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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about jobs, I'm being made to feel I am..

56 replies

BasicFish · 28/04/2014 21:39

DH got made redundant at the end of March. He had known since Feb that this was a high possibility.
He has just (yesterday) written his CV and (today) sent it in to a job agency.

During this whole month I haven't pressured him to find another job, I know being made redundant is a huge bitch and he is probably hurting a lot, so I've carried on working full time, he's had some free time, then been the main carer for the kids a lot, cooked dinner and done housework. It's been quite nice in that respect Smile But also completely terrifying as we are fast running out of money.

The last week especially I've been feeling more and more tense, and hiding in Mumsnet/books/TV as a distraction so my head doesn't panic. This works for me and I don't get the urge to talk to him/make him feel nagged about jobs. Sad side effect is that he has noticed this and called me distant. Says I don't listen. Exhausted after work but I do try to be interested, and we have had some lovely conversations due to us having more time together.

Today I got so stressed about money that I kind of cracked and asked if he'd made any decisions about jobs. His ideas were - he doesn't want to work in the city closest to us as there's only one type of job on offer (a job he has a few years experience in) that he doesn't want to do. Part of me thinks that's very fair as I don't want him to be suffering but also we have kids to support and no time to be fussy Sad

He mentioned working in London - about 2 hours one way by train - where there are "better" jobs and more of them. Which is good, but it would mean he would be home so late that I would have to rush home from work, walk miles to pick the kids up from childcare and get us home (no car) bath time, bed time, prepare lunchboxes, housework then he would get home. I wish I was strong enough to do all that 5 days a week, but I have a physical condition that means my body is often in pain, and I'm really scared my body won't cope (he thinks me saying that is "manipulating" him, that really hurts me).

I was really worried about him working in London, and said the reasons why, He said he'd find a job that was easy to commute to and good money and early finishing hours. I feel like an utter bitch but I told him that kind of perfect job might be really difficult to find, and leave me stuck in a shit situation at home with too much to deal with. He yelled that I was controlling him and basically refused to talk to me anymore.

Now, on one hand I think I ABVVU because I feel like I've made him think I want him to do a job nearby that's shit for him but more convenient for me and kids, and not a job far away that he would enjoy but would cause me a load of stress and probably physical pain (and we'd miss him) Oh, and a huge chuck of income would go on season ticket.

On the other hand we have kids to look after, we've nearly run out of money and the closer job is definitely available. I've come across as a horrible controlling cow, and he's made me feel like I'm a shit controlling wife Sad

He says lots of families hardly see their dad/husband and I should just put up with it. Fun! Is there any way around this? I really really want him to be happy as he's a bloody nightmare when he's down so should I just sacrifice myself here?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 29/04/2014 08:04

Does he realise how much of his wages will be spent on his travel to London? A lower laid job in your town may actually work out better financially.

But he has had his "holiday". To look for work effectively he should be putting in the same hours as he would if he was working.

BecauseIsaidS0 · 29/04/2014 08:10

Ehh...what language does he speak to you and your kids? If it's English, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on about wanting a job in his own language. And I say this as a foreign person working in London! Yes, it was harder for the first couple of years. It still is harder when I have to get on conference calls with people from all over the world. But I pull my big girl pants up and get on with it.

eurochick · 29/04/2014 08:10

He's being silly. If long term he wants to work in London you can talk about how that might be achieved as a family. But for now he just needs to get a job to get some money coming in.

Original poster
BasicFish · 29/04/2014 08:22

He's forrin Smile so can't claim any jsa/benefits. We are just going through our savings.

Yy re the time out of work and the travel costs. He mentioned that since employers are willing to pay travel costs, fingers crossed he finds one! And yes, his English is great, almost advanced level, he just doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't want to get a job then have to get another job in a few months, he wants a proper career, right now. Which again, is understandable!

What's scaring me is that he just wants to go home, back to his country which is understandable, he must be feeling so much stress, but he'd have to leave us behind (for the time being) so he says he doesn't want to go. So I'm just worried he's going to end up blaming me for him having to get a shit job, resenting me and life being shit.

