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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about jobs, I'm being made to feel I am..

56 replies

BasicFish · 28/04/2014 21:39

DH got made redundant at the end of March. He had known since Feb that this was a high possibility.
He has just (yesterday) written his CV and (today) sent it in to a job agency.

During this whole month I haven't pressured him to find another job, I know being made redundant is a huge bitch and he is probably hurting a lot, so I've carried on working full time, he's had some free time, then been the main carer for the kids a lot, cooked dinner and done housework. It's been quite nice in that respect Smile But also completely terrifying as we are fast running out of money.

The last week especially I've been feeling more and more tense, and hiding in Mumsnet/books/TV as a distraction so my head doesn't panic. This works for me and I don't get the urge to talk to him/make him feel nagged about jobs. Sad side effect is that he has noticed this and called me distant. Says I don't listen. Exhausted after work but I do try to be interested, and we have had some lovely conversations due to us having more time together.

Today I got so stressed about money that I kind of cracked and asked if he'd made any decisions about jobs. His ideas were - he doesn't want to work in the city closest to us as there's only one type of job on offer (a job he has a few years experience in) that he doesn't want to do. Part of me thinks that's very fair as I don't want him to be suffering but also we have kids to support and no time to be fussy Sad

He mentioned working in London - about 2 hours one way by train - where there are "better" jobs and more of them. Which is good, but it would mean he would be home so late that I would have to rush home from work, walk miles to pick the kids up from childcare and get us home (no car) bath time, bed time, prepare lunchboxes, housework then he would get home. I wish I was strong enough to do all that 5 days a week, but I have a physical condition that means my body is often in pain, and I'm really scared my body won't cope (he thinks me saying that is "manipulating" him, that really hurts me).

I was really worried about him working in London, and said the reasons why, He said he'd find a job that was easy to commute to and good money and early finishing hours. I feel like an utter bitch but I told him that kind of perfect job might be really difficult to find, and leave me stuck in a shit situation at home with too much to deal with. He yelled that I was controlling him and basically refused to talk to me anymore.

Now, on one hand I think I ABVVU because I feel like I've made him think I want him to do a job nearby that's shit for him but more convenient for me and kids, and not a job far away that he would enjoy but would cause me a load of stress and probably physical pain (and we'd miss him) Oh, and a huge chuck of income would go on season ticket.

On the other hand we have kids to look after, we've nearly run out of money and the closer job is definitely available. I've come across as a horrible controlling cow, and he's made me feel like I'm a shit controlling wife Sad

He says lots of families hardly see their dad/husband and I should just put up with it. Fun! Is there any way around this? I really really want him to be happy as he's a bloody nightmare when he's down so should I just sacrifice myself here?

OP posts:
AmberSweet · 28/04/2014 21:47

As much as I can sort if see why he wouldn't want to do a job he would not be happy in I actually think he is being incredibly selfish!

Why should you have to pick up the slack in every other aspect of life, making your self ill and unhappy? There is compromise and then there is just being an utter doormat. You deserve so much better then that and I think it's really sad that he isn't taking your health into consideration and calls you manipulative? What a bastard!

petalsandstars · 28/04/2014 21:55

Amber is spot on

PrincessBabyCat · 28/04/2014 22:04

Two hours is a really long commute for work everyday. Can you compromise by moving closer to London? If your kids aren't in school yet, it shouldn't be a big adjustment for them, would it?

WooWooOwl · 28/04/2014 22:10

He is being selfish.

He's right that lots of families hardly see the Dad, but in every single family I know where this is the case, and that's quite a few, the Mum either works very part time or doesn't work at all. It might be worth pointing that out to him.

Southeastdweller · 28/04/2014 22:12

But he hasn't even got an offer in London, has he, of a job?

I see it very simply - he should man up and take the job that he could get near where you live whilst applying for more interesting jobs. Now. I also think he should look into the recent research about the emotional and physical costs for commuting on commuters and their families.

Preciousbane · 28/04/2014 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kafri · 28/04/2014 22:29

IMO a job is a job when there's bills to pay and mouths to feed.
Can't he take the job nearby and if it isn't what he's after, be looking for this non existent perfect hours, perfect salary, perfect everything job in London.

I do think its rather selfish of him to think you're controlling him simply uh discussing your fears of this new adventure he seems to want. Is it mid life crisis time?? If so, tell him to buy a Porsche with the money he'll save on travel by taking the local job.

Oh, and tell him to grow up too. Sulking at you cos you've dared see a flaw on his grand career plan!!

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/04/2014 22:29

Aaah thank god I'm not being an utter cow!

princess my parents live here, so it's great to be near them (his family are abroad which didn't help as he feels that life is all good things for me, and crap things for him. .) Dc1 is in school, but has wrap around care with childminder, and ds2 starts nursery in september.

woowoo that is a very good point! Didn't think to say that to him Sad

precious thank you for understanding about the pain Thanks

Worried about bringing it up again though, don't want to hear him criticising me anymore (selfish, controlling) but I can't sit back and play happy supportive plastic wife when I'm this stressed. Cockwomble!!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/04/2014 22:30

YANBU. So he's only just got round to writing his CV? Just got round to sending it to an agency? Does he expect employers to be beating a path to his door?

He should be moving heaven and earth to get work: then he can look for something more congenial.

