and totally unsympathetic regarding dhs best friends death?

[Cleohatra]

Dh is 36 and last week his 'best friend' of the same age died, which is obviously very sad. He went to see his old friends the next day and stayed with relatives so was away for two days. It's the funeral tomorrow and he's going this afternoon (it's half hour away) to see friends, will stay there tonight, go to the funeral then out tomorrow then stay at his relatives again probably returning the following afternoon or evening.

Thing is, I've never met this 'best friend' and dh hasn't seen him since I've known him. Before me he lived far from him so I'd say he probably hhadn't seen him properly for a good 12 years minimum. Dhs friends and family keep calling and texting to check he's ok and I just feel a bit because someone I haven't seen (and very barely spoken to) in 12 years is not the definition of a best friend to me. We have three young children (under 6) and I'm 10 weeks pregnant and constantly sick and think the days of mourning he's taking are taking the piss a bit, tbh.

Aibu?

Oh, you name changed especially. That's funny.

Maybe he's feeling his own mortality as someone he was close to has died so young?

YAB a bit U.

Gosh.

You think he's using his friend's death as an excuse to do what exactly? As Nanny0gg said, maybe he's pondering his own mortality. If he is upset, and it sounds like he is, he probably needs you to be a bit more supportive.

You're being insensitive.

There are loads of people I haven't seen for 10 years where I would be upset if they died. When my father died I hadn't seen him for 20 years and it was still very difficult.

He hasn't shown any upset. He hadn't really mentioned him before his death and has barely mentioned him since other than in respect of I'm going away on X days because of X'. I've asked if he's ok or wants to talk, he says himself there's not much to say as he hadn't seen him for so long. I just think 5 days off work over this is excessive. His friend took too many drugs so it's not like it could suddenly make dh health conscious or anything.

Sometimes we drift apart from old friends and don't realise we're running out of time. Your husband might have wanted to reconnect but not got round to it and now he never can. Or they might have grown apart but he still has fond memories and is sad his old friend has passed away. You say they are the same age, did they grow up together? That's always going to be a significant friendship even if they grew apart. You might not understand why your husband is grieving but he is, so try and be sympathetic. YABVU to think grieving for days about the death of an old friend is "taking the piss".

Oh, you name changed especially. That's funny

How can you tell Ruushii (genuine nosiness question)

I agree with Nanny. I attended the funeral of someone I only really knew as an acquaintance last week (she was much closer to other family members) and it has knocked the stuffing out of me. Sorry you are feeling ill, OP, but assuming you are happy that this is kosher and you don't suspect him of playing away, try and be a bit more supportive.

That's what I think any road up.

Maybe he's not "playing with his friends" but supporting them? He is an adult.

YABU
My DB was in a very similar position last year. He had been best friends with a guy for all of his high school and college life. They worked together for a while, then this guy moved away and they gradually lost touch. He died last year, aged 38 and despite my bro not having seen him for over a decade it absolutely knocked him for six. Recognising his own mortality was a big part of it, along with the fact that time flies and we don't always realise how long it's been since we saw people. That doesn't mean we don't think of them, or hope they are well.

The little bit of good to come out of this tragedy though, is that the old gang of mates are now firmly back in touch, and regularly meet up now in his mate's memory.

How is he getting the time off work?

I think it is a huge amount of time to take off work over the death of someone other than a close relative. Is he taking it as annual or compassionate leave?

Of course he would want to go to the funeral, but it does sound as if he is taking the piss being away so much given that you have young DCs and are pregnant.

Wow. YABVU. There are no 'rules' to bereavement and everyone deals with things differently. I haven't seen my best friend from school for years, but I reckon I'd be incredibly sad if anything happened to her - especially so young. Sad that a little part of my past had just disappeared. Sad for her parents who I was close to growing up. Sad for her brother and his family. Her girlfriend. Mutual friends. And my husband would be nothing other than totally supportive.

