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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and totally unsympathetic regarding dhs best friends death?

101 replies

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 11:55

Dh is 36 and last week his 'best friend' of the same age died, which is obviously very sad. He went to see his old friends the next day and stayed with relatives so was away for two days. It's the funeral tomorrow and he's going this afternoon (it's half hour away) to see friends, will stay there tonight, go to the funeral then out tomorrow then stay at his relatives again probably returning the following afternoon or evening.

Thing is, I've never met this 'best friend' and dh hasn't seen him since I've known him. Before me he lived far from him so I'd say he probably hhadn't seen him properly for a good 12 years minimum. Dhs friends and family keep calling and texting to check he's ok and I just feel a bit Confused because someone I haven't seen (and very barely spoken to) in 12 years is not the definition of a best friend to me. We have three young children (under 6) and I'm 10 weeks pregnant and constantly sick and think the days of mourning he's taking are taking the piss a bit, tbh.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TessOfTheFurbyvilles · 28/04/2014 13:20

One of my childhood friends died suddenly in 2012.

We had lost touch, although had recently reconnected again (via e-mail), and were planning to meet up at some point.

During our e-mail exchanges, we realized there was so much we didn't know about each other; marriages, children etc, and we both resolved to make up for it.

We never got that chance.

She died from complications following surgery.

I was beside myself with grief, and a huge part of that was guilt, because I'd let the friendship slip away.

I went to the funeral, although I felt like I didn't belong there, but her parents and siblings all said how nice it was that I was there. My friend had told that we were in touch again, and had been planning to meet, and her mum said, "don't feel guilty Tess, you both let each other slip away, and I'm just glad you managed to reconnect before this happened."

Then I was introduced to her husband and two children, and her daughter looks so much like my friend, and it was comforting to see that she will on in that way.

Anyway, I'm waffling on, but my point is, that maybe your husband has some guilt, in the way I did when my friend died?

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/04/2014 13:20

Cleo just because YOU would turn to your DH for support and not carry on as usual doesn't mean that's how everyone ELSE should behave when they are grieving.

When my dad's mum died you'd have thought nothing had happened at all. Didn't talk about it to me or my mum. He carried on as usual. As I said earlier, it affects people in different ways and you are being unreasonable in expecting other people to behave in the way you would in such circumstances.

However, that's separate from whether your husband frequently takes the piss.

magpiegin · 28/04/2014 13:25

People grieve in different ways. I have had a really recent close bereavement on my side of the family and as my husband and I have been together 12 years it has hit him hard. You wouldn't know though- he hasn't cried and doesn't look like he is grieving but he is. This is something he probably feels like he has to do and I would let him get on with it.

mandi73 · 28/04/2014 13:26

A friend I went to school with, was one of my best friends in school, died about 8mths ago, cancer, very very sad, she was so young and fought so hard.
Anyway when we got the news our old school friends met the night before the funeral, talked, laughed and cried about our school days and our friend. We all attended the funeral the next day.
That was one evening and one day.
This is a man who couldn't "afford" to take a day off work while his wife was in labour with his child but is taking 5 days unpaid for someone he hasn't spoken to in 10yrs and she's being mean............really??????
YANBU
I know everyone reacts differently to death, the first thing I did when I heard my friend had passed was check on my kids, they were sleeping, and be extremely grateful for how lucky I am to have my family alive and around me.

Sparklyboots · 28/04/2014 13:40

This really sounds like a relationship issue and not a grieving issue.

He sounds inattentive and disengaged, OP. Perhaps its time to confront that? I would leave out the funeral stuff and focus on the ways you feel undervalued, when you do.

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:42

I had a family member die two years ago and I couldn't attend their funeral 'because we couldn't afford it' as it was 200 miles away. I carried on as normal because I had no choice - the kids still needed feeding etc. It just seems a bit self-indulgent to me to drop everything for almost a week for someone so distant.

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 28/04/2014 13:49

Cleo As others have said, there are more things going on here than the death of this friend. If you feel things are very one-sided in your relationship that is one thing and it must be tackled (whether now or later). Communication seems to be going amiss.

However, you still don't seem to accept that someone can handle their grief in a different way to you. Just because someone hasn't been in contact for years doesn't mean their death can't have a really hard effect on someone. It can stir up all sorts of memories from the past. The fact that your DH's family and friends keep ringing up to check on him suggests to me than when they were younger, DH and this friend must have been very close once upon a time.

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:51

As close as I was to my grandmother who raised me? I doubt it.

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 28/04/2014 13:53

Cleo - I didn't realise grieving had to be competitive.

PoundingTheStreets · 28/04/2014 13:55

Grief is never easy but all things being equal (relatively untraumatic childhood, no MH issues etc) we are perfectly well equipped to deal with it. It is a natural and inevitable part of living.

