To wonder if we will get through this

[Wonkydonkey123]

Me and DH have been together since we were 15. 22 years on and we still have a great relationship. We are best friends, love each other as much as we did in the beginning and he is a great DH/Dad. He is very hands on with DC and helps around the house. I certainly can't complain.

Over the past year I have mentioned that I would like 1 more DC. He is very much in the no camp and don't think he can be budged. DH has an excellent job (for where we live), I work too and we can definitely afford another. We have a big enough house/car etc.

I have said that I will go with whatever decision he makes as I would never want to force him into it and he has decided no. I accepted this and have started to drag our baby stuff out of storage to sell/pass on and he has booked himself into the docs for the big V.

I am just devastated though and can't even look at him without feeling an intense anger. His only reasons for not are his own and I feel like he hasn't taken my thoughts into it at all.

Has anyone else had this happen and come out the other side. At the moment, I don't think I can feel the same way about him again. I have always tried to fulfil his dreams. He has taken away mine away.

[Chocoholic36]

Op I know exactly how you feel. I was desperate for a 4th I always felt 4 was my number if you know what I mean. Dh said no and that was it. I tried to convince him otherwise but he would not budge at all. He have me all of his reasons and to be fair they were all very valid and e was right. It wasn't the right time for us. I then went through a bit of a grieving period - I couldn't imagine never giving birth again or holding MY baby in my arms again.

When I spoke to my councilor (unrelated issues) and mentioned this to her she explained it very well. It is our natural instinct to have babies it is what we have been put on this earth to do, when someone takes that decision from us it's hard.

As for your husband you both need to sit down and talk. You need to tell him how scared you are of this ruining your relationship and work from there. Getting him to change his mind isn't going to fix the problem because then he is going to be feeling how you are. You obviously have a strong marraige to have been together for so long.

Good luck op x

[Marylou62]

I like OP had always wanted 4 DCs since I was very young. After 2 I was 'desperate' for 3rd. it was a horrible, constant ache (broodiness?) and My DH was as desperate not to!! I remember being tearful and so so so upset that he wouldn't even consider it. I even told him (in a row) that if he didn't let me have DC3 I would find someone who would....(terrible I know but I was that sad.) Eventually we had a good talk and it was a good friend who said to him that I was a good mother and that as we had quite a traditional marriage ie....he worked and I did nearly all the childcare (I was a nanny) that it shouldn't disrupt his life too much so why not.. We also talked about who would be saddest...me if we didn't have 3rd or him if we did. ....I also made it clear that if we had 3rd I would never ask for 4th....Anyway....1st time we tried....DC3!!! It backfired a bit because it was a difficult pregnancy and birth and I was quite unwell but unable to admit I wasn't coping as I had wanted another so badly. DC3 is a much loved child, so like his father it is uncanny. There has never been any 'I never wanted him' from my DH, even when he had to take on some childcare because I was unwell. Even when DC3 was older and was a terrible handful for a while. WE have never regretted it and I feel blessed that DH listened to me and understood that primeval, basic instinct that I had. I think you should really have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel. Does he know how sad you are at the moment. I am not saying that he will agree, but if you can talk it through, maybe you will be able to move on. DC3 has just left home to join the Navy at 17 so know the empty nest feeling...but wanting him was another feeling altogether....good luck.

[matildasquared]

I suppose I just want to get passed this feeling of resentment and be back to our loving marriage that we have enjoyed for so long.

You will get there. You're doing the right thing by looking at the rest of your life and seeing what else could make you feel fulfilled.

[gobbin]

I had one, would've liked two, DH didn't want any more, job done. I would never bring a child into the world that my partner would potentially resent existing. That is no basis for a partnership.

Compromise is the hardest aspect of cohabiting. Unfortunately, you can't compromise over the existence of a child.

[tumbletumble]

I wanted 3 DC and my DH took a bit of persuading before he agreed. Then I wanted 4 DC and he was very definite about stopping at 3 so I gave in, partly as you have already said because I think you can't force someone to have a baby, but also because he had already given way to me once.

I wonder if the same thing is happening here? Would your DH ideally have chosen to stop at 2 and feels he has already compromised once?

