To expect DH to lay off the hockey tournaments for JUST ONE YEAR

[Suebedo]

My DH plays at 3 weekend-long hockey tournaments per year. One in our town, one 30 miles away and one over an hour away on the August bank holiday weekend. I've always been fine with the first 2 and put up with the last one because I get the 'you know how important hockey is to me and I won't be able to do this forever' line.
Our DS is 6 months old and is going through a very demanding stage (will rarely play alone for long and has to do everything standing up. Which of course he can't do alone). DH wants to go to his cousin's stag do, which is fair enough, but still expects to go to both the away hockey things. AIBU to expect him to give the blasted things a miss for just this year? Or only do a day? Given that we now have a child. He's EBF and I don't want to leave him with anyone else overnight yet, so could not go with. DH works hard and needs his down time, I appreciate that, but it's likely next year we can all go together and him being away means no rest for me all week.

It's hard. Like you I EBF and felt like I never got a break. I counted down the days till the weekend and then DH would disappear off and play hockey!

I knew it was selfish to expect him to give up his sport but sometimes I just wanted some time off too. And if he played hockey on Saturday then Sunday was our only family day so when was I supposed to have a break?

For me it wasn't the random weekends away on their own more the weekends on top of all the other stuff. Could you arrange something nice for may weekend or could he book a long weekend at another time for you to do something nice together?

Well, I don't thinly yabu with or without children. It's one year off a bank holiday weekend away from his family for his own recreation.

It's not always easy to magic up an unattached friend to do something with - it's not unreasonable to want to speed that time ad a family.

You need to start working on boundaries now . .

Exactly Hairylittlegoblin. As soon as I think 'phew, the hockey season is over' the tournaments start. Our h
I have gone walking by myself and had a brilliant time (all of my friends are in couples) but funnily enough, I'd rather do something we both love together.

YANBU. I take it you're a SAHM? I was one for 18 months and BELIEVE ME it's hard (you know that already I guess, having done 6 months!). If it was me, I'd think the following:
Given that you having a DC was presumably a joint decision, and he gets to go to work every day (which is actually easier than staying at home, and don't let him convince you otherwise) he should really want to spend ALL his time with you/DC and not playing hockey, until such time as you're both able to have breaks away from DC. Otherwise it's very constant for you, and very unair: at home all week and then no break at the weekend. I'd be pretty resentful too.
Leave the hobbies until later, when DC is less demanding. I completely agree with those that have said you should take the equivalent days yourself, when you can.
So, a lone voice on this thread, but hope that helps!
By the way, I take it you've told him all this? and what did he say?

OK not so lone, I see. A few YANBU's since I posted!

DP plays hockey and I am so glad when it's over (as it means I don't see him til sat eve most weekends during hockey season). But it's 'hockey festival' this weekend which just involves a few games and a lot of drinking, from friday eve to sunday eve. I can't stop my eyes from rolling and rolling when I think about it tbh. I was invited but I'm not an alcohol fan so have planned for someone to have DS so I can go out and do something more funn else instead.

Basically just saying I feel your pain. DP lives for hockey (after us) and has cut down a lot on it so I don't mind him doing the odd hockey gathering. But it doesn't mean I don't think it's a bit OTT really...Just because it's a whole weekend really.

Can you plan to do some nice stuff with your DC that weekend? And ask that when he's no longer EBF you get to do your own thing for a weekend too so you don't feel like it's a piss take?

Seriously bet? ALL his time with OP & DC? That's a really healthy balance

Equal days and time off is needed too (i have a weekend in the me time bank atm, yay)!

I know lots of people think you should be super cool with it but actually, when your kid(s) are that tiny you just can't help thinking 'well how nice for you whilst I'm left holding the baby' Even if it is unreasonable. I'd still leave it though as that's just the way it goes if your DC is ebf. It won't be that way forever and then you can go with him/he can do the same for you if you want to do something for a weekend sometime

Last bit, sorry, forgot to add...

Is there anything you can't do/avoid doing when DP is there? Like playing music he hates, taking up all the bed, watching tv/films he hates etc that you could do during that weekend? I use 'hockey' time to do all that stuff and just enjoy some DC time in the day and me time in the eve. I know it's trickier with a younger DC but YSWIM.

Is it all day Sats or just a couple of hours? Are you starting to feel a bit resentful because baby is making big changes to your lifestyle, but his doesn't seem to have changed much?

It's not fair for him to not be feeling the impact as well as the pleasure of having children. If he is playing hockey all day (sounds unlikely) can he find a way of reducing his commitment to the team. If it's playing plus pub/social time, then it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to cut the socialising and get home to you.

3 weekends a year doesn't sound like a lot, but if it's on top of only being around one day a week the rest of the time, I can see why you are feeling put out.