I'm sure that taking care of 3 children under 6 while also being pregnant is no walk in the park, but can you rope in any backup for a bit of help rather than feeling resentful over your husband's grief for an old friend?

Probably a combination of guilt, chance to see old friends and a bit of freedom. YANBU.

Grief affects different people in different ways.

As someone who lost a good school friend when we were both 18, and then two more friends in their early 30s when I was 29, I can honestly say the reaction to someone of your own age dying when you are not what is conventionally thought of as 'old' can bring you up with one helluva shock.

A friend dropped dead of an aneurysm at the age of 33 leaving behind two very young kids and a wife who adored him. I had only known them 5 years but I was far more devastated at that then many other people whom I had known 10 or even 15 years but who were in their 60s or 70s when they died.

Yabu.
I attended the funeral of an old friend last week, I hadn't seen or spoken to her in at least 10 years. I had thought about her though.
Like weneed it totally knocked the stuffing out of me, I'm horrified, devastated and shocked at her death. The strength of my reaction has shocked me, because as I say I hadn't seen her in so long.

He's taken it as unpaid leave and also been out twice here to 'commiserate' which is money we could really do with. Other than that he hasn't acted remotely different and doesn't seem affected at all.

Five days seems a bit excessive for a friend he hasn't seen in twelve years. So YANBU on that count.

YABU. People respond to death in ways that don't necessarily seem proportionate or reasonable.

For example: I went to school with a girl who was very bright, funny, and memorable, we were on good terms as "the class musicians" but never socialised together outside of school time. We went to different colleges in the same town, and I often thought of her and vaguely intended to contact her with a view to meeting up and rehearsing some songs for an open mic or something. I didn't get my arse in gear during the summer before we both went away to university, so knew I'd probably missed my chance. She died (unexpectedly, due to sudden illness) just after going on holiday to celebrate her A-level results. I didn't feel it was my place to go to the funeral, but I was really upset for ages afterwards, still think sadly of her on a regular basis, and writing this message has made me cry.

In contrast, another schoolmate of ours died (also unexpectedly, due to sudden illness) during the Easter break of our GCSE year. I knew her pretty much as well as I'd known the other girl who passed away, and always considered her to be unusually sweet and "deep", but her death didn't affect me in the same way even though she missed out on a lot more due to dying younger and during the "uphill all the way" stage of our education.

Also, my step-grandad died just a couple of days ago. While he was ill, I was pretty detached and pragmatic about the whole thing. I didn't like him much and actively avoided spending time with him, so I'm really surprised by how hard his death has hit me. I keep crying unexpectedly, can't get my head around the fact that he's not here any more, and really feel the need to go home, attend the funeral, help with the scattering of ashes, and see my family.

In both of the cases where a death has affected me much more powerfully than I can understand or explain, I've been really grateful to DH for understanding and supporting me through it.

I don't think you're being U tbh. It all seems a bit OTT over someone who was barely in his life, especially if he's losing money you could do with, and admits there's nothing really to say about it all because he never saw the man.

Is he, to put it politely, generally a bit of a shirker or does he have a good work ethic in that he's reluctant to take time off work unless he's really, really unwell or has annual leave?

He went to work when I was in labour with dc3 because he didn't want to lose a days pay

I was very upset when my cousin died of brain cancer over ten years ago we were not close at all and did,not really like each other as kids but she was only twenty five I felt so sad for her ,her partners,her parents and brother.

I suspect it's not so much mourning the deceased as it is taking the opportunity to reconnect with the living. Death affects us all in very different ways, and despite them not being in daily/monthly/yearly contact, I think the death has reminded him about his own mortality and that of his closer friends. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I too would be a little uncomfortable about the amount of time off he's having, if only because it's probably using up some goodwill at work that might come in very handy when you have a newborn, over and above what they're legaly required to do for him. But if you approach him with the poor attitude you've shown here, you will be on a hiding to nothing.