Would I expect your DH to be upset and to grieve? Yes. Would I expect him to take 5 days off to mourn in the pub probably when he couldn't even be arsed to take a day off when you were in labour? Absolutely not and I'd think he was taking the piss.

kaymondo · 28/04/2014 13:59

I think cleo is getting an unnecessarily hard time here. He is taking the piss and using his friend's death as an excuse to check out of family life for a few days.

For all those saying that people grieve in different ways, that is true- but that doesn't mean that it is the case here. And even if the husband is genuinely devastated at his friends death, to take 5 days unpaid leave is completely over the top, particularly in the context of his previous attitude to work.

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:59

NotNew we were in a better financial situation when my grandmother died, yet I couldn't afford to take time off or travel to her funeral. It's hard not to compare the allowances being made for his grief (which he says he doesn't really feel 'as they would've been strangers nowbut need to go out of respect') when none were made for mine.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 28/04/2014 14:02

I don't think yabu.

I've experienced something like this.

IMHO. Certain types of people, not everyone, do milk people passing away for all it's worth. My friend describes it as a grief wank Hmm

You've lost someone very close to you and got no support from him, you've been in labour and have had no support from, you're pregnant with his 5th child and have had no support from him. But, now you have to be über supportive of this? For him? And losing 5 days pay!

I could not and would not be with a man like that.

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/04/2014 14:05

Cleo I'm merely playing Devil's Advocate that your DH MAY well be far more upset than he is showing but you seem to be totally of the opinion that he can't possibly be upset because of how you see grief.

Clearly this is based on other prior issues within the relationship and I think they need thrashing out because things aren't right. Personally, if my OH said to me we couldn't afford to go to my grandmother's funeral, and that grandmother had actually raised me, then I'd have told my OH where to stick it and quite frankly just bloody gone. I'm rather surprised you didn't, actually.

IrianofWay · 28/04/2014 14:07

OK, you're jealous. He's spending time and emotional energy on someone other than you and your kids. I can understand that.

But no-one has written the rule book about 'How to Grieve' - everyone does it their own way. And they don't usually explain it to anyone else.

If you have a real problem with this i guess the issue goes a lot deeper. This needs to tackled with your H - but not right now. Because however you address it with him you are going to appear pretty callous.

Sparklyboots · 28/04/2014 14:17

I agree with kaymondo

You must still miss your Grandmother, OP. I'd experience the current situation quite insulting in the context you describe. It also sounds like he gets to veto your ideas - saying no to you going to her funeral - but he doesn't feel answerable to you and your DC in the same way.

YANBU

CharityCase · 28/04/2014 14:20

As my gran would say ' if you're not going to make the effort to see me when I'm alive, there's no point showing up when I'm dead'. It's not like its hard to stay in touch with people these days. If you don't it's because one of you isn't bothered.

drivenbyyou · 28/04/2014 14:30

I'm with Bruno. YANBU. I couldn't get 5 days off for my younger brother's death at the other end of the UK, paid or unpaid (couldn't afford to 'do without me for that long' - they did without me for MUCH longer than 5 days...).

Just because people deal with grief differently, doesn't give them a free pass to take the piss. If he's that upset over someone he hasn't seen in at least 12 years, he needs counselling, not a piss up in the pub.

kali110 · 28/04/2014 14:40

Think yabu.very unreasonable.

Infinity8 · 28/04/2014 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topaz25 · 28/04/2014 17:20

I thought you were being a bit U until I read your update about him going to work when you were in labour and not being supportive when your grandmother passed away. Clearly the problem is that you are not his priority even when he's not had a loss.

WooWooOwl · 28/04/2014 17:40

Your DH doesn't sound like a great partner anyway if he can't even be bothered to be around for the birth of his children, but you don't sound particularly nice either tbh.

I always think that when someone dies, everyone who has been part of that life has a right to grieve and pay their respects. It's irrelevant that people might not have been around much at the time of death or the years leading up to it, but if that person was significant to for any part of their or your life, then the time to acknowledge that is upon their death.

Funerals are for looking back over an entire lifetime, not just the last couple of years. If this friend was significant to some part of your DHs life, and your DH was significant to this person in some part of his short life, then a mere few days to remember him is not too much.

MagicMojito · 28/04/2014 18:03

OP YANBU yes its fine to grieve. Yes a death can knock you for six BUT he still has a family to support, a struggleing wife to help and dc at home that he also happens to be responsible for. It's not fair for him to just chuck everything on you whilst he goes off to "reconnect" with old friends for the best part of a week! And that's without going into all the other bollocks about leaving you alone in labour etc!! I mean Wt actual f?? I can't beleive you've had so many YABU'S its made me weirdly angry on. Your behalf!! I think I should go back to reading the doughnut thread instead...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/04/2014 18:12

^^^ What Magic said

Gubbins · 28/04/2014 18:15

Your use of inverted commas around the words best friend say it all. I'm afraid you don't get to decide who your husband counts as his best friend, nor do you get to decide how he reacts.

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