to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

I know lots and lots of families like this. And families like this (but probably without the love and commitment to making their children happy) have been the norm for families for centuries. There's a whole lot of sentimental claptrap being spouted on this thread.

And really, why do people bother posting 'well done on getting the job, but I couldn't possibly leave my poor babies for days at a time like that'? What's the point? Passive aggressive bullshit. If you want to tell shreddiez you think she's a horrible mother for wanting to do something other than obsessively parent, then say it, don't dress it up with a tinkly laugh. So irritating.

Cal laird I wasn't saying children are damaged when Nannies leave in normal circumstances. I was referencing work on attachment on the issue of what can happen if the nanny is in the role of the primary attachment figure. Obviously this isn't the usual nanny role.

OddFodd. Plenty of people here who don't obsessively parent... Whatever that means... Just think that when someone asks for opinions on a baby (the one year old) having minimal parental contact for most of the week it is valid to say that this is not ideal.

I am not going to come on and attack the op or anyone else doing their best. Parenting is hard. If we lay out our choices for others to comment, then the comments may not be universally positive and supportive.

I though AIBU was about giving honest opinions... This thread seems to be a cheerleading thread where anyone who expresses a difference of opinion is shot down, accused of being jealous etc.

I just reread your Initial post OP. I do think someone is entitled to make negative comments if you do rely upon them, or make consistent requests to them for, help with childcare (eg if nanny was sick, had her own emergency to attend to). Then I can see that the negativity would not be coming from jealousy or judgemental attitudes of how much mum/dad should be there. It would actually be impacting their own lives.

Captain - it is a usual role for nanny though. Many nannies start when child is still asleep in am and put child to bed before thy leave. So even standard job parents wouldn't see child all all for 5 days in some circumstances

I can understand people commenting that they couldn't cope with that level of career themselves. I can understand them saying that their own family wouldn't run smoothly and happily with it

But it's quite bizarre when people take it upon themselves to tell the OP that her family will suffer!!

And some posts seem to be imagining all sorts of things that the OP hasn't even said- eg that it will impact negatively on others if the nanny is sick etc IME people working at this sort of level make, and pay for, watertight arrangements and back up plans. The OP isn't expecting relatives to run round unpaid after her- she has an excellent set up in place, and we've also heard from a number of nannies on here who say the hours and the terms of the post sound totally normal, and they've described the loving, warm relationships they've built with the families they've worked for.

If its not a case of wanting to piss on someone's else's chips (because sadly some people do see it as a threat when a woman has a high flying career and a large, happy family) then what exactly are people criticising for?
Concern for the OPs children? Yeah right...
The OP and her husband love and know their children better than any of us. She already has a very good job and a wonderful nanny, so this is hardly someone who's moving from being at home all the time to jet setting around the world.

Janey: It's also quite bizarre that the posters who are not saying 'fantastic - go for it' are accused of being jealous.

I had my DCs 30 - 35 years ago. I loved the three hours of 'freedom' that playgroup gave me twice a week when the DCs reached three years old, but I wouldn't have even thought of leaving them for days at a time.

I loved being with them.

To be accused of being jealous is utterly bizarre.

As I have already said I wish the OP and her family well.

I only made the comment about backup care because a) OP seemed a bit annoyed that MiL has never helped with the children implying that she has needed such help and b) it's been a bit of an issue me recently (though subsided after the holidays). I do resent some people who seem to expect us to be cheerleaders for their full time work and look after their kids when their 'watertight' childcare plans fall through (never known anyone to have one). If you are relying on the one nanny and neither parent is likely to be around it certainly isn't.

Hours of freedom when kids are at play group or school is a huge and slightly odd luxury IMHO.

I personally would definitely not discount the relocation idea if things are going well a few months in.

The OP seems to have gauged the opinions of everyone bar the people who matter most in this- her children.

I assume the 8 and the 5 yr old can speak. What do they think?

Actually, the MIL comment wasn't, as I read it, that the OP wanted the MIL to help with childcare, but felt it wasn't really fair for a completely non-involved MIL to comment on her own presence or absence from the home.

And watertight plans: most of this has been pretty carping. Not (and there have been some posts to this end, to be fair) 'do remember you'll need watertight second-string plans because something always goes tits-up at the last minute'.

mother that's what I though about the MIL comment.

The OP wasn't bothered that the MIL didn't help, but felt that since she didn't it left the MIL without much locus from which to comment.

