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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's right to tell exH I'm pregnant?

23 replies

Cleohatra · 29/04/2014 21:15

ExH and I have a 6 year old together and she knows I'm pregnant. ExH and I have been separated since her pregnancy and he's now married with another child. Dd is seeing him for the first time since finding out I'm pregnant tomorrow and I was thinking of giving him a call or text message to tell him the news first before she does. He has always been scornful of my marriage and I'd rather he have time to digest the news rather than dd see his probably unimpressed reaction, which I think (hope) he'd have the decency to hide from her as she's very excited.

However my friend said I'm being unreasonable and it's nothing to do with him, that sharing the news with him 'especially' by making a call is disrespectful to my husband and makes it seem as though I'm apologetic for it I figure it's something that will affect our dd massively so right to tell him. Aibu?

OP posts:

deakymom · 29/04/2014 21:19

did he tell you in the same way when his wife had a baby? follow his lead maybe?

BillyBanter · 29/04/2014 21:20

I think it should come from you rather than your DD.

Maybe just text him saying 'Just to let you know that I'm pregnant, due October, so DD may be chatting about that when you have her tomorrow'.

WooWooOwl · 29/04/2014 21:21

Your friend is wrong. You are right about doing it for the sake of your daughter, who needs a lot more consideration than whether or not it's respectful to your husband or not. He presumably had a choice in the matter and isn't expected to spend all day with your ex, nor be the one that's faced with his reaction.

I cannot understand your friends POV at all.

Nimble2000 · 29/04/2014 21:22

Hi - I understand your situation, but I feel it's right to tell him. He will obviously find out and it is better to face the situation full on. Your dd will be excited, and he needs some preparation to deal with this.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 29/04/2014 21:22

If you're doing it in order to make sure he gives DD an appropriate (positive) response to her exciting news, I don't see the problem.

bumbleymummy · 29/04/2014 21:23

I think Billy's text is good.

SomethingProfound · 29/04/2014 21:27

Your friend is being ridiculous, it is in no way disrespectful to your husband to tell you ex about your pregnancy.

Personally I would tell him, purely to give him a heads up so he is aware of what's going on, especially if your DD is going to talk about it. If you think his reaction is going to be negative it's probably best that your DD doesn't witness it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/04/2014 21:27

If you are worried about your DH thinking its disrespectful, why don't you ask him instead of your friend?

Charley50 · 29/04/2014 21:29

And if it won't provoke him maybe add, "she's really excited so please be positive about it to her."

Heathcliff27 · 29/04/2014 21:29

I told my exH when I was pregnant, I thought it only right that it should come from me and not my DS. The next time I let my DS tell him. We do have an odd relationship though, he buys my daughters birthday and xmas gifts. His partner is pregnant and due any day, I already have a couple of outfits bought for the baby.

Original poster

Cleohatra · 29/04/2014 21:30

I'm not worried Boney - was just explaining what friend said. Dh doesn't mind either way. ExH told me hiswife was pregnant in front of dd when dropping her off, but I'd already guessed weeks earlier. He probably won't be overjoyed so I think it's better he knows beforehand so he can disguise that.

OP posts:

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/04/2014 21:33

I wish I'd have texted/ emailed.

When DS1 told XH i was pregnant he didn't react well, then just stopped maintenance in the middle of the school holidays. Reinstated soon afterwards, after I threatened to tell his Mum, but a minimal amount.

Tinpin · 29/04/2014 22:43

I think that sounds like a lovely relationship Heathcliff, not odd at all, and great for your son.

wheresthelight · 29/04/2014 22:50

We told dp's exw we were pregnant before the kids went home after we told them so she knew, it was only fair towarn her oourselves.

Officially my exh doesn't know I was pregnant!! A loud mouth now ex friend told him but I have never discussed it with him as it's none of his business and to be frank the ea bastard would find some way of turning it from a joyously amazing experience to something horrible. I have a gorgeous baby girl and he can swivel!

HavannaSlife · 29/04/2014 23:25

Dp told exh about ds5, can't remember who told him about 3 &4. He was never going to have a problem though so in your situation maybe you should let him though.

Why on earth would he have a problem though, is he a bit of a twat

Original poster

Cleohatra · 30/04/2014 07:02

Havanna he's always said dh and I will split so I guess this is confirmation of it all being more solid thanhe hoped. You'd think after 7 years apart it'd be fine wouldn't you but at least now I think he'll have the decency to listen to dds excitement and keep quiet

OP posts:

devoniandarling · 30/04/2014 07:14

heath I think that sounds fabulous! Not odd at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/04/2014 07:19

I think it's sensible to tell him. Your alternative is to put that responsibility on your 6 year old or to make her keep it a secret, neither of which are appropriate. I don't think you need to invite comment from him, nor seek his approval, just keep it brief and factual.

HavannaSlife · 30/04/2014 07:20

Ahh silly man, yes id let him know then.

Congratulations on your pg btw

Heath we have a similar relationship, by presents for the dc etc

ZingWatermelon · 30/04/2014 07:23

He'll find out eventually so I'd be upfront and tell him.
(or let your DD tell him if you think it's appropriate - she is probably excited to tell people)

congratulations on pg

Whocansay · 30/04/2014 08:26

I would probably text him along the lines of BillyBanter's suggestion. I would be prepared for a VERY nasty response though, so make sure someone is with you when you open it.

Congratulations, OP.

Purplepoodle · 30/04/2014 10:15

I would just give him a call or a text and tell him.

BruthasTortoise · 30/04/2014 10:56

I personally wish DH had never opened the lines of communication to his ex regarding my first pregnancy as she seemed to believe it gave her free reign to comment in completely abusive ways about every aspect of the pregnancy. However she's fairly irrational at the best of times and I wouldn't like to think what her reaction would've been had the DSSs been the ones to break the news. YANBU.

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