[Purplepoodle]

He might be feeling like he is coming out of the woods child wise so to speak. The first year of a baby is tough. By the time they are 2 you get a bit of life back. Perhaps he doesn't want to be plunged back into the baby stage. Logically 3 children is logistically easier than 4.

I would enjoy your children. You still have a baby who's only 2.

[Wonkydonkey123]

My DD is 10, DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 2 so not quite passed the baby stage yet and have big gaps anyway so not really a factor in my thinking.

I will have to get passed this and I'm not thinking of ending my marriage. I suppose I just want to get passed this feeling of resentment and be back to our loving marriage that we have enjoyed for so long.

[JonesRipley]

You say you work?

Could that be not as fulfilling as it could be?

And I recommend hobbies too. I took up things I used to enjoy as a child and it got me more in touch with myself as an individual, not only a mother.

[JonesRipley]

OP

I tthink Gosh makes a good point. This isn't about your children, your family, it is about you. It is hard when change happens but we have to adapt.

I have to admit a bias here - i have enjoyed my DCs more and more as theybhave got older, albeit with the odd pang over baby clothes. Maybe your DH feels the same as me?

[janey68]

Excellent post GoshAnneGorilla

And even if the marriage doesn't end, your existing children will pick up on the anger and resentment you feel and that's not good for their emotional well being, so for everyone's sakes you need to find a way to come to terms with your feelings

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Here's another way of looking at it.

By placing such an importance on having dc4 that you are considering ending your marriage over it, you are putting the happiness of your current 3 children second to the existence of an imaginary fourth child.

Could you really sit down with your dc in the future and say "Yes, Mummy and Daddy were really happy, but the three of you weren't enough, so I ended the marriage".

Too often on this issue, "I'm angry he won't tell me his reasons" means "He needs to detail his objections exactly so that I can overcome them".

I understand it is very hard if you feel your family isn't as you envisaged, but you can and should get past this.

[janey68]

to

[janey68]

That's interesting... You say you always wanted 4 but you definitely wouldn't want 5... So this is really about you having a 'picture ' in your head of your ideal family? Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but it does strike me that you're fixating on an imaginary life rather than the life you're actually living. To be feeling such anger and resentment isn't healthy.

There is no simple solution because as everyone says, there is no compromise in this situation, and the default position has to be to not have a child unless both partners want to. It's not fair to a child to bring it into the world without total willingness on either side

No advice really, but just to say that many of us have pondered over family size. We were very tempted to go for a 3rd but we realised it would push us over the edge financially with childcare. All I can say (from the position of our two now being teens) is that I feel my family is wonderful, it's not incomplete, because when it comes to raising a happy, loving family it's definitely quality not quantity. We wouldn't be any happier or more fulfilled if we'd had a 3rd or even a 4th ... We would just have a different size family.

You clearly have a strong marriage so I'm sure you'll come through this. I think you just have to keep repeating to yourself that actually your DH isn't being any more selfish than you are. You have a picture in your head of 4 children, and are wanting that because its your desire... He doesn't have that picture so wants his desire which is the 3 you already have.

Finally, you give the age of your eldest and you mention having to dig out the baby stuff again which implies your youngest isn't too small any more... There may well be an element of him not wanting to go back to the baby phase all over again. And that's understandable. The early years can be very tough. You would also have a big age gap between your oldest and youngest.... Oldest would be almost secondary age even if you fell pregnant right now. We have a couple of friends in our social circle who have a similar gap... They went on to have a 3rd or 4th baby when their eldest was 10/11. It seemed to go smoothly at first as the baby was a novelty and pretty adaptable, but once they are running around, need 100% attention and also have completely different wants and needs to the older children, it's been a different story. Of course none of them regret their baby, but I think the rosy glow of another baby in the house has diminished when their teenager is needing a completely different type of attention.

You'll find a way to come too terms with this if your relationship is strong, but the suggestion of counselling is good and may help- not to change anyone's mind but to help you move forward without resenting eachother which would be awful for your children and for what seems essentially a sound marriage

[Busymumto3dc]

Unlike the op. If I did have dc4 someday. I think I would still want another! So it's perhaps as well my oh is putting his foot down as I feel I could go on forever

[Jinsei]

In the nicest possible way, you can't go on having babies forever, and you need to think about how you're going to fill the gap in your own life as your children grow up and need you less (though it sounds like they'll be needing you for a long time yet). You won't be redundant. Your role will just be different.

