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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to lay off the hockey tournaments for JUST ONE YEAR

81 replies

Suebedo · 29/04/2014 13:11

My DH plays at 3 weekend-long hockey tournaments per year. One in our town, one 30 miles away and one over an hour away on the August bank holiday weekend. I've always been fine with the first 2 and put up with the last one because I get the 'you know how important hockey is to me and I won't be able to do this forever' line.
Our DS is 6 months old and is going through a very demanding stage (will rarely play alone for long and has to do everything standing up. Which of course he can't do alone). DH wants to go to his cousin's stag do, which is fair enough, but still expects to go to both the away hockey things. AIBU to expect him to give the blasted things a miss for just this year? Or only do a day? Given that we now have a child. He's EBF and I don't want to leave him with anyone else overnight yet, so could not go with. DH works hard and needs his down time, I appreciate that, but it's likely next year we can all go together and him being away means no rest for me all week.

OP posts:

ShoeWhore · 29/04/2014 18:17

YANBU. Hockey matches every weekend plus a weekend away at a stag do plus 3 weekends away drinking playing hockey? Sounds a bit unfair to me.

Is there a compromise you could reach? Could he do one of the festivals instead of all 3?

Lilaclily · 29/04/2014 18:18

When my best friend got married she made her dh give up Saturday cricket in the summer & Saturday football in the winter to spend time with her
Then he got depressed and had a breakdown
I'm not saying giving up his hobbies caused it but it didn't help
The first thing the doctor suggested was to take up exercise

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2014 18:21

Exactly lilaclilly. I wouldn't want my dh to spend time with me/us under duress, but rather because he wants to.

ThisIsLID · 29/04/2014 18:28

Wish people were actually reading the thread....
Lily if you read carefully you will see it's not the 3 weekends away that the issue but 3 weekends away on the top of every saturday away.
And the OP is NOT going to get the same because she is bfing and surprise surprise, she is putting the needs of her baby before hers!

are are you happy for you DH to be away playing golf for the day every weekend though?
Are you happy that he is having a break every week, doing something he likes, but you never do?
Are you happy that he is sulking like a toddler when he is asked to come spending some time with his family? because you know, as a grown man and a father, why on earth would he want to spend time with his family doing something special such as a day at the zoo (not a weekly occurrence I gather)? I really wonder....

ThisIsLID · 29/04/2014 18:31

But are is your DH wanting to spend time with you and his family? How often does he want to so?

And is it not his role as a parent to spend some time with his dcs, doing things that his dcs enjoy such as a day at the zoo, which is a one in a while thing?
I mean I take my dcs to the the zzo, just as you did, not because I live zoo but because my dcs do. Is it above your DH to do the same and be well a parent?

ThisIsLID · 29/04/2014 18:35

Lila, when I et DH we were both doing lots of thinsg at the weekend, things that were full day type of stuff.
When we got together, we actually both slow down on it to be able to spend time together.
Then we had the dcs and again we both reduce our activities. In particular, DH agreed to a once in a fortnight activity rather than a weekly one, plus one evening a week. I stopped everything until the dcs were older.
It's part of becoming parents and it's only fair that both woman and men reduce (not stop!) their activities

Very different from what you are describing where one partner force the other to stop everything to ... what only spend time with them?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2014 18:38

Thisis - I personally have a lovely balance of life, thank you, plenty of family time, and plenty of me time for each of us . We're really lucky how we love.

But I won't bore you with that, as we're not talking about my life. Back to op...

Thing is op is breastfeeding, so what us the point of her DH sitting around whilst she does it? He can't help. Rather he plays hockey this year, then when op can actually go out for a day, ie when she's not breastfeeding, then she does exactly that.

Lilaclily · 29/04/2014 18:39

I get what your saying but I still wouldnt stop my dh going away 3 weekends a year
& he works every Saturday
Sorry but I'm not going to tell him what he can & can't do
I'd rather he be happy & in turn be happy for me to do what I want

Bowlersarm · 29/04/2014 18:41

Hockey is not a game you can dip in and out of LID. It is a team game. Therefore you have to be a team player, not dip in and out when your DW allows you to. So unrealistic to suggest the OP's DH does it once a fortnight as your Dh chose to do whatever he did.

WooWooOwl · 29/04/2014 18:45

YABU.

Becoming a parent doesn't have to mean giving up the hobby you enjoy the most, and it sounds like he's already compromised to accommodate having a baby.

ThisIsLID · 29/04/2014 18:50

Parenting isn't something you can dip in and out either...

are my questions were to question you about your life. I am sure you are happy with the way it is and have a found a balance. My point was that you probably aren't in a situation where you see your DH so little.

