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AIBU?

To wonder if we will get through this

39 replies

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 07:25

Me and DH have been together since we were 15. 22 years on and we still have a great relationship. We are best friends, love each other as much as we did in the beginning and he is a great DH/Dad. He is very hands on with DC and helps around the house. I certainly can't complain.

Over the past year I have mentioned that I would like 1 more DC. He is very much in the no camp and don't think he can be budged. DH has an excellent job (for where we live), I work too and we can definitely afford another. We have a big enough house/car etc.

I have said that I will go with whatever decision he makes as I would never want to force him into it and he has decided no. I accepted this and have started to drag our baby stuff out of storage to sell/pass on and he has booked himself into the docs for the big V.

I am just devastated though and can't even look at him without feeling an intense anger. His only reasons for not are his own and I feel like he hasn't taken my thoughts into it at all.

Has anyone else had this happen and come out the other side. At the moment, I don't think I can feel the same way about him again. I have always tried to fulfil his dreams. He has taken away mine away.

OP posts:

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janey68 · 04/05/2014 08:54

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GoshAnneGorilla · 04/05/2014 08:56

Here's another way of looking at it.

By placing such an importance on having dc4 that you are considering ending your marriage over it, you are putting the happiness of your current 3 children second to the existence of an imaginary fourth child.

Could you really sit down with your dc in the future and say "Yes, Mummy and Daddy were really happy, but the three of you weren't enough, so I ended the marriage".

Too often on this issue, "I'm angry he won't tell me his reasons" means "He needs to detail his objections exactly so that I can overcome them".

I understand it is very hard if you feel your family isn't as you envisaged, but you can and should get past this.

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LindyHemming · 04/05/2014 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 04/05/2014 09:06

Excellent post GoshAnneGorilla

And even if the marriage doesn't end, your existing children will pick up on the anger and resentment you feel and that's not good for their emotional well being, so for everyone's sakes you need to find a way to come to terms with your feelings

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JonesRipley · 04/05/2014 09:07

OP

I tthink Gosh makes a good point. This isn't about your children, your family, it is about you. It is hard when change happens but we have to adapt.

I have to admit a bias here - i have enjoyed my DCs more and more as theybhave got older, albeit with the odd pang over baby clothes. Maybe your DH feels the same as me?

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JonesRipley · 04/05/2014 09:10

You say you work?

Could that be not as fulfilling as it could be?

And I recommend hobbies too. I took up things I used to enjoy as a child and it got me more in touch with myself as an individual, not only a mother.

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Summerblaze · 04/05/2014 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wonkydonkey123 · 04/05/2014 09:15

My DD is 10, DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 2 so not quite passed the baby stage yet and have big gaps anyway so not really a factor in my thinking.

I will have to get passed this and I'm not thinking of ending my marriage. I suppose I just want to get passed this feeling of resentment and be back to our loving marriage that we have enjoyed for so long.

OP posts:

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Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 09:25

He might be feeling like he is coming out of the woods child wise so to speak. The first year of a baby is tough. By the time they are 2 you get a bit of life back. Perhaps he doesn't want to be plunged back into the baby stage. Logically 3 children is logistically easier than 4.

I would enjoy your children. You still have a baby who's only 2.

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tumbletumble · 04/05/2014 09:27

I wanted 3 DC and my DH took a bit of persuading before he agreed. Then I wanted 4 DC and he was very definite about stopping at 3 so I gave in, partly as you have already said because I think you can't force someone to have a baby, but also because he had already given way to me once.

I wonder if the same thing is happening here? Would your DH ideally have chosen to stop at 2 and feels he has already compromised once?

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gobbin · 04/05/2014 10:06

I had one, would've liked two, DH didn't want any more, job done. I would never bring a child into the world that my partner would potentially resent existing. That is no basis for a partnership.

Compromise is the hardest aspect of cohabiting. Unfortunately, you can't compromise over the existence of a child.

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matildasquared · 04/05/2014 13:23

I suppose I just want to get passed this feeling of resentment and be back to our loving marriage that we have enjoyed for so long.

You will get there. You're doing the right thing by looking at the rest of your life and seeing what else could make you feel fulfilled.

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Marylou62 · 04/05/2014 14:10

I like OP had always wanted 4 DCs since I was very young. After 2 I was 'desperate' for 3rd. it was a horrible, constant ache (broodiness?) and My DH was as desperate not to!! I remember being tearful and so so so upset that he wouldn't even consider it. I even told him (in a row) that if he didn't let me have DC3 I would find someone who would....(terrible I know but I was that sad.) Eventually we had a good talk and it was a good friend who said to him that I was a good mother and that as we had quite a traditional marriage ie....he worked and I did nearly all the childcare (I was a nanny) that it shouldn't disrupt his life too much so why not.. We also talked about who would be saddest...me if we didn't have 3rd or him if we did. ....I also made it clear that if we had 3rd I would never ask for 4th....Anyway....1st time we tried....DC3!!! It backfired a bit because it was a difficult pregnancy and birth and I was quite unwell but unable to admit I wasn't coping as I had wanted another so badly. DC3 is a much loved child, so like his father it is uncanny. There has never been any 'I never wanted him' from my DH, even when he had to take on some childcare because I was unwell. Even when DC3 was older and was a terrible handful for a while. WE have never regretted it and I feel blessed that DH listened to me and understood that primeval, basic instinct that I had. I think you should really have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel. Does he know how sad you are at the moment. I am not saying that he will agree, but if you can talk it through, maybe you will be able to move on. DC3 has just left home to join the Navy at 17 so know the empty nest feeling...but wanting him was another feeling altogether....good luck.

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Chocoholic36 · 04/05/2014 14:28

Op I know exactly how you feel. I was desperate for a 4th I always felt 4 was my number if you know what I mean. Dh said no and that was it. I tried to convince him otherwise but he would not budge at all. He have me all of his reasons and to be fair they were all very valid and e was right. It wasn't the right time for us. I then went through a bit of a grieving period - I couldn't imagine never giving birth again or holding MY baby in my arms again.

When I spoke to my councilor (unrelated issues) and mentioned this to her she explained it very well. It is our natural instinct to have babies it is what we have been put on this earth to do, when someone takes that decision from us it's hard.

As for your husband you both need to sit down and talk. You need to tell him how scared you are of this ruining your relationship and work from there. Getting him to change his mind isn't going to fix the problem because then he is going to be feeling how you are. You obviously have a strong marraige to have been together for so long.

Good luck op x