (you won't be, for a very long time), and can't handle your 10 year old's growing independence. The problem with having another baby to combat those feelings is that it won't, necessarily; and you'll be back to square one when the baby is approaching school age.

Jinsei · 04/05/2014 08:42

In the nicest possible way, you can't go on having babies forever, and you need to think about how you're going to fill the gap in your own life as your children grow up and need you less (though it sounds like they'll be needing you for a long time yet). You won't be redundant. Your role will just be different.

I often feel wistful about the baby stage, and it can be hard to accept that you won't go there again, but you're very lucky to have had three, so perhaps you should be grateful for what you have and focus on enjoying the next stage in the lives of your three beautiful children. It won't be the same as the last stage, but it may be equally rewarding and fulfilling.

Ultimately, if you can't compromise, then I guess you'll have to walk away, but this would seem a pity when your relationship has been so strong, and it would be tough on your existing dc. It may seem like your DH hasn't considered your views, but IMO it would be wrong for him to consent to having another child if he really doesn't want one - how could that possibly be fair on the child?

I'm sorry, it's an awful situation for you, but I think you need to think hard about why you want another dc and why you don't feel satisfied with what you have at present.

Busymumto3dc · 04/05/2014 08:46

Unlike the op. If I did have dc4 someday. I think I would still want another! So it's perhaps as well my oh is putting his foot down as I feel I could go on forever

janey68 · 04/05/2014 08:50

That's interesting... You say you always wanted 4 but you definitely wouldn't want 5... So this is really about you having a 'picture ' in your head of your ideal family? Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but it does strike me that you're fixating on an imaginary life rather than the life you're actually living. To be feeling such anger and resentment isn't healthy.

There is no simple solution because as everyone says, there is no compromise in this situation, and the default position has to be to not have a child unless both partners want to. It's not fair to a child to bring it into the world without total willingness on either side

No advice really, but just to say that many of us have pondered over family size. We were very tempted to go for a 3rd but we realised it would push us over the edge financially with childcare. All I can say (from the position of our two now being teens) is that I feel my family is wonderful, it's not incomplete, because when it comes to raising a happy, loving family it's definitely quality not quantity. We wouldn't be any happier or more fulfilled if we'd had a 3rd or even a 4th ... We would just have a different size family.

You clearly have a strong marriage so I'm sure you'll come through this. I think you just have to keep repeating to yourself that actually your DH isn't being any more selfish than you are. You have a picture in your head of 4 children, and are wanting that because its your desire... He doesn't have that picture so wants his desire which is the 3 you already have.

Finally, you give the age of your eldest and you mention having to dig out the baby stuff again which implies your youngest isn't too small any more... There may well be an element of him not wanting to go back to the baby phase all over again. And that's understandable. The early years can be very tough. You would also have a big age gap between your oldest and youngest.... Oldest would be almost secondary age even if you fell pregnant right now. We have a couple of friends in our social circle who have a similar gap... They went on to have a 3rd or 4th baby when their eldest was 10/11. It seemed to go smoothly at first as the baby was a novelty and pretty adaptable, but once they are running around, need 100% attention and also have completely different wants and needs to the older children, it's been a different story. Of course none of them regret their baby, but I think the rosy glow of another baby in the house has diminished when their teenager is needing a completely different type of attention.

You'll find a way to come too terms with this if your relationship is strong, but the suggestion of counselling is good and may help- not to change anyone's mind but to help you move forward without resenting eachother which would be awful for your children and for what seems essentially a sound marriage

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