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 29/04/2014 08:24

I feel your pain! Any way you could suggest that he can always keep searching for a job he prefers once he is in one. So he gets the close by one and then has the money coming in to be really picky.

mysteryfairy · 29/04/2014 08:41

If the job in London pays a lot more perhaps you could use the extra salary to buy a car and some help round the house? That way you might both have what you want.

starfishmummy · 29/04/2014 09:08

Has he actually checked that he can't claim benefits? Or is he just guessing. Lots of foreign workers claim benefits here and if he has been living and working here and paying contributions...

Plateofcrumbs · 29/04/2014 09:11

Employers are willing to pay travel costs? Hahaha, he really is in fantasy land.

It's all very well to say he doesn't "want" to get another job only to have to start again a few months down the line, but he doesn't have that luxury.

He needs to realise that, irrespective of his responsibilities to you and his children, it is in his own best interests to get a job, any job NOW, and then plan for the future. Because as time goes on his choices are going to narrow, not widen, as he'll be financially forced into taking a job irrespective of whether he likes it or not.

Can you talk to him about separating his plans out into short term and long term? It sounds like there is a serious discussion to be had about where you see your long term future (where you live now, London, back in his home country) but now is not the time to have it when you have more immediate concerns about putting food on the table.

EBearhug · 29/04/2014 09:25

He doesn't want to get a job then have to get another job in a few months, he wants a proper career, right now

It might be understandable, but it may not be financially practical, particularly if you can't claim benefits. Last time I was unemployed, I temped in a call centre until I got a job back in my usual field.

I think you need to look at your finances and put some limits in - you can't live off savings forever, so how long has he got to look for a job only in the area he wants? At which point does he have to start looking for a job, any job, just to get some money coming in? You should have an idea of whether that's 3 months, 6 months, whatever.

If he did go back home, that will need similar planning - when, how long? Flexibility on location is good, but I think a 2 hr commute is mad, so how feasible is moving, or other locations than London?

Has he really looked at all the options realistically? I know it's very stressful, but it needs focus and some realistic targets. I can understand having time off, but why has it taken him a month to do his CV? Job hunting can be a pretty much full time occupation in itself, but I don't get much impression that he's being very determined about it. I know you don't want to pressure him more, but if I were in your situation, I would be feeling the pressure myself (I generally don't tend to feel financially secure though, so could be projecting.)

Hoppinggreen · 29/04/2014 09:32

It's really simple - you need money so he needs to get a job.
It would be lovely if he could fanny around a bit more to look for his ideal job but unfortunately there is no such thing as the money fairy so he needs to stop being so bloody precious and contribute financially to his family.
OP you are no being a cow, bitch or anything else - he needs to grow the fuck up

Horsemad · 29/04/2014 10:18

Just tell him to start applyng for anything - ANYTHING in his field.

Beggars can't be choosers and as he hasn't got ANY job offers, he can't exactly be 'fussy', can he?

chuffchuff · 29/04/2014 10:31

YANBU.

DH was made redundant out of the blue years ago now - a total shock, made worse by the fact that we'd just moved and had a hefty mortgage. He probably spent about a week not doing much while it was sinking in, then he got himself down to the jobcentre and applied for just about any half decent job going. He had previously been a manager in a large company on a really good salary - but he realised that the important thing was to get something, anything, to keep us from going under (I had also just had a baby Shock. So he did - he took a job on pretty crap money and crap hours, which meant we managed to pay the mortgage and basic bills for the next few months. In the meantime he kept an ear to the ground for better jobs and eventually found another management job similar to what he had always done. If he'd just waited around at home for the 'perfect' job to come up, we would probably have been made homeless by now.

Xenadog · 29/04/2014 10:40

It's really simple: He gets off his arse and goes after any job and every job there is. He has a family to support and needs to be doing it now.

I think giving him a month of navel gazing was a mistake really; he doesn't get the urgency of finding work and I think by you being so understanding he still hasn't fathomed it. BTW I'm not blaming you, OP, rather I think he has just been indulged when he should have been able to step up right from the get go. Having a pity party for one isn't helping him find work.

As for what he wants regarding work, well fair enough. He can have the luxury of being picky once he has a job and is bringing money into the home. In the mean time he needs to take whatever comes along.

