AIBU about jobs, I'm being made to feel I am..

[BasicFish]

DH got made redundant at the end of March. He had known since Feb that this was a high possibility.
He has just (yesterday) written his CV and (today) sent it in to a job agency.

During this whole month I haven't pressured him to find another job, I know being made redundant is a huge bitch and he is probably hurting a lot, so I've carried on working full time, he's had some free time, then been the main carer for the kids a lot, cooked dinner and done housework. It's been quite nice in that respect But also completely terrifying as we are fast running out of money.

The last week especially I've been feeling more and more tense, and hiding in Mumsnet/books/TV as a distraction so my head doesn't panic. This works for me and I don't get the urge to talk to him/make him feel nagged about jobs. Sad side effect is that he has noticed this and called me distant. Says I don't listen. Exhausted after work but I do try to be interested, and we have had some lovely conversations due to us having more time together.

Today I got so stressed about money that I kind of cracked and asked if he'd made any decisions about jobs. His ideas were - he doesn't want to work in the city closest to us as there's only one type of job on offer (a job he has a few years experience in) that he doesn't want to do. Part of me thinks that's very fair as I don't want him to be suffering but also we have kids to support and no time to be fussy

He mentioned working in London - about 2 hours one way by train - where there are "better" jobs and more of them. Which is good, but it would mean he would be home so late that I would have to rush home from work, walk miles to pick the kids up from childcare and get us home (no car) bath time, bed time, prepare lunchboxes, housework then he would get home. I wish I was strong enough to do all that 5 days a week, but I have a physical condition that means my body is often in pain, and I'm really scared my body won't cope (he thinks me saying that is "manipulating" him, that really hurts me).

I was really worried about him working in London, and said the reasons why, He said he'd find a job that was easy to commute to and good money and early finishing hours. I feel like an utter bitch but I told him that kind of perfect job might be really difficult to find, and leave me stuck in a shit situation at home with too much to deal with. He yelled that I was controlling him and basically refused to talk to me anymore.

Now, on one hand I think I ABVVU because I feel like I've made him think I want him to do a job nearby that's shit for him but more convenient for me and kids, and not a job far away that he would enjoy but would cause me a load of stress and probably physical pain (and we'd miss him) Oh, and a huge chuck of income would go on season ticket.

On the other hand we have kids to look after, we've nearly run out of money and the closer job is definitely available. I've come across as a horrible controlling cow, and he's made me feel like I'm a shit controlling wife

He says lots of families hardly see their dad/husband and I should just put up with it. Fun! Is there any way around this? I really really want him to be happy as he's a bloody nightmare when he's down so should I just sacrifice myself here?

Thanks again for all the opinions, and it helps so much to hear everyone's experiences with this.

Some progress, he has applied for a job and sent his CV to a couple of agencies. He has been offered 2 jobs already, but 1 is a 3 hour commute on a low salary, and the other is London, but quite far from the main stations so looking at a 2.5/3hr commute there too.

Parental That's a thought. If I could find someone to brush the kids' teeth (always a nightmare!) and deal with the night wakings I'd hire them in a flash

One local job he's found is 15k, with a commute. Another local job is £18k which would obviously be better. The London job was £23k but he would have to pay for the commute which is going to make it no better than the local job (if he can even get that.) So realistically we're going to be looking at £18 or £19k regardless of where he's working, so he may as well be closer to home I suppose (he thinks so too) Less exhausting and more family time. After childcare fees (the majority of my salary) and rent/bills we're not going to have much spare.

DH doesn't want to move, it would be hard. We are lucky to rent a nice house very cheaply now, and deposit+higher rent may negate the extra salary.

Hmm. At least there's been some progress. This has made me realise that I am slightly too easy going, and yes, a bit scared of his temper. Fingers crossed for some good news tomorrow!

That's great that he's got job offers already!

Those kind of commutes to London (2.5-3 hours) are only worth it for an absolute dream job or brilliant career opportunity, mega-bucks salaries or if you have zero other options. He clearly has other options and am glad he's seeing some sense on realising that ridiculous commutes aren't going to be worth it. Equivalent jobs do pay more in London but that's only because the cost of living in London (or commuting into it) is so much greater. Higher salaries may look enticing on paper but don't mean anything when that goes directly on rent or train travel.

Would it be possible for him to get a job in London that would perhaps be three or four long days. Iv been in your situation and it's bloody tough. I decided I had to let my OH try the less than ideal job he wanted otherwise the resentment in our relationship would have been a killer. He did it fir 6 months and came to the same conclusion I had before he even took the job. He looked for something local and changed jobs.

You can be right, be perfectly reasonable but sometimes they can't see the bigger picture.

Op, PLEASE stop saying 'it's understandable' about everything he wants.

It's only understandable if he's a free agent, and HE'S NOT!!!!!

It's not understandable, it's selfish beyond belief.

He gets a job asap, and then he spends time looking for his ideal job while he's in a job.

Hope he gets the local one!

Glad he's starting applying.

OP I'll be honest when I read your post about him looking for higher paying jobs in London & taking on 3hrs commute, I was expecting both the wage he was looking for and the difference to be a lot higher than the figures you've posted.

I hope he gets the local job, I really do and also recognise that beggars can't be choosers, so it may be that he needs to take something in London short term while looking for something more suitable (because no way in hell is £23k worth adding 20hrs to your working week if it can be avoided).

I hope you don't think I'm being cheeky, but is he at an entry level in a career & thinking about a job with better prospects (thus presumably London, bigger companies)? If so, I could see why you might (if no barriers) take a job in London. If £23k is what he expects to earn in equivalent terms (he's established and he's on a career plateau) there is no way I would take on that commute, even over a job paying £16k locally.

In addition to his season ticket (presumably the usual £4-5k p.a.?) consider that he is likely to be knackered following the commute unless you're lucky enough to be on a quiet line (so he gets a seat, rather than an armpit on the train). If so, will he be making his packed lunches? If no canteen on site, regularly grabbing lunch from a sandwich bar in London can be ruinously expensive. I spent years working between Edinburgh & London. Edinburgh is an expensive city. London is on another level. Work socialising - if it's that type of environment - can have junior colleagues breaking out in a cold sweat.