If it's right for you and yours do it

If it isn't don't

the end

I would seriously consider relocating OP, most of all for your own health and quality of life. The kids will adapt easily as they are still young and won't have established friendships yet. Hopefully your DH can sort something out with his employers or he may be the one to do most of the travelling as he is a lot of the time travelling anyway from what I unserstand, with most of the child are coming down to you. If you start looking for a nanny soon, you will be able to get one in time. See it as a new begin, new challenge, and it will be okay.

Look op no point plaintively asking why are some attacking and mean about your ft working
some posters think mums must give work,stay at home and exist through children and chores
They enact a patriarchal arrangement happy to not work,and be beneficiary of partner wage

Of course they're going to berate you

You,however have choices,skills and an employer keen to recruit you.thats v advantageous
You have a nanny whos capable

So its immaterial what the precious moments crew think

Frankly.I wouldn't bother seeking anyone else online opinion,itd be me and dp discuss.end of

I'm another one who's not 'jealous' because I hold a particular opinion. Nor do I have double standards - since becoming a father, my DP has completely changed his work routine. He's lucky - he manage to stop 90% of travel and stays at home the first 2 or 3 hours DS is awake. Don't know how long it will last tbh but it was either that or he would get a new job. For us it's important we both spend time with our child. Seems a bit weird that that's seen by some to be weird.

bobber - the OP has asked her eldest child if you'd bothered to read the thread properly.

And by obsessive parenting I meant those parents who live their entire lives through their children and never pursue any interests or ambitions of their own. There are plenty of them on MN

OP, I agree with Scottishmummy don't look for validation on here. In rl I am unusual in the amount of hours I work compared with many of my friends who work part-time or SAH, but I get very little criticism and lots of 'I don't know how you do it' or 'I couldn't do it' and general envy I have an interesting career. Perhaps they don't dare say it to my face! I don't feel judged and on the very odd occasions I do, I just see it as natural people will defend their own choices and decisions, just as I do mine. I'm very happy with my choice and this makes it easier- also as your children get older, they have their own ideas and opinions on your (and your husband's) working, so the discussion opens up.

Get on with it- if it is not working out, it sounds like you are eminently employable and will get snapped up for something else.

I'm jealous. Where do I get a job like this one?

OddFodd - agreed and plenty of them in real life. Unfortunately I know quite a lot of women who are completely disollusioned with their lives, particularly now their children are in Secondary or off to University. They are bored out of their brains but 10 years out of their careers has mean't they have lost confidence, are not up to date with technology, business, legislation etc.

I also feel quite sorry for some of the children whose mum's have too much spare time and are constantly up at the school and living their lives with them. I have "known" of one since reception who was constantly in the classroom from day one, totally monopolising the teacher's time so no-one else got a look in. It was so frustrating for all the other parents and teachers, this theme has continued and now her oldest is 12 but still she is constantly at school under the guise of helping with reading, PTA etc. If I were her child I don't think I would be impressed.

some posters think mums must give work,stay at home and exist through children and chores They enact a patriarchal arrangement happy to not work,and be beneficiary of partner wage

now then......for the 10000000th time.. some of the people flagging concerns are working Mums. I work FT, and only see my kids in the evening. If I travel, i dont see them at all.

therefore I could not be classified in anyway in the rather negative "cliche" that some people on MN attribute to SAHMs

however I do think they need to make sure that the kids will be OK, her fucking gender is irrelevant frankly, I would say the same if she had posted about her husband making this shift

and I am very child centred, so shoot me!

Blimey Amanda in all my years of teaching and as a sahm I know nobody like that.

I know several parents with a keen interest and involvement in their children's education,a quality which had been shown to have huge benefits for children particularly those not lucky enough to be privately educated.

Would love to know how you see all these parents monopolising the teacher's time considering you're never there being far too busy off working and having such an amazing life us mere sahp can only dream off.

They are jealous jealous jealous. Fuck them all.

why on earth would I , a fulltime WOHM be jealous of OP?

I work for a firm where alot of people travel, and dont see their kids. In the main it does cause a drop is their wellbeing. Across the whole company. globally.

they suck it up, as we all have to. But the fact is not seeing their kids week on week is for many the most negative part of their job

I don't think jealousy is part of it. I think the op should do it, as she needs to give it a try not turn it down without knowing for sure.

But I wouldn't assume the people who are against are jealous.