If you don't fancy going to the festivals (understandable) what about some of the Saturdays? I don't know what hockey clubs are like, but have you tried going? OH plays Sunday amateur football and I never thought in a million years I'd ever go and watch something like that (hate football) but actually I have a nice time when I go. Not every time but now and then. The team are very friendly, quite often there's another wife/girlfriend or two there to chat to, people bring their kids and babies (some grounds have little play areas), it's more interesting to watch when it's your OH playing, and then there's an hour or so in the clubhouse afterwards having some sarnies and drinks (all of us) and chatting. Gets me out into the fresh air. And it's nowhere near as neanderthal as I assumed it would be.

Yep Funkes I know it's a bit OTT but I only meant until they can BOTH do stuff they want to do. Otherwise the DH gets to bugger about getting smashed and having fun while OP has to sit at home. That's really unfair.

IF you are ebf it is hard to get a break and you can feel that you are the one always on duty 24/7, as you have to be there most of the time. But can you go out for a couple of hours now with OH looking after baby, to go do your own thing at the weekend as well?

And it would drive me nuts to always be with my OH. I like time to do my own thing. That's horses for courses, some people like to always be together. But at the moment, he can't really do anything about your not getting the same time away from responsibilities/baby.

Yabu. You both need "me time"

Just make sure you get a turn too.

at JUST ONE YEAR. YABU.

We have both retired from hockey, but now mountain bike instead. Careful what you wish for. You can mountain bike anytime, and my husband is always disappearing! But whilst I envy him, I'd do the same if I didn't feel so tied to my DCs. ( as in, I choose to be tied to them, I hate letting anyone else look after them!).

It's good for my DHs soul. And hockey is so sociable, and tour is fab. Whether you drink or not!

Still it's only OK if you both enjoy the hockey/biking/whatever floats your boat.
When it means one person does what they like to do (in this case hockey every weekend and 3 full weekends and going away for a stag do and ... and .... and....) whilst the OP is at home looking after their child and getting no time doing what she likes to do (in this case, spending time together as a family), then there is an issue.

If the Op was happy to be at home with her dc, was using that time to, let's say spend time with family/friends, and was enjoying it rather than resenting it, then that's fine.
But she doesn't and that's the whole point.... both partners need to make some allowances here.

OP my DH used to do things like this. He had his hobbies and didn't want to stop them at all once our dcs were there, cue for me to be on my own at home for the week (SAHM then) and then on my own most of the weekend (DH away for his hobbies).
It had to stop. We had a chat and agreed to a 2 week system where he could do his hobby one day every other weekend, I could do something for myself the other weekend.
I choose to spend that day for 'myself' with my family (my choice) but I could have gone to see friends/hobbies/shopping/whatever.
We also wrote on a wall calendar what we were doing, to keep track on who was were (essential too as the dcs got older). The good thing was it also show how much DH was away and little he was spending at home with us. Big wake up call there....

And I agree with Bet that he should want to spend his time with his ds that he has hardly seen during the week as he is working full time (and very hard I am sure) rather than being away from both his ds and his dw...

A YABU from me, I'm afraid.

YABU

Both my ds play hockey and go away for weekends. They are only young but there are many married men who go, they take their family with them sometimes.
Could you and dc not go and have a mad shop or go to the zoo or other attraction.

Yep LID that's completely it. It should be the first thing he wants to do! Hockey is OK pre-DC if the other partner is fine with it, but things change when you have DC, it doesn't carry on like before (at least not without one person making all the sacrifices).

YABU

It's only 3 weekends!

Sorry but yabu. It's not that much. As a hockey player myself I also think it's bang out of order to only play home matches. That essentially means someone else only plays away matches. Which isn't fair.

more once again, IF their dw are happy to tag along to whole weekend spend playing hockey then that's fine.
But the OP is NOT happy to do that every saturday and for some weekends too.
Because she wants to spend time with him and their dc as a family and not be left on her own doing all the HW, the childcare and have no time for herself (If she does and takes every sundays as he does every saturdays, they will never see each other....)

I am struggling to see how this is an unreasonable request.

I actually think she is very kind already to be happy for her DH to spend every saturday doing his things leaving her at home alone. AGAIN.

Thing is thisis is family time is all well and good if you both want that, but not if one of you doesn't. So, that argument works both ways.
if I tell my dh we're going to the zoo for a family day when he wants to play golf, he'll basically just mope along behind us. No fun for anyone. Rather just let him play.

Oh it sounds good to me
He gets three weekends a year
You get 3 weekends a year
Tit for tat works for me & dh
He buggers off with his mates & I do the same
Gives us something to chat about too when we come home
Daily Life can be mundane , weekends doing different things adds spice