I am all for 'not telling DH' what to do. But it is assuming that said DH is able to get the fact his dw is struggling and is deeply unhappy with the situation.
If said DH isn't realizing that and wants to carry on with his things despite his dw unhappiness, then what? Is she suppose to 'suck it up'?

it's all about balance and the OP doesn't have that balance at all. She is saying that it's too much for her and she wants more time together. Is her DH not suppose to listen to her too?
And btw it's not because one person or even the majority of women is happy with their DH being away every weekend that every women should be.... The OP is totally in her right not to like it and to say so.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2014 19:01

Lid - the ops dh is out for 3 hours on a weekend. 3 hours out of a possible 48, 32ish awake. That's 10%. It's not that much. The op could also have 3 hours off, between feeding. Still loads of family time.

Bowlersarm · 29/04/2014 19:14

Nope, don't buy it. Think the OP is still bu.

Original poster

Suebedo · 29/04/2014 19:30

Gosh, strong opinions.
He plays hockey every weekend, which means being out for 3-4 hours in the middle of a Saturday, thus leaving little time for any outings as a family. The local tour has been and gone. DS and I went to watch one day and that was fun (ish/ poor weather). Dropping to a lower level of team is not a massive compromise IMO. He doesn't 'sit around' whilst I BF. It doesn't take long, but is frequent, so I have not been siting at home like a milch cow for the last 6 months.
This isn't about whether he should give up hockey. I know how much he loves it. It's about whether he should be away for 3 weekends when we have a baby and wanting him to spend them as a family. Time for both of us to go away when DS is older. 'You'll have your chance in 6 months' is not much of a mood booster when you're in the middle of it.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2014 19:42

3 weekends out of 52 is not that many. If you 'make' him stay home, do you think that will be a fun weekend? Or do you think he will spend it imagining where he could have been?

clam · 29/04/2014 19:57

Well, on the fence about the 3 weekends a year bit (as long as you can have time in lieu when it suits), but I wouldn't be swallowing the line about "not being able to do it forever." I have good friends in their 50s who still play competitively. And once your dcs get older, it won't be such an issue him buggering off anyway.

Out of interest, if your ds wasn't EBF and you were OK about leaving him, how would he feel about you nipping off for whole weekends leaving him home alone with the baby?

kennyp · 29/04/2014 20:11

it's a difficult time when your son is young and he needs his mother so much, but three weekends isn't particularly a biggy - although i would have ranted if that had been me i'd've definitely have banked time off in the future for me to do whatever i want to do.

my husband refuses point blank to not attend the boxing day football match (premiership team). that REALLY pisses me off too.

hope he feels your wrath (gentle or not so gentle?!) and is happy for you to have leisurely days alone when your son is older

Original poster

Suebedo · 29/04/2014 20:34

That's part of my point, it's just this year when we're getting used to being a family. DH would take DS for a whole weekend if he wasn't EBF but says he'd be nervous. I've banked some me away time; DH is doing days only at the next tour, with DS and I going one day and a friend helping me with DS on the other (DS has swimming); August is 'we'll see a bit further in the year' with me warning that might be a complete no. Depends whether DS is weaned.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 29/04/2014 20:40

It is the fact that it is the three bank holiday weekends that would get to me - those are the really nice times, you get a bit of extra time with each other, people have parties and barbeques etc, you can go away for a long weekend. If they were all taken up with a hobby I would feel a bit meh, especially with an EBF six month old baby.

ANd this is a sport that takes up every bloody Saturday as well.

Bet01 · 29/04/2014 20:43

I think a lot of posters on this thread are missing the point. Saying stuff like 'well it won't be a fun weekend anyway because he'll be miserable that he's not gone to play hockey, best leave him to it' is depressing in it's own right but also not the point. The point is, as a new father, why does he WANT to leave his new son every weekend, plus 3 weekends away for hockey and a stag do? That's the sad thing. That, and that he clearly isn't listening to the OP who (I think) has told him it'd be nice for him not to go, and is just going anyway. Thoughtless and selfish IMHO.

Bet01 · 29/04/2014 20:45

Sounds like you put your foot down OP-great! But it's still a bit sad that you needed to...

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 29/04/2014 20:53

I'd be pissed off with every saturday, 3 weekends away plus a stag weekend, especially if I was left holding the baby.

YANBU. He's acting like a single man.

kaizen · 29/04/2014 21:06

I'd be pissed off about the Bank Holidays been taken up by his sport. And every Saturday too. Seems like blokes get to keep enjoying their hobbies, while women are expected to have the children as their new 'hobby'.

It must be great to spend time with your mates and do something you love, that is healthy, AND get to come home to a lovely family.

Oldskoolschooluniform · 29/04/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 29/04/2014 21:30

Well, being left holding the baby so often while her dh is off out doing his own thing is possibly not what the OP signed up for either.

And why does someone always pop up on these threads and imply that an OP is being clingy and has no life of her own, just because she has a reasonable objection to being left home alone on several Bank Holiday weekends while he goes off on a number of jollies.

DH and I have always held separate interests and hobbies and in no way live in each other's pockets, but I'd have been hacked off in the OP's shoes too.

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