You've been more than patient and he needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/04/2014 22:34

Thanks Sooty. It's fucking pointless though isn't it? One month of patience and I still get called/come across as selfish and controlling. Maybe I am just really shit at expressing myself and come across as a bitch because he talks like he hates me sometimes Sad

OP posts:
Southeastdweller · 28/04/2014 22:36

The man with a family to help support only manages to do his CV two months after knowing he's likely to be made redundant Confused. Begs the question of what he does all day when you're at work?

ilovesooty · 28/04/2014 22:39

I'm a careers adviser (some of the time anyway)

He needs a reality check quite honestly. Just faffing around with such a lack of urgency and ideas won't get him anywhere.

Does he even realise that the vast majority of jobs are filled by word of mouth and aren't even advertised? How much networking is he doing? In his position he should treat looking for work as a full time job.

I am so angry for you. Angry

DocDaneeka · 28/04/2014 22:50

Bloody hell. He is faffing around isn't he?

He should have had his cv up to date as soon as he got a whiff of redundancy, and as sooty says, his job is now job seeking 9-5 mon - fri. and that means taking owt that pays till he gets his nice dream job.

I have been in his position and it ain't nice but I hassled all the relevant agencies till I got in on a sickness cover for a crap admin job ( not that all admin is crap, but this job was) then started trawling the agencies for something a bit better, and eventually after a few more temporary jobs did get a dream job. But no way would I have got it if I'd sat at home. It's only because I was out meeting people and networking did I find out about the good jobs.

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/04/2014 22:50

I really didn't expect nothing to happen for a month. I'm so stressed about this and I've been keeping it all inside. I feel like I'm going to explode!

There are a few jobs vaguely locally, money is a bit less as he had unsociable hours bonus at his last job, but it's also the "wrong" kind of job so has been dismissed.
I asked him for support (basically to let me know what what happening with Jobs, what he was looking at and that we wouldn't be destitute) as the stress is really getting to me, but he refused to support me. Apparently that's my family's job. As I'm sure they have a great idea of what kind of job he can get! Confused

A month, a bloody month! !

OP posts:
Original poster
BasicFish · 28/04/2014 22:56

Oh and to complicate matters, he's foreign and wants a job speaking his mother tongue which makes a good job even harder to come by! The one locally is a job using his mother tongue. I actually completely understand how he feels as jobs are stressful enough without doing them in the "wrong" language. But it's another obstacle and we don't have time for bloody obstacles. .

OP posts:
ihategeorgeosborne · 28/04/2014 23:19

My dh works in London for a lot of the week. His commute is about 1.5 hours each way. However, I am currently a SAHM which enables him to do this. Even so, it is hard work having a husband away for long hours with young dc. We've talked about me going back to work, but I'm not sure what job I could get that would fit in with his hours. YANBU, particularly since you work full time. It would be very difficult. Perhaps he should just apply for what ever he can locally and further away and see what offers come up and then you'd be in a better situation to make a decision. Sometimes, employers can be flexible once you've started to work for them. Dh is now in a position where he can do one day a week at home and sometimes he goes to the Bristol office, which is much closer to home.

Finney2 · 28/04/2014 23:23

The time to hunt for his 'perfect' job was back when the redundancy rumours started.

Now, beggars can't be choosers I'm afraid. There's nothing stopping getting a non-perfect job while he hunts for his perfect job, is there?

Botanicbaby · 28/04/2014 23:42

YANBU at all.

Your DP should have realised the urgency of finding another job as soon as he was aware he would be made redundant. I know its a horrible thing to deal with but the best way to tackle it is not to slip into aimlessness, esp when you have a young family.

I think its got past the point of where he can afford to be choosy, its tough out there and I think instead of arguing over some job in London that he hasn't even got yet, he should focus on doing the crappier jobs nearer to home in the meantime just to get some money coming in. Redundancy money doesn't last forever. Pretty soon weeks become months, years etc and the longer he's out of the workplace, the more daunting it will seem to get back into it. Job hunting takes up lots of time as it is, whatever the quality of the work and it seems like he's not realised this yet.

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/04/2014 23:48

He only got 2 weeks worth of redundancy money, so it's hardly like we have anything to cushion the blow. I know this is hard for him but I'm so scared. Thank you all for keeping me relatively sane!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/04/2014 23:51

Maybe say to him that if he hasnt got a job he wants within the month, he applies for every job that is avaliable in your local city.

Yambabe · 29/04/2014 00:02

so at what point have you sat him down and explained how much money you have to live on? Hmm

It's all very well him getting in a strop about what he wants to do and where the jobs are but has he actually been offered a job yet? Any job?

I think he needs a reality check. Time to put him on beans on toast for tea cos it's all you can afford........

iK8 · 29/04/2014 00:32

Yanbu. In fact, all the things he is accusing you of being are examples of his own behaviour.

He is being selfish by procrastinating. He is being selfish by putting his self indulgent needs before the need to put food on the table and a roof over your heads.

He is being controlling by not disclosing his plans that have a massive impact on you and the children and then refusing to discuss them.

He needs to stop making unilateral decisions that have massive potential to harm his family. You are supposed to be a team.

ilovesooty · 29/04/2014 07:02

Is he claiming JSA yet? He's in for a shock when he discovers that the job centre won't allow him to be fussy.

AbbeyBartlet · 29/04/2014 07:24

I agree that when someone has financial commitments then getting any job comes before the luxury of getting a 'perfect' job. He sounds selfish for not putting his CV out there the moment that he found out in February. He should get a job that is 'the wrong type' as a stopgap and then as a couple you could perhaps look into whether a London job would be viable.

He needs to get off his arse and take some pressure off you. (And that's the first time I have ever said that on MN!)

Southeastdweller · 29/04/2014 07:36

I think it's also worth pointing out to him that the bigger the gap between employment history on his CV, the worse it looks to employers. He needs to take action now.

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