I often feel wistful about the baby stage, and it can be hard to accept that you won't go there again, but you're very lucky to have had three, so perhaps you should be grateful for what you have and focus on enjoying the next stage in the lives of your three beautiful children. It won't be the same as the last stage, but it may be equally rewarding and fulfilling.

Ultimately, if you can't compromise, then I guess you'll have to walk away, but this would seem a pity when your relationship has been so strong, and it would be tough on your existing dc. It may seem like your DH hasn't considered your views, but IMO it would be wrong for him to consent to having another child if he really doesn't want one - how could that possibly be fair on the child?

I'm sorry, it's an awful situation for you, but I think you need to think hard about why you want another dc and why you don't feel satisfied with what you have at present.

[Floggingmolly]

I don't think the answers would have been very different if you'd claimed to have 1 dc, op.
Your posts show a very clear sense that you are not ready to move on to the next stage, are afraid of feeling redundant as a mother (you won't be, for a very long time), and can't handle your 10 year old's growing independence. The problem with having another baby to combat those feelings is that it won't, necessarily; and you'll be back to square one when the baby is approaching school age.

[Wellthatsit]

Whether or not you should feel content with 3 or not isn't really the issue though, is it? It's the fact that your DH seems, to you, to have acted purely selfishly, and not taken your feelings into account. But it is an impossible situation. You cannot compromise on it, so one of you has to give way. And a lot of people (including, presumably, your DH) will say that a family of 5 is big enough, especially those who have struggled or been unable to have children.

[Wonkydonkey123]

Although I will miss the baby stages, I am looking forward to the next stage but I will get there eventually anyway as I have no desire to keep having dc until I can't possibly have anymore. This would be my last for lots of reasons.

[Wonkydonkey123]

This was mainly the reason I did not put how many dc's I had in the OP. If I had said I only had 1 dc, I think the answers would have been quite different.

I have always dreamt of 4 dc but was quite sure I would never be in the position, financially to have them.

I would definitely stop if I had 4 as I have never wanted to have 5.

[Wellthatsit]

The main issue is that there is no compromise scenario. You can't have half a child. Yes, he could say, let's wait and see how we feel down the line, but he probably sees that as stringing you along, and he wants to be clear (hence the vasectomy).

I think the only way for you not to hate him is if he is able to explain his feelings more fully to you, instead of just bluntly deciding and then rubber stamping it by going for a vasectomy. You are clearly willing to put his feelings before yours, but you need to feel you are doing it for the greater good of your loving relationship, and not because you have no choice.

What Picardy says also has merit, although is a separate issue. It is possible to count your blessings and feel contented with your life even if it isn't the life you imagined you would have. It sounds a little as if you are struggling with the fact your children are getting older and may not need you to be so hands on. You don't want to feel redundant, you miss the baby stages. But this will happen whether you have a fourth child or not. There will come a time when life evolves into something different, and that can be a great moment. You can find yourself again, and put yourself first sometimes.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I have 3 and I would have loved a fourth child but money prevented it.

You have to stop having children at some point,though I sympathise because I too felt scared once Ds3 started school and I had that daytime void with no child to care for.

[PicardyThird]

Older children/teens need their parents just as much as younger ones, just in different ways that maybe involve less overt physical presence and care. I do kwym though. My two are soon to be 9 and six and a half and you do notice the passing of certain stages of dependence. You are also the same age as me and since my last birthday I have felt more acutely the sense of time/youth passing. I wonder if that is playing into this?

You and your dh seem to be hitting the first real, serious challenge to your relationship - which muat be a very strong one if this is the first in 22 years. You will not feel this painfully about this forever. I would say some couples counselling might not be a bad idea for the two of you.

[matildasquared]

Three children is a great little family.

I am afraid I feel sympathetic towards your husband. You have a situation lots of people would only dream of: three children, plenty of money to bring them up. Everyone's lives would be turned upside down if you had a fourth child.

I can understand the bored/redundant feeling but it is definitely not a reason to have more kids.