Original poster
BasicFish · 29/04/2014 11:02

Thanks everyone. I do feel awful that I hadn't cracked before now, but I am a bit scared of his reaction sometimes. He was out of work before, and the same thing happened but he got very angry a lot, and it was tough. I was trying to not let that happen again, but I think I've gone too far the other way this time. And why should I have to push him, you know?? (Not that anyone here is telling me to! ) He's an intelligent grown up, it's not my job to nag him!

I'm so stressed with work and money anyway, I feel like this is going to break me.

Yy to pp, indulged is a good fit. I can't figure it out Sad

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/04/2014 13:02

If he only got two week's worth of redundancy pay plus a month's wages at the end of March how long does he think your income alone plus any of your savings is going to last?

In your position I'd be in a panic as well. If he can't see that he needs to get a job, any job, then he needs to be disabused of his fantasy of looking for the "perfect" job immediately. Your household doesn't have that luxury right now. If he doesn't believe this get out a spreadsheet and show him the truth of it. A person can be accused of being unreasonable and controlling but numbers do not lie.

FryOneFatManic · 29/04/2014 13:02

OP, your DP may also want to note that employers look more favourably on people who are currently working, regardless of the type of job they are in.

I was unemployed for a while following redundancy, and I know from the questions asked at interviews that not being in work at that time was viewed with suspicion.

Now that I am in a job, I don't think this will be such a problem if I look for another post now.

I feel he needs to pull his head from his arse and get cracking on finding a job, any job.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/04/2014 13:27

He needs to grow up big time.

My BIL was made redundant, 2 weeks!!!! later he had another job, because he has kids and wife, my sisters wages would only get so far.

Southeastdweller · 29/04/2014 16:31

Reading your post at 08.22, I don't think you're being hard enough. When's he going to get his butt into gear? When the bailiffs arrive?!

And I'm stunned he'd prefer to leave you and the kids to go back to his country for a short while instead of easily finding a job locally (if I'm reading it right).

Crinkle77 · 29/04/2014 16:38

I don't think YABU. He should do any job for now just so you have money comng in and then he can continue to look for something else at the same time.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 29/04/2014 17:00

He is living in cloud cuckoo land and needs to get off his arse and find a job, any job. Then he can spend all the time likes faffing around for something better. It sounds like he's waiting for someone to appear out of nowhere and hand him his dream job. It's not going to happen.

My DH was made redundant 5 years ago. He's a research scientist with a phd, years of experience and almost 100 published papers. The Monday after he lost his position he was packing boxes in a factory warehouse. He hated it but did it for 6 months until he found the right job.

ilovesooty · 29/04/2014 17:12

If he goes back to his own country I'd be inclined to tell him to stay there.

I'm a bit worried about you being a bit scared of his reaction to be honest. He sounds very angry and difficult to reason with.

bluebeanie · 29/04/2014 20:01

My dh was made redundant the day before my due date. We had heard rumours beforehand though and he was applying for jobs every night.

A week later, he'd got another job. By then, he'd been to a fair few interviews prior to his company announcing his redundancy.

The new job is further away and meant no paid paternity leave, but s happens. Your dh needs to man up and do what needs to be done.

meikyo · 29/04/2014 20:27

He needs to take the first job that comes along to help support the family. My ex has spent 10 of the last 12 years unemployed because he spent the first 5 years after redundancy waiting for a job in the field he was qualified for. However he was made redundant because companies in that field were moving overseas. He refused to commute for work.
I offered to support him through retraining but he refused. I went back to work full time from when my only child was 5 months old. I supported the family with little help from him. I became resentful and am so glad he is now my ex.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 29/04/2014 20:34

He's an ostrich. I went through four employers in a year (company failure, seasonal contract, constructive dismissal and the last one) and I think my maximum out of work period was 11 days. They were all shit, but we met the bills every month.

In 25 years in haulage, I have spent about 8 actually enjoying myself. The rest fed, housed and clothed us.

parentalunit · 29/04/2014 20:42

I haven't read the whole thread...but if he will earn more from the London job, would you be able to afford help at home? After he is established in fictional new job, could you either move home or look for a London job yourself and then move home?

My thoughts are with you. It's a tough one, but this is marriage and good luck figuring something out. Please be nice to him, it's awful being made redundant and he might need some extra love and support, and to feel valued even though he isn't bringing in the mullah at the moment.